(OU)R KELLY

In a roughly related R Kelly vibe...

A few years ago I found an address book in the pub and so I could figure out who it belonged to (and cos I am well nosey) I had a look through it. Most of the pages were empty with a only few entries under each letter. The letter O page was full, I kid you not hand on my heart this is true......

It read something like this....

O

Oliver 01625.....
Our Shelia 01625.....
Our Sandra 01625.....
Our Eric 01625.....
Our Peter 01625.....
Our Philis )161.....

I figured out who's it was straight away and gave it back to him. Bless, poor man died this year but at least I got to read the best adress book ever!

MORE R KELLY SHANANAGANS

After a few too many cheeky vimtos and black russians with guinness tops the conversation in the bar once again got around to R Kelly.

I put "Ignition" on and tried to make everyone dance to it like that guy on You Tube then (I said so what I'm drunk, its the freakin' weekend baby Im about to have me some fun!) *genius* I then put his finest ever work on...the mighty "Bump n' Grind". (its so bad its good) or as I like to sing "Park n' Ride" (a slip up I once made whilst smashed on wine singing it in the Drum And Monkey.)

T'wixt me, Linds, Kay and Welsh Tim we thought it would be a good idea to go through the phone book and ring up all the R.Kelly's in there and ask them if they really were in favour of the environmentally sound Park 'n' Ride scheme which so many towns have adopted.

Here are our findings.....not the correct way up, but you get the jist...



Shockingly most of the Mr R. Kelly's that we made contact with (at 11pm on Saturday night) were not in favour of Park 'n' Ride.Most of them told us to Fuck Off. Infact one of them, from Romiley I think rang Kay back and left a voice mail telling her never to ring this number again and called her a little slut.That is a definate "no" in the on going park 'n' ride debate. Linds has had 4 missed calls off of one she rang. I only rang one and left a message on his machine. Thankfully I 141'd mine cos Im a smart ass.

FRULI FOR BREAKFAST

Yes, Im there again.

Swampy returned from spending Christmas with her parents yesterday to find she had been robbed. The cunts have taken everything and turned her house upside down, even emptying tampon boxes. Theiving bastards, I'd rip there nads off. Besides that it was her birthday yesterday so I took the hight off cos it was quiet (well, not quiet but quieter than it has been) and I went out and got hammered, it tasted so good that Im having some for breakfast too.

COS IM THE GARBAGEMAN

Phew, well I'm glad thats all over.

I finished work at about 2.30 yesterday then went to my parents house with the hounds where I was the life and soul of the party. Actually no, I wasn't. I fell asleep in a big comfy chair then was woken to eat the I went back to sleep until 1am when I walked the muts hime.Merry Christmas!

I was going to open up at 8pm but I was far to exhausted. I have worked like a dog this last fortnight. Instead of continuing to moan about it I am doing something about it..... check it out...

LA CALETA RESORT AND SPA

I have booked myself in here for 3 days in January with my mate Claire. Im going to lay out in the sun and sleep. Swim a little and have so many massages and treatments that I am the most chilled out person I can be. I can not wait.

You know how when all the records you used to love are on vinyl and you have no record player so you dont listen to them. Well, I was in Music Zone when I saw a double CD of The Cramps (Off The Bone and Songs The Lord Taught Us) for a jaw dropping £3.97. I f*cking love that Off The Bone album, its soooo good, I cant believe I forgot about it. So I currently have that on full blast while I clean the house. I also must get around to making Frank Sidebottom tickets as its a week tomorrow and I have to sell 80.

Fingers Crossed.

Apparently he is playing at The Baths(a nice pub but no where as fab as here) in Macc in June or July and they have a poster up saying why go to Porters when you can see him there (I got this info from Bertie the postman who looks like Sonia from Eastenders when he takes his glasses off). Thats a bit rubbish on their behalf but I'm taking it as a compliment.

I JUST WALKED PAST THE TV

Christmas Mania was ITV.

Girls Aloud were singing on it.

I have now made up my mind on that pressing matter.


I really don't like Girls Aloud.

Really.

Really don't.

Yesterday was, with out a doubt the busiest day we have ever had, consequently it wasn't one of my favourites. I could moan for an eternity but I wont. Im just glad I dont have to a Mad Friday again, I hates them I tells thee.And then, next news its
7.23am.


7 bloody 23 am this morning the dray turn up. After the busiest day ever on Friday I still had to sort out the cellar so the beer will fit in.

It will not fit in, I've had to chain it up outside. I could cry.

Then, just to round things off the glasswasher decided to stop working this morning for no reason at all. My jeans are wet, I need to sleep but I think I am 75% red bull these days so thats not going to happen.

I've bought no presents and Im not going to. Christmas can get bent.

I HAVE WORK RAGE

I dont usually. Not rage anyway.

Apparently it came through in my tone of voice to the wife of the boss.

UN BE LEEVE ABLE

I cannot be doing with people that nag over nothing that I could help.
I do know my job.
AAAGRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

MKB

My favourite customer MKB was in last night. This should come as no surprise as MKB is indeed in everynight.

Now MKB has a problem with his memory, he has none. He is always asking me where his pint is. Where his coat is. Who he was talking to.... etc etc.

MKB has a blind friend (BT) who I have written about on many occasions. He is also hilarious. MKB walks BT through the bar to the gents about 10 times a night (Im wondering if BT has a bladder problem).

BT is also cool, he didnt mind when I accidentally left the 5 litre tub of floor cleaner sitting in the urinal which, being blind he didnt see. Pee'd in said urinal and it splashed back all over his jeans. He didnt know what was going on so assumed he wet himself!

BT wasnt in last night just MKB. But knowing his memory (or lack of)I managed to convince him he came in with BT who had been waiting for MKB to walk him back from the toilets for over an hour. MKB looks confused but spys the empty glass I put next to him (a handle pint pot.... BT drinks out of a handle pint pot) and looked all panicy.

Now he is saying he knew I was winding him up but I saw that unforgettable look in his eyes.

He well believed it.

WHEN NEWS WRITES ITSELF

After being there all yesterday and all morning,police are expected to be at the house of Steve Wright In The Afternoon.

Sky News genius!

OOPS

It has been pointed out to me that it is probably not the best thing for me to be accusing people I dont know of being a serial killer on the internet.

Appologies.

DCI CATH3RINE JULIET BRAVO

Ok, I'm still watching sky news....

About this 2nd man....

I know they haven't released his name yet but I am sure as eggs are eggs that it will end up being this man they interviewed on sky news on the weekend. I cant remember his name but his hair was a bit long (not long long but longer than short). When I watched it I got goosebumps-it was like when Ian Huntley did that interview before he got caught.

So, I shall be honest and tell you if it is him when they release his name/photo. I just cant remember his name but he looked about that age he was taliking how he knew them all, was a kind of jeans and blazer man with dark hair that needed a cut.

BREAKING NEWS.....
I remember his name now, its cos it is similar to another weirdo I know,

I think the man in the blazer and jeans is called *** *************.

Lets see.....

TOM STEPHENS

Tom Stephens (the man arrested for the Ipswich murders) used to drink in my pub and do my gardening. I have photos of him in my mothers wedding dress riding a horse.He often took my dogs out and washed my car every Tuesday until I caught him robbing £10 from the glove compartment.

This is of course all a lie, I just figured that he must be being googled alot and as there is nothing on tv at the moment I would entertain myself by watching my stat counter refferals page.

Appologies to all, ha ha ha.

BEEP BEEP

The automatic air freshener in the ladies has run out of spray. When this happens, and the battery is still working then the unit ommits a beep every minute or so to let you know it needs changing.

The company who 'manage' the unit for some reason dont give me a spare can, so it beeps until they come and change it themselves. It has been beeping since Saturday morning.

Now, one of my customers who is always in the ladies applying eyeliner (or so it seems to me) heard this beeping and came to the following conclusion....

"Liz" she says to Liz that works here
"Yes" replies Liz to this certain Sweedish girl
"There is a strange beeping in the toilets, (she leans in and whspers) I think is something to do with the flowers".

What exactly I dont know but I would love to spend a day in her head.

Meanwhile, in the Gents.....

The same problem is beeping but no-one has reported that to me. However some stupid bastard put a fag end in the fish tank yesterday. Some people are shitheads. Why would you do that?

In other news.....(observations from the bar)

Holsten Pils sells well at Christmas and here doesn't do too well throughout the year. This is, I think, because Pils is the drink that people that dont drink go for. Isn't that strange. We go from selling bugger all to 2 cases in a week, most of them have been to women and most of themm have had lime cordial in them.

God I'm beyond interesting today! I might go and buy some batteries today for my camera and start putting some pictures on here to break up the monotony of me talking about holsten pils and toilets

Here is the man they have arrested for the Ipswich killings.

REASONS TO HATE BEAGLES PART 3

You know I'm in a moaning mood......

Kitchen bin upside down and chewed up rubbish all over the place. I'm so bored of his puppy like behaviour.

Work was busy and I drank enough vodka to stop treating everyone like I wished they weren't there. Infact I may have even smiled once.

Sounds like (the never to be mentioned again) Paul may be reaping what hes sown. His wife(or ex wife now, I don't know) emailed me to ask if me or my mates have been sending him nasty text messages cos hes rang her asking her if she knows anything about it cos hes been getting them.
Now I know I haven't done anything and I know my mates wont have.....so seems hes spurned someone else.

Im not surprised.




How come when Cilla in Coronation Street lies about having cancer I dont mind but when Pauline lies about having it in Eastenders I wish her dead? Funnily (or more importantly not funnily) enough I know 2 people that have told me they have cancer and they didnt.
I thought they were sick twisted fucks, I still do.

Who would do that?

I hated Cilla in Corra, always did but now I don't so much.

Maybe I am drunk

WINTER PIMMS

Afternoon.......

Umm, its Brandy based (cup no. 3 as opposed to cup no. 1 - the summer one).
Anyway, I've mixed a whole load of it with hot apple juice and slices of clementines to knock out today in the most lovely bodum Pimms mugs that I have.

Hot booze rules.

Tomorrow I'm going to do mulled wine me thinks....unless the everyone is loving the Pimms.

Blah blah flippin blah.....sorry, I'm boring as owt today.

I'm a moaning machine.

I am not loving having to work all the time, my next night off wil be 3rd Jan cos stupid Cath3rine works stupid Christmas day doen't she. With any luck I will have a day off on the 4th, then I can sleep. So glad this is my last Christmas here. I proper hate this time of the year, anyway, I best put on some make-up and go downstairs and pretend to be all full of joy and happy christmas bobbins. I'm (surprise surprise) short staffed tonight so I have to do it, again.

Ok, thats all off my chest. Maybe I should just drink....yes, that sounds favourite.

MY OH MY

I thought next Friday was to be the busy Friday before Christmas.

Today was mentally busy.

Some woman who was all up my arse to begin with later made a pain of herself by nearly kicking off with someone. I was quite rubbish, I took no side in the arguement told her to ignore the other person cos I was too busy and if she still had a problem about it tomorrow then come and talk to me.
She wont, well, I hope she doesn't.


This other shaven haired guy was all over the place, he dropped his pint so I went to tell him that maybe it was better if he left. He was so insulted because he "hadn't had a drink all night" (he tells me whilst stumbling standing up and breathing stale beer all over me).If it wasn't so comical I'd cry.

"So Cath3rine", they ask me...."will you miss the job?"
Hell no.
Being responsible for drunk people is not my ideal job.


Elsewhere in the real world...

Go on Lou...the prossie still working in Ipswich.
Make hay whilst the sun shines, that's what I always say.
She's got the market covered now there is no competition.

No, I'm kidding.

With cameras on her all the time I cant imagine shes being kept that busy. Who would pick up a prostitute in Ipswich knowing the whole world was focused on them? I'm thinking its a publicity stunt (not the murders, but the saying she is still working)


I totally dont get it. I dont know if you watch sky news as much as I appear to be doing but they report "Lou" is still working the streets.

How, why and WTF?

In other news....

I've just had a veggie kebab and chips, it was immense.

CREAM OF SUM YUNG GUY

I went to my favourite place today.
Well, one of my favourite places.....W.H Lungs in Manchester.

I love the chinese warehouse. I bought a whole load of random cheap crap, half of which I dont know what it is. Some of those nice banana cakes, a bottle of tabasco as big as a bottle of wine, a box of strawberry chinese popping candy,A&W rootbeer and a load of frozen dim sum...oh and what I went for in the first place, namely roasted chestnuts and pizza flavoured bread sticks to sell in the pub.

Me and Mr James Lavin have been working on my new "menu" for the boozer whilst enjoying guinness. My new "menu" will be award winning I tells thee. I'll wait until its finished until I post it on here. You will have seen nothing like it before!

Congratulations to Sam and Dave who got engaged today, yay.



Well, I will have to go now cos Jeremy keeps putting his paws all over my keypad and its really beginning to tits me off

THINGS I WILL MISS ABOUT LIVING HERE....

1. Random strangers coming up to me in the street and giving me things.

I was just walking through town when this older man starts staring from across the road.He shouts excuse me and runs up to me. He asks if Im the landlady of Porters, I say yes and he tells me how hes been working in Wales tearing down Canarfon (sp?) Rugby Club. He tells me that he found some old rugby ball lying in the rubble and its the last ball ever played there or something.Apparently it has mud and blood on it. He said he knew that I had a lot of rugby stuff in the pub and that I could have it. Hes dropping it in tomorrow. Never seen him before in my life.

Over 117,000 live in Ipswich.

Over 150,000 live in Macclesfield.

Ipswich has a red light district so Im guessing Macclesfield must have one too. Do we? I am not aware of one but there must be one. A taxi driver once told me there were working girls outside the college on Park Lane but I think he got cofused with chavs waiting for the 38 bus.

SKY NEWS

Did you know that to be called a serial killer you must have killed 5 or more over a period of 30 days. If you kill 5 in 10 days you are spree killer or a mass murderer. Doesnt sound that impressive (if the killer has Munchausen or seeks the notoriety Morrissey sang of).

Already they are going on about how the dead girls were drug takers and are prostituting themselves to buy drugs.

I hate sky news, I hate how they dedicate all the programme to something and end up asking anyone who will talk to them what their opinion is.They even brought in Jaqui Hames that is no longer a police officer and no longer on Crimewatch.
Its like pop years on sky one, Im just waiting for them to ask the cast of Dream Team who they think is the killer.

One journalist just asked if they are working with the team that worked on the Yorkshire Ripper case. WTF? That was the early 80's, surely they arent even in the job anymore. besides, they werent that hot at finding him, Wearside Jack or no Wearside Jack.
Asking that question is like asking if they were forming a crack team of Quincy, Morse, Wexford, J.P. Fletcher, Marple, Poirot, Taggart, Rockford,Father Dowling, Sister Steve,the woman in Silent Witness that scares me,Ironside,Magnum, Hammer and who ever Dick Van Dyke played in Diagnosis Murder to work on the case.

Did I forget anyone?

LAST NIGHT....

I went to whatever The Bulls Head at Mottram is called now. I drank my signature going out for dinner drink (campari and tonic) then alot of wine and champagne. It was lovely although strangely not filling. I can usually do 2 courses, to want to do 3 is quite rare (not cos I'm Karen Carpenter, more because I eat all quick like Homer Simpson so I get full fast.)

So after my spaghetti we move to a different table so Claire, Chris and Linds could smoke, we ask if we can order our desserts there. They bring us the menu, me and Claire decide to share a cheese board.

Time passes, the drink has all gone, we decide to go. I tell the waiter that although we ordered the desserts a while ago they hadnt come, it was ok but we had decided to leave.

Linds (who was sbber and driving) then informs me that we never actually ordered the desserts. Umm, that wiuld explain it. So I came back to the pub and, yes AGAIN put my R Kelly Trapped In The Closet dvd on the big screen. It was by request. I think I know all the words now

I AM SO....show me the way to go home

im tired and i want to go to bed.................
Beyond drunk.
I'm tired amd I want to go to bed,,,

G-A-Y

My hounds are usually quiet gay but they are really hamming it up at the moment.

Jeremy has taken to using the hat I bought to wear in New York the winter I went when Scott had "the worst birthday ever" (his words people, not mine...) as a shag piece. Jeremy keeps running in front of Benson , (who has taken to barking in a geordie girl voice) and then proceed to bang the hat in to next week, making Benson all frisky and excitable and attempt to stick his lipstick in his.......

....wait for it.....


...surprisingly, in his side.


I think they are confused in more than one way. Its my own fault, I have never had 'the talk' with them so Im not surprised they are doing it wrong.

I wonder, did Lassie do any porn before she broke Hollywood? I could stick that on then they could learn the error of their ways

LAST NIGHT.....

So,I was in Tescos queuing up at the cigarette kiosk and that f*ckwit Gordon Ramsey was in front of me swearing at the girl working there cos they had run out of 10 packs of Richmond Blue. Now I hate the pumice stone faced tw*t so I tell him to lay of the girl,be a man and commit to smoking packs of 20.

He turns to look at me and explains he is trying to quit the fags and he is only shouting cos he is stressed. He is having a dinner party on his narrow boat that evening and someone has let him down with one of the courses. He said that I could come along if I brought a dish. I asked him if parsnip soup was ok? He said no, it was shit and not that inventive. I explained how I would use roasted parsnips and maple sirrup. At the mention of maple sirrup he smiled and said if I finished it off with ground nutmeg then it was a deal.

So I began running around Tescos looking for the nutmeg only they had moved it and started stocking farming machinery where the spices used to be. The store was to close in 5 minutes and my old knee injury flared up making it hard for me to run and find the spices. "Why the hell are you selling John Deer tractor spares?" I asked the manager, "do you not think nutmeg is more important at this time of the year?"

Evidentally not as Tesco had decided to no longer stock schwartz (or their own equivilant) they said spices were the worst selling item in Tescos Metro Macclesfield and I would have to go to the big Tescos if I wanted any.

God, it comes to something when your dreams are more boring than real life.

Actually, last night wasn't so bad (except when I shouted at this couple for both going into the ladies (a man and a woman). After a few badly made sarcastic comments from me about how she was all over the place and couldnt even walk through the busy pub unaided, I found out she was infact blind."Blind drunk you mean" quips I-to her mate when he told me.

I thought he was joking.

He wasn't.

Still, you'd think she could pee on her own.

GIRLS ALOUD

I still havent decided if I like them or not but I have decided that I like parsnips more than broccolli...and broccolli has always been my favourite vegetable. Until now.

SO ITS MONDAY

I havent had a drink for 5 whole days yet still I wake up with, what feels like a hangover. Not good.

I was just in Barracuda for a pubwatch meeting, by the time it ended I was thinking how maybe I should sack off today and go out on the lash instead. I shouldn't really, I do have lots to do. Today I was planning on finally working out whether or not I like Girls Aloud. I still haven't formed an opinion on this pressing issue yet, and as they are always on the telly I think its only right for me to know if I think they are cool or not. It's so hard. I'm so 50/50.

I did decide that I wasn't going to drink until after Christmas (well, until Christmas Eve anyway) so maybe I shall stick with that plan. I'll do the washing up and spend that time deciding on if I like or don't like Girls Aloud.

Multi-tasking is my middle name after all.

ERGH!

There is a reason I dont like having my picture taken, I always look miserable(no teeth) or like Chandler from Friends (forced smile with teeth).

Guess which catorgory this falls into? There is an even worse one on the site Nina just sent me with a load of Frank pictures from in here last week...

frank at porters pictures are here

WHAT A DIPSTICK

Its Sunday night and Im crying at the Sports Personality of the Year programme on the telly.

I think my hormones must be deffective.

I hate sport.

RANDOMS OFF MY CAMERA....

Here are the presents I wrapped to give out to everyone who came to watch Frank here on Tuesday.....
The houses to the right of the pub (as you look at it from outside)....
Mr Benson catching a quick snooze on the sofa next to the tree whilst I was cleaning....
The fantasic light switch I made for Frank to turn the Christmas Tree Lights on....
The houses to the left of me (as you look at the pub from outside), these are the ones I think they want to knock down....

VIRTUAL MOANING

Don't bother reading this....I'm just going to moan and it will be boring.

I have had a headache for days, ibuprofen just isn't working anymore. Its my left eye....at least the redness that was there last week has gone now it just hurts.

I'm trying to be happy behind the bar but its that bloody smokey in here that I cant muster a smile. I hope my new glasses come tomorrow, I really need a break from my contact lenses.

Okay, moan over.

The chuffing beagle has nicked 7 raw sausages from the cupboard top whilst I was on the phone. This means of course it will be squitsville for him tomorrow. Have you ever tried to pick up dog poo when it is like soup? OMG, and he always does those ones when we are right at the front of the queue of traffic at the lights so everyone has to watch my pathetic attempt to bag splat.

I have had an idea though, what if I took a pack of smash with me or indeed wallpaper paste? Then I could sprinkle it on top, stir at it with a stick until it formed a solid. No, hang on, that would just make me sick.

Would you like to hear about the best shit Jeremy ever had? Unfortunatley no one saw this master piece.....

We walked up Buxton Road to get on the canal by the Puss In Boots. There is a bridge there over it with white railings. Jeremy twirled around with his dangerous end pointing between the bars and curled one off into the canal 15 feet below. Surely the best poo stick story ever! It made a right splash. Alas no passing narrow boat nor on lookers in sight.

He ate half a yellow sponge cloth yesterday. I forgot about it until he shat bright yellow on the Middlewood Way today, it took me a while to figure out what it was!

Forgive me, Im not usually so facinated with dog shit, but not that much has happened today. Fingers crossed my life may become a little more interesting tomorrow. Then again, it probably wont.

FRANK AT PORTERS

Frank Sidebottom sings Panic! (on the streets of Timperley)

Frank Sidebottom sings some old and new favourites

this will do until I get footage from when he was here. This was from the Tate last year

I'm feeling a little bit delicate considering I only drank bitter last night.

Frank arrived about 6.15, I was quite nervous....you know, meeting your heros and all that. He loved the pub. He had forgotten his keyboard stand so he borrowed my ironing board. The highlight of the evening for me is when my Mom ran up to him mid- raffle draw asking Frank "would you sign my husbands 12 inch?" whilst offering him Dads 12" of Frank Sidebottom salutes the magic of Queen and Kylie Minogue.

I loved yeaterday, it was ace. I am hoping someone will send me some picture of it cos my batteries died in my camera right at the beginning of the night.

The photographer from the Macc Express came and took lots of pictures for their out on the town feature which will be out next week. Me and Frank Sidebottom infront of the christmas tree....legendary.

He has just confirmed and will definatley come back and perform here on Wednesday 3rd January so everyone who didnt get a ticket last night can come then. I feel quite proud to have donated one of my nun costumes to the man, thus creating Sister Sidebottom (from France). Hee hee hee.

So as its my 32nd birthday then as well it will be a jelly and ice cream affair, maybe with chilli instead of hot pot. I'll have to sell tickets again but I think its definatley worth it. Suppose I better start making them then I can sell them over Christmas. You know I will, I really will.....Thankyou.

TONIGHT WAS UNDOUBTABLY..........

the best night I have ever had in the pub.

And, FYI frank has confirmed to play on my birthday. Im so excited x

MORE RABBIT THAN SAINSBURYS

ARE YOU THERE SIDNEY?

Okay, so last night I went to see the locally renowned spiritualist medium lady Ursula. Now I have heard dozens of stories from people that have been to see her, stories that make you come over all cold and bring a tear to your eye.

I know everyone is different but I well belive in all of that buisness. Not sure why, I have never seen a ghost or anything like that. My mom has and I believe her when she tells me stuff, so they must be real.

Now, I didnt go to hear from someone imparticular, I am quite lucky and havent had to deal with a lot of death. She said I may not know of some of the spirits who may come along as they could be distant relations.Firstly she said Jake was in the room (my ex boyfriends brother who took his own life after his wife Jane died of cancer) and Jane was there too.She knew that Jane died before I met her. Then Jon and Leanne were there who died in a car crash.....

Now, I know that in this small town she will have heard of these people so you could say she could easily guess that a person of my age would have been friends with these people. I however believe it. Shes a beautiful little 78 years old lady.

She asked if I knew of a Mary. Now my great grandmother was called Mary, I had forgotten bout this as I had never met her but we did go and visit her grave in Candada in August and it took us ages to find it. I mean ages, there was about 12 of us spread out searching for it. I said no, I didnt know a Mary but then she said how Mary knew I went to see her recently and it took so long to find her. Then I remembered and went all cold. Then Ursula described my Nana and asked if she liked pink carnations. Nana died time ago and I didnt really remember so she said I should ask my Mom. I did, she said that Blanche's favourite flowers were indeed pink carnations. There was more random stuff like that....She said my Granpa was buried in a uniform (not army or something but a uniform) I said he wasnt but apparently Mom says he was.

Then she read my cards, not tarot just regular playing cards. She told me what they meant and I was amazed to hoe they related to me. Seems my moving to Canada is the best thing to do and I'll be settled there by August. She even described where in Canada we were heading, which she could never guess, ever.

Told me to write down Mammoth Mountain as it was going to feature in my future and Yosemite. She said it wouldn't make sense to me now but it will one day. What else? I have to stop a man from drink driving in the next 4 weeks and look out for a olive/dark skinned man dealing drugs in a narrow corridor with a thick neck cos it could get in trouble before I leave in June. She said someone was going to have a baby girl. I took it she was talking about Claire but strangley when Claire went in to see her after me she never mentioned it.

I have had many past lives, I have lived in egypt and I should avoid the Middle East, oh and Nuns kept coming in the room to bless me. She said I had good protection around me and I was going to be alright as I had good guides. Umm, and it seems two men will be fighting for my attention...I should go for the one who has his feet firmly on the ground and not rush it to anything.

Okay, I admit it soulnd shit but it was brilliant.

Bizarrly kept going on about some polish person....dont get that bit at all.

ITS FUN TO STAY AT THE......

genius

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

No its not today......but Im in talks with the Sidebottom to see if he will play here on my birthday (3rd Janvier folks) as we have sold out already for 5th. Its looking good. Jelly and ice cream all round folks x

SIDEBOTTOM SELL OUT

Yes, all the tickets have gone.

In other news, I have decided to scrap the pearly queen idea for the concert tomorrow night. Instead I am opting for flat cap, that brown waistcoat from river island, black shorts tights and heels. Oh, and a scarf tied the way that cockney market stall holders do. Cor blimey guv'nor, I'm gonna look like a right bloody charlie innit?!

HARDLY THE GREAT ADVENTURE

The bloody beagle ran away last night, someone left the back gate open.
I went out and shouted for him, why I dont know cos he never comes when I call him.
So I slept on the settee so if someone rang then I would hear the phone.

Someone then rang in the morning to see if I had lost a dog, guess where he was? Trying to get in to Subway. In 4 hours he had only made it as far as down the road. Not very adventurous, Benson would have been in Wales by then if he had have escaped.

I was waiting for my ebay bids to realise so I sat up and drank with a man I met last Monday (who I then had a filthy dream about.) Its a fate thing. So I wrote down my number and said that he might need it if he was ever going to get around to asking me out...it was getting late and I needed to sleep.

IM NOT A HANDBAG GIRL

I wish I was. I dont mean that website place, I mean I dont carry a handbag. I still have hundreds of them mind.

I think its because I never really go out. Cos Im always here I dont need to carry stuff about with me. So when I do I lose things cos I dont usually carry anything with me.

WTF am I moaning about? Oh, thats it. I have lost my hairbrush. I went into town to buy another but I cant find the same one (its a dead good one that doesnt pull out my extentions, which have nearly all dropped out now anyway.) Think I may have left it in Lindsays brothers car when he drove us to Amy Winehouse in Liverpool. This is quite funny as she never uses a hair brush (by the looks of it) and so now I am evolving into her - well with matted hair anyway. I dont however weigh 5 stone.

Talking of weight, I started back at Slimming World last week for the 3rd time. I was going to be all dedicated and the first day I wrote out my menu sheet thing. You are allowed 10 syns a day. Things were looking good by 5pm as I had had no syns. Then, circumstances forced me another way and me and Claire went out. One 35ml vodka and diet coke are 4 syns. I did some rough calculations and I must have had 68 syns on day one. Im not holding out much hope for my weigh in tomorrow.

This week should be ok. The only big drinking day is Thursday when I am going to see Chas N Dave in Stockport (once I have made a pearly queen dress for me to wear). I need one of those ChasNDave Tshirts with the playboy bunny on it wearing a flat cap. I will purchase one there.

Im looking forward to Friday, I have an appointment with locally renowned medium Ursula at 7.30. Im kind of looking forward to it. Hope she doesnt tell me some dead dude says I should stay in Macc and fook off my Canada plans. That would cause conflict.

Then my tree goes up on Sunday and I will spend the week preparing for Franks visit. He is on Paul O'Grady tonight. Fortunatley Paul O'Grady isnt on it. He bugs me.


Cahs N Dave signed my mate Claires tits once. It was hilarious

OKAY, YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY.....

That you shouldn't open emails from people you dont know. Is this really true?
I dont bother with ones that offer me drugs or whatever to make my penis larger, not having one lessens my interest in this. They usually read something like this

dear p*************@aol.com enlarge your penis with hjvgdfhbahi;gh;ihjnJKL;DNKJBDLBF

But I have had one from someone which when opened (no warning notice popped up) read thus...

And eight. And that my meat which run like

It has an attatchment that I have not downloaded but I am intreagued.

Does it have virus written all over it? Ive had one of them before, I have also had some dodgy guy pretending to be paypal emailing me. I thwarted that attempt.

I was a victim of credit card fraud last year when some cuntie succesfully managed to bill me for their aol connection for 6 months without me noticing. Im more careful nowadays (I am also unable to use my credit cards,....this helps!! ha ha ha!)

Yes, I ended up a drinking and stuff last night. Argued about dentists, discussed Chas N Dave and drank hot cider infront of the fire. Magic Mushrooms on a Sunday? God's day? How rude. I told this man I would make him leave if he kept on throwing beer mats at customers. He denied throwing beer mats a customers. When I sat down I realised he hadnt infact thrown any beer mats.

Strong shit indeed!!

Umm, not really living the dream am I? 7 months to go though...

WATCH OUT, BEAGLES ABOUT....

Well its been a while people. Infact I bet no one even looks at this page anymore...

Its Sunday afternoon, I have just embarrasingly ripped open the carton of Innocent juice that I was drinking (blackcurrant,acerola,cherries and rosehips) and licked it clean. It was whilst doing this that I decided to ressurect the beagle blog.

Although I am still annoyed about the whole Paul situation I got in I am no way near as bothered by it.

I never felt at home at the secret splinter blog I started and my saving the pub blog doesnt need to be written on as the pub has indeed been saved.

What with all that, the fact that this one is a year old and that this will be (hopefully) my last 7 months in the country...

I have decided to return. Well I will return to blogging after I have washed my hair and served a few boozehounds with swill...With any luck I shall retun tonight instead of getting invloved with some vodka...depends who comes in.

Not long to go now. How excited am I? I've got Frank Sidebottom (and Little Frank) coming here to turn on my tree lights a week on Tuesday.

He will play two 50 minute sets and the home made tickets I made have nearly sold out.

So excited, so excited, so excited, so excited, so excited, so excited....

In fact, so excited I typed that out and didnt copy and paste it, thats how excited I am.....

URGENT BLOG UPDATE

I am being forced to break my blog abstenence to bring you some sad news.

It has just been brought to my attention that they are planning on knocking down the Prince Of Wales.

This saddens me deeply, action must be taken.

IT'S ALL GRAVY

Thankyou everyone for your comments but it is time for me to move on.
Its time to put the Daily Beagle to bed. Incidentally Jeremy will be doing it for the kids, so to speak, you can keep up with him being pimped for charity at Ninas Blog.

Don't worry if you cant get hold of me on my mobile, I haven't done one yet but I'm changing my number cos of one thing and another. I'm still on email at Portersprince@aol.com and I will be back some time to invite you all to my leaving party.

Cat x

I AM PISSED

FACT. ....My head is up my arse.

Oh, and I have drank alot of rum.

Polly, thankyou.

Helena, thankyou. You are an amazing person.

As for further more blogging, I dont think I will bother.
By June I will be out of here and I cant wait, i may blog again then but as far as now is concerned I dont see the point.

Im unhappy, I dont think I'm doing any good by sharing that with you.

Its been great x

I FEEL SO UTTERLY DISGUSTING

The more I find out the more I hate myself for falling for it. I proper loved this man.
Now I find out he is nothing what I thought he was.

Told me he was at a funeral in Ireland with his Dad at Christmas.
He spent Christmas with his wife and kids.
Gave her an excuse and spent New Year with his other girlfriend and her kids. Then turns up for me on my birthday on 3rd Jan. I could go on but its too much of a head fuck.Ouch.

Man,he broke my heart. I am such a fool.

I WILL PROBABLY DELETE THIS BY THE END OF THE DAY

I am struggling with how to deal with something.

I am beginning (along with many other people) to see blogs as not a good thing. Im using it as therapy today because I dont know how else to adjust to something I now know.

In September I started to take a fancy to a man that comes in the pub I run. Within a few weeks and some matchmaking done he rang me up, we met up and went on a few dates.

The second time I met him he told me had children but he didn't live with them, had been having lots of shit with his ex but everyone has a past and I thought he seemed fine.

In October I took a break from work, took my dogs to Wildboarclough in a cottage for 2 weeks. He came over to stay, we were getting on fine although didnt stay longer cos he was working all over the place. (He has his own buisness and has to go where the work is). I work quite alot too, Im busy all weekends, working anti-social hours but I didnt mind taking things slow because I wasnt in a hurry.

Over the next few months I saw him when I could. In January he gave up his flat in Macclesfield and moved back down south as he was working there for the forseeable. He came up for my birthday, I saw him more over January,(cos 2006 was going to be our year apparently) by February he was telling me he loved me, I went to down to see him where he was working. It wasnt ideal but I thought he was perfect for me. This carried on until May.

In May he began making more of an effort, came up for the weekend when he could, we spoke on the phone all the time. Took me out for a chinese and started to talk strange, saying if I hear someone saying things about him then not to believe it. He had an ex girlfriend who was a psycho and had gone down to London to his ex wifes house and started kicking off. I asked when they had split up and he said it was ages ago, she was just nuts apparently.(the ex girlfriend, not his ex wife).

He was living with his sister in London. I went down there and met her (cos I wasnt totally convinced, something wasnt right, but seeing it was how he said it was I felt reassured). I told him I was going to Canada in August with my Mum. Asked if he fancied coming to and he was well up for it. He sent me his money and I bought the tickets, it was all booked.

On holiday things were great. We had the best time, my family loved him and he loved them. All was amazing. He had always talked of how he wanted us to have children, took it as read we were getting married. Said how excited he was about our future, he was ging to make more of an effort to spend more time here, expected his work would shift up here for at least a year so he'd live here.

As you all know, I was dumped 2 days after we got back by text message. I was gutted. He gave no explanation and wouldn't answer my calls.

A week after I wrote the most amazing letter I have ever written. I sent it to him with my copy of the holiday photos off my camera, I told him he could email me the ones off his camera and gave him my email address. Now he doesn't really do computers but his nephew that he lives with does so I figured he'd help him. I was getting my head around the break up, if the letter didnt make him see differently then obviously he wasnt the man for me.

I heard nothing from him. Fair enough I thought, I still didnt get how someone could change their mind so drastically though.

Thursday night I get an email. Its from 'his wife'. Telling me how They had 2 kids and had been married for 23 years. Now I knew he had 2 kids, he told me all about them and had shown me pictures. He had told me that he got married at 19 (which was indeed 23 years ago) So I wasnt shocked. I didnt really believe it. After all, I had met his sister, I had been to where he lives. He had been away with me for 2 weeks, obviously she was a nutter. I rang him asking if he knew anything about it. He said no, but he hadn't got the photos I sent him nor the letter. Assumed that for some reason his daughter had taken it and it was her emailing me. I said I wasnt going to respond- I didnt want to get involved.

However I got curious. We are both on aol and I saw she was online so I messaged her.

Seems they only split up in May. After the girl he was seeing up here turned up on their doorstep in London,she threw him out. He had started seeing her the April before I met him and was seeing her while he was seeing me whilst also seeing his wife. I will put £1,000,000 that there are more of us he had on the go. He told his wife he was going to Ireland for 2 weeks to stay with relatives. She didnt know about me until she got the envelope I sent him with pictures of us in Canada with a long letter of me telling how much I loved him.

His wife was lovely. I appologised. He told me they had split up about 10 years ago. She said she has no bad feelings towards me - just him and his lies. I dont want to post this because I dont want his kids to find out how much of a shit their father is but I have to get it out of me somehow. So, I will delete it soon. But if anybody out there ever happens to come across a lovely, honest,caring genuine man who is too good to be true BE VERY CAUTIOUS.



Unfortunatley he is not what he seems.

I REALLY WANT TO POST WHAT I KNOW BUT I DONT KNOW IF ITS RIGHT OR NOT

What a day.

Something has come to light that I have suspected but refused to believe. I want to share it but even this might be too much to blog. Im not that bothered and I feel I should share. I'll wait to see what my Mum thinks about the whole thing.

Lets just say I am over my heartache of last week. Well over it. Its like a Take a Break story I tell thee. I feel he should be shamed in public but at the same time I dont want to waste anymore time on him. Unbelievable

NO GOOD DEED

Thought I'd do something nice and selfless yesterday to cheer myself up* but they wouldnt take my blood, as rare as it is, as the donor session. Im 7% of the population, o- is the only blood that can be given to anybody. I am indeed universal.
Anyway, Seems I have to wait a month incase I contracted Western Nile Disease or something from my holiday. Bah...I cant get a break.

My phone has died. It will text but not answer. I got a message saying I had a voicemail, tried to access it and the bloody phone wiped it. Now Im really fed up. Dont know who it was.
I've cancelled my contract as Im going pay as you go until I emmergrate.

Can not decide what handset to get. I want one that will take pictures that I can put on my computer and can have nice ringtones which are quite loud. Any suggestions? I cant get my head around the shit way motorolas scroll and work so not one of them, even if they are the best looking ones.

----------------------------------------------------

*which I do of course realise makes it selfish .

HAVE TOLD MY BOSS

Ok, I told him thatI wanted to keep him up to date with what I am thinking,
that it is nothing definate but I wanted him to hear about it from me instead of the Macc gossip machine.

The end of May next year I am out of here,
out of the pub,
out of Macc,
out of the United Kingdom.....for ever. (well, except for the odd holiday)


He was very cool about it and promises to do anything he can to help.
He really is the best boss in the world.

I HAVE RANG MY BOSS

He isnt in, I left a message. Im waiting for him to get back to me

MY MIND IS MADE UP

100%

Tonight I have decided wholeheartedly on something a few of you may know a little something about.
I have never been so sure that I am making the right decision as I do now.
I've had my moment of clarity.

I shall make an official announcement after I have told the people it effects the most first, but be very excited for me.

I am.

Yeah, yeah and thrice yeah.

FACT

I have some of the most excellent friends a girl could have.
Thankyou ladies, Im feeling better today.

WET AND ON ALL FOURS....

...is how I have spent the last 3 hours.

A brand new glass washer came today to replace the old tempramental one. This is the 2nd glasswasher I have plumbed in, both have been a disaster. The first one was hard because it was a gravity draining one as opposed to a pump draining one that was in before.

No drama thought I when getting a new one. I ordered the same model by the same company that emptied the same way,only time and friggin tide wait for no man and the trunts have slighty altered the design. That is why the bleeder wouldnt work (unless the force of gravity altered last night and became weaker.) Its currently sat on a crate making it tricky to pour a pint from the 4 heads above it. Dont they have men to do these jobs? I hate to admit I gave up, but at least it works.

In other news I dont want to really talk about too much, I think a change of scenery seems likely - god I sound like Mystic Meg!

I was 2 bottles pissed on Magners last night (get in! thats what a loss of appetite can do for you!). Talking of which, have you seen the Winehouse in the Sun? OMG, she looks awful. Its soooo sad to see. I forced a muffin down me for breakfast in sympathy for her. Poor girl. I was even more appauled by her frightful eye make-up. Amy, sort yourself out.

I am very proud of myself. I have not tried to make any contact with the cockney (who I still love desperatley) since we spoke on Saturday. This makes me look a very strong person and also very very cool. I have even done this without removing his phone numbers off my phone.

MORNING

Im still sad but not as pathetic. Its cool. My ex pretend stalker keeps sending me texts that cheer me up and Lindz and Kay took me to Manchester on Sunday night which was ace, a banquet at Yang Sing is always a winner-first proper food since I've been back. T'was awesome. Then a trip across the road to the casino. I broke the £20 rule and did £40 and lost. Still, it felt good to be out.

Worked last night, Stuart from Big Brother a few years ago was in, thats about as exciting as it got - and thats not that exciting. His hair was all short and he drank apple juice. Very polite though, excellent manners.

Hopefully everyone in Macc has already asked me if I had a good holiday so I dont need to be met with that question again. It was a really really good holiday, only I obviously dont sound very convincing when I tell people "yes, good thanks".

I really think I should move out there. Macc is doing me in.

SADNESS STILL LOOMS

Well, we have finally spoken.

I guess I know deep down its for the best.And I know I will be fine one day.
I have gone through the denial stage,
bypassed the anger and bargaining stages.
This leaves me in depression with acceptance to look forward to.

I hope that comes soon cos this heartache is shit shamone.I never want to feel like this again. Everything I can think of in my life does not have a happy ending and Im having difficulty finding reason to even get up in the morning. But we enter into these things hoping we will never get hurt but knowing it is possible. Im not putting myself out there again to end up feeling like this.

ITS A SAD DAY PEOPLE.

I could not be sadder.

Im not going to say why on here anymore cos I fear it will backfire.

NOT QUITE ALTON TOWERS

Although we stayed in Saskatchewan we took the 7 odd hour drive to Fernie in B.C where one of my Aunties live.
We all had a go at white water rafting. Paul was the only one to go overboard, but he was at thr front which looked more dangerous than where I was at the back (not that Im admitting to that).
Saw a whole load of bald eagles, they were amazing. Stopped off for a picnic half way then the mental people (i.e, not me) jumped off this big high rock/cliff thing in to the river.

Legs were a bit stiff the next day but the arms were fine...but then I am 10 men after all.

MORE HOLIDAY WRONGSHOTS...

My Uncle Curtis is a bit of a trophy hunter! Since going in his basement I think Paul wants to take up hunting. I'll stick to my spud gun I think.

MOST OVERPLAYED SONG OF THE HOLIDAY AWARD...

I have not been able to get "Tequila Shelia" by Bobby Bare out of my head. Me and Paul played it to death. I dare you to download it, it will be in your head for ever.

MENTAL

On Sunday we went to a rodeo in Herbert. OMFG. It was amazing. Unfortunatley as I was a little worse for wear from drinking Paralysers and I looked proper charlie in my big blue and white gingham dress with cowboy boots, hair in pocohauntis platts and aviators, but I loved it all the same. My cousin Tyler competed he does this event....
..he chases a calf from a crate on his horse, ropes it around the neck. Jumps off his horse which then stops and pulls the end of the rope whilst he ties the calf up by its legs then flips it over and gets back on his horse with the calf staying down. Not only does he do all this but he does it in about 9 seconds. My jaw was on the floor!

THOSE AREN'T TWO PILLOWS...

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SHIT...ITS ME AIN'T IT?

It was plenty of years ago that I was a young inspired artist at university (before I got involved with Mr Tennents and Mrs Strongbow Super and dropped out).

Now I am working 'for the man' and chasing the bastard pound like everyone else.... like I promised myself I would not. Seems the only bit of me that is the same as the old me is the bit that walks around in paint covered dungarees. I caught a glance of myself when I was going to the bank this morning. Too-rye-fuckin-ay, I look like bastard Kevin Rowland, or at least one of his bloody midnight runners.

This is not good.

I am also rumoured to own a garage and mend cars. (I quite like this rumour, albeit it is not true). Think I need to ditch them. Yes, definatley.

Well, its my last shift tonight. I have packed and weighed my suitcase and its well light considering I could probably dress most of the 200 relations that will be at the family reunion I am going to.

I ordered a new itrip for my pod as my old one does not fit. It SHOULD have been here by now but of course it's not. Its bound to arrive on Monday which is too late. I have tried to find someone with one that I could borrow (and they could have my new one come Monday) but I have had no joy. Tits. Need a new plan.

So, off to London tomorrow to meet Paul. Sugar T and the Swirls are on at the Kings Head so we're gonna go there then its an early 5.30am atart to go to Gatwick. 9 Hours to Calgary, 4 hours drive to Cabri...think I best not go too mad with the Tom Booze tomorrow or I'll be grim. Think I'll stick to Magners. Me and Winona Cider get on well.

Well, thats me...back on the 8th,
cheesey grater x

ERM...

I totally forgot what I was going to say.

Oh, I think my nextdoor neighbour has died. I spoke to his mum on Tuesday and she said he was in hospital with multiple organ failure. This morning she was at the recycling bins at 7am (not normal) and today I saw her walk past with some brochure with flowers on the front.

HARD DAY AT THE OFFICE

Do you think Noel Edmonds goes home to his wife everynight and goes...
"Oh love, you wouldnt believe the game that went on today. He took out all the reds straight away...and can you guess what the banker offered him?
Can you?
Guess..
Go on, guess...
No, guess...
£1.
Can you believe it?
Oh, it was the longest run of reds we've ever had. Amazing it was, truely amazing...

And Mrs Edmunds would be all "Yes love, I know, I watched it, very interesting

Then Noel grabs his coat and heads off down the pub to chat about it with his mates in the 1p club

PERSONAL BEST

Went to Primark with my Mom and I rang up my biggest spend ever...£204
I am both proud and ashamed.
Whats more, I only commited 2 of the cardinal Primark mistakes upon checking my spoils at home.......A black top which was a 8 on a 12 hanger (d'oh) and a nighty which would mean me lobbing off one of my tits and splitting the remainding one in half. (nice). Seems I am not medium.
I bought some lovely dresses. Im gonna look like a 50s film star on holiday make no mistake.
It was a bit like a cartoon in Manchester yesterday. They were giving out the evening news free with the headine HOTTEST DAY EVER and everyone was carrying one under their arm with the headline showing. Ha ha, it reminded me of the Simpsons.

4 more days of work to go. Im sooo excited. Did you know if you get squirted by a skunk then you have to take a bath in tomato juice to get rid of the pong? Im afraid this might put me off bloody marys if I get doused.
Have chosen my duty free purchases already...one of those fuck off sized bottles of Galliano. Surely they will have the accompanying Vodka and orange juice in Cabri. FYI, my Mom reckons only about 400 people live in Cabri now, that means that probably more people live on my street than in the whole town where I am going. Its going to be soooo good!

ERGH

I've got a muvva fluffin abscess, inside my mouth between my tongue and back tooth. Last night it was MASSIVE, then I had my regular veggie kebab(yes I know!) with chilli and chips with sweet corn and I it burst. Chilli sauce tastes so bad with a burst abscess, come to think of it everything tastes bad.

Its like I've been licking batteries.

I was going to attempt to get in to the dentist this morning but as it doesnt look anywhere near as impressive as it did last night I left it. I like to think it will just cure itself. If its still bad by Monday then I'll go, promise.
I dont need this bad boy on holiday...talking of which its a week tomorrow I start the journey.

So excited.

Im told they are having Tshirts made!!!

LIKE LOSING AN ARM

On Tuesday night I wrote an absolutley hilarious entry, only blogger was down for whatever reason so I saved it. Since then my computer has been utter shit and I lost the post.

I wont even bother trying to rewrite it, basically it was about me being delivered a gypsie curse off soap dodger roger on Tuesday night whilst innocently ironing the bedsheets that the beagle had pissed on a day earlier.

Better news however is they swapped my ipod for a black 60gb video one, all brand new. So Im off to walk the hounds with it on now, think I'll start with a bit of "dirt off your shoulder"- you know cos I is bad ass.

ITS A CONSTANT BATTLE

This is what my life is like. One fucking act of destruction after another.

I clean the flat, turn around and the beagle will have either....
1. chewed something.
2.pissed on something.
3. tore up something.
4. unearthed it and got it all over the floor.

ARgh... Now I have never had children but surely this must be like having a toddler with a crayon in its hand and writing all ovwer the walls...ONLY EVERY BLOODY DAY.

He does not learn.

Now, I realise (or so I was told) that there is no such thing as a bad dog, just bad dog owners. But I really dont think you can lay this on me anymore. He pissed all over the bedsheets I had taken out of the drier and left momentarily on the floor last night. I just cried. Cried, cried, cried and cried
Today I washed, washed, washed and washed. Hired a carpet cleaner and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned and cleaned. Im at my wits end.

To cheer myself up I bought myself a new bottle of Lolita Lempicka (100ML!). (Dont anyone get any ideas, its my perfume. No one else is allowed to wear it. I claimed it years ago). I did smell someone else wearing it once but that was in London so I congratulated her on excellent taste and let her off!

Anyway, where was I. Oh yes, Jeremy the shithouse....

Did I show you his handywork??

They were the genuine article.
Proper Johnnie Boy Preston styleee.

Gone.
Ruined.
Bastardo.

So, when Im in Canada Im gonna treat myself to a brand new pair.
Hell, I might even get spurs. Like to see the little "C U Next Tuesday" eat them!!!

NO, I AM NOT TRIPPING MY TITS OFF

Have you ever walked into yourself? I did before when I was walking the hounds. It was freaky.
It was me and John Whitehead that I walked into, under the Silk Road flyover at the bottom of the steps where Katy and Tyler live. We were 18. (well I was 18,John was 16).

He had a New Model Army Tshirt, blonde hair and a goatee (he was an old looking 16 year old).
I was shorter than I was then, had glasses on (this bit was different) but I had my black and purple hair, short skirt and doc martins.

I remember walking down there looking like that 13 years ago. It was like deja vu but from someone elses eyes.

Guess this is me getting old and life going full circle. To think I thought I was so bloody cool and alternative (man). Little did I know everyone dresses the same somewhere along the line.

No, I have not been at the mushrooms I found when I stayed at Wildboarclough. Nor have I been on the special brew. Bollocks I cant explain it, well it makes sense to me anyway.

BLAH BLAH BLAH...

God damn it, my ipod has broke again.

I have found the receipt and I have 7 days until its 1 year is up. Fingers crossed I can swap it for a 6oGB video one (this time last year I swapped my 40 for a 60 when it broke.) Is it just me or do they always conk out at the 12 month mark? This is my 3rd to do so.

Talking of things breaking, or me breaking things I think I have knackered my teeth a little.

Its my own fault.

Last year I was bored in Boots with too much money so I bought a tooth whitening kit. I didnt need it, my teeth were white. I dont drink tea or coffee, gave up the tabs 4 years ago and red wine makes me unstable in a bad way so I steer clear of it. Regardless of this I tried it, noticed no difference so threw it out. Today though I noticed my teeth have gone off white. This can only be down to using the kit I didnt need. Hence today I have had to buy a whitening stick thing.

Do you know what else is like that? Echinacea. I have some on the shelf in the kitchen. Sometimes I come over all 'trying to be healthy'. So, I take a little thinking how it will make me all super powerful against any cold viruses knocking about. Guarenteed I get a stinking cold 2 days after. Vitamins are exactly the same,I know I need vitamin B12,but if I start taking them then I get all ill.

I know all this but do it year after year believing that it was just a coincidence last time. But I have a ridiculous need to buy things that I think are going to make me better. I think the only way I will actually feel better is if I kick my pathetically embarrassing Tesco diet Kick habit. I honestly cant stay awake through the day with out it. I'll have to take some caffine strips on holiday with me then do turkey on the Kick when I gt back. Im telling you, its in me bones!

STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON....

Seems 38 guns have been stolen out of the back of a van on London Road in Macclesfield. The fact that these are low velocity rifles used for pest control does little to put me at ease.

TJ'S

You could not live closer to TJ HUGHES than I do.
This is a fact. Its right across the road.
Regardless of this I dont really go in, I get a little put off by all the old folk sitting outside it on the garden furniture.

Im trying not to have my little afternoon sleep so I went over to have a poke around.

I fucking love T J HUGHES. I had forgotten how good it can be. I bought a whole load of BeneFit bathina stuff, Max Factor Lipfinitys - only £2, and a whole load of other decent make up for like £1 each. Knickers nicer and cheaper than the staple ones from primark and a lovely pair of silver pumps. Think I might rip up my Boots advantage card!

OBSCENE AND PORNOGRAPHIC ART??

Tha lady at the Post Office gave me some leaflets as I was making a hash of guessing how much the postage would be on the ebay items I was selling.

I had a giggle at the 2nd down from the top in the middle.....But surely isnt this the same as 5th down from the top in the middle only being described by Margo from the Good Life?

THERE IS NO POINT

After I finished work last night I was flicking through the channels and Reservoir Dogs was on.
I've only seen it once (in the Duke of York in Brighton when you were allowed to smoke in there).
Now, I aint no big film person but it was definatley different.
Im guessing they had cut all ther violence out which means that it really didnt make much sense. Either that or I fell asleep and missed the whole ear cutting off bit.

Whilst moaning about telly, why was Cash Cab not on today? I love Cash Cab.

I decided yesterday that for the next 3 weeks until my holiday I was going to refrain from cake, chocolates and sweets. However my brother is a feeder and has left mint cornettos in the freezer. Ive had one already, there is one left. I reckon I'll neck it then all temptation is gone for the future 20 days.

Oh my god, how boring am I? This really is the only thing I have to say!

I wont mention my feelings on the football result from the weekend incase I get lynched.
I worked Thursday,Friday, Saturday and Sunday night...I didnt do anything exciting at all. My life is grim.....Roll on the Holiday.....3 weeks today.

DING DONG THE WICKED FISH IS DEAD

Normality can finally been restored to the tank as the fish I won at Langley Fete 2 years ago has finally died.

I won it on the cocnut shy, I didnt think it through and took it home. Now, I was just going to put it in a bowl upstairs but I was told that you CAN put goldfish in with tropical fish. Only, if you do then they can never go back to cold water. They can never go back (sinister tone)

Well, at first it was a joy, it got on with all the other fish and looked happy. Then it grew 3 times its size almost over night and turned into a Hannibal Lecter. I thought the tank was looking a bit sparse so I trotted off to Pet City and bought 14 neon tetras. The bastard ate them all in 24 hours. He also munched his way through 6 guppies, 3 of those minging goldfish with the big eyes and I think he ate my plec.
Needless to say I learnt and stopped putting new fish in , so the tank has been a bit shit with just a big bastard goldfish, a boring silver shark (so boring I never even named it), Ian Beale the eel (who spends all his time under the gravel) and a talking cat fish that plays dead all day.

I got a customer to scoop it out for me yeaterday early doors (I couldnt find the net and am extremely gay when it comes to touching dead fish). Shortly afterwards a man came up to me....

"I hear the goldfish is dead"
(Im worried that he is going to accuse me of murder)
"can I see it?"
I explain how I flushed it down the toilet
"Its just I wanted to make sure it was dead, I hated that bastard".

Seems he gave everyone the evil eye whilst they were peeing (the fish tank is in the gents-well, t'wixt gents and pool room).

So, come Sunday I'm going to buy a whole load of new fish. Nice ones that dont kill and maybe dont watch cock so much.

KUNTZ

So, dawg, the word on the streets is that some guy got run over (well, hit by a car) whilst standing outside the Ivy House drinking in the street celebrating the football or whatever.
There was bloodshed in the Park Tavern and all hell broke loose round town with people throwing bottles and glasses.

Here, in my beautiful pub there was less action. I was in a foul mood and was my usual condescending piss taking self, being a miserable bitch to everyone.

FACT:
Macclesfield does not deserve Stella.

Some young lad stumbles in and gets all "10 men" with people walking past him. (Tis a bit of a squeeze at times in the POW). I point out the correct way to act when in a pub (as he ovbiously doesnt go out in them often). He calls me "darlin' ", "love" and "sweets" - which makes me cringe, I hate it when 18/19 years olds talk like old men. So I keep an eye on him and his mates.

FACT:
I dont like people in pubs blowing whistles.

I tell the man (hes over 40) to lay off the whistle. I then find him later arguing with the young lads from above. After I sort that load of hot air out,the man gives me the old "can I ask you, why do you show football if you dont want people to blow whistles, sing and have a good time" line.
I hate this line. I didnt realise that watching football meant that you didnt give a shit about the other people around you and have to act like a knob.(incidentally, the match finished over 3 hours ago) So I cry like a baby for him and say "Boo Hoo, Cath3rine wont let me blow my whistle, its not fair." His mates all laugh. I win.

Needless to say, Im not excited about next Saturday.

TRICK TRICK TRICKERY

Confusion raining down from up high

And all the time you ask yourself 'why?'



Ok, someones taking the piss.

Im selling 4 old coins on ebay. Now, I really doubt they
are worth anything.
They are just old pennies and half pennies.

Why then has someone I dont know offered me £500 for them.
There are 2 days to go and they are only at £3.99 or
something like that.
I have looked at other items he/she has bought and sold
and they are not a coin collector and they doesnt usually
spend such a massive amount.
I cant think of why anybody would want to treat me to my
airfare (cos £500 is exactly what I need).
 Needless to say I am not taking this seriously.

On another thread...
has anyone bought one of those JML invisible bras?
Im sure they cant work but Im still tempted to buy.
Are they a waste of money?

UN BER FUCKING BELIEVABLE

I dont believe it. I really dont believe it.

Now I am a laid back person, very laid back. Not much winds me up, so when I react to something I seem to think Im over reacting. But please tell me if I am wrong....

I just went over to Tescos to get some dinner. I open the door, go downstairs into the pub and there is a shopping trolley, with shopping in it in the pub. In the pub. I ask what its doing there and Im told that these 2 people sat down having a drink brought it in. They are sat down having a drink with there shopping in it in the pub. Please, I ask you...is this normal? I stormed off to Tescos wondering if I was wrong or right. As Im in the queue I decide I am definatley right and storm back into the pub and ask them why they have brought and asked them if they thought they were right bringing it in. I told them to take it outside straight away. I have now instructed staff that if such a thing happens again then we do not let shopping trolleys in the pub. I remember saying a beauty of a line..."its not the Bollin, its a pub." Idiots

ITS PROBABLY A GOOD JOB IM NOT A PARENT

Cos if I was Gail Platt I'd kick David Platt in the face until it bled and he died.
Then, after he was dead I would stamp on his corpse til it was mush and throw it in the bath tub.
Then i would go to Tescos and buy enough coke to fill the tub and leave it until it disloved his body.
(have you seen the experiment when they leave a tooth in a glass of coke? It soon disolves- so Im assuming skin and bone would be no problem).
It is safe to say I hate David Platt.
And through this hatred it is just possible I have come up with the perfect crime.Genius.

I HAVE HAD THE BEST LIGHTERS PRINTED

This is a fact.

I will post a picture when I can peel myself of the settee and scan one.

ALL IM MISSING IS A ROAD CONE IN MY FRONT ROOM

Ergh, university flashbacks.
Im rough as fook, been on the vodka. The fucking beagle ate my powdered mash potato so I couldn't have the miracle cure when I woke at 5am. Had to settle with a chilli sauce sandwich.
I got my brother to mix me up an alka seltzer. The weirdo did it in a coffee mug, stirred it with a knife and put ice cubes in it. Mother fucking ice cubes in alka seltzer, what is that about? We have a pub full of glasses and Im drinking alka seltzer on the rocks out of a mug with a knife. surprised I didnt get it in a saucepan.

My hair had all dredlocked together. Im not impressed.

I have slight Millstone and Preachers flashbacks. Dont think I stayed at either for long. Felt very N.E.R.D in the morning "Woke up I had the same clothes on I had on last night, damn,I must have passed out."Now I must eat but I cant stomach anything.

There were 2 little bastards blowing an airhorn outside for about an hour before, I was about to tip water over them until they did one. Now I've just got 'der-der-derderder-der-der-der-der-DER DER' in my head.

SUPA(SHIT)EUS

Not doing well at all, Im putting money on my next horse being shot as Im obviously cursed.
Looks like I'll have to work for a living after all.

BUGGER

8th in the Gold Cup.

Its not looking to good, but its exciting to watch.
Whats next...(she checks her betting slip)..Supaseus in the 4.25.

COME ON SUPASEUS, - Momma needs a new pair of shoes.

ERM...

Second horse not so good. We came 7th.

On a better note.... the rep from Vladivar just came in. Told me if I bought 6 x 1.5l Vladivar he will give me 1.5l for free. I said I would next week and the trusting gent gave me the vodka then and there. Ha ha ha ha,dont think I'll be ordering that then...well, I might forget to. Suckers!

GET IN

The first of our horses won.....Yeah......

CROSS YOUR FINGERS AND TOES....

Okay, here goes my betting today. My brother has been studying hard and I'm going to dabble a little. Makes the day pass quicker anyway.

I'm gambling £15 all together. Not sure how it works exactly but I need 3 of them to win (cant remember which 3) and the others to be placed. If they all win I get to do what ever I want. Im guessing that it will not happen.

My Horses .....

3.50 Tungsten Strike
and the ones listed below....

KIM AND AGGIE STAY AWAY

Everybody knows Jeremy loves mashed potatoe...

The little shithouse broke into my kitchen cupboard and opened my Tesco value mash and got it all over the floor, all over the flat. Tesco value mash (33p) gets into carpets more than the boulderous smash as it is powdered like wallpaper paste.
It rocks with hangovers though. I like to think that when you wake up early, still trunted from the night before, if you spoon feed yourself some powdered mash it goes in your stomach, absorbs the bile and cleans the uglyness out of you (that for me usually appears at about 7 pm).

The giant has gone to Ascot for the day. These are Lindszoid's tips.....

2.35 Dutch Art
3.10 Suzy Bliss
4.25 Supaseus
4.55 Deepwater Bay
5.30 Shersha

I'll keep one eye on the racing and lets see how he does.

NUMBER ONE GIRLFRIEND

That is me.

Paul waited until I had finished work until he opened his present. Managed to get everyone out by 11.45pm (appologies for not letting anyone stay, but I had a phone date).

His sister gave me a running commentary whilst he opened his presents, they were well received! He sounded like a kid at christmas, I just wish I was there to see.

Hes trying to get up here for the weekend. I dont hold up much hope. Even if he does Im probably going to have to work for most of it. Fucking football ruining my life.

PRIMARK v PEACOCKS.......

No contest.

Peacocks was ok, slightly dearer that the mighty mark of pri and some of the stuff I did like but there was some shit. Like Bon Marche shit.

I purchased a beautiful pair of £10 red espadrills (that I have seen everyone wearing). Im glad they are back (they are arent they?).
Last pair I had was when I was 7, they werent as high and I wore them with everything. I remember wearing them in Lisa Halls backgarden drinking cold lemon lift tea with thigh high brown socks dancing to Bucks Fizz. Egad!

I also fuelled my love of the red and white gingham by getting a halterneck in said material. Some hair bands, beads and an army dress. Not as nice as the Primark one but they did have it in a 14!

The bus to congleton was a dream, left at 2.15 got back at for 4.

The pub was dead at night...s'pose they are are saving themselves for tonight, which reminds me, I better go and buy some hotdogs......

laters x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY GIANT MAN

Its Pauls birthday today. I have excelled myself with the present and have got him the Craig David mask and all that. Its proper bo.

Hes still in London and I cant get out of work (bloody football) so I posted it down. I wrapped everything in order for him to open...

1. A tasteless beanie (he wont have a clue and think I have really bad taste)
2. The glasses (Im guessing he'll know whats coming...).
3. The head phones (but he still has to open the other 2 so he'll be pretty excited)
4. The mask.
5. Kes. (I had to drill two holes in his ass to fit a wristband through so he can wear it.)

I rang him this morning at 6 and he was already on his way to work. He's opening it tonight when he gets back from the gym. I know hes going to love it.

I HAVEN'T ADDED ANY PICTURES FOR AGES

Just some random shots from my back yard.
Heres my MASSIVE Veuve Clicquot parasol with the mosaic houses I made that I am now getting tired of.














And the stained glass window Sams mum made for me. I really want to learn how to make stained glass stuff...its my next task.
Then just a shot of some of my hanging basket things. (the other mosaic is one I did at the front door, only I cant seem to turn it the right way without loading them all again....and quite frankly that took to long to do in the first place.)

CATH3RINE LUTHER KING JR.

I had a dream.....Last night I dreamt I went to Peacocks and it was shit, just full of OAP farmer jackets.
This morning I open the Sun to find a Primark v Peacocks special.
Think I might take myself off to Peacocks today to have a look. I still love Primark but then unless they've moved it Peacocks is alot closer.

PROMISE THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL DIRECT YOU TO EBAY

I think I need to try harder with my descriptions. Im rubbish at sales! FOR EXAMPLE

GO ON......

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO

DONT WATCH THAT, WATCH THIS...

Last time I blogg about how many watchers I have on ebay. 5 of them are no longer watching my Pixies live LP.
This doesnt help my state of mind people, I am desperatley broke and need the cash.
Optimism is fading....

WORST NMA LYRIC...APPOLOGIES MR SULLIVAN

I've just been doing the cleaning when an old NMA song came on. Now I loved the Army. I followed them all over Europe a few times, had the paracloggs, dreadlocks and everything.
And, Justin - if you are reading this then Im sorry but WTF sad ass lyric this one really was....

"Beethoven he was a deaf man,
Jesus Christ was a Jew.
But of all these little twists of irony,
My favourite one is you."

It makes me cringe Justin, it just makes me cringe.

GOMEZ

Yeah...its tonight.

Unfortunatley I miss my ebay items coming to their end. Im quite excited. I have put my Pixies (yes, I know its like selling your children but I dont own a record player) "Long Live The Surf Guitar" live album on and it has 9 people watching it. I have high hopes. There is a rarer Pixies promo on too but the interest in that is not so good. Im also kissing goodbye to some Dead Kennedys and Sonic Youth, it makes me sad! They should have a pawn shop for records cos I know I'll want em back one day.

ITS A JOY TO BE AT WORK

I am currently lying on the roof in the baking heat doing my paperwork and tinternetting. I cant see fuck all but it beats being inside.

Working myself into a preholiday frenzy. I love my cowboy family. Two of my cousins are proffesional rodeo riders and I think we're going to watch them do their stuff. Paul is quite excited about driving trucks and wearing cowboy hats and running from grizzly bears.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah.

WTF?

Is anyone else watching that weird orange Marcus Tandy looking wanker on Britains Biggest Spenders?
Its putting me off money of all things, and just as Ive put 30 odd bits of crap on ebay.
My laptop is now burning my legs I've been at it that long.

BOOKED IT, PACKED IT, FUCKED OFF.....

Well, am fucking off....

Im gonna be a cowgirl.

Im off to the family reunion in Canada with my Mum and my cockney geeezer. Got the flights pretty cheap considering the time we are going. 24 July - 7 August.....just got to pay for it now.
Ebay here I come.....

SO EXCITED

Gomez.....at The Ritz......a Week on Tuesday....
could I be anymore excited?

Although I was a sad regular at the Ritz back in the day (on a Monday and a Wednesday)I have never seen anyone play there.

I have lied on numerous occassions about me going to see Rage Against The Machine there - the night that guy died from falling off the balcony, but quite frankly that is another lie of mine.

I also never went to Spike Island, have not canoed down the canal,have never shoplifted,...there are so many lies, I cant begin to remember them all....

Once was when I was walking home from school with Sarah Jane in the 2nd year. She asked me if I had started my periods yet....I said no - because I hadnt. She told me she had and then kept talking about them all the time with the so called "cool" people at school.
So the next week I told her I lied and had started them, infact I had started before she had, I just didnt want to tell her cos I was 'embarrassed'. I had to keep up that one for a bloody year.I mean a fucking year. Ha ha, bloody year....this thing just writes itself!


From Gomez to periods......class Cath3rine, pure class!

ARSE ANTLERS

arse antlers n. That Celtic tattoo that dodgy birds seem to think is a classy thing to have growing out of the top of their bum crack.

THANK YOU NOEL

They've just picked Stevie on Deal or no Deal.....Im so excited.
I just know shes got 250,000 in her box.
I hate this programme, I cant stop watching it.

DEAR COMPUTER GEEKS.....

Right, Im a bit shit on the old computers....

On my PC I use iMesh Lite to download free mp3 shite. I have just gone to put it on my Mac laptop and its giving me loads of "you need a bluetooth something or other" bollocks.

So, Question.....Whats the best application thing to use to download choons with out filling my computer up with all the crap that I got last time I used KaaZaa

MEGA HITS

Have you seen the amount of hits the Laura VanRyn blog has got? Dont get me wrong...I think its awful and Im impressed and amazed by her families incredible strength of faith, but OMG, it just goes to show what a little publicity can do.

I need to do something to make the pub buisier....its dropping off a little at the moment. I need to put my media whore head on and come up with something fantastic...cant be that hard.

FAMOUS PEOPLE SPOTTING IN LONDON

Did very poorly. Only saw Louie Threuough (not even going to appologise for the spelling) walking over the bridge by Kings Cross. But then as I spent most of the time in bed Im not surprised I only saw the one.

BENDER

Sorry for the absence but I went on a bit of a bender. Only I've been more ill than drunk, god, I used to be so good at drinking and all....now, quite frankly I am shit.

Started power drinking vodka on Sunday until I eventually turned into the worlds most annoying person by singing Elton Johns "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" continually. Seems after agreeing to go to Chicago I pulled my usual move by leaving the minute I got in.

Had to do the bloody cleaning on Monday then decided to fuck the bank holiday working malarchy off and got Liz to work for me and went to London.

Now, I can only put it down to me topping up the drink cos I was soon hammered. Paul picked me up at Euston and we stayed in Camden on the booze. I think it was the wine at his sisters house that might have sent me over the edge. I should have come home on Tuesday but I couldnt face the train ride so I got the bus into town whilst Paul was working had some noodles then got that feeling of too much saliva in my mouth....I was going to be sick.

I was planning on going to see the Bodies exhibition at Earls Court, but I thought seeing lots of dead bodies may not be the best thing for someone in my delicate state so sadly I got on the bus and went back to bed.

Paul finished work abour 7 and we went for some food, unfortunatley I was still grim and embarrassingly couldnt eat so we had an early night.

Got back to Macc yesterday and had to work all day. Bleurggh...Still, Im feeling fine now. 2 day hangovers do not rule.

MY FIRST ENTRY ON THE SETTEE

Oo-er missus.

Well, after much persistence from the mighty John Lewis I am now in a Wi-Fi zone. This means I can blog off my ibook whilst sitting on the settee watching neighbours.

Living dream? Indeed I am....only the ultra gay Benson keeps resting his head on the keypad. Benson you are not helping.

So, the weekend......
Im trying to convince Paul to drive up here.I was going to try to make it down there but with there being only one train from Macclesfield to London on Sunday I dont think so.
I think I may have suceeded anyway...fingers crossed.Hes ringing me later.

(is that Shonen Knife in the backgroung of the BBC springwatch tv thing?....I loved Shonen knife. U-U-U-Ultra excentric, super cult pop punk band, Shonen Knife. I used to be all sad and groupie like and write to the bassist. She sent me pictures she took of them when they toured with Nirvana before they were big. I think I left them in Brighton. Shame, there were some good ones of Kurt. Could have ebayed them bad boys.)

BANK HOLIDAY SUNDAY TRAINS

SHITE.

say no more.

THE MORNING WAS GOING WELL UNTIL THE POSTMAN CAME

I am nearing my wits end.

Mr Nat West, how do you sleep at night? In a big fuck off bed stuffed full of all my hard earned cash whilst getting a hand job from Mr Citizens advice Bureau no doubt.

May you rot in hell.

HEROIN CHIC

I now have a puncture wound from giving blood yesterday.
I dont "dig" it at all. 

I'M PUNK AS FLUFF

After years of me living with my parents and subjecting them to all the shite I used to listen to, why is it now that at 31 when my Dad comes around to my house and catches me in the office listening to the Dead Kennedys "Too drunk to fuck" I feel like I have to turn it off?

He had to listen to it at full blast all throughout my teenage years so god only knows why Im acting all vanilla on him now.