LAST NIGHT.....

So,I was in Tescos queuing up at the cigarette kiosk and that f*ckwit Gordon Ramsey was in front of me swearing at the girl working there cos they had run out of 10 packs of Richmond Blue. Now I hate the pumice stone faced tw*t so I tell him to lay of the girl,be a man and commit to smoking packs of 20.

He turns to look at me and explains he is trying to quit the fags and he is only shouting cos he is stressed. He is having a dinner party on his narrow boat that evening and someone has let him down with one of the courses. He said that I could come along if I brought a dish. I asked him if parsnip soup was ok? He said no, it was shit and not that inventive. I explained how I would use roasted parsnips and maple sirrup. At the mention of maple sirrup he smiled and said if I finished it off with ground nutmeg then it was a deal.

So I began running around Tescos looking for the nutmeg only they had moved it and started stocking farming machinery where the spices used to be. The store was to close in 5 minutes and my old knee injury flared up making it hard for me to run and find the spices. "Why the hell are you selling John Deer tractor spares?" I asked the manager, "do you not think nutmeg is more important at this time of the year?"

Evidentally not as Tesco had decided to no longer stock schwartz (or their own equivilant) they said spices were the worst selling item in Tescos Metro Macclesfield and I would have to go to the big Tescos if I wanted any.

God, it comes to something when your dreams are more boring than real life.

Actually, last night wasn't so bad (except when I shouted at this couple for both going into the ladies (a man and a woman). After a few badly made sarcastic comments from me about how she was all over the place and couldnt even walk through the busy pub unaided, I found out she was infact blind."Blind drunk you mean" quips I-to her mate when he told me.

I thought he was joking.

He wasn't.

Still, you'd think she could pee on her own.