ITS FUN TO STAY AT THE......

genius

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

No its not today......but Im in talks with the Sidebottom to see if he will play here on my birthday (3rd Janvier folks) as we have sold out already for 5th. Its looking good. Jelly and ice cream all round folks x

SIDEBOTTOM SELL OUT

Yes, all the tickets have gone.

In other news, I have decided to scrap the pearly queen idea for the concert tomorrow night. Instead I am opting for flat cap, that brown waistcoat from river island, black shorts tights and heels. Oh, and a scarf tied the way that cockney market stall holders do. Cor blimey guv'nor, I'm gonna look like a right bloody charlie innit?!

HARDLY THE GREAT ADVENTURE

The bloody beagle ran away last night, someone left the back gate open.
I went out and shouted for him, why I dont know cos he never comes when I call him.
So I slept on the settee so if someone rang then I would hear the phone.

Someone then rang in the morning to see if I had lost a dog, guess where he was? Trying to get in to Subway. In 4 hours he had only made it as far as down the road. Not very adventurous, Benson would have been in Wales by then if he had have escaped.

I was waiting for my ebay bids to realise so I sat up and drank with a man I met last Monday (who I then had a filthy dream about.) Its a fate thing. So I wrote down my number and said that he might need it if he was ever going to get around to asking me out...it was getting late and I needed to sleep.

IM NOT A HANDBAG GIRL

I wish I was. I dont mean that website place, I mean I dont carry a handbag. I still have hundreds of them mind.

I think its because I never really go out. Cos Im always here I dont need to carry stuff about with me. So when I do I lose things cos I dont usually carry anything with me.

WTF am I moaning about? Oh, thats it. I have lost my hairbrush. I went into town to buy another but I cant find the same one (its a dead good one that doesnt pull out my extentions, which have nearly all dropped out now anyway.) Think I may have left it in Lindsays brothers car when he drove us to Amy Winehouse in Liverpool. This is quite funny as she never uses a hair brush (by the looks of it) and so now I am evolving into her - well with matted hair anyway. I dont however weigh 5 stone.

Talking of weight, I started back at Slimming World last week for the 3rd time. I was going to be all dedicated and the first day I wrote out my menu sheet thing. You are allowed 10 syns a day. Things were looking good by 5pm as I had had no syns. Then, circumstances forced me another way and me and Claire went out. One 35ml vodka and diet coke are 4 syns. I did some rough calculations and I must have had 68 syns on day one. Im not holding out much hope for my weigh in tomorrow.

This week should be ok. The only big drinking day is Thursday when I am going to see Chas N Dave in Stockport (once I have made a pearly queen dress for me to wear). I need one of those ChasNDave Tshirts with the playboy bunny on it wearing a flat cap. I will purchase one there.

Im looking forward to Friday, I have an appointment with locally renowned medium Ursula at 7.30. Im kind of looking forward to it. Hope she doesnt tell me some dead dude says I should stay in Macc and fook off my Canada plans. That would cause conflict.

Then my tree goes up on Sunday and I will spend the week preparing for Franks visit. He is on Paul O'Grady tonight. Fortunatley Paul O'Grady isnt on it. He bugs me.


Cahs N Dave signed my mate Claires tits once. It was hilarious

OKAY, YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY.....

That you shouldn't open emails from people you dont know. Is this really true?
I dont bother with ones that offer me drugs or whatever to make my penis larger, not having one lessens my interest in this. They usually read something like this

dear p*************@aol.com enlarge your penis with hjvgdfhbahi;gh;ihjnJKL;DNKJBDLBF

But I have had one from someone which when opened (no warning notice popped up) read thus...

And eight. And that my meat which run like

It has an attatchment that I have not downloaded but I am intreagued.

Does it have virus written all over it? Ive had one of them before, I have also had some dodgy guy pretending to be paypal emailing me. I thwarted that attempt.

I was a victim of credit card fraud last year when some cuntie succesfully managed to bill me for their aol connection for 6 months without me noticing. Im more careful nowadays (I am also unable to use my credit cards,....this helps!! ha ha ha!)

Yes, I ended up a drinking and stuff last night. Argued about dentists, discussed Chas N Dave and drank hot cider infront of the fire. Magic Mushrooms on a Sunday? God's day? How rude. I told this man I would make him leave if he kept on throwing beer mats at customers. He denied throwing beer mats a customers. When I sat down I realised he hadnt infact thrown any beer mats.

Strong shit indeed!!

Umm, not really living the dream am I? 7 months to go though...

WATCH OUT, BEAGLES ABOUT....

Well its been a while people. Infact I bet no one even looks at this page anymore...

Its Sunday afternoon, I have just embarrasingly ripped open the carton of Innocent juice that I was drinking (blackcurrant,acerola,cherries and rosehips) and licked it clean. It was whilst doing this that I decided to ressurect the beagle blog.

Although I am still annoyed about the whole Paul situation I got in I am no way near as bothered by it.

I never felt at home at the secret splinter blog I started and my saving the pub blog doesnt need to be written on as the pub has indeed been saved.

What with all that, the fact that this one is a year old and that this will be (hopefully) my last 7 months in the country...

I have decided to return. Well I will return to blogging after I have washed my hair and served a few boozehounds with swill...With any luck I shall retun tonight instead of getting invloved with some vodka...depends who comes in.

Not long to go now. How excited am I? I've got Frank Sidebottom (and Little Frank) coming here to turn on my tree lights a week on Tuesday.

He will play two 50 minute sets and the home made tickets I made have nearly sold out.

So excited, so excited, so excited, so excited, so excited, so excited....

In fact, so excited I typed that out and didnt copy and paste it, thats how excited I am.....

URGENT BLOG UPDATE

I am being forced to break my blog abstenence to bring you some sad news.

It has just been brought to my attention that they are planning on knocking down the Prince Of Wales.

This saddens me deeply, action must be taken.

IT'S ALL GRAVY

Thankyou everyone for your comments but it is time for me to move on.
Its time to put the Daily Beagle to bed. Incidentally Jeremy will be doing it for the kids, so to speak, you can keep up with him being pimped for charity at Ninas Blog.

Don't worry if you cant get hold of me on my mobile, I haven't done one yet but I'm changing my number cos of one thing and another. I'm still on email at Portersprince@aol.com and I will be back some time to invite you all to my leaving party.

Cat x

I AM PISSED

FACT. ....My head is up my arse.

Oh, and I have drank alot of rum.

Polly, thankyou.

Helena, thankyou. You are an amazing person.

As for further more blogging, I dont think I will bother.
By June I will be out of here and I cant wait, i may blog again then but as far as now is concerned I dont see the point.

Im unhappy, I dont think I'm doing any good by sharing that with you.

Its been great x

I FEEL SO UTTERLY DISGUSTING

The more I find out the more I hate myself for falling for it. I proper loved this man.
Now I find out he is nothing what I thought he was.

Told me he was at a funeral in Ireland with his Dad at Christmas.
He spent Christmas with his wife and kids.
Gave her an excuse and spent New Year with his other girlfriend and her kids. Then turns up for me on my birthday on 3rd Jan. I could go on but its too much of a head fuck.Ouch.

Man,he broke my heart. I am such a fool.

I WILL PROBABLY DELETE THIS BY THE END OF THE DAY

I am struggling with how to deal with something.

I am beginning (along with many other people) to see blogs as not a good thing. Im using it as therapy today because I dont know how else to adjust to something I now know.

In September I started to take a fancy to a man that comes in the pub I run. Within a few weeks and some matchmaking done he rang me up, we met up and went on a few dates.

The second time I met him he told me had children but he didn't live with them, had been having lots of shit with his ex but everyone has a past and I thought he seemed fine.

In October I took a break from work, took my dogs to Wildboarclough in a cottage for 2 weeks. He came over to stay, we were getting on fine although didnt stay longer cos he was working all over the place. (He has his own buisness and has to go where the work is). I work quite alot too, Im busy all weekends, working anti-social hours but I didnt mind taking things slow because I wasnt in a hurry.

Over the next few months I saw him when I could. In January he gave up his flat in Macclesfield and moved back down south as he was working there for the forseeable. He came up for my birthday, I saw him more over January,(cos 2006 was going to be our year apparently) by February he was telling me he loved me, I went to down to see him where he was working. It wasnt ideal but I thought he was perfect for me. This carried on until May.

In May he began making more of an effort, came up for the weekend when he could, we spoke on the phone all the time. Took me out for a chinese and started to talk strange, saying if I hear someone saying things about him then not to believe it. He had an ex girlfriend who was a psycho and had gone down to London to his ex wifes house and started kicking off. I asked when they had split up and he said it was ages ago, she was just nuts apparently.(the ex girlfriend, not his ex wife).

He was living with his sister in London. I went down there and met her (cos I wasnt totally convinced, something wasnt right, but seeing it was how he said it was I felt reassured). I told him I was going to Canada in August with my Mum. Asked if he fancied coming to and he was well up for it. He sent me his money and I bought the tickets, it was all booked.

On holiday things were great. We had the best time, my family loved him and he loved them. All was amazing. He had always talked of how he wanted us to have children, took it as read we were getting married. Said how excited he was about our future, he was ging to make more of an effort to spend more time here, expected his work would shift up here for at least a year so he'd live here.

As you all know, I was dumped 2 days after we got back by text message. I was gutted. He gave no explanation and wouldn't answer my calls.

A week after I wrote the most amazing letter I have ever written. I sent it to him with my copy of the holiday photos off my camera, I told him he could email me the ones off his camera and gave him my email address. Now he doesn't really do computers but his nephew that he lives with does so I figured he'd help him. I was getting my head around the break up, if the letter didnt make him see differently then obviously he wasnt the man for me.

I heard nothing from him. Fair enough I thought, I still didnt get how someone could change their mind so drastically though.

Thursday night I get an email. Its from 'his wife'. Telling me how They had 2 kids and had been married for 23 years. Now I knew he had 2 kids, he told me all about them and had shown me pictures. He had told me that he got married at 19 (which was indeed 23 years ago) So I wasnt shocked. I didnt really believe it. After all, I had met his sister, I had been to where he lives. He had been away with me for 2 weeks, obviously she was a nutter. I rang him asking if he knew anything about it. He said no, but he hadn't got the photos I sent him nor the letter. Assumed that for some reason his daughter had taken it and it was her emailing me. I said I wasnt going to respond- I didnt want to get involved.

However I got curious. We are both on aol and I saw she was online so I messaged her.

Seems they only split up in May. After the girl he was seeing up here turned up on their doorstep in London,she threw him out. He had started seeing her the April before I met him and was seeing her while he was seeing me whilst also seeing his wife. I will put £1,000,000 that there are more of us he had on the go. He told his wife he was going to Ireland for 2 weeks to stay with relatives. She didnt know about me until she got the envelope I sent him with pictures of us in Canada with a long letter of me telling how much I loved him.

His wife was lovely. I appologised. He told me they had split up about 10 years ago. She said she has no bad feelings towards me - just him and his lies. I dont want to post this because I dont want his kids to find out how much of a shit their father is but I have to get it out of me somehow. So, I will delete it soon. But if anybody out there ever happens to come across a lovely, honest,caring genuine man who is too good to be true BE VERY CAUTIOUS.



Unfortunatley he is not what he seems.

I REALLY WANT TO POST WHAT I KNOW BUT I DONT KNOW IF ITS RIGHT OR NOT

What a day.

Something has come to light that I have suspected but refused to believe. I want to share it but even this might be too much to blog. Im not that bothered and I feel I should share. I'll wait to see what my Mum thinks about the whole thing.

Lets just say I am over my heartache of last week. Well over it. Its like a Take a Break story I tell thee. I feel he should be shamed in public but at the same time I dont want to waste anymore time on him. Unbelievable

NO GOOD DEED

Thought I'd do something nice and selfless yesterday to cheer myself up* but they wouldnt take my blood, as rare as it is, as the donor session. Im 7% of the population, o- is the only blood that can be given to anybody. I am indeed universal.
Anyway, Seems I have to wait a month incase I contracted Western Nile Disease or something from my holiday. Bah...I cant get a break.

My phone has died. It will text but not answer. I got a message saying I had a voicemail, tried to access it and the bloody phone wiped it. Now Im really fed up. Dont know who it was.
I've cancelled my contract as Im going pay as you go until I emmergrate.

Can not decide what handset to get. I want one that will take pictures that I can put on my computer and can have nice ringtones which are quite loud. Any suggestions? I cant get my head around the shit way motorolas scroll and work so not one of them, even if they are the best looking ones.

----------------------------------------------------

*which I do of course realise makes it selfish .

HAVE TOLD MY BOSS

Ok, I told him thatI wanted to keep him up to date with what I am thinking,
that it is nothing definate but I wanted him to hear about it from me instead of the Macc gossip machine.

The end of May next year I am out of here,
out of the pub,
out of Macc,
out of the United Kingdom.....for ever. (well, except for the odd holiday)


He was very cool about it and promises to do anything he can to help.
He really is the best boss in the world.

I HAVE RANG MY BOSS

He isnt in, I left a message. Im waiting for him to get back to me

MY MIND IS MADE UP

100%

Tonight I have decided wholeheartedly on something a few of you may know a little something about.
I have never been so sure that I am making the right decision as I do now.
I've had my moment of clarity.

I shall make an official announcement after I have told the people it effects the most first, but be very excited for me.

I am.

Yeah, yeah and thrice yeah.

FACT

I have some of the most excellent friends a girl could have.
Thankyou ladies, Im feeling better today.

WET AND ON ALL FOURS....

...is how I have spent the last 3 hours.

A brand new glass washer came today to replace the old tempramental one. This is the 2nd glasswasher I have plumbed in, both have been a disaster. The first one was hard because it was a gravity draining one as opposed to a pump draining one that was in before.

No drama thought I when getting a new one. I ordered the same model by the same company that emptied the same way,only time and friggin tide wait for no man and the trunts have slighty altered the design. That is why the bleeder wouldnt work (unless the force of gravity altered last night and became weaker.) Its currently sat on a crate making it tricky to pour a pint from the 4 heads above it. Dont they have men to do these jobs? I hate to admit I gave up, but at least it works.

In other news I dont want to really talk about too much, I think a change of scenery seems likely - god I sound like Mystic Meg!

I was 2 bottles pissed on Magners last night (get in! thats what a loss of appetite can do for you!). Talking of which, have you seen the Winehouse in the Sun? OMG, she looks awful. Its soooo sad to see. I forced a muffin down me for breakfast in sympathy for her. Poor girl. I was even more appauled by her frightful eye make-up. Amy, sort yourself out.

I am very proud of myself. I have not tried to make any contact with the cockney (who I still love desperatley) since we spoke on Saturday. This makes me look a very strong person and also very very cool. I have even done this without removing his phone numbers off my phone.

MORNING

Im still sad but not as pathetic. Its cool. My ex pretend stalker keeps sending me texts that cheer me up and Lindz and Kay took me to Manchester on Sunday night which was ace, a banquet at Yang Sing is always a winner-first proper food since I've been back. T'was awesome. Then a trip across the road to the casino. I broke the £20 rule and did £40 and lost. Still, it felt good to be out.

Worked last night, Stuart from Big Brother a few years ago was in, thats about as exciting as it got - and thats not that exciting. His hair was all short and he drank apple juice. Very polite though, excellent manners.

Hopefully everyone in Macc has already asked me if I had a good holiday so I dont need to be met with that question again. It was a really really good holiday, only I obviously dont sound very convincing when I tell people "yes, good thanks".

I really think I should move out there. Macc is doing me in.

SADNESS STILL LOOMS

Well, we have finally spoken.

I guess I know deep down its for the best.And I know I will be fine one day.
I have gone through the denial stage,
bypassed the anger and bargaining stages.
This leaves me in depression with acceptance to look forward to.

I hope that comes soon cos this heartache is shit shamone.I never want to feel like this again. Everything I can think of in my life does not have a happy ending and Im having difficulty finding reason to even get up in the morning. But we enter into these things hoping we will never get hurt but knowing it is possible. Im not putting myself out there again to end up feeling like this.

ITS A SAD DAY PEOPLE.

I could not be sadder.

Im not going to say why on here anymore cos I fear it will backfire.

NOT QUITE ALTON TOWERS

Although we stayed in Saskatchewan we took the 7 odd hour drive to Fernie in B.C where one of my Aunties live.
We all had a go at white water rafting. Paul was the only one to go overboard, but he was at thr front which looked more dangerous than where I was at the back (not that Im admitting to that).
Saw a whole load of bald eagles, they were amazing. Stopped off for a picnic half way then the mental people (i.e, not me) jumped off this big high rock/cliff thing in to the river.

Legs were a bit stiff the next day but the arms were fine...but then I am 10 men after all.

MORE HOLIDAY WRONGSHOTS...

My Uncle Curtis is a bit of a trophy hunter! Since going in his basement I think Paul wants to take up hunting. I'll stick to my spud gun I think.

MOST OVERPLAYED SONG OF THE HOLIDAY AWARD...

I have not been able to get "Tequila Shelia" by Bobby Bare out of my head. Me and Paul played it to death. I dare you to download it, it will be in your head for ever.

MENTAL

On Sunday we went to a rodeo in Herbert. OMFG. It was amazing. Unfortunatley as I was a little worse for wear from drinking Paralysers and I looked proper charlie in my big blue and white gingham dress with cowboy boots, hair in pocohauntis platts and aviators, but I loved it all the same. My cousin Tyler competed he does this event....
..he chases a calf from a crate on his horse, ropes it around the neck. Jumps off his horse which then stops and pulls the end of the rope whilst he ties the calf up by its legs then flips it over and gets back on his horse with the calf staying down. Not only does he do all this but he does it in about 9 seconds. My jaw was on the floor!

THOSE AREN'T TWO PILLOWS...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

SHIT...ITS ME AIN'T IT?

It was plenty of years ago that I was a young inspired artist at university (before I got involved with Mr Tennents and Mrs Strongbow Super and dropped out).

Now I am working 'for the man' and chasing the bastard pound like everyone else.... like I promised myself I would not. Seems the only bit of me that is the same as the old me is the bit that walks around in paint covered dungarees. I caught a glance of myself when I was going to the bank this morning. Too-rye-fuckin-ay, I look like bastard Kevin Rowland, or at least one of his bloody midnight runners.

This is not good.

I am also rumoured to own a garage and mend cars. (I quite like this rumour, albeit it is not true). Think I need to ditch them. Yes, definatley.

Well, its my last shift tonight. I have packed and weighed my suitcase and its well light considering I could probably dress most of the 200 relations that will be at the family reunion I am going to.

I ordered a new itrip for my pod as my old one does not fit. It SHOULD have been here by now but of course it's not. Its bound to arrive on Monday which is too late. I have tried to find someone with one that I could borrow (and they could have my new one come Monday) but I have had no joy. Tits. Need a new plan.

So, off to London tomorrow to meet Paul. Sugar T and the Swirls are on at the Kings Head so we're gonna go there then its an early 5.30am atart to go to Gatwick. 9 Hours to Calgary, 4 hours drive to Cabri...think I best not go too mad with the Tom Booze tomorrow or I'll be grim. Think I'll stick to Magners. Me and Winona Cider get on well.

Well, thats me...back on the 8th,
cheesey grater x

ERM...

I totally forgot what I was going to say.

Oh, I think my nextdoor neighbour has died. I spoke to his mum on Tuesday and she said he was in hospital with multiple organ failure. This morning she was at the recycling bins at 7am (not normal) and today I saw her walk past with some brochure with flowers on the front.

HARD DAY AT THE OFFICE

Do you think Noel Edmonds goes home to his wife everynight and goes...
"Oh love, you wouldnt believe the game that went on today. He took out all the reds straight away...and can you guess what the banker offered him?
Can you?
Guess..
Go on, guess...
No, guess...
£1.
Can you believe it?
Oh, it was the longest run of reds we've ever had. Amazing it was, truely amazing...

And Mrs Edmunds would be all "Yes love, I know, I watched it, very interesting

Then Noel grabs his coat and heads off down the pub to chat about it with his mates in the 1p club

PERSONAL BEST

Went to Primark with my Mom and I rang up my biggest spend ever...£204
I am both proud and ashamed.
Whats more, I only commited 2 of the cardinal Primark mistakes upon checking my spoils at home.......A black top which was a 8 on a 12 hanger (d'oh) and a nighty which would mean me lobbing off one of my tits and splitting the remainding one in half. (nice). Seems I am not medium.
I bought some lovely dresses. Im gonna look like a 50s film star on holiday make no mistake.
It was a bit like a cartoon in Manchester yesterday. They were giving out the evening news free with the headine HOTTEST DAY EVER and everyone was carrying one under their arm with the headline showing. Ha ha, it reminded me of the Simpsons.

4 more days of work to go. Im sooo excited. Did you know if you get squirted by a skunk then you have to take a bath in tomato juice to get rid of the pong? Im afraid this might put me off bloody marys if I get doused.
Have chosen my duty free purchases already...one of those fuck off sized bottles of Galliano. Surely they will have the accompanying Vodka and orange juice in Cabri. FYI, my Mom reckons only about 400 people live in Cabri now, that means that probably more people live on my street than in the whole town where I am going. Its going to be soooo good!

ERGH

I've got a muvva fluffin abscess, inside my mouth between my tongue and back tooth. Last night it was MASSIVE, then I had my regular veggie kebab(yes I know!) with chilli and chips with sweet corn and I it burst. Chilli sauce tastes so bad with a burst abscess, come to think of it everything tastes bad.

Its like I've been licking batteries.

I was going to attempt to get in to the dentist this morning but as it doesnt look anywhere near as impressive as it did last night I left it. I like to think it will just cure itself. If its still bad by Monday then I'll go, promise.
I dont need this bad boy on holiday...talking of which its a week tomorrow I start the journey.

So excited.

Im told they are having Tshirts made!!!

LIKE LOSING AN ARM

On Tuesday night I wrote an absolutley hilarious entry, only blogger was down for whatever reason so I saved it. Since then my computer has been utter shit and I lost the post.

I wont even bother trying to rewrite it, basically it was about me being delivered a gypsie curse off soap dodger roger on Tuesday night whilst innocently ironing the bedsheets that the beagle had pissed on a day earlier.

Better news however is they swapped my ipod for a black 60gb video one, all brand new. So Im off to walk the hounds with it on now, think I'll start with a bit of "dirt off your shoulder"- you know cos I is bad ass.

ITS A CONSTANT BATTLE

This is what my life is like. One fucking act of destruction after another.

I clean the flat, turn around and the beagle will have either....
1. chewed something.
2.pissed on something.
3. tore up something.
4. unearthed it and got it all over the floor.

ARgh... Now I have never had children but surely this must be like having a toddler with a crayon in its hand and writing all ovwer the walls...ONLY EVERY BLOODY DAY.

He does not learn.

Now, I realise (or so I was told) that there is no such thing as a bad dog, just bad dog owners. But I really dont think you can lay this on me anymore. He pissed all over the bedsheets I had taken out of the drier and left momentarily on the floor last night. I just cried. Cried, cried, cried and cried
Today I washed, washed, washed and washed. Hired a carpet cleaner and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned and cleaned. Im at my wits end.

To cheer myself up I bought myself a new bottle of Lolita Lempicka (100ML!). (Dont anyone get any ideas, its my perfume. No one else is allowed to wear it. I claimed it years ago). I did smell someone else wearing it once but that was in London so I congratulated her on excellent taste and let her off!

Anyway, where was I. Oh yes, Jeremy the shithouse....

Did I show you his handywork??

They were the genuine article.
Proper Johnnie Boy Preston styleee.

Gone.
Ruined.
Bastardo.

So, when Im in Canada Im gonna treat myself to a brand new pair.
Hell, I might even get spurs. Like to see the little "C U Next Tuesday" eat them!!!

NO, I AM NOT TRIPPING MY TITS OFF

Have you ever walked into yourself? I did before when I was walking the hounds. It was freaky.
It was me and John Whitehead that I walked into, under the Silk Road flyover at the bottom of the steps where Katy and Tyler live. We were 18. (well I was 18,John was 16).

He had a New Model Army Tshirt, blonde hair and a goatee (he was an old looking 16 year old).
I was shorter than I was then, had glasses on (this bit was different) but I had my black and purple hair, short skirt and doc martins.

I remember walking down there looking like that 13 years ago. It was like deja vu but from someone elses eyes.

Guess this is me getting old and life going full circle. To think I thought I was so bloody cool and alternative (man). Little did I know everyone dresses the same somewhere along the line.

No, I have not been at the mushrooms I found when I stayed at Wildboarclough. Nor have I been on the special brew. Bollocks I cant explain it, well it makes sense to me anyway.

BLAH BLAH BLAH...

God damn it, my ipod has broke again.

I have found the receipt and I have 7 days until its 1 year is up. Fingers crossed I can swap it for a 6oGB video one (this time last year I swapped my 40 for a 60 when it broke.) Is it just me or do they always conk out at the 12 month mark? This is my 3rd to do so.

Talking of things breaking, or me breaking things I think I have knackered my teeth a little.

Its my own fault.

Last year I was bored in Boots with too much money so I bought a tooth whitening kit. I didnt need it, my teeth were white. I dont drink tea or coffee, gave up the tabs 4 years ago and red wine makes me unstable in a bad way so I steer clear of it. Regardless of this I tried it, noticed no difference so threw it out. Today though I noticed my teeth have gone off white. This can only be down to using the kit I didnt need. Hence today I have had to buy a whitening stick thing.

Do you know what else is like that? Echinacea. I have some on the shelf in the kitchen. Sometimes I come over all 'trying to be healthy'. So, I take a little thinking how it will make me all super powerful against any cold viruses knocking about. Guarenteed I get a stinking cold 2 days after. Vitamins are exactly the same,I know I need vitamin B12,but if I start taking them then I get all ill.

I know all this but do it year after year believing that it was just a coincidence last time. But I have a ridiculous need to buy things that I think are going to make me better. I think the only way I will actually feel better is if I kick my pathetically embarrassing Tesco diet Kick habit. I honestly cant stay awake through the day with out it. I'll have to take some caffine strips on holiday with me then do turkey on the Kick when I gt back. Im telling you, its in me bones!

STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON....

Seems 38 guns have been stolen out of the back of a van on London Road in Macclesfield. The fact that these are low velocity rifles used for pest control does little to put me at ease.

TJ'S

You could not live closer to TJ HUGHES than I do.
This is a fact. Its right across the road.
Regardless of this I dont really go in, I get a little put off by all the old folk sitting outside it on the garden furniture.

Im trying not to have my little afternoon sleep so I went over to have a poke around.

I fucking love T J HUGHES. I had forgotten how good it can be. I bought a whole load of BeneFit bathina stuff, Max Factor Lipfinitys - only £2, and a whole load of other decent make up for like £1 each. Knickers nicer and cheaper than the staple ones from primark and a lovely pair of silver pumps. Think I might rip up my Boots advantage card!

OBSCENE AND PORNOGRAPHIC ART??

Tha lady at the Post Office gave me some leaflets as I was making a hash of guessing how much the postage would be on the ebay items I was selling.

I had a giggle at the 2nd down from the top in the middle.....But surely isnt this the same as 5th down from the top in the middle only being described by Margo from the Good Life?

THERE IS NO POINT

After I finished work last night I was flicking through the channels and Reservoir Dogs was on.
I've only seen it once (in the Duke of York in Brighton when you were allowed to smoke in there).
Now, I aint no big film person but it was definatley different.
Im guessing they had cut all ther violence out which means that it really didnt make much sense. Either that or I fell asleep and missed the whole ear cutting off bit.

Whilst moaning about telly, why was Cash Cab not on today? I love Cash Cab.

I decided yesterday that for the next 3 weeks until my holiday I was going to refrain from cake, chocolates and sweets. However my brother is a feeder and has left mint cornettos in the freezer. Ive had one already, there is one left. I reckon I'll neck it then all temptation is gone for the future 20 days.

Oh my god, how boring am I? This really is the only thing I have to say!

I wont mention my feelings on the football result from the weekend incase I get lynched.
I worked Thursday,Friday, Saturday and Sunday night...I didnt do anything exciting at all. My life is grim.....Roll on the Holiday.....3 weeks today.

DING DONG THE WICKED FISH IS DEAD

Normality can finally been restored to the tank as the fish I won at Langley Fete 2 years ago has finally died.

I won it on the cocnut shy, I didnt think it through and took it home. Now, I was just going to put it in a bowl upstairs but I was told that you CAN put goldfish in with tropical fish. Only, if you do then they can never go back to cold water. They can never go back (sinister tone)

Well, at first it was a joy, it got on with all the other fish and looked happy. Then it grew 3 times its size almost over night and turned into a Hannibal Lecter. I thought the tank was looking a bit sparse so I trotted off to Pet City and bought 14 neon tetras. The bastard ate them all in 24 hours. He also munched his way through 6 guppies, 3 of those minging goldfish with the big eyes and I think he ate my plec.
Needless to say I learnt and stopped putting new fish in , so the tank has been a bit shit with just a big bastard goldfish, a boring silver shark (so boring I never even named it), Ian Beale the eel (who spends all his time under the gravel) and a talking cat fish that plays dead all day.

I got a customer to scoop it out for me yeaterday early doors (I couldnt find the net and am extremely gay when it comes to touching dead fish). Shortly afterwards a man came up to me....

"I hear the goldfish is dead"
(Im worried that he is going to accuse me of murder)
"can I see it?"
I explain how I flushed it down the toilet
"Its just I wanted to make sure it was dead, I hated that bastard".

Seems he gave everyone the evil eye whilst they were peeing (the fish tank is in the gents-well, t'wixt gents and pool room).

So, come Sunday I'm going to buy a whole load of new fish. Nice ones that dont kill and maybe dont watch cock so much.

KUNTZ

So, dawg, the word on the streets is that some guy got run over (well, hit by a car) whilst standing outside the Ivy House drinking in the street celebrating the football or whatever.
There was bloodshed in the Park Tavern and all hell broke loose round town with people throwing bottles and glasses.

Here, in my beautiful pub there was less action. I was in a foul mood and was my usual condescending piss taking self, being a miserable bitch to everyone.

FACT:
Macclesfield does not deserve Stella.

Some young lad stumbles in and gets all "10 men" with people walking past him. (Tis a bit of a squeeze at times in the POW). I point out the correct way to act when in a pub (as he ovbiously doesnt go out in them often). He calls me "darlin' ", "love" and "sweets" - which makes me cringe, I hate it when 18/19 years olds talk like old men. So I keep an eye on him and his mates.

FACT:
I dont like people in pubs blowing whistles.

I tell the man (hes over 40) to lay off the whistle. I then find him later arguing with the young lads from above. After I sort that load of hot air out,the man gives me the old "can I ask you, why do you show football if you dont want people to blow whistles, sing and have a good time" line.
I hate this line. I didnt realise that watching football meant that you didnt give a shit about the other people around you and have to act like a knob.(incidentally, the match finished over 3 hours ago) So I cry like a baby for him and say "Boo Hoo, Cath3rine wont let me blow my whistle, its not fair." His mates all laugh. I win.

Needless to say, Im not excited about next Saturday.

TRICK TRICK TRICKERY

Confusion raining down from up high

And all the time you ask yourself 'why?'



Ok, someones taking the piss.

Im selling 4 old coins on ebay. Now, I really doubt they
are worth anything.
They are just old pennies and half pennies.

Why then has someone I dont know offered me £500 for them.
There are 2 days to go and they are only at £3.99 or
something like that.
I have looked at other items he/she has bought and sold
and they are not a coin collector and they doesnt usually
spend such a massive amount.
I cant think of why anybody would want to treat me to my
airfare (cos £500 is exactly what I need).
 Needless to say I am not taking this seriously.

On another thread...
has anyone bought one of those JML invisible bras?
Im sure they cant work but Im still tempted to buy.
Are they a waste of money?

UN BER FUCKING BELIEVABLE

I dont believe it. I really dont believe it.

Now I am a laid back person, very laid back. Not much winds me up, so when I react to something I seem to think Im over reacting. But please tell me if I am wrong....

I just went over to Tescos to get some dinner. I open the door, go downstairs into the pub and there is a shopping trolley, with shopping in it in the pub. In the pub. I ask what its doing there and Im told that these 2 people sat down having a drink brought it in. They are sat down having a drink with there shopping in it in the pub. Please, I ask you...is this normal? I stormed off to Tescos wondering if I was wrong or right. As Im in the queue I decide I am definatley right and storm back into the pub and ask them why they have brought and asked them if they thought they were right bringing it in. I told them to take it outside straight away. I have now instructed staff that if such a thing happens again then we do not let shopping trolleys in the pub. I remember saying a beauty of a line..."its not the Bollin, its a pub." Idiots

ITS PROBABLY A GOOD JOB IM NOT A PARENT

Cos if I was Gail Platt I'd kick David Platt in the face until it bled and he died.
Then, after he was dead I would stamp on his corpse til it was mush and throw it in the bath tub.
Then i would go to Tescos and buy enough coke to fill the tub and leave it until it disloved his body.
(have you seen the experiment when they leave a tooth in a glass of coke? It soon disolves- so Im assuming skin and bone would be no problem).
It is safe to say I hate David Platt.
And through this hatred it is just possible I have come up with the perfect crime.Genius.

I HAVE HAD THE BEST LIGHTERS PRINTED

This is a fact.

I will post a picture when I can peel myself of the settee and scan one.

ALL IM MISSING IS A ROAD CONE IN MY FRONT ROOM

Ergh, university flashbacks.
Im rough as fook, been on the vodka. The fucking beagle ate my powdered mash potato so I couldn't have the miracle cure when I woke at 5am. Had to settle with a chilli sauce sandwich.
I got my brother to mix me up an alka seltzer. The weirdo did it in a coffee mug, stirred it with a knife and put ice cubes in it. Mother fucking ice cubes in alka seltzer, what is that about? We have a pub full of glasses and Im drinking alka seltzer on the rocks out of a mug with a knife. surprised I didnt get it in a saucepan.

My hair had all dredlocked together. Im not impressed.

I have slight Millstone and Preachers flashbacks. Dont think I stayed at either for long. Felt very N.E.R.D in the morning "Woke up I had the same clothes on I had on last night, damn,I must have passed out."Now I must eat but I cant stomach anything.

There were 2 little bastards blowing an airhorn outside for about an hour before, I was about to tip water over them until they did one. Now I've just got 'der-der-derderder-der-der-der-der-DER DER' in my head.

SUPA(SHIT)EUS

Not doing well at all, Im putting money on my next horse being shot as Im obviously cursed.
Looks like I'll have to work for a living after all.

BUGGER

8th in the Gold Cup.

Its not looking to good, but its exciting to watch.
Whats next...(she checks her betting slip)..Supaseus in the 4.25.

COME ON SUPASEUS, - Momma needs a new pair of shoes.

ERM...

Second horse not so good. We came 7th.

On a better note.... the rep from Vladivar just came in. Told me if I bought 6 x 1.5l Vladivar he will give me 1.5l for free. I said I would next week and the trusting gent gave me the vodka then and there. Ha ha ha ha,dont think I'll be ordering that then...well, I might forget to. Suckers!

GET IN

The first of our horses won.....Yeah......

CROSS YOUR FINGERS AND TOES....

Okay, here goes my betting today. My brother has been studying hard and I'm going to dabble a little. Makes the day pass quicker anyway.

I'm gambling £15 all together. Not sure how it works exactly but I need 3 of them to win (cant remember which 3) and the others to be placed. If they all win I get to do what ever I want. Im guessing that it will not happen.

My Horses .....

3.50 Tungsten Strike
and the ones listed below....

KIM AND AGGIE STAY AWAY

Everybody knows Jeremy loves mashed potatoe...

The little shithouse broke into my kitchen cupboard and opened my Tesco value mash and got it all over the floor, all over the flat. Tesco value mash (33p) gets into carpets more than the boulderous smash as it is powdered like wallpaper paste.
It rocks with hangovers though. I like to think that when you wake up early, still trunted from the night before, if you spoon feed yourself some powdered mash it goes in your stomach, absorbs the bile and cleans the uglyness out of you (that for me usually appears at about 7 pm).

The giant has gone to Ascot for the day. These are Lindszoid's tips.....

2.35 Dutch Art
3.10 Suzy Bliss
4.25 Supaseus
4.55 Deepwater Bay
5.30 Shersha

I'll keep one eye on the racing and lets see how he does.

NUMBER ONE GIRLFRIEND

That is me.

Paul waited until I had finished work until he opened his present. Managed to get everyone out by 11.45pm (appologies for not letting anyone stay, but I had a phone date).

His sister gave me a running commentary whilst he opened his presents, they were well received! He sounded like a kid at christmas, I just wish I was there to see.

Hes trying to get up here for the weekend. I dont hold up much hope. Even if he does Im probably going to have to work for most of it. Fucking football ruining my life.

PRIMARK v PEACOCKS.......

No contest.

Peacocks was ok, slightly dearer that the mighty mark of pri and some of the stuff I did like but there was some shit. Like Bon Marche shit.

I purchased a beautiful pair of £10 red espadrills (that I have seen everyone wearing). Im glad they are back (they are arent they?).
Last pair I had was when I was 7, they werent as high and I wore them with everything. I remember wearing them in Lisa Halls backgarden drinking cold lemon lift tea with thigh high brown socks dancing to Bucks Fizz. Egad!

I also fuelled my love of the red and white gingham by getting a halterneck in said material. Some hair bands, beads and an army dress. Not as nice as the Primark one but they did have it in a 14!

The bus to congleton was a dream, left at 2.15 got back at for 4.

The pub was dead at night...s'pose they are are saving themselves for tonight, which reminds me, I better go and buy some hotdogs......

laters x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY GIANT MAN

Its Pauls birthday today. I have excelled myself with the present and have got him the Craig David mask and all that. Its proper bo.

Hes still in London and I cant get out of work (bloody football) so I posted it down. I wrapped everything in order for him to open...

1. A tasteless beanie (he wont have a clue and think I have really bad taste)
2. The glasses (Im guessing he'll know whats coming...).
3. The head phones (but he still has to open the other 2 so he'll be pretty excited)
4. The mask.
5. Kes. (I had to drill two holes in his ass to fit a wristband through so he can wear it.)

I rang him this morning at 6 and he was already on his way to work. He's opening it tonight when he gets back from the gym. I know hes going to love it.

I HAVEN'T ADDED ANY PICTURES FOR AGES

Just some random shots from my back yard.
Heres my MASSIVE Veuve Clicquot parasol with the mosaic houses I made that I am now getting tired of.














And the stained glass window Sams mum made for me. I really want to learn how to make stained glass stuff...its my next task.
Then just a shot of some of my hanging basket things. (the other mosaic is one I did at the front door, only I cant seem to turn it the right way without loading them all again....and quite frankly that took to long to do in the first place.)

CATH3RINE LUTHER KING JR.

I had a dream.....Last night I dreamt I went to Peacocks and it was shit, just full of OAP farmer jackets.
This morning I open the Sun to find a Primark v Peacocks special.
Think I might take myself off to Peacocks today to have a look. I still love Primark but then unless they've moved it Peacocks is alot closer.

PROMISE THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL DIRECT YOU TO EBAY

I think I need to try harder with my descriptions. Im rubbish at sales! FOR EXAMPLE

GO ON......

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO

DONT WATCH THAT, WATCH THIS...

Last time I blogg about how many watchers I have on ebay. 5 of them are no longer watching my Pixies live LP.
This doesnt help my state of mind people, I am desperatley broke and need the cash.
Optimism is fading....

WORST NMA LYRIC...APPOLOGIES MR SULLIVAN

I've just been doing the cleaning when an old NMA song came on. Now I loved the Army. I followed them all over Europe a few times, had the paracloggs, dreadlocks and everything.
And, Justin - if you are reading this then Im sorry but WTF sad ass lyric this one really was....

"Beethoven he was a deaf man,
Jesus Christ was a Jew.
But of all these little twists of irony,
My favourite one is you."

It makes me cringe Justin, it just makes me cringe.

GOMEZ

Yeah...its tonight.

Unfortunatley I miss my ebay items coming to their end. Im quite excited. I have put my Pixies (yes, I know its like selling your children but I dont own a record player) "Long Live The Surf Guitar" live album on and it has 9 people watching it. I have high hopes. There is a rarer Pixies promo on too but the interest in that is not so good. Im also kissing goodbye to some Dead Kennedys and Sonic Youth, it makes me sad! They should have a pawn shop for records cos I know I'll want em back one day.

ITS A JOY TO BE AT WORK

I am currently lying on the roof in the baking heat doing my paperwork and tinternetting. I cant see fuck all but it beats being inside.

Working myself into a preholiday frenzy. I love my cowboy family. Two of my cousins are proffesional rodeo riders and I think we're going to watch them do their stuff. Paul is quite excited about driving trucks and wearing cowboy hats and running from grizzly bears.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah.

WTF?

Is anyone else watching that weird orange Marcus Tandy looking wanker on Britains Biggest Spenders?
Its putting me off money of all things, and just as Ive put 30 odd bits of crap on ebay.
My laptop is now burning my legs I've been at it that long.

BOOKED IT, PACKED IT, FUCKED OFF.....

Well, am fucking off....

Im gonna be a cowgirl.

Im off to the family reunion in Canada with my Mum and my cockney geeezer. Got the flights pretty cheap considering the time we are going. 24 July - 7 August.....just got to pay for it now.
Ebay here I come.....

SO EXCITED

Gomez.....at The Ritz......a Week on Tuesday....
could I be anymore excited?

Although I was a sad regular at the Ritz back in the day (on a Monday and a Wednesday)I have never seen anyone play there.

I have lied on numerous occassions about me going to see Rage Against The Machine there - the night that guy died from falling off the balcony, but quite frankly that is another lie of mine.

I also never went to Spike Island, have not canoed down the canal,have never shoplifted,...there are so many lies, I cant begin to remember them all....

Once was when I was walking home from school with Sarah Jane in the 2nd year. She asked me if I had started my periods yet....I said no - because I hadnt. She told me she had and then kept talking about them all the time with the so called "cool" people at school.
So the next week I told her I lied and had started them, infact I had started before she had, I just didnt want to tell her cos I was 'embarrassed'. I had to keep up that one for a bloody year.I mean a fucking year. Ha ha, bloody year....this thing just writes itself!


From Gomez to periods......class Cath3rine, pure class!

ARSE ANTLERS

arse antlers n. That Celtic tattoo that dodgy birds seem to think is a classy thing to have growing out of the top of their bum crack.

THANK YOU NOEL

They've just picked Stevie on Deal or no Deal.....Im so excited.
I just know shes got 250,000 in her box.
I hate this programme, I cant stop watching it.

DEAR COMPUTER GEEKS.....

Right, Im a bit shit on the old computers....

On my PC I use iMesh Lite to download free mp3 shite. I have just gone to put it on my Mac laptop and its giving me loads of "you need a bluetooth something or other" bollocks.

So, Question.....Whats the best application thing to use to download choons with out filling my computer up with all the crap that I got last time I used KaaZaa

MEGA HITS

Have you seen the amount of hits the Laura VanRyn blog has got? Dont get me wrong...I think its awful and Im impressed and amazed by her families incredible strength of faith, but OMG, it just goes to show what a little publicity can do.

I need to do something to make the pub buisier....its dropping off a little at the moment. I need to put my media whore head on and come up with something fantastic...cant be that hard.

FAMOUS PEOPLE SPOTTING IN LONDON

Did very poorly. Only saw Louie Threuough (not even going to appologise for the spelling) walking over the bridge by Kings Cross. But then as I spent most of the time in bed Im not surprised I only saw the one.

BENDER

Sorry for the absence but I went on a bit of a bender. Only I've been more ill than drunk, god, I used to be so good at drinking and all....now, quite frankly I am shit.

Started power drinking vodka on Sunday until I eventually turned into the worlds most annoying person by singing Elton Johns "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" continually. Seems after agreeing to go to Chicago I pulled my usual move by leaving the minute I got in.

Had to do the bloody cleaning on Monday then decided to fuck the bank holiday working malarchy off and got Liz to work for me and went to London.

Now, I can only put it down to me topping up the drink cos I was soon hammered. Paul picked me up at Euston and we stayed in Camden on the booze. I think it was the wine at his sisters house that might have sent me over the edge. I should have come home on Tuesday but I couldnt face the train ride so I got the bus into town whilst Paul was working had some noodles then got that feeling of too much saliva in my mouth....I was going to be sick.

I was planning on going to see the Bodies exhibition at Earls Court, but I thought seeing lots of dead bodies may not be the best thing for someone in my delicate state so sadly I got on the bus and went back to bed.

Paul finished work abour 7 and we went for some food, unfortunatley I was still grim and embarrassingly couldnt eat so we had an early night.

Got back to Macc yesterday and had to work all day. Bleurggh...Still, Im feeling fine now. 2 day hangovers do not rule.

MY FIRST ENTRY ON THE SETTEE

Oo-er missus.

Well, after much persistence from the mighty John Lewis I am now in a Wi-Fi zone. This means I can blog off my ibook whilst sitting on the settee watching neighbours.

Living dream? Indeed I am....only the ultra gay Benson keeps resting his head on the keypad. Benson you are not helping.

So, the weekend......
Im trying to convince Paul to drive up here.I was going to try to make it down there but with there being only one train from Macclesfield to London on Sunday I dont think so.
I think I may have suceeded anyway...fingers crossed.Hes ringing me later.

(is that Shonen Knife in the backgroung of the BBC springwatch tv thing?....I loved Shonen knife. U-U-U-Ultra excentric, super cult pop punk band, Shonen Knife. I used to be all sad and groupie like and write to the bassist. She sent me pictures she took of them when they toured with Nirvana before they were big. I think I left them in Brighton. Shame, there were some good ones of Kurt. Could have ebayed them bad boys.)

BANK HOLIDAY SUNDAY TRAINS

SHITE.

say no more.

THE MORNING WAS GOING WELL UNTIL THE POSTMAN CAME

I am nearing my wits end.

Mr Nat West, how do you sleep at night? In a big fuck off bed stuffed full of all my hard earned cash whilst getting a hand job from Mr Citizens advice Bureau no doubt.

May you rot in hell.

HEROIN CHIC

I now have a puncture wound from giving blood yesterday.
I dont "dig" it at all. 

I'M PUNK AS FLUFF

After years of me living with my parents and subjecting them to all the shite I used to listen to, why is it now that at 31 when my Dad comes around to my house and catches me in the office listening to the Dead Kennedys "Too drunk to fuck" I feel like I have to turn it off?

He had to listen to it at full blast all throughout my teenage years so god only knows why Im acting all vanilla on him now.

IMMORTALISED ON THE BACK OF THE PUB TOILET DOOR

No, I havent been....but would you like to be?

I've just been cleaning the toilets when it came to me....I'll sick 30 of Ikeas finest cheapest picture frames on the back of each toilet door (landscape fashion) and anyone who fancies can put what ever they like in one.

So, if you have something you would like to share with the toilet using half of Macc thats no more than 13cm x 8cm, be it a photo, poem, picture or anything, be as creative as you like and show it in what must be the bestest pub in Macclesfield. You can email it to me @ portersprince@aol.com, put your name to it or be annonymous - it doesnt matter. It'll look well cool.

ANOTHER FRUITFUL NIGHT BEHIND THE BAR

During one of the quieter periods of the night I tried to persuade Dave Hall that "Lola" by The Kinks is actually a song about a man who loves his truck which is a "low loader, low-low-low-low loader".

After 20 pints of Guinness he really will believe anything.

Dave Hall on the phone to Paul Gambaccini at Guinness book of hit singles

a low loader yesterday

In other news....

Caught whistle player Darren minesweeping. Told him if I caught him again I would bar him. He then handed over his stash of "recovered pints". I felt slighty evil and bad - 'cos come on we've all done it, (as Phil Carr's mate said when talking to his mates about shoving his wifes vibrator up his arse).

"he has some whiskey dreggs, he has some vodka dreggs,

he has some lager dreggs, he has some cider dreggs...."

Other than that it was pretty standard.

FANFARE PLEASE.....

CONGRATULATIONS to Bob and Cath and hello to baby Nathan Kvederas. (Still think they should have gone with my choice of name - Kevin Kvederas).

After 6 hours of labour (that the nursing staff said she was not experiencing) Cath gave birth at 00:14 this morning without the aid of pain relief to a beautiful boy of 8.09. All are well and I dare say tonight really will be a "champagne friday"

BID,BID,BID...

I have put a Veuve Clicquot decanter on ebay and its not moving. Some man in the pub offered me £40 for it a few weeks ago. I think I can get £80, only its stuck at £5.
Im sure it will get a late surge in bids as its being watched by a few people.

But I must admit I'm beginning to panic. £5???....Im ready for the question now Noel.....NO DEAL. 4 days to go.

MY PLEDGE

I have decided......

I am not getting involved with Big Brother this year.

Im not going to watch any of it.

Im gonna get E4 taken off my sky box.

My life is just passing me by.


I am aware this makes me very uncool, but then Im not cool, so it makes no odds.

R.I.P

I think the rubber duck has had it. 

VILLAGE BEAGLE

Since Jeremy has taken to sporting a rather jaunty bandana round his neck Benson has become increasingly gay.














The beagle does have a certain David Essex look about him. From when he was in that shite programme when he lived on a canal barge...not when he was all "Silver Dream Machine."

David Essex was one of them everyone fancied (well, everyones Mums did).I didnt get it.

I get the whole fancing David Essex thing now.

I also get the fancying Burt Reynolds thing (a la Cannonball and Smokey and the Bandit)

But on the subject of fancying men made of leather I still do not get the
Lovejoy thing and he was the housewives favourite
(not soccer am lovejoy but the antique dealing Lovejoy of the 8o's, the one that looked like a sofa) 

EGG.CUNTS

Last week I thought the people at egg.com were the nicest people in the world. Today I do not.

I hope thay did record my phone call for training purposes cos then they could listen how not to talk to a crying girl desperate for help and understanding.

I feel like getting hammered

ANNIE, YOU'RE A STAR

Thats what The Killers should have been singing anyway.

Thankyou Annie my most organised mate for tonight. Its not looking bleak at all anymore. Although I fear I have O.D'd on cheese.

I spoke to the girl who is having mither with my time ago ex. She just needed someone to talk to about it. All is good.

That man who came around and did the football pub guide sent me a copy of the review. Yarnold must have made an impression as did Stuart although I dont know if he'll be happy being called a "dim bloke".

Cant remember where I was when this was going on. Its rare I am out on a Saturday day.

Just heard from Paul, hes all excited about going to the final tomorrow in Paris. Im hoping we wont be too busy as we have a pool match on aswell tomorrow night. Je n'aim pas le pool match. C'est annoying.

Its MKB birthday today. I have found a Bristol rugby shirt that he can have, that'll make him flash his gums no doubt.

In other news in my dull life....

Thought I'd put more crap on ebay. Its 5p listing day. Cos I am trying to be good I have cancelled all my credit cards. Fooking ebay wont let me pay on switch so thats down the pan. I have found the perfect gift for Pauls birthday you see (a day before Annies) so need to raise the cash.

I also need to rasie money for my canada ticket, Im gonna have to carboot.

I THINK I HAVE AGREED TO SOMETHING I SHOULDNT HAVE

I have just had a phonecall from the licensing officer. I suppose his job is by the by really, but thats how I know him.

Seems an ex boyfriend of mine (from over a few years ago I may add) has been going out with his daughter. They have broke up and hes become proper mental smashing her car up and threatening her.Yes, the police have even been involved.

Now I havent really spoke to him for ages, since I changed my number and advised him to seek proffessional help. Anyway, he (the policeman Dad) has asked me if its ok if his daughter (I have never met, but I know her sister) rings me for a chat. I dont want to get involved but she must be pretty bad to be looking to me for help. I have agreed, although I made it clear Im not happy about talking behind and I dont want him to find out.

I thought something must be up as he has made an appearance or three in the pub over the last 2 weeks. I have acknowledged but basically ignored him.

I dont think its fair that Im being dragged in to it after managing to escape all the shit that came after we broke up, but she must be desperate. I was lucky enough to have great mates around me...as well as being hard as nails (ha ha ha). She might not be as lucky. I should have said no shouldnt I?

Bollocks.

(incase you were wondering hes proper computer illterate so he'll never be reading this!)

MONDAY

You know what?
Im feeling really really really happy and really really really sad, all at the same time.Im not sure which one is winning.
Who was it that said something like "I dont drink because I want to remember when I am having a good time?".
Im a bit like that cos I had a great weekend, I just wish I could remember all of it.

Paul came up on Friday. Unfortnatley his stay was cut a little short and he had to leave earlier than expected on Sunday. I had the bestest time, hes perfect. Well, apart from living hundreds of miles away. Some people dont realise how lucky they are seeing each other all the time. I think thats what makes me sad the most.

In other news....
O2 cut my phone off.Why did they not just try and reclaim the direct debit a few days after like everyone else does? I feel like not re connecting because they are so rude. But I think thats a little too much cutting/nose/face.

Tomorrow is the day anyway......It'll all feel better after Tuesday.

MY LIFE....MORE HITCHCOCK THAN BOB MARLEY

I did not

"Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)"

No, my three little birds on my doorstep were infact two little birds, dead in my window box. Blackbirds I think.

My first thought (as they had obviously not fallen from a nest or tree across the road) was that some drunk had found them and thrown them there. Now, dont think thats weird...its happened with trainers before.
What is weirder is that when I brought my dead bird situation up to the guys at the bar I was nearly convinced to ring environmental health as apparentley you should report any suss bird deaths incase its the flu or saars or something. Now , I knew it wasnt bird flu but I just saw visions of me chatting to Gordon Burns off News Northwest and snaps of me appearing in the Sun (instead of that poxy 'sun spot' box I was in before). I thought this was my next 15 minutes of fame.I was going to make the call.

Thankfully I asked Keith Ball (bird man of macc) to take a shifty. Told me I was daft, many young birds dont make their first flight, blah blah blah. So I double bagged their corpses and tossed them in the Biffa.

Shame, when I first saw them I was on the phone to Paul (who's arrival is imminent). I came over all Mary Poppins with my "spoon full of sugar". Well, til I realised they were dead. 

THE BEAGLE JUST WOLFED DOWN 6 INCHES

Of my subway that is.
The little twat.

VIRGIN LOVES ME, VIRGIN LOVES ME NOT.....

Not that I have been thinking about it,but it has recently been brought to my attention that when I text I use lots of ........ I dont add any kisses. Well, I do to the boy but I seem to miss them off of texts to mates.

Im only bringing this up cos Ive just noticed that Richard Branson or Tracy the Train Manager added a kiss after my £118.00 on the train ticket down below.

Piss taking wankers x

I CANT BE THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES THIS SURELY....

Its Tabley point to point on Sunday. I was getting really excited as I thought it would be lovely. I could wear my new red summer dress and hideously large sunglasses I got free with some wank magazine (no, not a porno - I meant a shit magazine...called "Happy" I think).

So, I thought I would just check the weatheron Yahoo. Its gonna piss it down....so I checked it on the BBC site, you know incase Yahoo had got it wrong.

If however it was glorious sunshine forcasted for sunday I doubt I would double check....Oh Cath3rine, ever the optimist. Im still hopeful that they are all wrong as on the AOL weather page it has a big black cloud with rain coming out of it for today.....and as we can all see, that is very wrong.

HERE YE, HERE YE...

After being criticised for keeping secrets last week by the Yarnold, I thought I better let it known that Paul is coming up for the weekend on Friday.Yay.

I still dont like to get too excited as we dont have the best of luck at meeting up....but I cant wait. I think I have got out of most of my shifts so fingers crossed should be a great weekend.

CRAP

Forgot I have that appointment with the CAB and I havent done any of the gay diary of how much I spend a week.
What do normal people spend a week on food and all that?

WHY DIDNT I JUST GET OFF AT STOKE???

Somedays I have all the luck....most days I dont.

On Tuesday, after running around like a nutbag getting everything sorted in the pub, I went to meet Paul.

(Macc to Stevenage return is £64.50.
Some singles are £13.50 at certain prebooked times.)

Now, I had planned it, I looked at the traintimes and prices and as I didnt want to commit to a certain time (Im always running late). So I figured Id treat myself, be flexible and buy the standard saver return. After all, I hadnt seen Paul for ages and didnt want to worry about times and all that.Didnt see the point of preordering it so thought Id buy at the station.

Could point the blame but really its my fault I was running late. Nearly completed the ticket buying at the fast ticket machine (the queues at the counter were immense) only I messed up typing my PIN, accidentally rejected my card as the train pulled in to platform 2. Legged it like a twat to get the train and thoungt I'd buy my ticket there.

Dont ever, EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER buy your ticket on the train. I know you used to be able to, and granted I rarely get trains so it may have been like this for a while now. £118.00 for a bastard single. I was too in shock to say no or even refuse and get off at Stoke. Mug me paid Tracy the heartless train manager her bleeding ridiculous fare (which is nothing more than a tax on the person always running 5 minutes late...ie, me) then sat in tears for about 20 minutes.

Consoled myself with plugging in to my shuffle. Worked out I had picked up my brothers by mistake as I heard Hank Williams Jr belting out "Why dont we get drunk and screw?" from the headphones. I had to laugh, so I cheered up......

Anyway, blah de blah blah blah ended up in Stevenage and met Paul who although thought I was a mug for paying it and I should have refused ( I just dont have that cheeky cockneyness in me) gave me half the money.
Had a few pints and a ruby then had his cheeky cockneyness in me!
Ha ha ha ha, sorry, thats very carry on but I couldn't resist. Things on that front are amazing. Im proper happy I tell thee. I just wish he didnt live so far away. Its rumoured he soon may be working at Stockport at Stepping Hill in the future. Maybe he can keep a look out for Roy Holeinthehead.

IM ON IT...

Sorry Annie and everyone, I am blog it up soon....Im working on it.....

LOST FOR A TITLE......

I was innocently walking over with the Diageo rep to his car to get my fill of beer mats and shit from his boot when my eyes were assaulted by what I found parked next to his car.












More like "manky" if you dont mind me saying so Minxy.
WTF?

I dare say if Jenna Hall ever saw she would be flicking her bean all over the Bagpuss abortion job of the upholstery.