WHEN CHURCHES ACT STRANGE

It makes no sense.

This is the church down the road from me. I can see the clock on it from my bed out of the window if I have my contact lenses in.

As far as I know it isn't open for worship but they still ring the bells. A group of the bell ringers come in here on Monday nights after they have been practising ringing. What I dont get is that the bells sometimes ring at some stupid time in the morning, 3 am sometimes.It doesn't bother me, but why? I can't see the old guys going there then. If they are in tonight I'm going to ask them.

Thats if they do ring and I'm not imagining it.
Im not the only one who hears them am I?

WHEN PICTURES FINALLY GET PUT ON THE BLOG

Nina found a stolen car on the car park. It wasn't locked and the handbrake wasn't on. All the wires were hanging out. I did manage to stop her from breaking in the glove compartment. We tried the boot but it was locked so we dont know if there was a body in it. I couldn't smell death so I think there was no body.



Claire went footballer spotting in Alderley Edge, she saw Ronaldo - who winked and Peter Schmichael walking his dog
Check out the giant grass steps leading to Yarnolds house.
The hair bands bits that we tried to get to be the perfect inch. Mine is the 3rd from the left.

Nina attempted to hotwire the stolen beemer, thankfully she didn't

WHEN WALKS LAST 4 HOURS

I thought I'd take advantage of the nice day and take the hound out. I thought I'd go along the Bollin Valley. The sign says that it went all the way to Wilmslow, so I thought I'd see if it really did.

Spot the beagle

It was around this point I turned back, the footpath just ended up at hole 13 at Mottram Hall golf course. I didnt know if you are allowed to walk dogs through the golf course, it was packed and I didn't want to get shouted at by Ronaldo, Rooney and all the other football players I have been lead to believe play there.Besides, my legs were getting stung quite frequentley at this point as the nettles were getting longer.
It was lovely though, it took about 4 hours. I came back through Prestbury and then back down into town along Chester Road.
I still cant believe people actually bought lambs believing they were poodles.It was in The Sun last week. They are cute though.

The beagle has this thing about rubbing his face on earthworms.

WHEN BOREDOM FINDS PORN

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WHEN MOUTHS TASTE LIKE SHIT

From now on all my titles for posts are going to sound like Jerry Springer/Ricki Lake/Dirty Jerermy Kyle shows.

My mouth does taste like shit. Im still trying to remember the latter half of last night but I can't.

What can I remember? Went to the Highwayman and had somebodies purple sprouting on brocolli on somebodies feliuliuliui;;;;lliii of pastry with someones fantastically cut baby leeks. It wa one of those pretentious menus.Personally I love pretentious menus, the one at the Highwayman is the best I have seen.

I drank cider. Came back to the pub and saw Ange - the one who has been slagging me off for some reason. I tried to talk to her about it. I asked her what exactly her problem was with me. She said she didnt have one, so I asked her why she kept telling people I was a bitch and the soooner I left the better. Her voice was a bit shakey and she made up some story about how I ignore her and keep her waiting at the bar blah blah blah. Im going to have fun with that one I can tell you.

Anyway, went to the Vale with Claire and met Kay and Yarnold, Again, drank cider and we broke some kids hair band up trying to make the perfect inch. I decided that I shouuld have my leaving do there, its really pretty. Got the bus into town. Saw Shell in here, shes got a black eye and loads of bruises, her boyfriend beat her up, so I was talking to her for a bit. (it starts to get hazy about now) I was on cheeky vimtos by now. Was talking to Tim that used to have the Kings Head. For some reason I went with him, some guy with a really hairy silver chest and Malc from the Blueberry to The Crown in Bollington then The Admiral Rodney. I drank bitter and cant remember anthing else. I pulled my usual "wheres my bag" when I didnt have it with me to begin with. The hairy chest man took me out the back of the Rodney and showed me where Charlie Stubbs from Corronation Street lived. I saw him watching tv but for some reason when I got back to here I told everyone I saw him in the pub -

WHEN DRUNKS LIE


Totally cant remember anything else. I feel well ill, think im going to chunder

I love gossip....

Word on the street is that half the pubs in Congleton closed last night cos Mark Earles had someone at gun point in one of them. I have heard that from two different people, thats all I know on that one.

WHEN LIFE IMITATES R KELLY

I must admit. I have been a bit down lately. Well, no.....not down, bloody miserable.

I realised this more on Wednesday night whilst having a pint with Crowther. I have figured out that I no longer know what makes me happy. I'm putting it down to me going through a massive life changing time over the next few months and I know it will only get worse before it gets better.

Well, a little something just happened that did bring a smile to my miserable bastard face.

So rare is it that I am quick witted enough to get out and say what I wish I had said later, but it just rolled off my tongue....

I had a phone message to ring someone called Guy that I dont know who is desperatley trying to get hold of my boss.

I rang...

Me : Hello, is Guy there?
Woman on phone : Is that you Cat? How are you?
Me : Yes,fine thanks sorry, I dont know who Im talking to..pause (I dont know them) Erm...
Julie : Its Julie
Me : Erm...
Julie : Im Guys partner.You know my daughter Tina.
Me : Sorry, cant place you. Tina? It sounds familiar, I'd probably know her if I see her

Apparentley she used to have the St Dunstan and knows Geoff the Chef (who I have not seen for time)



Well,yes, sadly that is it. Seems I still have the ability to find myself funny even if no bugger else does.So things are looking up, now if I could just figure out what makes me happy....

There are teams of four in flurocent yellow jackets on just about every road out of Macc town centre. I saw loads when I was out this morning.I think they are counting traffic, probably to do with the town centre developement. This made me think how its all going to change around here when I'm gone.

So, here is the view from my back door (I left out the car park). In 10 years time it will be obscured by a carpark, cinema,hotel,blah,blah,blah.

MORNING

Check Jeremy out, giving it "B-r-r-r-o-o-o-r-o-o-o-o-r-o-o-o-".


I did save this pic the other way around. Dont know why its gone sideways.
I walked the hounds along the canal this morning. It was lovely.
See, Im making more of an effort with the photos. I love the canal, my favourite bit is the dark, shady, quiet bit between Congleton and Macc where the trees are really tall. That and the snake bridge, oh, and Bosley Locks. Maybe I will go there later.

STOP THE PRESS

Ok, just when you thought my cider day could get no better......

Im getting straw bails to sit on in the "farmers bar" (the VIP). I am going to get in the biggest load of cheese, pies and bread for proper ploughmans. Ummm, is there anything better than cheese?


Only bad thing is that stupid man city play stupid man utd at 12.45 on the same day. This, I am not happy about.My Adge Cutler Scrumpy and Western event is much more important.

Much more.

PRESSING NEWS

Gerrit?

More cider news...

I have got some Thatchers cask cider, Cheddar Valley 6% coming and some 6% Westons Scrumpy.

I'm going to make my own smock, or, rewind....I might have another look for a white west country one in the Mark of Pri. I'm tempted to get a buxum west country serving wench outfit...you know, with a scrunchy hat, white tits out top and long brown skirt. However, the farmer look looks like more fun. Im undecided.

Oo-ar.Oim gannar be wurkin on moiy werst cun'ry arcent. I luvs the werst cun'ry arcent. Its lots loike moiy pyrat arcent. Arrrgh.

MURDER, SHE WROTE

BEAGLES, SHE LOVED

Jessica Fletcher has a painting of a beagle in her dining room in her Cabot Cove house fact fans.

WHAT TO WEAR

I got my pencil crayons out and I have drawn what you need to be wearing if you come in here on 5th May.

I have got bottles of Thatchers Katy (7.4%) Coxs (5.3%) and Gold (5.3%) as well as the regular Magners and Bulmers. Wychwood Green Goblin 6.0%) and Im getting a perry, haven't decided which one yet. So, with that and the strongbow and of course Scrumpy Jack on tap thats a cider fest and a half. I think I might even get more. I reckon if you come in fancy dress you get 50% off all cider.

Its still a work in progress. Yarnold has suggested apple bobbing in cider. Sounds good. That will be an afternoon activity, then I'll make pasties so everyone isn't too pished for the evening.

OO-AR ME LUVVERLIES, FANCY A BIT OF BARE BACK PIGLETT RIDING?

Forget Star Wars Day (May the 4th ....be with you). Do you know what is significant about 5th May?

Be very excited....I've had another idea.....

33 years ago on 5th May, the legent that is Adge Cutler died in a road accident. Indeed this is sad but I feel we should remember him with the ever talked about and yet never done....SCRUMPY AND WESTERN DAY here at Porters.

I'm still working on what will happen but I'm encouraging any of you customers to come in on that day dressed like a yokel. So, white smock, string around your knees over your trousers, red and white neckerchief around your neck, waistcoat, hat, piece of straw in mouth talking all west countrty. I'll have loads of different cider on offer, make some pasties and give stuff away....

This is a propar rush job, it also marks my 8th year here in the pub. If anyone has any suggestions then email them to me please.....you know what it is.... Portersprince@aol.com

HA-HA, IM SAT IN THE PUB

I love this wi-fi malarchy. I'm blogging from in the pub, how exciting.

Its a bit quite tonight so Aaron is doing the bar while I take a breather. I dont really need one, all I did today was go to Primarkand then had a beer with Nina who got back from doing the marathon with her medal.

Because Tescos is just across the road and I shop there all the time I thought I'd go to Sainsburys tonight for a change. I took advantage of the salad bar and now I am absolutley stuffed from eating undigestable cous-cous, tabbaallololaeh (or something like that), chick pea and other bits of salad. I was so hungry I ate the pumpkin ravioli I bought whilst walking home , raw. It was surprisingly nice.

My fridge is still broken. My brother took a look at it and has so far got no further with it. Good news is though he thinks he might be able to fix the oven. This is good news and bad news. Being a veggie, my food never messes up the cooker therefore takes little cleaning. Only he uses it and cooks bacon, chicken or lamb kebabs (the latter whilst singing Amy Winehouse) which messes up the trays with loads of fat and other minging stuff. He then doesn't wash up after himself which means I have to do it. I dont think that is really fair cos believe it or not I dont like scrubbing lardy shite off of things.
If he fixes the oven, it just means more stuff for him to mess up.
Might be best off leaving it broken.

Primark today was fine, I was in and out in record time. Only 2 of the items I purchased are probably going to go in the bin. Size wise I made no text book errors (I checked the labels and not the hanger size). There is still alot of shite in there, Im not loviing the fluro mini ra-ra skirt and they had the worst raincoats I have ever seen in the strangest shiny silver and blue. Best thing I got was a black dress with mustard/white flowers on it and a ribbon. I like the pale orange shirt I bought too only unfortunatley I managed to get eyeliner on the front of it, right on my bust which I then successfully smeared and made it look worse.

I even fell for the big long black flowery dress. Mainly cos in the paper it said how it was flying off the shelves. It looks ok but god only knows when or where I would wear it.

AHH, THE BREAKFAST CLUB

Just got in from a fabby-tastic sunday nightpub crawl (jar bar, 15's,sun inn, lord byron,fox and oh my god grapes, (down the road from the crack house), 3 crowns,denial at the oval, here then the thrillzone) with salad, pitta and chips and the breakfast club is on.

Ok, I know its a cult movie, I saw it when I was all impressionable and 12 or whenever it came out. I remember liking it. It was like Bucks Fizz. I mean it was like Bucks Fizz in the way that you wanted Cheryl to be with Mike and Bobby to be with the other woman. In the breakfast club I wanted Molly Ringwald to be with Emillio Estevez and Judd Nelson to be with the other girl. Its not over yet but Im sure it works out the other way around.

I havent watched it since then. Its a bit like Grease isnt it? I mean they still look older than me and are playing teenagers, and this was back in the day. I loved Molly in Pretty In Pink, in this she annoys the bee-jeesus out of me. Infact they all do.

OK. APRIL RESOLUTION

Im going to make more of an effort with putting pictures on here. This means I am going to have to make more of an effort in taking pictures, something I never do.But I best start doing some so I have things to look at to remember here, the memory is not what it used to be.

EXPIRES 2007

It was sad but now its ridiculous. I dont want to get all American Beauty on you but my life here really is set to expire this year.

I made the decision to leave here and go to Canada back in August/September. I was set to quit my job on 1st May, only 1st May is getting very close and Im no where closer to leaving. The only thing I am hanging around for is my mate Claires wedding on 27th May, well that and my Canadian citizenship papers and passport.....

The week I decided to leave my all singing all dancing oven broke. Its relatively new I guess, a delonghi one. So the main fan oven bit broke but the hob and top oven still worked so I thought as I am leaving soon I thought I'd cope without it. No point buying a new one.

No drama.

Then, my relatively new all singing all dancing washing machine broke. It was quite a dear one when I got it and it was only about 5 years ago.It was one of those top energy saving 1600 spin thing. The warranty has just ran out. But, as I am leaving soon I thought I'd cope without it. No point buying a new one. (Besides my Mum kindly does my washing now. (Result).)*

No drama.

Today I open my freezer to get some of those minging frozen bloodworm things out to feed the fish with and, you've guessed it......my relatively new all singing all dancing fridge freezer has broke.
Now, as Im hopefully leaving soon I'm definitely not buying a new one. Tescos is just across the road so its not like I have to do a big shop and I can buy everything fresh. I will be able to cope without it but to be honest, it just feels like someones taking the piss now.

No oven, no washing machine, no fridge freezer....whats next?

I'm worried about my telly. It too is an all singing all dancing big flat screened thing. Its days are numbered. And although there are tv's downstairs in the pub I dont know if I could cope so much with out it. How sad is that? Ive never rated electrical items in order of importance before but mine are:

1 computer/ipod
2 tv
3 Oven
4 fridge
5 hair straighteners (even though my hair is poker straight anyway, it just makes it a bit better)
6 drier
7 washing machine

while Im on lists...

My favourite way to prepare eggs...

1 poached
2 soft boiled
3 eggy bread (french toast to the la-dee-das)
4 fried
5 scrambled

(yes, Im hungry.)

My new vegetable top 5 are

1 Beetroot
2 Parsnip
3 Broccoli
4 potato
5 carrot

erm, what else...

My top 5 drinks...

1 blackwoods 60 and elderflower cordial
2 fruli
3 magners
4 jagermeister
5 wine and soda - the devils drink

most common thing I say in an irish accent...

"scared the bee-jeesus out of me"

"carphone warehouse"



Well, I'm unable to ramble anymore. Im going for a ride with Johnson and Anne Marie in a minute. Think we are going to stop off at the Church House for a half, I fancy trotting up to the Leather Smithy as well, I'll see if I can talk them around to that as well.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*The brackets are for Kay and Yarnold.(open brackets) (they love brackets)(close brackets)

Its so disheartening. Jeremy doesn't come when I call him. He does when its in the house but take him out and let him off and he just ignores me and runs away. I dont get it.Today, I decided to tackle my hangover pro-actively and went out for a walk. I went up to Claires and had a little play with her kittens (no this isnt an Akabusi story!) Her Cat has had a bunch of pirate kittens. Well, they arent real pirates but they have an eye infection so mostly have one eye each closed.

Today, I decided to tackle my hangover pro-actively and went out for a walk. I went up to Claires and had a little play with her kittens (no this isnt an Akabusi story!) Her Cat has had a bunch of pirate kittens. Well, they arent real pirates but they have an eye infection so mostly have one eye each closed. Then Me, Claire, Poppy and the hounds Jeremy and Monty walked up to where Poppys pony Huggy lives. We couldnt find the keys to the gate but Johnson geniusly managed to get the horse out. Here I let him off and he just pegged it. The best I can get out of the beagle when he does this is to shout sit. This he will do, otherwise he just ignores me and does one.

We walked up Old Buxton Road, down that road to Langley then had a coke at the Church House and walked back to their house up Buxton Road.I saw the house where Irene Maiden should live - "Rock House" opposite the Kings Head at Gurnett.

When I got back to the pub Five Live radio or something rang cos they read about the coin thing in the Sun. They are ringing back just after midnight sometime to interview me live on air. This worries me slightly as I am on my 4th Magners and its only 8.30 pm.You know Im accidentally going to say f***,c*** or Bugger! Lindsay has challenged me to say "hit the deck beak first", dont think I'll be able to remember that. I also dont get it.

Thankfully its quite quiet at the mo so I am skiving. Im proper knackered. The beagle is next to me, he is proper knackered. He is doing that weird things dogs do when they dream. Hes well funny.

My internal organs are crying out for water.I swear I can hear them squealing.

I grant them this wish and drink a pint of it but then for some reason my body rejects it and I throw it up.

It makes no sense.

THEY SAY THAT THE FIRST TWO INCHES ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT

Oh well, seems 2 inches is the best Im ever going to get.

A reporter from The Sun rang me yesterday and a photographer came over to take pics of me in my marigolds in the gents toilets but I get no picture and only 2 inches in the paper today.

I reckon if those selfish monks didnt kick off then I might have had more coverage!


I'm slighty rough today due to my intake of wine last night. it wasnt attractive. I remember crying over...well, I dont know what over. It was a wine thing. I'm beginning too think I like being miserable. Im very good at it. Im rude, insulting,bitchy and I need to be sick.....

I am bored of myself.

OMG

Media whore announcement to follow........

My favourite lipstick is Max Factor Lipfinity number 70.

Jeremy's favourite thing to eat seems to be the moisturising top coat of the Max Factor Lipfinity. He still chews them right up and eats the shiny clear gubbins.

God bless TJ Hughes. They sell the really minging shades of Max Factor Lipfinity and let me substitute the minging colour for another top coat....and all this for £3.

I love you TJ Hughes

IT WAS HORRIBLE

I dreamt I was getting on the plane to go to Canada with Benson and Jeremy. I hadn't organinsed their travel but asked the man at the airport if I could take them. He eventually said yes then gave Benson and then The Beast an injection. I was crying cos it looked like they were dead. He said it would be ok, then I looked again and he had skinned Benson and cut off his head, slit him down his chest and trussed him up in a baking dish. His headless body stretched and sighed and his headless body turned towards to me. It was like when Sylvester looked at Tweety Pie and imagined a cooked bird. Only Benson was raw and looked like pork.When he stretched his stitching had opened at the front. The man assured me he would be ok when we got to Calgary.

Meanwhile Jeremy was all soaked and lifeless in a clear bag (like the time I saw a dead body being removed from that house on Craig Road when I was about 8).He looked like a plucked duck.

The man it eemed didnt work for the airport and was infact a wanted dog killer.

It was then I woke up and cried
It was here I woke up and cried.

LEWIS

I have so much to thank you for!

To save time for everyone...
they are in the comments....

(if you dont like them, dont read them and dont complain to me, I didnt write them...wish I did though!)

AWOOGA

he came all over her like an airport fire hose

beautiful

Did anybody else ever watch Madison? It was a bit like Degrassi Jr High and My So Called Life.
I loved all of these shows.One of the girls from Madison is in Sue Thomas F.B.Eye which I am sadly watching now.
Facinating aren't I?

Did you know Paul "Wherever I lay my hat, thats my home" Young lived in Hale or that area.... We drove past a blue plaque saying so today. I didn't know he was at blue plaque status.

I think my phone is knackered. Well, it still seems to work ringing wise but it keeps making the noise that it does when I get a message....only there is no message. I know Yarnold sent me some the other day and I didn't get them. But it cant break, its so lovely and new.

Anyway, Im off to read more Akabusi sex stories......

If I eat another meatball, well, Quorn Swedish style meat ball then I'm going to turn into one. I love them, but I need to learn to stop eating when Im full. Oh, my stomach, its proper full I tells thee.I think I have eaten about 20.Oh God.

This might not have been a smart move as I have my dress fitting in 2 hours. I'm not going to fit in it now! Still, that might give the lady in the shop something else to talk about apart from the fact that apparently I have no hips. Yes, seems I have the body of a boy. B'ah.

IVE BEEN FRAMED

I remember it now....over the weekend I had the joy of finding out that I am still the laughing stock of high school, even though I left there 15 years ago.
I cant remeber who it was but on Saturday night someone said they saw me on telly. I thought they were referring to the local news or my Big Breakfast appearance but no.

Do you remember the milk cup? It was a school athletic competition that was regional then national. A school entered a team and each team member did a track and a field event and cored points. It was quite a big deal. We made it to the final and I got to meet Linford Christie and not Fatima Whitbread...the other one, Tessa something. It was filmed and shown on Channel 4.

I was the second best at discus at our school. Kathryn Quinn was the best. She was probably the best in England let alone our school and then it was me. I was still good, I threw about 34 metres on a good day, Kathryn did something ridiculous like 38. So I was in the team for that. My second event, the field one was the 100m. I wasnt fast but cos I was good at the discus they had to fit me in somewhere. The girl in our team that ran the 100m for her first event was camera shy and refused to do the A team run so went in the B team one leaving me to do the A team run, in running knickers against English champion Katherine Merry on Channel 4. I came last by about 4 seconds. It was my most embarrasing moment ever.

It seems the PE teacher at school still shows the video for a laugh. This was the tv appearance he was referring to.

That is so unfair.

SARAH'S LAW

I know I never really touch on news stories and current affairs...apart from my recent comparison of the Iranian president and the football stealing man that lived on Craig Road but I am well in favour of Sarah's Law.
Not all paedophiles are as easy to spot as they dont all fit the stereotype as Benson is demonstrating. I was talking to a lady I know and she has just found out that the man across the road from her has been taking pictures of her kids. Not rude pictures you understand, just pictures. He told the kids that he knows their Mum so its ok, he would get some copies for her. She of course doesn't know this man. Seems he has angry young teenagers banging on his door at all hours and she has seen fancy dress hats and stuff hanging in his door.

Now, of course it could all be innocent. But then you could also imagine how a few seemingly innocent pictures turn in to the kids thinking hes ok and posing for more pictures, maybe with his fancy dress items and on and on....

I dont want to think about it.But if hes one, shit the bed, I think she has the right to know. Yeah, you might get a bit of vigilantism for a while but what a great future deterrent it would be.

I just think we are protecting the wrong people here.

DOUBLEY IMPRESSED

Not only did Jeremy "Houdini" Beagle manage to open the back door, he untied the gate at the top of the stairs and instead of running away came in to the pub with a Kit Kat in his mouth.

I was 4 wines into the night and I saw him walking about the pub. Figured my brother was going to take him out and thats why he was downstairs.That was until Lindsay asked how he got there, so we went upstairs and saw how he had undone the gate. Im so proud, I have raised a genius.

I missed the bucking bronco cos I got to the party too late.It was good, I had a dance and the best egg sandwich ever. Played some weird game which involved putting empty glasses on fire escape signs and did some air guitar.

Its inspired me, I best start planning my leaving do. If I have it there...which would be ok, I was thinking of having a "Mimeoke" night. Like Karaoke only with unplugged instruments and microphones, good lighting and you get on stage and mime to a song.
Yes, this idea came about cos I cannot sing or play an instrument but would like to. I think it would look ace on that stage. We could have costumes and everything. I'd like to receate the version of Glamourous Indie Rock and Roll me Kay and Yarnold performed in Notting Hill last year. We rocked.

I love Mondays, its like my day off. Im going to the Traffordable Centre avec Miss Heyes later to shop for shoes and eat dim sum. Im so excited about the chinese food part. Shame its not as sunny today cos I like it when she puts the roof down on her fancy pants porche and drives me about. You never know, it might get nicer out. We arent going until 1.

Think I blew my chance with the fit guy from Friday night cos I haven't heard from him apart from a few texts from him on Saturday afternoon.Well, he never got to me about the party invite last night.Personally I think Im boxing out of my weight there, he's well out of my league. I dont blame him, I was really rude and strangely insulting. I think I know why I am acting more and more rude to people. I think somewhere in my head my brain knows how hard it will be to say goodbye to everything and everyone I have ever known that if I start upsetting people then they wont care so it will be easier to leave. Shit, that makes no sense. I'm going to have to start facing the fact that I am leaving and handle it a better way than that way. Its exciting but scarey.

I think I need to start looking at it all a different way. I always am very black and white about things, like one thing is good and one thing is bad. Both my life here and my future life there are good so I should stop playing them off against each other by acting like this one here is bad.
This is what I am doing now and thats just pants.

A SELF INDULGENT MOANING MOMENT

I am sick to death of everyone having a effing opinion about me doing one to Canada. Well no, not them having an opinion, just of them telling me I'm wrong to go, I wont like it and blah blah blah. I have just had someone I know going on about how bad I am because I'm proably going to have to leave Benson here.

I cry about this everyday. I have had him for 6 years. Hes a fantasically lovely and beautiful dog. Hes like my best friend. But hes old and arthritic. He doesnt move like he used to and gets freaked out going anywhere in a car. How the frig will he be on a 9 odd hour plane flight then a 6 hour drive to a country that is minus 30 alot of the time or over 30 the rest. I dont know where I will be living, what I will be working. Its so hard.

Everyday I imagine how hard it will be to say goodbye,it makes me cry - Im crying now. I dont know what to do for the best. I want to take him it just doesnt feel right. I understand hes a dog, if hes fed walked and watered he will be happy. I got him from a dogs home and I dont for one minute think that he misses whoever first owned him.

I certainly then dont need some drunk judging me.

I'm sorry, but I wont miss this job. All I get is people judging me and Im sick of it. I suppose we all do. I had to eject this arsehole today and he just make it all personal.He was rude, threatening and obnoxious but still I walked him home like a knob head.

Its so unneccessary Its shit. I hate the responsibility, the hours, the unsociableness of it all. The having to be happy all the time, the being the first up and being the last to bed. The fact that anyone can walk in through the door and do anything. I hate feeling like its going to kick off when I know it probably wont. I hate it for making me so down on people. Its been 8 years nearly, I think I'm allowed to.

Its not all bad, there are some really nice people in here, probably something like 99% are the bestest, nicest, coolest,finest people you could ever want to meet. But that one percent overshadows it all.





Hark at me, Im a moaning machine. I hope I haven't upset anyone. I think I just need a break.
Anyway, who knows what joy might be install tomorrow. Jacko is having a party in the hall behind us, he's got a bucking bronco and live bands. I'm quite excited. I have invited that man I fancied for ages but I havent heard back from him. I was well rude to him last night. I need to lose my righteous streak that i apparent whilst bevvied up. Its so unattractive

BREAKING NEWS

Kay won £1000 on the grand national sweepstake. I have never cheered so much. Then I found out I got £100 for coming fourth......details and pictures to follow

GOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM...ERM I MEAN ROE STREET

7am

There is a man in a ill fitting suit walking up and down below my open window screaming at someone called Darren that isn't there. Apparently Darren slept with someone else 4 days after they split up. Hes not happy, says Darren is rubbing his face in it. Darren it seems has got other people in his life more important than the man in the bad suit and his family, he hasn't been to see his Grandad who is dying.The man in the suit wants to know who could be more important.

Apparently it's Mike. (He knew it was)

He is really shouting now. He's pacing up and down holding some paper and a black book in his hand. He looks like a preacher. He could tell Darren was up to something when he started leaving x's off his texts. The man in the suit has put up with so much, much more than Darren. He doesnt like cats but he didnt say anything when Darren got one.


I wondered what was doing, there is this man in Macc that walks around town shouting rude words and telling everyone they are going to die. His brother it seems jumped off the flats years ago and died - so that explains that. I thought maybe this is a new one, but of course its all bluetooth headsets these days isn't it. I'm less interested now I know its just a phone call. It is loud though. Personally I dont blame Darren, this guy looks like he's high maintenance. Mike sounds much better.

MY DOG BENSON AND THE GREEN MILE THEORY

Benson is John Coffy (like the drink but spelt different.) When I am rough and I lie on the settee he lays on me and takes the badness away. He doesn't do the weird thing when the things fly from his mouth or the lights go brighter and then explode. Jeremy is now next to me making some weird yelping noise whilst chewing his back leg. Dont know what thats about but Benson is obviously feeling his pain cos hes shaking now all of a sudden. This Green Mile behaviour freaks me out.


(the advert count is now at 28, its Hovis. Apparently it was shot in Dorset whilst depicting Yorkshire although it was "invented" here in Macclefield)

FOR THOSE OF YOU ABOUT TO SOFT ROCK....

Peter Cetera is live in concert on Life Showcase (sky 139) now as I type. Hes hilarious, he well hams it up. Its like hes having his pubes plucked when he finishes every line of "The Glory Of Love", talk about over acting. Im waiting for some Chicago numbers but he keeps playing songs that make him place his hand to his chest and wince. I cant take much more. Oh my god, is that a gold sleeper in his ear? Its too confusing, I've gone off him....plus he looks a bit like Ann Robinson. I dont think I can watch it anymore.

Have you ever heard my Barry Manilow impression? Its terrible.Not of him singing, of him talking. Hes a bit like Lavern and Shirley meets Kermit T Frog and he says things like "I was like, Holy Mackeral, these kids really dig my sound. Holy Mackeral, Jees my life is swell"- well, Peter Cetera is alot like my Barry.

(By the way, my finger has now slipped to the top 100 adverts of all time on E4. Holy Mackeral Peter, Im so sorry)

POSTMAN CAT

Much like last year, my Mom came running up the stairs to where I was lying down on the settee with a wet towel over my eyes. What I thought was a hangover is in reality actually a migraine. I've not had one for about 20 years.C'est non bon.
So, Im lying there in the dark as she explains that the polling cards she delivers, need to be delivered by the end of the day.....and she's going to see Riverdance tonight.So she roped in me and Lindsay to do it too.

So, thats what I've been doing, me and the beagle.

People really should be made to have house numbers. That was slighty annoying.

It was quite uneventful.

An old lady came out to ask me what day it was, I told her Thursday 12th and she looked confused and said she wasn't well. Then she invited me in. I told her I would but I was in a hurry to post all of my cards, then I thought she was going to cry.She was East European and I couldn't quite undertand her. She said she didn't want everyone to watch her(there were some random old birds out chewing the proverbial, further down the road.) So I went in her house and she lead me in to the front room and said she had been unwell and didnt know what day it was. She showed me her TV guide from the Daily Mail. She had it on Friday. So I put her right with Thursdays listings and put her calendar to April. I declined her offer of tea and wished her well. She then tried to give me her microwave which was a little strange but I managed to leave emptied handed. Then I got really sad thinking of the lonely old lady who had to talk to the polling card posting girl with the red eye who was in too much of a hurry to have a cup of tea.

It didn't last long, soon I posted two to this house, one guy was called Attila and the other one Carlos. I don't know why but it made me chuckle.I've never met a gay guy called Attila.

The coolest one was to that house which is off the left off Oxford Road. It used to be a junk shop. I should have taken a picture, the entrance to it was ace. Infact I loved the whole noseyness of what I got to do today.

So yes, now I have house/married with kids envy.

That man I chased down the road that stole money from the urinals over a month ago bizarrley came in to appologise for it today whilst sporting a black eye

NOW I CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT

Email received........


Dear Cath3rine,

Thank you for your e mail. I will do my best to settle this argument.

The name of our Wells Premium Bitter is Bombardier - pronounced "bom-ba-deer" as you say.

There is a french, candadian aeroplane spelt the same way, but pronounced "bom-bar-dee-yay" - this is what your friends may be getting confused with.

But there is no doubt you are correct, our Wells Premium Bitter is Bombardier - "bom-ba-deer".

So please keep enjoying your beer,


Regards

Craig Sammells
Wells Ales Brand Manager



My favourite part is where he says "there is no doubt you are correct."

No Doubt. Do you hear that MKB? No Doubt.

17th MARCH

I just watched Different Strokes on Trouble. I used to love that show but watching it now I see it was really quite shite. In the credits at the end there was a man called Patrick Day.
I wish I had a cool name.

UOP

I really annoy myself.
Im a horrible drunk.
I like to think Im a happy drunk but Im a twatty drunk in reality. I wouldn't hang out with me.

I think my brain is bleeding. The pain is immense. I knew it was going to get bad when I finished off my first wine in the Legh Arms at lunch and it tasted good despite the fact that I was still slighty rough from drinking the night before. I ended up drinking with Cress til 4 the night before and all I really remember is trying to draw a dogs penis. See, Im not even a facinating drunk.

Last night I went to the Flowerpot where I used to work and did the quiz. I made a crunt of myself by jabbering on to Mutley from the Macc Lads about tomatos, Attila the Stockbroker and Tescos. I just want to forget the rest.

I tied my hair up in rags and now its really curly. That is all I know. Universe of pain.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH

I am usually quite good at spotting look-a-likes. Even if no one else can see it (George Dubba-ya) but I totally missed this beauty.

Ben that works in Holden and Prescott estate agents in town does proper look like Jeremy Kyle.
There is a picture of him on there site, at www.holdenandprescott.co.uk. You'll have to cut and paste it. I feel linking would be wrong.

I'm bored..........

...THE UNSTOPPABLE STOPS

OMG, I have just seen. Carter are playing one last gig in November and tickets go on sale a week today. I loved Carter. I never saw them. I had a ticket to see them at the Academy in '90 or '91. I thought I could make it so I kept the ticket only we were on a art trip in London with school and we got back to late. I was gutted. I remember buying the ticket from Hectic House.

Only I wont be here in November either. Think Im going to go and listen to them now, for old times sake.

SOMEONE'S HAVING A BAD DAY

The buying of lemons and limes in Tescos is a tricky buisness.

I know I have said before some of the difficulties I have ran in to but today was by far the strangest.

To recap, lemons and limes are about 19p each in Tescos.

Now, this isnt rocket science.

I put 10 lemons in one bag and 20 limes in the other.

I told the lady at the check-out how many were in each.

She did the 10 lemons, no problem but when it came to the limes she started shouting at me, saying she could only do 10 at a time and said she would have to rip the bag open. I realise that she means the till will only let her ring 10 through at a time so I suggest maybe she rings 10 limes through twice. No she says and starts tutting at me, telling me that she had to seperate them all to weigh them. So I pointed out they were 19p each, said it wasn't hard and just ring through 10 limes twice. She treid, expecting it not to work but of course it did so she then threw the rest of my shopping (2 cucumbers and some celery) down the chck out after she had scanned it. The other shoppers looked on and tried not to laugh.

She must be having a bad day.
I cant blame her, I hate customers like me too.

FACTOR PURE

Im never going to do it before I leave these shores, so I'll share it with you......

Yes, its my Dragons Lair idea. Its the one that all the panel would want a piece of. Duncan Bannatyne would get in to bed with you.You know its a winner. If someone wants it then thats cool. You can keep the millions of pounds and the fame. Just acknowlege my genius....

Ok, you know when you go on holiday somewhere hot. Say you stay in a nice hotel and you fancy spending some days in the complex lying in the sun. So, you put your cossie on, grab a book,your hotel key and some suntan lotion and go to your sunbed. In the time you are on holiday you plan on working on your tan so you have higher factors for the beginning of the trip and aim at lowering it towards the end. Thats loads of bottles. You want a higher one for your face, some oil for your legs...blah blah blah. Then there is the whole palava of putting it on and reapplying after you have been in the pool. I don't care what you say, its a pain putting it on someone else....Sound familiar?

Here is my idea.

Its a suntan lotion dispensing wall/booth.(I'd put it by the pool somewhere outside). It would work like a spray tan booth does. Your hotel key would work like a swip card that you would put credit on to access the self spraying lotions. It would be filled with different factors to choose from that would jet out at different heights doing your whole body and face. You'd never have to spend a fortune on different lotions that you never use the whole bottle of, you wouldn't have to walk down to the local shop if you ran out to buy some over priced out of date strange lotion that stains you.... you just put credit on your card. And, if when you had to go home you still had some credit you could save it (where the amount would be doubled if you went to the same hotel chain again) or have it deducted off your rooms bill.

Ok, bit long winded but work on your own pitch. Its friggin genius. Im sure its the future.

SORRY, I KNOW ITS BEEN ITS BEEN AWHILE

(Its only Our Kelly.)

Finally Im getting around to doing some of my paperwork, Im working the spreadsheets....Annie, you'd be so impresed.

Boring as it is I have my itunes on random nice and loud and on comes the one and only, R Kelly.

I've not heard this one for a while, its the song Ann Summers needs to use in all its shops from that R.Kelly & Public Announcement album - "Born into the 90's".

Question, what do the followiung have in common?

Joannes got it
Leonice has got it
Theresa's got it
Tonia's got it
I tell ya Cheryl's got it
Bettys got it
Chip has got it
Ann has got it
Gail's got it
Stephanie's got it
And Sabrina's got it
Rachelle has got it
Gladys got it
Fontina's got it
Little cute Aaliyah's got it (but I'm afraid she doesn't any more)
Stacy's got it
Rita's got it
Laurels got it and Kims got it, yeah

So what do they all have in common?

No, not the clap - although I wouldn't be surprised if they did.
They do of course all have that VIBE,

V-IBE,

VIIIIBE

Rampant Rabbits would sell so well if I could do the ad campaign for them.

I never really noticed but he well sounds like Chris Eubark on it.

When did R Kelly lose his lisp?

He's so shit.

He is the shit.

I think hes friggin hilarious. R Kelly, I love you, you little weirdo.

(little cute Aaliyah?....she was probably about 10 when this came out. What a dirty bastard.)

PRESIDENT THATSMYDINNERJACKET

There was a man that used to live up the road from us that was alot like the Iranian President.
He wasn't Iranian, he was from Macclesfield. He lived in a semi, there was a small wall outside his front garden and his back garden had a gate on it. When we kicked our football accidentally over his wall into his back garden and asked if we could get it back he said no and told us to come back later. We then had to appologise to him and his wife until he gave us a lecture and then in turn,the ball back.

Then it happened again, he refused to give it to us and told us to come back the next day. The next day? Shit, it was an innocent curby mistake. Little did he know Andrew had another football so we didn't care less, left the football and the appology and instead naturally concentrated our future efforts on budding his windows, playing knock and run and stealing flowers form his garden.


I cant help but think things are going to get a little worse

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BEAGLE FLY?

I haven't but mine does.

I have just made a ton of cheese, ham and coleslaw sandwiches for the pool team.
I wrapped them in a load of clingfilm on a tray and put them right at the back, up on the kitchen cupboard.

I then went down in to the pub.

I was probably in the bar for 5 minutes tops. I came back upstairs and there is a guilty looking hound sat at the back door. No, surely not......

I go to the kitchen and look and sure enough 3 buns are missing. So I shout at him, re-wrap them and put it above the sink. Now, its really high up.

I go into the front room to watch these muppets on the Apprentice, there is a noise in the kitchen. I go out to look and bam, a bun is gone again. This bastard must be able to fly. He could never reach it surely.

Same thing last week. I put the bin on the cooker, a domino pizza box on top of the bin and a box of dominos chicken something on top of the box. The chicken is eye height to me. I went downstairs, came back and Jeremy is on the roof eating the chicken.

Im putting CCTV in the kitchen. I need to see this flying beagle for myself.

If I was designing something for this dog product apprentice thing I would make something like a rucksack for the dog to wear. A strap that would go aroung their front legs and a sack that would sit on their back. In that bag they could carry their own shit. Thats all I want from life. It would have to look cool, but that could be done.

Sir Alan, if you are reading this give me a call.... can start as soon as!

THE APPRENTICE

You know what, I think I could win that show if I was on it.
They are a proper load of tools arent they?

HOW NOW BROWN COW

I dont know if I am right or not on this, and quite frankly, thats not the point.

I hate it when people say Bombardier (you know the bitter...) like this - "Bom-bar-dee-yay".
Its "Bom-ba-deer" surely.

I'm probably being petty here, when peoople say "Deuchars" any other way than the proper way ("Deu-kars") it doesn't bother me at all and believe me, I hear loads of different ways....

"doiy-ch-ars"

"dyou-chaarss"

"dewch-chars"

None of them annoy me, not like "bom-bar-dee-yay" does.

Im not going to get it in again. Thats how much I hate it.


As you can tell, life is slow here in Daily Beagle land. Imagine what my life would be like if I had some real problems! So my only real gripes are the bad pronunciation of Bombardier and the fact that people seem to think that normal life stops cos f-ing man united are on tv.

Ok, Im thinking I should go and get myself a life or at least some real problems......

BEAGLES ARE THE NEW BLACK

I bumped into two different beagles whilst out walking the beast today.

That is a record.

Of course, Jeremy was by far the better looking of the three.

My beagle envy has calmed itself.

CONFUSED.COM

I don' drive so I don't know but I was wondering....

Do you think searching for car insurance has actually ever driven anybody crazy?
Like 'sectioned' crazy?

You know, like it says on the advert?

CAN EVERYONE JUST STOP GETTING SHOT

Did I ever mention the long eared, horsebrass wearing man we suspect of stealing from the urinals ?

Well, I have news. Upon returning from my Sunday night jaunt which took in The Pack Horse, The Chester Road Tavern and Deli Garden I hear that he has been back.

Ever since Albert saw him rob some money I have had him watched. The other week someone went in the Gents to try and catch him. He thought that "H" (the suspected thief) threw the money back that he was picking up. We decided better not to make a scene and challenge him. He would only deny any way. Well, last night he was seen picking a £2 from one urinal. Swampy was working behind the bar and she challenged him about this. "H" then took my brother in the toilets to explain how he went to throw 20p in, accidentally threw £2 in so went to get it out. He then showed Lindsay his "bling" on his arm, explaining how it was worth 18 grand or some shit like that,said he didnt need to steal money and slat £8 in coins in the urinal. Bizarrley he then said "your bar maid has a serious problem" and showed my brother a bullet.

Muvva Fukka.

Macclesfield south central or what?

I will of course keep you posted. If I go all quiet though then you may assume the gypsy has shot me.

YOU CAN PACK UP ANYTIME YOU LIKE, BUT YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE.

Ok, what I was selling wasnt all shite. It was mostly shite but not god awful.

I felt a bit rubbish Saturday night so had an early one whilst Kay and Linds got tatered.(I was looking for that to read tay-ter-'d). I woke up bright eyed and all that at 6 am. We left here about 7.30 and were there for 8.

Immeadiatley we were decended upon before I got out of the back of the car by a whord of toothless bum bag wearing boss=eyed people asking if we had any records/mobile phones/computer consoles. I said no, we just have shit. They soon dispursed. I decided that if I ever found myself at a car boot really early in the morning again then I was going to go around new cars asking "Got any porn?" This kept me entertained for about an hour.

Apparentley 20p and 50p is alot of money as most shook their heads when we said that was all we wanted. I started to put things in the boot as I decided ebay was more civilised and I would rather give it to charity than to some rude 3/4 lenght trouser wearing toothless domehead.

Hang on, Im being to nasty and wrong. Im full of cider, thinkk I better go to bed and continue this tomorrow.

HOW MUCH FOR MONOP?

How can I put this?

I am never,ever,ever,ever,ever putting myself through that again.

Anyone who does carbooting out there - I applaud you....whilst secretly I am thinking that you must be mental.

That was god awful.

I dont even want to go into it. I may do later but Im off now on a top secret mission (after I wash the car boot grime off me.) Never have I been so happy to have all my front teeth.

Its not like it is on the telly.