Erm...problem.

I know I dropped my mobile in the beer drip tray the other week, and then it worked fine. I dont know if it is related but now no one can hear me now when I talk (a joy to many i am sure).Other than that it works perfectly.

As I am rubbish with tings like this I was wondering, do you think it is broke and I need to buy a new one or does anyone know if its fixable. BTW, Its a W300i sony ericsson.

WITH MY LITTLE EYE

We went on holiday to Scotland ages ago, must have been 1981 or 82. We ended up driving as far as Tain in a white Ford Cortina with just three tapes - Blondie, Paul Simon and Queen and two I-spy books.

I loved I-spy books, they were well geeky. Well, my experience of the I-spy books must have payed off cos guess who I saw today? (I wont bore you with it if you cant guess....its more of a reminder for me) On Westminster Road at 15.40 whilst I was walking the dogs. Move over Petrochelli...theres a new kid in town .

By the way, what is going on? Last night and tonight were buiser than Christmas.!!?? Never right.

I SMELL THE NATIONALS

There is a picture of the pub on page 3 of the Manchester Evening News and Claire (down the road Claire) on it-about knocking down the houses. A lady from the press association has just been on the phone. Fingers crossed....this could be my 3rd appearence in the Sun tomorrow!

CONSPIRACY THEORY TIME

I have a theory.

You know how Jeremy Kyle is always giving people DNA tests ?

Do you think the show then hand over all the DNA results to the police for their records? Infact do you think the whole show is just a way to get f*ckwits to hand over their DNA sample cos most of them look like potential offenders.

Genius

CANCEL THAT

That was....

55%Booze

44% bravdo

(1% still able to do math)

I have faded quite rapidly, cant even keep down cup-a-soup. I think my organs are failing. I need paracetamol. Its def con wop again.

Last night was great. Winehouse was great. Fruli/cider/gin /carling and what ever I drank at the Irish club in Chorlton was great.The naan salad from Rusholme chippy was great.

My ability to survive the hangover.....not so great.

Cleetus, get me my gun.

CATH3RINE

Ingredients....

49% human
51% booze

Im up for getting smashed today, anybody fancy it?

IF YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE INDICISIVE...

Then spare a thought to whoever it is that goes to recycle their gin bottles at the bins in Duke Street Car Park Macclesfield.

Every Saturday morning recently when faced with the options of the
green glass bottle bank, the clear glass bottle bank and the brown glass bottle bank they keep leaving their empty blue 70cl bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin on the floor t'wixt the green and the clear bins.

I'm not in a position to give a correct ruling here, this is not my forte. But you would think that week after week after doing the same thing he/she would either leave it home, switch gin, put it in either of the other colour bins or make them in to candle holders and light their house all romantic like.

Maybe they think that the people who come and empty the bottle bins put the blue ones on the seat next to them in their truck and take them back to the depot and drop it in the special blue recycling bin. Maybe they are leaving it out so they get the hint and give us a blue bin. Maybe they believe in recycling faries who magically pick up the bottle and put it in the bin.....oh hang on...its nearly true, its me.Yes - I am that fairy. I put them in the green one.

Well, enough of this drivel. I need to get out more. I'm off out tonight to see Amy Winehouse at Manchester Academy or whatever they are calling it these days. This is good cos that means I can drink Fruli at the Kro across the road before and after! And I loves me Fruli (in a shit Ali G voice)

BEYONCE KNOWLES - YOU OWE ME 2 HOURS OF MY LIFE

OH

MY

GOD

I dont watch many films, I hardly ever go to the pictures. The last time was Walk the Line until tonight...there are no words.

It was my fault, I picked it.

I dont know why. I was feeling a bit down so I thought it sounded like a "pick me up"sort of film, instead Im worried it has pushed something important out of my brain to make room in my head to watch it. We only stayed to the end to see if R Kelly had anything to do with directing or producing it cos it well turned in to a hip-hopera half way through.

God it was awful. It was God awful. I dont ever want to hear anyone sing again. Music is now ruined for me.

More interestingly though, after Kay picked me up at 8.20 we were on our way to pick up Linds when guess who I saw in the car next to us at the lights?

Guess. Go on, you wont get it...

Only the master of lies and deception - yes it was Paul.

I was just jabbering on to Kay when I saw him over my shoulder in the car to our right. He was putting his seat belt on.Before I recognised him I went to smile cos he looked familiar (you know, like you do) but I turned away, I think, before he saw me. I had my glasses on and I doubt he would have recognised me.

So like psycho weirdo stalkers we stopped indicating left and switched to right and followed right behind them up Park Lane then right at the round-a-bout. I tried to get a look at the driver, she had a big nose, older than me and looked quite short. It was a blue P reg ford escort freedom.(I have the reg, so if anyone thinks they can find the owner....) It sounds like the girl with the kids he was seeing while I was with him. The one that his wife smacked in the face.I knew he would be with her.

I havent set eyes on him since we said goodbye outside Euston Station after we got back from Canada in August. We followed to the roundabout by Kings then I said we should leave it so we went right after they went left. I was a tad paranoid. God knows why. I always wondered how I would feel seeing him again and I am pleased to admit I had anger then intreague and then actually realised I didn't care. So I texted him just so he knew I knew where he was, I asked him why he didnt wave! Ha, that should do his head in. Needless to say he hasnt replied.

So I feel quite good. I have never laughed so much coming out of a film. I had no idea it was so utterley bad. How did I not know this? I couldnt sit through that again...not for any money. My eyes,nose and ears would be bleeding. I cant even write about how bad it became. I first knew it was going to be bad when I saw Eddie Murphy in it with all his sexual chocolateness. And how bad must that fart that Jamie Foxx kept sniffing at the end of the movie?

Or maybe it was just the film.

It stank.

TOTP, SO MUCH TO ANSWER FOR

Well, its done.

I waited 2.5hours downstairs yesterday afternoon for this nasty man who comes in to tell him that he was barred. 2.5 hours and no show...its like he knew. I missed Neighbours and everything.

Anyway, he came in about 12.30 today. He is usually in most afternoons, has a few carling and sits in the part of the bar I like to call the VIP area. Ha ha ha. He is a most unpleasent chap, very opinionated and likes to interrupt peoples conversations with his "f"ing this and "f"ing that. He is nothing more than a thick bully.

He had a go at Gareth that drinks red wine, complaining that his hearing aid was whistling and disturbing him. Has been very rude to my favourite Stan and then in turn to Dudley. (no one tells me this...I try and steer clear of the pub in the afternoon). Last straw was the fantastically blind Blind Tony. Seems an arguement errupted over when Pan's People started on Top Of The Pops which ended with him threatening Blind Tony by telling him he was going to shove his head through a wall or words to that effect.

Anyway, I was most diplomatic. Infact, if I ever had to be barred from anywhere I wouldn't mind being barred by me.

I simply told him I had had a number of complaints about his language, attitude and somewhat threatening behavior.I told him it wouldnt be tolorated and it would be better if he found himself somewhere else to drink as he was no longer welcome here. He asked who by? I said it didnt matter although he should be aware that it came from more than 3 different people. He kicked up no fuss and left

Meanwhile BT has worked himself up into a bit of a state thinking that he is going to be jumped or something. I have calmed him down. I think that this is MKB's doing as they were talking about it far too much last night. MKB said "when this man comes in, give me a ring and I'll come down" I tried not to laugh. A hard gangsta man MKB is not.

Anyway, mini drama of the day over, what else can I bore you with?

Im only on my second day of my 'giving up chocolate and cake for lent' thing, its proving hard. I found myself in Tescos with a Double Decker in hand at the check out before I remembered and had to go and put it back. Boo- Hiss.

TIC TAC CAT

"he has all the charm of an armpit"-Nina Myskow

----------------------

MKB is up before the judge a week today on his drink driving charge (he got collared one Sunday morning before Christmas).

"Before Christmas?" I hear you cry.
Yes, before Christmas.
He has had it adjourned 2 or 3 times I think.

Anyway, before you start thinking that I am being sly and accuse me of doing this in bad taste I asked MKB (king of the urban surf) if he minded me opening a book on the verdict. He says that it is ok....

MKB does time.....100/30

MKB loses his licence.....Evens

MKB loses his licence and gets 1-3 points....4/11

MKB loses his licence and gets 4-6 points....3/1

MKB loses his licence and gets 7-9 points...7/1

MKB gets off scot free.....4/1

Ladies and Gentlemen, place your bets.

HUNGRY TROUSERS

Just when I thought Jeremy had stopped chewing things.....


Yes, hes gone and eaten the crotch out of a pair of my jeans.
Of course, I wasnt wearing them at the time.
It must have something to do with the new diet I have put him on since the vet told me he was too fat.

I wouldn't have thought he was that hungry though.

I wonder if Britney would like them? She likes showing the "hoof"and it would take the attention off her Bash Street Kids hair do.

BUGGER, YET AGAIN

I dropped my phone in the drip tray, the srceen is knackered.
Im hoping it will dry out like last time but maybe I have used up my luck on that front.

Im tucking into a bag of goodies from Hotel Chocolat.
Its making it seem not so bad.

GRASS!

Seems back in the day I had no problems about grassing my friends up.
Even though it was 25 years ago, I can still kind of remember it. It wasn't a real rabbit.It was one of those furry things that opened its arms when you pinched its back, it had a human face. Were they called Cheekies or something? Its a little fuzzy. You would collect loads of them and clip them on things. I remember they were (in my school anyway) the craze that came after those little baby dolls (which was just a plastic baby's head sewn on a tiny brightly coloured felt body) that slept in a big matchbox with a blanket and came before collecting little plastic Smurfs.

The more I think about it, Infant 3 was definitely my best school year. So much happened. That was the last year we got milk with those dead thin blue and white stripey straws.
At the beginning of the year I remember learning letters (with those perfectly square books that came in either red, blue or yellow and they just had the letter that they were about on the front, printed in black) but yet can clearly remember being able to spell 'jewellery' towards the end of it.

The only bad thing was I was 3rd King in the nativity play. I thought surely that was a boys roll and I wanted to be Mary. Nicola Hackney was always Mary but she was my mate and she was exactly a week older than me so it was ok.

The Sonya who brought the rabbit in left St Edwards before Junior 4. The last time I saw her she was on Blind Date and was the picker. I think she was running a pub in Birmingham then.

(Ok Cress, I hope I have given you enough material to take the piss out of me later)

3RD TIME UNLUCKY

Took the beagle to the vets again. It was the third different vet in as many visits...no hang on it was his 4th arse appointment.

Each of them did it differently. Todays vet used gloves and lube. The first vet just used tissue and the lady in the middle used gloves and tissue. Todays was the best. He gave him a checking over with his stethoscope and everything - the other 2 didn't do anything.

So, he is on different antibiotics, has to go back on Friday and if its not improved then they might have to sedate him and flush them out.

I hope that doesn't have to happen.

Every single 6 weeks I promise myself that I will not leave all my boring paperwork until the last minute, yet here I am again ruining my night off by having to do it for tomorrow morning.And, even though I have loads to do tomorrow you just know I'm going to have to finish it then and blag a way of handing it in on Tuesday.I am so shit with time management its untrue. Its made more annoying by the fact that I was looking forward to a day on the lash tomorrow but now I've got all this to do. Why do I waste my time with tv? Damn you JB Fletcher and Dr Mark Sloan.

To top it all,Jeremy the bloody beagle has just messed up all the receipts I had sorted out by getting amorous with his furry shag piece of a hat on top of them (My office is so messy I opted to sort them out in front of the telly. Big mistake)

I need a breather.

Met Jane this evening after work to discuss plans for Claires hen do. We have agreed on NO penis straws,no matching hats/home printed slogan t-shirts,L plates etc. Im glad we are on the same wave length.

Pub wise not much has happened today. I refused this young looking lad beer cos he had no ID and had his trousers tucked into his socks. Surely no one over 18 does that do they? Well, thats what I told him. He looked quite blank when I gave him my reasons.I think that means I was right.

F**K YOU EDMUNDS

There is a reason why I dont play fruit machines.

Its because I cannot play fruit machines. Well, I can put the money in - its the taking it out I have a problem with.

I am a sucker. Just put my last two nights tips in, and then a further £10 after everyone had gone and fell for Noels Deal Or No Deal fruit machine.
You can pick what stake you want to play.
10p, 30p or the "super game" at 50p a go.

Surprise surprise...guess which one I picked?!
You're damn right.

Noel, if you are reading,...its really not a super game.

Really not.

Really,

Not.

MACCLESFIELD UPDATE

I just saw Wigan sat on the wall opposite Tescos with a walking stick.
Last time I saw Wigan he was in a wheelchair after having a stroke whilst "on the job" with his bird on Boxing Day.Nice.

Paul has just asked Shell to marry him. \down on one knee in the pub, ring, champagne and everything.
She said yes.

Albert witnessed Harry (with the long ears, biker jacket and horse brasses) steal money from the urinals.

More news at 11

TUESDAYS KNICKERS

God, do you remember the "Trick-Stick"? I got mine from Poundstretcher, I thought I was ace on it although looking back I was pretty shit. I just remembered, Fay Lucas used to do the add on tv for it. I wanted to be like Fay! As for the 20 easter eggs - such a lie*. I think I was showing off. Don't ever remember getting 20 easter eggs!

Good to see I am interested in world affairs though by reporting BA's financial difficulties.
Now, I don't recall there being any 'kock' out at my holy communion, but it seems I thought quite alot of myself on 9th June 1982, I don't remember talking like a yardie at that time though.
Even at 7 this randy old maid takes a fancy to the boys from the secondary school

Loving my crayoning.

The pictures go on and on, and aren't as hilarious as I thought.

Two times I have written that "I am in a new place" with a picture of a desk so I guess I talked alot and got moved.

The only time I ever ran away from school was in infant 3. I bumped into mu Mom on the way home and tried to convince her that they let me out early. She made me ring my teacher at home that night to apologise and I had to stay in all dinner and playtimes for the next week cleaning her store room. She ended up being my favourite teacher ever and I cried when she left to teach kids in Jakarta or where ever.

I wonder if Mrs Lazenby is still alive? She was so cool.

She used to shake kids by the shoulders and call them "useless lumps of proto-plasm" and rub their nose in chalk off the board.

Incidentally, this is not why I ran away. I never had that done to me, the kids that did usually pissed themselves. You could tell this because she would ask for them to stay behind when the bell went ,when you returned in from break there was a wet mop trail weaving in and out of chairs from where she was last talking to the person at the front of the class to the toilets at the back of the room.

No, I ran away because the Head shouted at me for wasting sticky paper by cutting my shapes out of the middle of the piece and therefore wasting the sheet, instead of cutting my shapes out from the side.

I think I may have over-reacted.

Infant 3 was also the time I wore a leotard for P.E. I had not thought it through and when I put it on you could see my knickers...so I of course took them off. When I returned from P.E. I couldn't find my knickers. I remember this was a really big thing at the time. My Mom later found them in my coat pocket.

She told me the morning before that I could not take my leotard to school so I had to try and explain why at 7 I was returning home with no knickers. The shame. I couldn't get out of it cos I was wearing those knickers with the day of the week on them, she knew it was Tuesday!

* I didnt think I started lying until Junior 1. Most of my best porkies were told then. That was the year I also got done for bullying. Junior 1 was not as good as Infant 3, Junior 1 was all the Falklands, books about pirates, binary code (wtf? why try and teach that to 8 years olds?) and the year I killed the oldest plant in the school with powder paint. More on that later.

THE GALLERY

Here is my absolute favourite.

Why the school didnt get the social involved is beyond me....

I am particually proud of the fact that my supposedly drunken yellow father is dreaming of dimpled pint pots, but its the creepy calls of "g-g-g-ghost "coming from behind the door that I find the most alarming.

BUY SOME CHOPS BEFORE YOU GO-GO

I still don't get it.

What is with the buchers stall on Churchill Way carpark on a Saturday?
Does he really need a microphone/Bobby Brown head set? S'pose it is his prerogative,(had to spell check that one!) I wonder if he is wearing white cycling shorts under his red and white stripey apron?

Every Saturday on my way back from the bank (where every week I ignore Selina and she ignores me) he is there on the car park. You hear him before you see him, with his "bang in the lamb" and his "you look like a thigh man".

Today he had the biggest audience I have seen yet. 4 deep.It took me back to that time I went to South Park for the Radio One Roadshow with Peter Powell and Wham! They had a white van thing too.I only got to see them from a distance but to be honest I was more impressed with the big inflatable tube thing I had.

When was that anyway?

I was well young. Think it was about the time the Pope came over and we all had those yellow and white striped periscope things with the mirrors in them - never knew why I had one, I never even went to where he was.

I came across an old school book of mine from that time. I was in Infant 3 so I think that made me 6. Remember those diary books you had to fill in in the morning at primary school? Mine is hilarious. I remember that either you got to write something yourself or copy what the teacher had written on the blackboard. If you didnt know this and you didnt know I went to a catholic school then you would think I had a bizarre pope obsession as everyother entry is about the Pope. The Pope was big news at St Edwards in 1980whatever.

I wonder where I put it? I might put a few of my favourites up if I can find it.

Dogs - walked
Radiator - bled
Rice Crispies - eaten
Life - dull

Goodnight x

FOR ROB......

Someone has stolen a quid from the middle urinal but apart from that its a normal Friday night.

After work I am going to have a big bowl of rice krispies and bleed the radiator in my bedroom cos its beyond cold.

That is as exciting as it gets Im afraid.

Now go and fix some planes.

I forgot about this one!

ERM..

Greame Wilson that comes in is doing a rewrite of his first book, Macclesfield and the art of long distance walking. Its to celebrate some anniversary or something. In it he wants to write about here and some of the things I have done which make Porters as good as it is. So I need to write him a brief outline of some of the things I've done....

So far I have...

Rugby cartoon playing cards
'No money will be left in these urinals overnight'
The Porters Blimp
The free umbrellas
Fish tank in the gents
Champagne fridays (rip)
what other crap have I thought up in the last 8 years? Surely we have done more....

MORE BREAKING NEWS THAN SKY NEWS

Ijust had a phone call, it was Sky News. She tells me they have been looking at my blog. I look puzzled and wonder why she would be interested in the tar on my dogs coat. Then I wonder if the broken man from the diary of a broken man has finally broke. D'uh, then I remember my other blog - the pub blog.

She asks if the pub has been saved, I say yes but they are still knocking down the houses.She is less interested in this and trys politley to finish the conversation. Oh, ok, erm...so ..well, its good that the pub has been saved, erm. bye.

First for breaking news? Gimme a break.

USALLY I WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED

We have just had a new fruit machine delivered.

I dont do fruities therefore care little about them, however...its a Deal Or No Deal one. That my friends is quite cool.

TAR VERY MUCH

After taking Jeremy down Cross Street he is covered in tar.
I was talking to Dug-Up Dave about it last night. He said Lard was good for tar removal.
I have never heard of this.
Then asked if I wanted to know how he found this out. (I thought it was one of those things that everyone knew but me). He began to tell me how one day he got loads in his hair at work and......

then I had to serve some customers and we never finished the conversation. I have been lying awake this morning trying to figure out how someone would accidentally come across discovering this.

I cant.

Note to self : ask Dug-Up how he got lard in his hair.

Surely rubbing lard on my already obese beagle makes me worse than being the feeder I already am.

AFTER MUCH STUDY TONIGHT.....

I am now able to rate my fish in order of hardness.

The cock of the fish tank is Ian Beale the eel.

2nd toughest is the newly added angel fish that is white,yellow and black. I haven't named it yet which is rubbish on my behalf. He looks like a Jasper.

3rd hardest fish is the silver shark who is quite massive therefore I am surprised he is only 3rd. I'm lame at naming fish cos I just call him "the silver shark"

then its the 2 guramis(?) which are boring

and all level at the bottom the girls of the tank are Humbug the cat fish and the red nose tetras. All are weak and bobbins.

Work was amazingly quiet tonight. One can only assume that all the restaurants in town were full of couples enjoying comfortable silences. No, I'm not bitter - Valentines day couples always look to me like they don't talk much. Me, I neither sent or received any which I'm cool with - that means I am karmic ally balanced then, which can only be a good thing.

The new landlord or whatever of the Bate Hall was in, trying really hard to poach my Blind Tony. How rude. He gave him his business card (which was not in braille funnily enough) and kept telling him to come in for a pint and he would look after him. Much to Crowther's amusement I took this personally as if he was implying he was not looked after here. Anyway, he was a bit leathered so I will let it slip this time.

Congratulations to the Winehouse. I knew she would win it.

Have asked around- no one knows Christian Hill. But I am now inspired to write my own screenplay for a hollywood blockbuster. It will be about a girl who comes across a random blog and follows it for time. The blogs author will be telling loads of lies that the girl believes and becomes obsessed with and will end out doing the murders that the author pretends to do. Then they will accidentally meet somwehere and not know of thier connection, someother stuff will happen and then I will think of a fantastic ending. Very much a work in progress but I want Willem DaFoe and Keira Knightley to star. Cameo by R Kelly and erm, Russel Brand can play the child catcher, oh no, hang on...thats Chitty -chitty-bang-bang

SMALL WORLD

You know how sometimes, when you are bored and full of red bull with nothing else to do, you randomly flick through blogs. Well, after work I couldn't sleep and came across this incredibly long one about some man whos wife had left him. Now, it does go on a bit and I did scroll through quite alot. Anyway, seems he hired a private investigator to find out who his ex was now seeing and the guy lives down the road from me. Well, 252 Park Lane to be exact! Sounds like the author man lives near Sheffield. It goes on a bit but its quite insightful its http://diary-of-a-broken-man.blogspot.com/

by the way, I am calmer now than before.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

F***

C***

W***

S***

Despite me reporting the fraudulent activity on my paypal account and contacting the sellers - one of who said they were not going to take the money because they accepted it was fraud,- PayPal have still taken £155.99 and £161.80 out of my account making me now overdrawn. Now I know the bank wont charge me for this- cos they are nice people and even though the nice speaking irish lady who I eventually got through to at paypal after 11 minutes was sympathetic, I am still amazingly annoyed.

They acknowledge that I didnt buy them, apparentley its "not a problem " and the money will be refunded.
Not a problem?
Not a problem?

Well, actually IT IS A PROBLEM.
A GREAT BIG FAT HAIRY PROBLEM, WITH SCABS ON.

I would kind of like MY money in MY account and not spend all flipping day getting bank charges reversed and going aroung in circles in some dead end "press 1 if you would like to be sent to another menu that goes no fucking where".

TITS

Apparently it could take 5 days.

AARRGGGHHHHHHHH

And I was in such a good mood before all of this.

Bah!

ANOTHER DRINK ABSTINENCE

I am so inspired by Kay and Linds 37 days off the booze and so uninspired by my 1 and a half day hangovers that I am not drinking now until 25th.

I have pure work on cos my Dad and brother are off to Canada tomorrow leaving me to work more in the pub. There are loads of brewery dudes in on Monday who I need to charm to see if I can get a place on that Brussells trip in May. Its looking up, I have beaten my first target - selling 2021 gallons in 4 weeks. Thats 16168 pints...not bad ey? I am doing them a favour on Monday, which I will in turn be rewarded with a few cases of wine.Woo-hoo.

So if I lay off the booze I might get some work done, then I will reward myself with a few when I go to see the Winehouse on 25th. I am so excited, I love the Winehouse.

ITS NOT SO MUCH THE POSE....

...but the tongue that I find both disturbing and intreaguing.
This is Trevor, he was the other terams shooting instructor. They just asked him for a picture and he strook this remarkable pose. There is dirt up in them thar hills I tells ya.

10 BOXES OF TISSUES LATER

I am still full of snot.

In other news, was Y'arnolds birthday yesterday. To mark the occasion we all went shooting at Cloudside in the freezing cold. My fingers lost all colour. Well, the finger that I broke years ago did. It was good although I am not particually gifted in shooting. We wnet on that trap when they come from out if the top of the tree over your head. I like that one.

I'm waiting for Rick (yes you Rick) to send me the picture that one of the instructors posed for.It is surprisingly rude.

Then, last night after many magners and veuve I once again pushed the pool table into the corner, dimmed the lights and showed R Kelly, again on the big screen. This time I had a box of props for people if they wanted to use them. I had a plastic gun, Linds had a shower cap and spatula, Kay had a wig, there were other guns, cherry pie and a police light.I sang the whole thing. I think I need help with my closet addiction. I went into Manchester on Friday and asked in the poster place in Afflecks if they had a R Kelly poster. If you are looking for a R Kelly poster then dont look there. He laughed. I guess R Kelly isnt "cool".

Ended up in the rock and tried to drink gangsta's only they had no
grapefruit juice. I left after moaning how the music was shit. I dont like that scrawny kid that plays the records and dances like a knob with all the girls.He wouldnt play me any N.E.R.D.

Jeremy has just been to the vets and had his glands drained again. His sack is still a bit pink.Got to go back next week.

Well, Im off out for something to eat, dont know where.Somewhere out of Macc hopefully.

I TRIED MY HARDEST

It was busy, there was this old guy standing at the bar and I really needed a picture of him for the blog. I have never seen anything like it before. Actually, it made me really sad.

I had my phone turned to the camera and tried to snap it. My camera is rubbish however and it was to busy I never got chance. Then, the opportunity had gone. His cigarette had gone out.

You know how some smokers can have yellow fingers?

You know how some smokers can have yellow nails and fingers?

Well, this mans finger was actually burnt/burning on his Park Drive. It was black. Black as...well, black.Smoldering away and he didn't even know.

LeeNorth07
62b Lausanne Road
London
SE15 2JB

I know where you live.I kinow where you wont be getting your ipod and software delivered.

Admittably this wont make a blind bit of difference as I am neither nails nor a gangsta so you need not sleep with one eye open.

However, I have been known to drink tequila with grapefruit juice - arguably two of the hardest drinks going therefore be a little scared

yeah mon
*throws clicks of fingers in the air*
bbrruuuupt.

PAINPAL

Man, its past 1am, I really do not need any of this fraud malarchy. I have got some of it refunded already, I think the rest will be done tomorrow, well I hope so anyway.

Such a pain in the arse.

HELP

Im seething, I just came upstairs to find my paypal account is being used by someone else on ebay and they are buying loads of stuff, its up to £317.79 already

How the hell?

IT WAS THE GYM

Well, the pool to be exact. I was fine until I went swimming in that germ ridden place. I figured it out when I was mopping this morning. I never went to the gym for the whole of last year, cos of those long hair extentions I had. I wasn't ill or coldy all last year. Yet everytime I can think of when I have had a cold I have been going to the gym (cos you cant go when you feel under the weather) what a waste of money.

Bah, Im signed up now until I leave. I'm going to be like Monk or Gillian McKeith and wipe everything first before I use it. Mind you, aren't you supposed to that already.

That picture of me in the urinals is on page 3 of the paper. Its not a good photo, but then they never are Its here What an unfortunate angle with a full chin count of four.
The Manchester Evening News have just been on the phone. Surely they cant be interested in the pennies in the urinal story I thought.
No... They have just got wind of the town redevelopement and my saving of the pub. Macclesfield coughs then Manchester sneezes...its something like that isn't it Crowther? Well, I think hes going to do something about it but I told him he should concentrate on my poor neighbours who are going to lose their houses and no one has put anything about them in the paper. Im going to drop something through their letterboxes now. Who knows...maybe I could save the whole of Roe Street before I leave after all.

On the Canada front, its -27 oC today. BRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Jeremy is at the vets for a check up at 5, his ass is looking better, thank for the concern x

THE PYJAMAS THAT GAVE ME FLU

My Mom took me to that factory shop in Congleton when I was about 12. There were these bargin priced pyjama/jogging suit things in terry towel. She bought me a red pair and a blue pair. They werent great but ok. As soon as I put on the red pair I became really ill. Well, flu ill. I was in bed for a few days. Then, I am not joking but when I went to wear them a few weeks later I got all poorly again. They had been washed and everything. They were definatley cursed. I made her burn them.

Sorry, I was just remembering that as I feel like shite today. I have just had a bath and put on these new pyjamas that my Mom got me for christmas. They are the same kind of red. Coincidence? Well yes, obviously! Sounds like it could be the plot for a really bad tv horror movie. "The Curse of the Congleton Pyjama" or "When Pyjamas Kill" (if I hadn't have figured out they were possessed, you never know, they could have killed me).

Well, I have swapped my shift with the fantastically lovely and flexible Liz so I can just go to bed.I think by tomorrow my voice will have totally dissappeared leaving me free to do some dirty phone line work as I will probably have that Honour Blackman thing going on.

I saw my old biology teacher in Tescos. She rolled her trolley up to me and asked me when we were going to Canada. What? Dont know how she knew, she usually ignores me. Shes a nice lady, scared me shitless at school. She never liked me cos my skirts were too short and I didnt wear a blazer. She said she liked Canada. It reminded her of pre-thatcher Britain. I didn't know what to do with that one so I just laughed. It was obvious I didnt have a clue what she was on about!

Oh, and Rob, if you are reading....dont worry about your broken pen problem. I have sorted it. Prepare to be very impressed.

A YEAR AGO TOMORROW

Was my last alien encounter. Do you remember?I wonder if she will be back.

I have just read my old oyster selling quote of
"Would you like to buy an oyster? They make your cock hard".

Sales of the shellfish have been low of late on a Friday so I think I will go back to that campaign. It was a winner.

Incidentally I am upset that no one took me up on my challenge of making the text reading lady shock me with rude stuff. Very dissappointed. God, you try to get a bit of interaction going and what happens? Surely you cant all be working hard.

HA HA HA

Kokigami!

I just sent it to my landline.

Its still funny!

Im going to the bank now, if anyone is bored then send me rude landline text messages to 01625 437007 at 4.30. I will judge them and the winner will get a prize. You have half an hour people.

ITS NOT FAIR

Why wont silk fm play with me?

My alarm clock is tuned in to go off at 7am. I didnt have to get up straight away so I lay and listened to the silly thing. They played that dreadful comic relief song by Sugarbabes (who I quite like) and Girls Aloud (who we have now established I hate.)

Then they rabbited on about all the turkeys that got gases and shipped to somewhere near Leek. They asked for people to ring in with there views on the gassing of birds. I texted them "They should have gassed them Girls Aloud birds, it would have saved us from that awful song" and waited for them to read out the text number. They didnt so I just sent it to the landline.

That then reminded me of how much fun it is to text rude stuff for the landline text reader to say so I threw them a few classics about how "106.9 made my nipples hard" and got the woman to say things that needed looking up like

Botulinonia (female masturbation utilising a sausage that is often heated or lubricated)

Rantallion (a man whose scrotum hangs lower than his penis)

and the ever classic.....

Kokigami (the japanese art of wrapping a penis in a paper costume)

and can you believe they didnt even mention me. Im switching to Galaxy. Consider yourself with one less listener Silk Fm. Im bored of their Pete Doherty bashing anyway.

BEAGLE BUM

(as I like to sing to the tune of Blurs "Beetle Bum")

Just been to the vets. All is well and only cost £49. He gave it a bit of a squeeze, administered an injection, gave me some tablets and cream for his ruby red bollocks. I called them "testicles" when I pointed out their shocking colour, the vet chose "scrotum" which made me feel like I used the wrong word.

But, the shame of it. I can see myself in The Sun already on the "Overweight Pets" page. Yes, the beagle is a porker. 10lb over weight.10lb?! thats bloody loads You would think that after all the day time tv I have watched I wouldn't be a feeder, but I am. Oh, the shame.

I went out after work last night and drank guinness in Kusch with Rob who fixes aeroplanes.Apparentley they use normal sized spanners not giant ones like I imagined they would do. I must have been dehydrated in my sleep cos I had one of those dehydration dreams.You know the ones.... I walked on to this platform where this man gave me and another competitor a big pint of ice cold coke. I drank mine first, then had another and therefore won the "who can drink a pint of coke the fastest competition" that I was competing in.

I do quite like Beyonce's latest song but she needs to stop winging about how she pays for everything.

It annoys me.

You would have thought she'd have learnt her lesson after she griped on about it in Bills,Bills,Bills and Independant Woman.

DONT DO IT BENSON....DON'T JUMP

Seems Jeremy's bad ass if making Benson contemplate suicide.

I have tried to talk him down but its not working.

A jumbone didn't tempt him, Tesco value ham wouldn't coax him away from the edge. Does he not know its the not the answer?

I have told him how hard it will be on the ones he leaves behind.

"Its far from painless, regardless what The Manic Street Preachers told you" I cried, but hes still there.

On the plus side, I can go up and down the stairs easier now he has come away from the door!

HES BAD,BAD,BAD ASS

DOG BUM UPDATE

Things are moving fast.....

Yesterday it was pinkish,

Last night it was red and swollen,

This morning he wouldn't move,

Then he chew at it, it burst and bled.

Now he is running aroung happy as anything but rubbing it on the floor everynow and again. Its oozing puss and smells. It really smells, I'm zoflora-ing everywhere, febreeze bottles in both my hands, like some sort of cleaning spiderman.I have taken a picture of the swelling and puss and will post it when I think everyone has had their breakfast.

But now I have another worry. Benson (whos ass is in working order) has gone mental. I think he knows Jeremy is ill and it has freaked him out. He just runs to the bottom of the stairs and sits there and wont move.

Tell me please anyone reading this who has two dogs, if one is ill does the other one act weird?

ERGH

Now its burst and hes bleeding. My poor fella, he looks all sad. Looks like I'll be staying in tonight and bathing the beagles bum.

JEREMY IS NOT VERY WELL

I noticed his bum was looking a bit red yesterday. Well, this morning it is all swollen and he doesn't want to walk.

So, I marche dto 24hr Tescos for something, anything...I was thinking dewormer as he is due some only it was closed.]

Mr Tesco, Dont put big signs up saying that the shop is 24hr when it is closed at 8.30am on a Sunday. It upsets already upset people.

So I walked home, stressing my self out how its obviously cancer and hes going to die (you know, worst case senario...like you do) and consulted the internet vet....

(I will of course go to a real vet tomorrow, but I am less woried. It looks like a swollen anal gland. There are very worrying instructions about how to 'express' the gland. But I aint doing that.See here.

THE PORTERS HALL OF FAME

I was told by lots of different people last nigt that apparently Michael Eavis was in the pub a few weeks ago. I didn't know this, I find it hard to believe cos you'd have thought that if he was in it could only be to deliver me free back stage passes to this years Glastonbury. Needless to say I do not have such a thing.

Well, it got me to thinking of who has been in here who is famous...here is all I can remember (in no particular order)

Frank Sidebottom
Michael Eavis
Roy Cropper from Corronation Street
Peter Crouch
Mr Methane
Mutley
Drummer from Jethro Tull
Chris Boddington
Mark Williams (which was nice!)
Billys mate from Holland who was the first person to win Big Brother in Holland
Stuart from Big Brother


Come on, who am I missing? Im sure we have had more than that. Can anyone else remember anyone?

Last night I convinced Marlow to have a Tequila Red Eye.

Instructions.....

1. Snort the salt
2. Neck the Tequila
3. Squirt the lime juice in your eye.

Drunk people really will do anything.

IN ALL MY YEARS....

of media whoredom today must have been the worst.

The Macc Express came to do a story on the money in the urinal. They took a picture of me leaning on a urinal next to "up your nose Ray" (who funnily enough looks up your nose when you talk to him) kneeling next to a coin filled urinal whilst flicking a coin in to the 3rd urinal.It will look worse than it sounds.

I believe the word Im looking for is "E'gad"

Somehow it seems I might be going on a date on Sunday with a very patient Scottish man that I know. I should go but I bet I cancel cos I am rubbish. We shall see once I sober up.

PUPPIES

Dogs, not tits.

Liz has a Bassett Hound puppy that Marlow gave her cos his wife didn't want it. Shes very cute but Jeremy doesn't like her. Like totally dude.

Annie brought her extremely cute old man puppy in last night, her shoes that matched his lead. Very Annie! I brought down the hound and again Jezza was unimpressed. How have I brought up a puppy hater? He is very good though and just stood still whilst Gus pawed at his head, I fear if it was Benson then he'd have eaten him.

I have just eaten 3 boxes of microchips. My god they are awful. I think they will be making a re apeareance shortly. Which reminds me, the Karen Carpenter story was on channel 5 the other day. I love that movie.



For a reason I dont know, but I suspect Claire probably had something to do with it, I texted Paul last night, it was quite rude. Wish I hadn't have done that now. Anyway, he says he'll come over and see me before I leave the country. I think that will be ok, closure or bullshit, whatever you call it.

OMG

Wine on a Wednesday, why oh why oh why?

After spending hours this morning looking for my keys I rang Claire to ask her if she remembered how we got in last night, or more importantly did she remember which set of keys I had. Unlikely as like me she didn't know if we came through the front or the back door. For some reason we ended up in her shop with the beagle and wine singing and dancing to Beyonce. Im sure that was a treat for anyone driving down Churchill Way in the early hours of the morning. Any way turns out she had taken the keys home with her.

So I walked down to meet her half way and retreave my keys. Now, I dont know if you have been down London Road/Cross Street of late but they have dug half of it up. Even though there are traffic lights there they have set up some temporary ones aswell and for some reason they have a man there, manning the extra traffic lights. I dont know why cos they seem to work fine by themselves, maybe its incase they break down.

Glynn was in the othet night saying how his work at the moment is boring. I think hes paint stripping or something. I told him about the man whose job it is to look after the traffic lights which work all by themselves and how that must be the most boring job ever so he should count himself lucky. He agreed. Well, after walking past him this morning (he now has a chair) I noticed he has been joined by another, hardly a two man job I'd have thought