FULL REPORT TO FOLLOW.....

But in the meantime, guess who I saw in London on Sunday?

(and someone else who I cant place at the moment)

ALL PACKED AND READY

i like this not working on Friday night malarchy.

Got a parcel today. Yup, I've been interweb purchasing again. Sang Som and 10 bottles of Thai red bull...well, the fake red bull.....not paying all that again! So I have warned the ladies to be very scared cos Im taking the bucket making material to the hotel. Me and Claire had one before we went out in Manchester once. I walked right in to a cyclist and de-cycled him. Still, not my fault.

The Johnson asked me to go to Buxton last night to see the Levellers. I couldn't really justify another night off so I said no. Sounded a right laugh though and now Im regretting it. She got me a c.d as a present and walked in to their dressing room after for them to sign it for me. "Sorry, Im a right cheeky cunt...." says Claire and gets them signed. Seems they were all up for coming back as the boys were doing "knob all", but I guess Macc was just to far.That was my 2nd near Levellers lock in in the pub.....3rds a charm!

Well, I best walk the hounds before I trot off on my boozeathon. Seemingly we are off to a bar made of ice. Bbbbrrrrr-iliant!

Laters.

FYI

I would have no problem getting rid of £4o,ooo,ooo.

HOUSE PRICES SOAR IN MACCLESFIELD

It is with great delight that I bring you news of how the quality of life in Macclesfield just improved 10 fold.

Ladies and Gentlemen....

I give you....

Yes, I am now a Fruli stockist. At the risk of seeming to come across wrong, I sampled a bottle for breakfast upon delivery at 9am (for sampled read : drank a whole one). Beautlful. Im off now to join my morning drinking buddies on the benches in South Park for 3l of warm white lightning......

No, those days have gone.

This weekend could possibly be the bestest one EVER. Im off daan Landan Taarn with Kay and Linds. Meeting up with his royal cockneyness Paul and his mates tomorrow then, joy of joys, watching The Violent Femmes at Shepherds Bush Empire on Sunday. I last saw them back in the day....I well fancied John Whitehead and offered him a ticket as I had a spare. But he was only 15 and didnt think his Mum would let him go to London with a sixth former (it was at the Royal Albert Hall). He of course didnt say this at the time. He went all cool and said he was doing something else. It was only after we went out with each other that he admitted the truth.

KFM (104.9) had just packed in and Jon Ronson (who did my favourite show, then Craig Cash)was there. I recongnised him and we had a chat.

Our tickets were rubbish ones up in the Gods so we made a bid to get to the front. I made it through security but Pames and Jill did not and shouted me back. I was fuming. So I established a 'everyman for themselves ' rule and tried again. I am happy to say that we all made it to the front which was ultra sweaty. Then we had to drive back. This was back before Red Bull was invented and as I sat in the front James made me stay awake and talk to him so he didnt fall asleep. This was the hardest thing I have ever done....as anyone that knows me is aware of my narcaleptic tendancies.

SPIDER UPDATE

Its gone.
I am very afraid.

Why did I not act sooner and destroy it? As if it would die.....
I am so rubbish.

Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish.

Dear Makers of Femodene and other contrceptive pills,

Is there any chance that you could add some chemicals to the last few pills in my monthly pack that would take away the want/need for me to eat all things chocolate/pastry/bread and cake like.If they can put a man on the moon and all my records on a little white pod then I am sure in this day and age it is possible.

If however what my body is telling me is true (Cath3rines conspiracy theory of the day coming up...) can you not put in the chemicals that make me want to eat such food stuff at this time. I am aware that cadbury or mr kipling have slipped you a substantial sum to mess with my mind and body in this way but really...its not helping.

Yours ever hopeful,
Cath3rine.

SPIDER UPDATE...

Its still there. Hopefully, if it ever comes down to floor level then the beagle will eat it. He eats everything else after all (celery and firelighters this morning).
Personally, I think that the spider is dead. Like the people that get moved out of houses by cranes on Maury Povich...I think its become too big that it died. Heart attack probably. I'll post it to Quincy "welcome to the fascinating world forensic science"of M.D at ITV2 to do a post mortem. Then I can meet him at Dannys later at discuss the case over meatballs and Coors.....oh, hang on. That's telly...not Macc.

CONGRATULATIONS to my very bestest mate Miss Heyes who has got engaged to the lovely Mr Chris Cooper. Its the best thing I've heard, ever! I must admit to being slightly disappointed as it was always my dream for her to marry the piss-can Dave Hall and go all double barreled with her surname and become Mrs Heyes-Hall (and then in Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter Dynasty style marry a Mr Disco...who I have yet to meet) and become Mrs Claire Heyes-Hall-Disco! (I don't know if any of you ever went to Heyes Hall Disco on the Weston as a kid...it were grand!)

Or, she could always have got hitched to the 'touched by God' Tommy Whalley of Macc (who got healed by a Jehovahs Witness at work one day) and be Mrs Whalley-Heyes. Then she could go on to marry a Mr CarPark (who I have also yet to meet) and be Mrs Whalley-Heyes -CarPark. (None of this will make any sense to you readers from out of Macclesfield...I apologies)

As it happens I think she has made the right decision and marry for love and not for my want of having a mate with a surname worse than mine.
Oh, and Im gonna get to be a bridesmaid. Fingers crossed I wont have to make a speech (cos you know it will be as shite as the drivelled I have just written!)

Anyway, needs must and Im off to Tescos....

Laters.

DEAR SMOKERS....

I dont want to get all Martin Luther King on your ass, but I had a dream....

Ok, although you are all silly for killing yourselves slowly, stink and look stupid (hark at the ex-smoker! its been 4 years in March I tell thee) I have thought of a way I can accomodate your minging habit in the future at Porters.....
















Imagine if you will we block up under the fire escape(so I can keep all the shit there) and make the back door open the other way. Then we move the boiler outside into the corner. Knock a hig arch at the bottom wall where the John Eales and Martin Johnson shirts are. Have a nice big glass door (tiffany stlye). Put another arch where the stained glass window is. Pave the outside in the terracotta tiles that are in front of the bar. Kit it out with an awning and those heat lights. Shelf all the walls with high stools (a la Temple Bar in Dublin). Stick in some big high posing tables, a few pictures on the wall and hey presto, a smoking area.

I may not be able to do archetect quality plans but I dare say its a plan close to genius

ARRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

I know, its massive.

My mind isnt what it used to be. I just got up to get my A4 diary. Between getting up from my desk in the office to walking to the door I had forgotten what I was doing and ended up making myself 2 poppadoms (for breakfast, I know....its wrong).

Just as well I had this lapse in concentration or else I may never had spotted this monster in the kitchen.
Bad news is...I hate spiders. I mean I HATE THEM.
Worse news is...I cant kill it (too big for my vaccum cleaner me thinks)
But, as Im all happy and loved up I cant help but see the good side of situations these days, therefore....
Good news is...It doesnt matter that I have knocked slimming world on the head as I dont need it now I ovbviously wont be going in to my kitchen ever again. I'll be down to 10 stone in no time ( I realise the poppadom breakfast is not a good way towards weight loss.)

All is well.

....how long do spiders live for by the way? 

TERRYWORLD

In August to celebrate Zoes 30th we went down to Brighton on the lash. God, why did I ever move from there? Twas truely awesome.
Randomly on the Saturday night after I tried to see how close to the sea I could get by leaning towards it on my knees (I of course fell in....duh!) we found a blow up doll on the beach...



He was christened Terry as the resembelance to Mr Wogan was uncanny...

Terry brought us hours of fun and mysteriously disappeared from the seafront where we left him...

Then, whilst walking through the North Laines the day after, after I stocked up on Porn Socks from the Porn Sock Shop (very kinky!) we spyed a book in a shop window called Terryworld. Random but it made sense!

So, whilst planning what to get the Arnold for her birthday I thought back to the Terryworld book.Unsure of its contents I looked for it on Amazon and bought it anyway. Imagine my delight when I got it and had a sneaky peek inside to discover that Terryworld is infact proper hardcore filth. Cocks, clits and everything. Its proper the best book Ive seen. Seems trailer park trash Terry is now the dahling of the fashion world and whos work is very much in demand. Particular favourite shots of mine are the penis in the Manolo, Terry going down on a bird making him look like hes got a big tash (Me and Paul recreated this jem...he looks very mexican...and french!), The one of the underpants with guns on and a massive cock sticking out....oh, I could go on and on. His website is www.TerryRichardson.com Ive looked and it only has a few of the tamer pics on, spermy tits, a random Pharrell (fwoargh) and the like but I would recommend everyone gets themselves one for their coffee table.
Its inspired me no end.If I could get the pic off my phone I would share the one of me with massive aviators on , fake tash with my norks out. (I treated Paul to a Cat does Terryworld fest last week, ended a bit trashy and readers wives like but I was in stitches all day!

On the cockney front by the way, all is well. He came to stay last night and I am delighted to inform you all we are now officially using the L word. Im telling you, we are so cute it would make you sick. Hes down in London again now but I am expecting flowers tomorrow or there is no more naked accordian concerts for him again (how hammered was I last night?) I showed him what I got him for valentines day, only hes not allowed to use it until later....always leave em wanting more!

As for me, Im moonlighting at the Drum and Monkey tomorrow.Should be cool. 

IF I'D HAVE LEFT FIVE MINUTES EARLIER THEN....

....I would have bumped in to Hailey in town and could have confronted her about the Wednesday riot.

I went to the RBS and tied the hounds outside. I kept glancing over at them atfer the Tesco incident* (which I suppose I will admit to being my fault) but anyway... I saw Claire Heyes out side with the muts but I still had to wait for Celia to find me £20 in 5ps... Then I saw someone else out side with Claire and the dawgs...der-der-derrr, it was only little miss fights-a-lot Hailey but I couldnt leave the bank lady. I didnt know if Claire knew about Wednesday, but then I figure Macc is Macc so she probably did...I was sure she would keep her talking.

As soon as I picked up my change I made it outside just as Hailey had scarpered. Claire said Hailey said nothing of Wednesday but when she found out I was in the bank she soon looked at her watch, made excuses and did one. Please, for the love of god dont tell me I will have to haul my non gym loving ass all the way down to JJB around 4pm(which is the only place I always bump into her.Well, before my high maintenance hair extentions were installed and I used to fanny arse around down there. Its been awhile.

But onwards and upwards. Its theArnold'ss birthday tomorrow and I get to give the gift I want to share with you so much... Yesterday I spent the day sending the cockney boy phone photos of me inspired from said gift (filthywhoree that I am). Lets hope they never get used for bad and are only used for good. Nothing too dirty, it was all very arty I tells thee.

Well, An oyster peddling I must go. I got 50 today, it'll be a breeze.


*The Tesco incident: After a drunken night at chez foster I went back to the pub (bouncing off walls on the way) took Benson to Tescos and tied him outside whilst I went in to buy breakfast making material forMessrss Foster and Smith as a present (as well as a bribe to persuade him to return my trainers which he had stolen). Now I dont usually take DCI Benson to Tescos as it is only 50 fairy steps from my house but I was going to Billys via Tescos . Only I forgot this (come on, I was smashed still) So I left Tescos to go home and pick up the dog. Shouted at Lindsay who had obviously let him run away.....a few minutes of this passed until I remembered - the boy was at Tescos. So I pegged it over there only to find a woman walking off with him, worried as he had obviously been abandoned. ABANDONED? It may have been 5-10 minutes but for the love of God...lets not blow things out of proportionn. Anyway, that my friends was the Tesco incident.

LOST DAYS...

OK, so its Thursday. Apologies to Miss Chiarella over in Sydney for my rubbishness at keeping this up to date. But really, there hasn't been much going on.

Tuesday... Paul picked me up at 8am (yikes) and we drove to Stevenage. Yes, I know it sounds more than random but hes working down there this week. Only on Tuesday he felt like swinging the lead (or whatever that skiving saying is) so we proceeded to drink Stevenage dry. I myself did impressively well and had about 12 magners and plenty of vodka. We stayed in a premier lodge, very Alan Partridge.
I got the train back in the morning to be greeted with my wonderful new wellies which I promptly donned and strutted around Macc avec le chiens. Oh la la.
Worked the massive amount of 3 hours on the bar then went to Congleton with the birds Linds and Kay. Had an alarming call of Annion telling me of the riot that had broken out. God damn that Hayley, shes a ruff one.

It is only 2 days to go before I can share Linds birthday present with you (there is a website!). All will make sense but it has been responsible for me sending many wrong picture messages to Paul, as the gift has inspired us so. Watch this space.

Finally, it is champagne Friday tomorrow and I am proper excited. Infact, I must go and pre-order my oysters now. It will be immense.

CAPTAINS LOG STARDATE 06/02/06

Just another random Monday on Roe Street. As I look out of my window this morning I see what appears to be an alien on a fag break....











Anyway.....

Yesterday whilst cleaning I came up with a corker.... Annie, if you are reading this then be calm when I tell you that I think I know how I can net you the wellies.....

Introducing CHAMPAGNE FRIDAYS at Porters.

On Fridays customers will be able to buy raffle tickets for £1 each. After every 30 tickets sold we make a draw and the winner wins a bottle of champagne. Draws will take place all day. The winning tickets will be displayed behind the bar until the bubbly is claimed.
Then as a bonus....
If you were to buy 6 oysters you automatically get 3 free tickets to the next draw...increasing your odds.
Am I or am I not a genius?