WHEN I HAVE MORE RANDOM PICTURES

More randoms....

After much deliberation I have decided that this is my favourite grain elevator. It was the yellow and red one but I prefer the shape of this one
Then, whilst out walking Jeremy decided to chase some guy and his kid on a skidoo (?)
which did look like fun
I cant do the outsid ehere any justice without a wide angled lense, looks a bit like the moon dont you think?

WHEN THE BEAGLE HAS LANDED

You can just make him out in the distance

Here is the little fella coming down the runway.....

We even found a plane

WHEN I ONLY HAVE PORT

See, I got my strongbow.

Had a few in the bar on Friday, they were playing Deal or No Deal and Nikki won the $1000.

Stongbow is back in stock again, so all is well.

Today however I am wanting a cheeky vimto, only I can not find Blue WKD anywhere. It is a year today since we all got ridiculously twatted on Cheeky V's and rang up all the R.Kelly's in the South Manchester phone book at 11.30 at night. I was going to toast the occasion. Oh well, neat Port will have to do.

900+ tv channels and my brother is choosing to watch Beverley Callard and Simon Gregson sing "Sweet Child Of Mine" ????
I ask you!

(Oh, hang on...he's turned it over now thank god)

WHEN I'M MORE PEPA THAN SALT

Is it just me or has anyone else been watching the Salt n Pepa show on MTV?

I proper loved Salt 'n Pepa back in the day. I had A Salt With A Deadly Pepa on CD, until my brother lent it to Keith O'Brien at school. Not the whole thing....no, just the CD leaving the case at home which is worse.
This pissed me off for two reasons,
1. It meant I thought I still had it until I went to play it one day
2. I knew there was fat chance of me ever getting it back.

(He also did this with my Pixies Surfer Rosa and various others.)
I did get my revenge though, I bought him his favourite movie on DVD (The Jerk) then gave it to someone to "borrow", needless to say he never saw it again and had to buy a pirate off Smithy.

Anyway, back to Salt 'n'Pepa.

I remember taping all their videos off the Chart Show on Saturday mornings on my video mix tape (how much fun was it doing that? Especially when it was the Indie Chart. These kids today have it too easy with itunes I tells ya!) and learning the dance moves in my front room.

Well now Salt is a god botherer and Pepa is still a good time lovin gal wanting to perform again. Only miserable old Salt isn't keen, wont sing Push It or Lets Talk About Sex because they are too rude and are not about "where she is right now". Now I know Salt did most of the singing but I wouldn't mess with Pepa, fcuk - she looks like one hard be-atch.

So, if there was a gay Facebook application where you had to do a crappy quiz about crap and it was called "Are you Salt or Pepa" I for one would be Pepa. God damn Salt ruining all the fun.Spinderella kick it up one time.

In other none MTV/80's girl band news....

Jeremy is on a mission to yellow all the snow. Never has a dog pissed so much, well he does still have his wedding tackle although they shrink right up and disappear when hes out. (-15oC temperature fact fans). We live just behind the 'airport' so he gets walked mostly along the 'runway'. Check it soon on Google Earth if they update it with winter pictures, it will be the long yellow road of pissy snow.Might even look like a mini Great Wall of China.

I'm using the *does quote signs with her fingers* because I don't think its in operation. Well, I haven't seen any planes land on it and the blue shed at there has a For Sale Sign on it. Airport anyone?

WHEN I HAVE TO AMMEND SOMETHING I WROTE EARLIER

To clarify.....

Everyone here does lock their door.
People don't leave their cars running with the keys in.

I'd hate for here to be a crime hot spot because of anything i MAY HAVE WRITTEN BEFORE.

(god damn that Caps lock again)

It should have read....

I have never lived in a town where everyone was so security conscience as this.
Everybody here has burglar alarms, hungry dogs and guns.

GLAD i (DAMN) cleared that one up.

WHEN GOALS ARE SET.

Following last nights drunken ramblings I am already working on my News Years Resolutions. I have never really done them before but as I have a new life now I'm going to.

oNE WILL BE TO STOP GOING ON ABOUT SHIT AND WRITE SOME HALF INTERESTING/AMUSING POSTS LIKE i USED TO.

The other will to be to look at the screen when I'm typing, then I might notice when the caps lock is on.

WHEN IM DRUNK BUT TALK-A-TIVE (and go on a lot about nothing)

Ok, Merry Christmas. Its 00:21 so the time is *counts on her fingers* 06:22 UK time. Merry Christmas you all. xxx

I am a little bit more up beat today than I was before. Yes, I miss home and all my friends. Being single and 33 (in 10 days time), unemployed, without a driving licence in a small town and living with your parents can do something to a girls self esteem. Its awful. I've been better.

The job I left back in June was my life, I made that pub. I'm now lacking an identity because as much I I resented it it was me. All my own work.

Now, I'm living in a town (which is lovely and full of brilliant people by the way, best you'll ever meet) with nothing to do, wondering if I did the right thing. It doesn't feel like it at the minute but I'm sure it is, I knew it would be hard.

Fancy some stats?
I couldn't sleep last night so I looked them up...

You can fit England in to Saskatchewan 5 times.
Saskatchewan has about 1 million people living in it.
England has 50 million people living in it.
The town where I live has about 400 in it.
So the ratio of people in Macc to here is 375/1
I cannot think of anywhere near Macc as small as that.
The nearest big town (its a city FYI) is 40mins down the road, its got less people in it than Biddulph (without having the joys of of Congers and S-O-T.) But it has loads of stuff - even an airport!

But, its brilliant. there are no bad people. No one locks their doors at night ,you can go to the shops and leave your car running with the keys in. Everybody looks out for everybody and they are all really happy. Quite unlike Macc.

I'm just waiting till it feels like home.

But I miss lots about Macc......
(In no particular order)

I miss Claire, Claire, Crowther, Kay and Lindsey
I miss the POW and all the customers
I miss winding up MKB and Blind Tony.
I miss poppadoms (they are unheard of around here)
I miss Diet Kick
I miss Sailor Jerry
I miss Yang Sing
I miss Primark

I wish I had done more stuff....
I wish I enjoyed every minute and taken more photos.
I wish I had brought more of my stuff with me
I wish I didn't moan about lots and slag off most of everything.
I wish I had broke into the subway under the train station like I said I would.
I wish I met Mr Taylor 2 years ago, cos I still think he's proper 'bo.
I wish I got Marisa the Kenny baby off t'net like I planned to for Christmas.
I wish I went out on my last day in Macc instead of sitting in getting upset about how I would miss everything and everyone.
I wish I have been more interested in everyone insted of taking them for granted.
I miss pretendin to fit carpets, Marlow is really good at what he does, I should have tried harder and learnt more. Then I might actually have a skill that I could use.

I could go on but apparently regrets, you should not have a few...."but then again, too few to mention...."

Shit, I'm singing when I'm typing, that can only be bad and a sign of needing to go to bed.

This year I have bought o (that's zero) presents.
I'm expecting 0 (again, zero)back.
Come new year (and my birthday just after incidentally) I am going finally try and sort out the iphone Kay and Linds got for me and order myself a whole lot of stuff from Lush.
I have totally not done Christmas this year and apart from the snow it doesn't feel like it and I like it that way. Well, for this year at least.

Christmas Day this year will be the first Christmas Day I haven't worked for 17 years. It might mean more if I wasn't unemployed. What a shame....after all this time its wasted on me.

But I shall not wallow in my self pity any more.

I am sure it will get better for me.

I really don't think anyone reads this anymore but Merry Christmas to you any way......

WHEN I HATE TO...........

But yes, I admit it, I want to go home. I know I talked my family into moving here and I brought my dog and everything but I think I want to go home. I think Im missing out on stuff and Im fed up of doing nothing. No, I do....I really want to go home.

WHEN BEAGLES WEAR SNOW SOCKS

Did I mention the dog socks I got from Dollarama (Thats a half price 50p poundland to you and me?) Well, what with it being bloody freezing out here and with Jezza being a bit nesh like me I got him some. I just took him out across the back but I didn't make it that far at all. Much colder than of late. I got back home and checked, its only -15. Felt colder than that.

WHERE THE PEGGY BABCOCK DID THE AUDIO GO?

I don't remember where we had been this Sunday to get in this state. Its a bit blurry, I was mistakingly thinking everything that I did was hilarious. It was sometime this summer...was is after the crcket match in Kerridge? I think it might have been. Any hoo, I have just found this gem of Kay reading out all the bands that were playing somewhere in the style of Peggy Peggy Babcock, Babcock Peggy (from Razzamatazz if you remember it?) Only because i have all the technological know-how talents of a Junior Three teacher who fails to get the big TV and video working on the non-uniform-film-watching last day of term, I have failed to have the sound on...which after all was the lost important element.

WHEN ITS NICE TO BE THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY

It's currently 7.20am which means its 1.20pm in Macc and you know what day it is don't you? Yep, it's Mad Friday*........and I couldn't be happier not being a part of it. It has to be even worse now, what with the smoking population of the POW having to stand out in the yard. I think by this time last year we had already ran out of Corona and I had de-spewed the toilets about twice. I'm glad I no longer have to throw out drunks and wrestle with three times more booze than would ever fit in the cellar. I had 8 nightmare runs at it. None of them were fun.

Saying that, I'm still doing bugger all at the moment. It is doing my head in, it is as well, I have had a headache for 2 days now....and I don't usually suffer from them. Hopefully next year I will be somewhere between the two, between working like a twat and lazing about like a bum.

I'm still hanging out for some deep snow,its been white here for a few weeks but I'm wanting the 10 feet deep stuff. I believe it is the first day of winter tomorrow, as long as its not -30 again.

It's Deal Or No Deal in the bar tonight so I'll be heading out as the rest of Macclesfield are throwing up and fighting all over town

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Mad Friday- a vile spew filled phenomenon. The apocalyptic like day when the whole of Macc and Bollington (usually made up of the ones who cannot handle their drink) finish work earky and go out around town on a massive bender to see who they can be sick on or fight with. Usually every pub holds 15 times its capacity of customers who travel around in groups which usually have at least one under 16 with them that looks pasty and likely to pass out at any minute.
Because the pubs are full of non-regulars, there are at least two people in there at any one given time that you know hate each other and will do battle so you spend your time subtly moving in between people like you were doing the 'fox,hen,grain across the river' exercise from school.
People who cant walk let alonestand up with out falling on someone bring in and attempt to eat chips,subways and pizza from take-a-way's but instead spill it all over the floor.
At least 80 glasses will accidentally be broken.You will never find a seat, the toilets stink of piss, there are empty small licked out plastic bags all over thefloor and the pavements are slippy due to the incredible amount of chunder that covers the town.


Enjoy it Macclesfield, I'll be thinking of you!

WHEN MY SANITY HAS BEEN SAVED

Now don't get me wrong, you know how I am a massive fan of the shittingly awful Trapped in the Closet. Well, with no tv working in the house at the minute and with only Chapters 1-22 of Trapped in my possession I was about to go mad. Surely nobody has watched it as much as I, and even I cant watch it all the time.

Thankfully my Uncle just bobbed around with some films to watch.

So I may not be fully mental tomorrow.

WHEN.....OW, IT HURTS TO TYPE

Maybe the bar in town selling cider is a bad thing after all. I got trollied last night.
God, I am proper rough today.

I took Jeremy for a wander through town today and ended up on the swings. He does not understand swings, then again... I must not either. I went on one, lent right back on it, he walked in to my head then my hair got covered in snow.

I climbed up the ariel tower outside to see if I could make it work. I couldn't, but I didn't fall from it so thats a good thing I suppose.

There is fat chance of me going anywhere today, my head gives me grief if I move

I've felt better.

Its rubbish not having a tv, I've read out all the football and racing results to my Dad and Lindsay now I'm bored.

Me and Lindsay are trying to figure out how we can change Dads name on the phone so it comes up saying "Cat Bum Sniffer" on tha caller id, but as yet we haven't figured out how to do it.

WHEN THERE ARE MORE HERE

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=22658&l=665b6&id=573650247

WHEN I ONLY HAD TIME TO DO THREE. THEY ARE THE FINDINGS FROM MY WALK I PROMISED WEEKS AGO

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=22657&l=5899f&id=573650247

Bollocks to it, its taking too long. I'll see if I can stick em on facebook

WHEN WIRELESS IN NICKED

I'm having to import pictures one at a time....God damn having to sit on the settee in the corner of the house cribbing off the neighbours poor wireless signal (with anyluck ours will be connected on Wednesday next week!)

I've 'lost' 9 photos already. Its taking an age too.

WHEN BLOGGER LETS ME POST PICTURES. FINALLY

Ok, picture time. This seems so long ago now as we've have snow for over 2 weeks.

This is my Uncles farm where I was staying.

WHEN SHES ELECTRIC

I keep getting static electric shocks off everything, especially the dog.

What is all that about?

WHEN IT STILL HURTS

My leg is still griving me grief after the fall (that I dont remember) on Saturday night. Bugger. I think I twised my knee and sprained my ankle, its all swollen and angry looking.

Luckily as I have nowt to do it means I can just rest it. But I really want to get some sort of excercise, its weird doing nothing all day. On Monday I wrapped meat for my Uncle again in the abattoir for a few hours. We had a power cut which delayed it all by a bit. I think I am there again tomorrow, I'll try and remember to take my camera, its like nothing you have ever seen! Its here on the farm. Farmers bring along their beef, he kils them, takes off all the skin and hangs them up for 10 days or so then cuts them up into various roasts, steaks,ribs and all that - which I then wrap and label, then they pick up their meat and take it home to their freezer or whatever. Can you imagine having all that food at home? Tonnes of T-bones, sirloins and other stuff? Totally different way to shop!

Needless to say, I am still vegetarian.

My driving progress is very slow as my father isn't that keen on thaking me out so I'll just have to wait and organise it myself. But I will get it done, it won't hold me back.

It snowed again yesterday but not much, I'm wanting feet and feet of the stuff.

I sent out my christmas cards yesterday which upset Mary in the post office cos apparentley my cards were too small. But I wasn't going to re-write them all so I pleeded and she said she would let me off, just this once. Bloody hell.

So there you go, thats it. My leg hurts, I sit in all day and the post office mistress doesn't like me.

I hope it gets better than this.

WHEN LIMPS COME FROM NOWHERE

I must have fallen over last night cos my right leg is killing me. Im limping and everything.

I went to Swift Current yesterday, went to an auction 1st then Canadian Tire. Then, I went to Wal*Mart.

OMG, it is everything I thought it would be, but better. Imagine ifthe whole of Macc town center was a store that was well sign posted and cheap. It was that massive and cheap too. I could live in there, no problem. Then, just when you thought it could get no better we went to Dollarama. Check this out....its like the poundshop but better (1. because they have more and better stuff. 2. because $1 is 50p so it's like a 50p-a-rama really.)

Anyway, word is slow from home but I cant stop mthinking about Lennys Dad. Last time I saw John was a while ago in August, I walked Jeremy to the pub in the morning and him and Len were there about 1 laughing cos they just walked out of work. That was the day I gave him my Punk book (which I later found out Kay wanted) We sat and got smashed together then I ended up at Claires house eating curry. I dont know what happened to him and I hate being this far away when bad stuff happens. John was a right laugh. Iliked him alot.

I went to the hockey match last night but saw nothing from the bar. Ended up in the hotel and its all a blur. Maybe when my shithead brother wakes up he will tell me if I fell over or not. I must have, it hurts like hell.

Only -19 outside!, its 8.52 am.

WHEN LEARNING TO DRIVE WHILST UNDER THE INFLUENCE

To say I ended up in the ditch is a slight exageration. I just ended up a little off the road, down a bit of a hill between a field and the road.

In my defence it was hard to see where the road was under all that snow, it was late and dark out and I was hammered. Still it was a lesson that was worth learning, wont be trying that again!

I got Jeremy a new collar and lead today cos he was looking a bit gay with his 4 row studded diamonte red leather collar.

Its quite warm out today, -10.

Balmy.

WHEN SHE HAS WHEELS

Weather wise weather fans we are experiencing a tropical spell if you will. It is -8 and rumoured to get to...are you ready for it...0 oC at 9pm tonight. I cannot wait, I'm getting my shorts and T-shirt out for the occasion. Word is we are in the "Banana Belt" which means that although it gets proper bloody freeeeezing cold out a warm wind, a chinook or something comes along and then like that its warmer.Oh, butthen it goes cold again just as fact.

Ok, I'm nearly done with talking about the cold now.

Today I had my first attempt at driving. (FYI if you didn't know I have never driven.)
I didn't crash or go off the road so there is hope for me yet. Plus, I think I will find driving over here easier as all the roads are proper straight, there are no other cars and all the cars are automatic. Surely I cant go wrong. We have a white Buick (if thats how its spelt?) so Im all Camoflage driving around here in all the snow. Me and my Dad didn't shout at each other once so its all good.

Don't know where Lindsay has gone, think he's out rounding up cattle or something. I bought him some fruit roll ups from the shop but I fear they will all be eaten if he doesn't get here soon.I've had 3 already. Sorry Skidface.

I would do anything for a pint of cider right now, I have so far been unable to find any WHICH IS NOT GOOD. I think we are going to the city (well, Im not sure if it is a city, its 5 times smaller than Macc but 500 times bigger than here so I'm calling it a city) I am not leaving there until I find some, then I shall ask Wendy at the bar to get some in then normal service can resume.

Bring
It
On.

If not I will soon be saving up to go for early doors in POW on Fridays.
All contributions welcome.................

WHEN YOU REALISE YOU REALLY ARE IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY

There is no pound sign on the keypad.

How rude.

WHEN ITS ALL BLUE SKY

Ok, I know Im lonely and missing home and Im nowhere like being settles here but OMG, this has to be one of the most beautiful places on he earth.

Like understated beauty. I went out driving with my uncle and his hunter mate John today looking for deer. (I know thats a weird thing for a vegetarian to do) but its so pretty here. I was trying to work it out today - the percentage of sky to land..... I would say its 70% sky and 30% land. The sky is MASSIVE. Its so nice being surrounded by blue sky all the time. Plus at night, like now, the stars are about 1000 times bigger and brighter than at home. The sun and the moon are both a millions time bigger than England. Its lovely.
Like today, with the sky being so blue and snow being on the ground all over it looked lilac on the hills (if that makes sense) and than you get these fields still of golden yellow. Its so pretty.

They shot no deer (did I say that already?) but we saw more than 100 altogether, they only shoot the big trophy heads so it was nice being out with hunters that didnt want to shoot everything. I think I understand hunting. I'm glad of that.
[

Anyway, Im waffling and putting [ when I dont want to so Im off.

Please everyone still tell me things about the outside word, Im so out of touch here, I'd hate to miss anything. Plus there is only so much Jerry Springer a girl can watch a day.

Jeremy is out chewing on a frozen deer leg. Its -24. Im off to bed.

WHEN BEER HAS BEEN HAD

Well, I bet I was the only vegetarian working in an abbatoir this morning.

It was ok actually, I'm bored enough that I would do anything, so I offered to help my Uncle wrap meat in his abbatoir. I fell asleep in the afternoon and then helped at the ice rink. T'was my day.

Then I went to the bar. I don't like lager that much, that I remember now. I hate missing cider cos I friggin hated drinking it in the first place. I miss everybody. Its not even been a week (well, a week tomorrow) but I think I'm going to get smashed tomorrow night anyway.

Its -20. I walked into town yesterday with my Mom and Jeremy along the train line. It took 40 minutes, it was -18. F*#k it was cold. But, the man on the telly says that it will heat up on Tuesday to -4 which is quite exciting. (Oh, by the way, even when its like -20 it really is about -34 with the wind chill factor or what ever that is....) either way, no matter how many people tell you its a different cold than it is in England - dont listen to them. IT IS FRIGGIN COLD.

But, I dont mind it. Its kind of nice. Plus we have snow which makes it better.

I'm going deer hunting tomorrow, Not hunting, just watching. I can't watch any more Maury Povich, it's doing my head in.

Laters.

WHEN BAMBI GETS IT?

My brother has gone out deer hunting.

I'll let you know if he shoots one.

I don't think he will.

Its warmer today, -10. I am bored and need a job and a hobby.....maybe not deer hunting though. Maybe rug making or something. Until then I will have to make do with my hobby of drinking.

WHEN SNOW ISN'T DUST

I take that back about the snow, its not like dust anymore, its more like snow now

WHEN I HAVEN'T GOT A TITLE

Its only -13 at the minute but its snowing. The snow is alot different to that which passes for english snow. Its more like snow dust, but then it is constantly falling so I guess that is how it builds up. Plus it obviously wont melt until the spring cos its so friggin cold.

Last night I dreamt I was Ann Ross and everyone was making me perform.Was indeed a bit weird.

As soon as we have our wireless connected up I will put some pictures up on here. It is very, very, VERY different to Macclesfield. Infact, I cant think of anywhere like it (imagine if the cat and fiddle road to Buxton was flat - its a bit like that only with less things on it.)

Don't know what I'm doing today, don't know what there is to do. Im bored of not working and I want to go shopping. I haven't been to WalMart yet but I'm very excited about the prospect (I like to think it will be a little like Primark with more stuff than clothes) but thats just a guess.

I'm now told that the boxes we sent over probably won't be here until next year sometime. This is not so good. I've hardly got 'owt in my suitcase. These next few months will be tricky I can tell but I am loving it. It will just take me a while to get into it methinks

WHEN SHE FINALLY GETS HERE

Why hello.

Well here I am, safe and sound.

The flight was fine, except for the occasional stress out I kept having imagining Jeremy all cold and barking in the hold below. Getting the hound through customs was a bit of a back and forth palava, but after the 5 hour drive home we finally arrived here. It was 1.30am on Saturday moring which is about 7.30am in the UK, so that was a fair days travel.

I am staying on my Uncles farm at the minute until we move into our house in town (we still need beds and a tv.) It is proper mint here. Jeremy just runs about outside finding bones and stuff (wait until I post some of the pictures....you would'nt believe what I came across when I went out for a walk the other day!!)
I've been mincing about on their quad bike which proper rocks...although I'm going to have to start wearing a balaclavaif I go on it again cos its got pretty cold. Yesterday was really nice out, think it was about 6 degrees. Today however is a little different, we went out shopping (I got a mint pair of snow boots) and I kid you not, it was -19. Minus nineteen!!?? OMG. Its only -16 as I type (its 4:46pm). And it is supposed to get cold tomorrow (what ever that means).

I got hammered last night watching a football game which I didn't understand but apparentley 'we' won so everyone was trollyed. Thats all I know really. It kind of snowed a bit today, the beagle went out ice skating on the pond outside - now that was funny to watch.Infact, I might go out there now and make him do it again.

Laters.

WHEN THE BAGS ARE PACKED

Well, its finally here. Im off to the airport in 2 hours.

Wednesday night was great. Just how I wanted it to be and how I want to remember leaving. I was naturally ill all day yesterday as I only managed about45 minutes of sleep. So I just stayed in all day on the settee with Jeremy.

I hate all the goodbye stuff. Thats why I'm glad I left it with 'I'll see you later'. When Marisa left and everyone came around the night before and we sat about drinking it felt all weird, and when we went to the airport to see her off we were all crying. Its exhausting. I didn't want all that so appologies for just slipping off.

I'll be back here once I have established an internet connection over the pond.

WHEN MODERN TECHNOLOGY 'ESCAPES' ME

Arse.

I took my new laptop to the POW to use the wi-fi there so I could sort out my itunes. Only Liz couldn't remember the password so I had to go to Barracuda. Somewhere between being in the POW and Barracuda I lost my bloody mobile. Either I left it on the table and someone had it away (which I doubt as I knew everyone in there) or it fell out of my bag on Roe Street.

Whatever happened to it, its gone. I noticed in about 15 minutes and when I rang it, it had already been turned off.

Now, I'm pissed off coz it was a really cool phone and I dont have a copy of anyones numbers anywhere. I'm even more pissed off cos it wasn't like I was drunk or anything. But looking on the brightside, in 3 days I wount really be needing any of the numbers and I would have to get a new sim anyway. But as I will be jobless by noon tomorrow the expense of a new phone is something I could do without.

Its been destined to happen. Either it was going to get lost or dropped down the toilet sometime in the future. Such is my luck.

This coupled by the news that my ipod is "corrupt" and 3000 songs have gone missing since being put on a external harddrive from my old pc at the pub to my new one is making me a bit more miserable than I should be. Hopefully, none of this will matter by Friday.

WHEN I FINALLY LOG IN

Sorry its been so long, but I have not been able to get on the 'sign in' blogger page.

So, a catch up.....

Tuesday I had a few in the POW, or was that Wednesday?No, Tuesday I moved in with Claire and Chris, Wednesday I had a few in the POW, Thursday I cant remember and on Friday I got my brand spanking new laptop as my leaving present. It Is A.W.E.S.O.M.E. Thankyou everyone who donated. Its all singing all dancing.

During the week sometime Claire asked me if there was anything I wished I had done here before I left. I said I only wished I had made it to Paris as I had never been and I couldn't really see myself going there as any holidays I have from now I would rather spend here.

So on Friday she rang me up at work to tell me that we were going on Sunday for the day. It was top. We got the Easy Jet from Liverpool (which was worrying me that I would turn in to one of those crazy argumentative types and I'd be filmed making a prat of myself and put on that stupid ITV programme.) Fortunately all went well at John Lennon Airport and we took off at 7.30 am as expected. Paris was freaking cold (but I suppose I better get used to it) and after a little lost time trying to get out of the airport (they should have had signs saying there was a rail strike instead of letting us walk all the way down to the station) we finally got to the centre. Started at Notre Dame, had some crepes, bought a hat, walked along the Seine to the Louvre. Got in The Louvre, saw the frigging queues so left the Louvre. Went to the Moulin Rouge and had lunch there then watched the show. It was proper brilliant, the costumes were amazing, my favourite was the women in the turkey looking outfits. There was a lady in a tank of water with massive snakes, flying glow in the dark people shining lights in their faces, a man on a really tall unicycle throwing cups and saucers on his head, a man (get this) holding a woman doing a handstand by the hands above his head whilst sitting down on the back of a chair - so his feet were on the seat- leaning back until his back was on the floor then getting up again....all the time whilst holding this woman above his head. I think you had to be there. They did the Can-Can and everything. One of the dancers was the double of Annie (as in "then I got smashed" Annie). That was weird cos they all do it topless and it felt a bit weird watching Annie dance on the stage with her norks out. I texted her later just to make sure it wasnt her.

We were a bit tipsy and feeling very Victorian by this point as we had been on the champagne so we went somewhere and had more. You can still smoke in bars there so Claire took advantage of that for a bit. Then it gets a bit hazy. We ended up buying poppers from a shop somewhere to warm us up a bit then went to the Eiffel Tower, had a Croque Monsieur and went to the airport. We were on the same flight as the Aussie Rugby league team and I correctly guessed that the coach man or who ever he was came from Parramatta. (No genius in it, I ask everyone if they are from Parramatta, I likes the sound of it!I've got it right three times now, it never fails to impress!) Spilt poppers on the plane which was slightly embarrassing as we were on the front row in front of the stewardess's. Fell asleep in the car on the way home and that was the end of a brilliant day.

I feel strangely ok at the minute, I'm sure I should be a lot more ill.


On Saturday we had a little syndicate and put £163 on the lottery. 163 lucky dips.It was hilarious. My Mom has the tickets and no one has heard from her of my Dad so I dont know if we won. £20 says we didn't win more than the £163

Right, I'm off to Gamblers Anonymous.

Laters.

WHEN ITS MONDAY

What day is it today? I'm well confused.

I anticipated a hangover so I had today off work. I ended up in Buxton with Claire reading those old Kriss Akabusi sex stories in some really cool coffee shop internet place. I had my first attempt at driving which was fun. I'm not very good at it.

The weekend was top, bit blurry and I dont remember much of it. Went out on Friday to Preachers.It's all blank. Then Mezzaluna on Saturday after Chris Cooper surprise fancy dress party. I appologised to Scott for all the shouting I did at him in The Rock last week. So I must have been drunk. Lost my wig somewhere. Walked the hound into town on Sunday morning to see the rememberance day thing and went for a few in Pow. Booked our plane tickets then went over to Claires. Had a couple in the PowerFlop. Couldnt get a taxi so went for the bus. It drove right past us and pulled over for us opposite the college for some bizarre reason. Weirdest thing I have ever seen. Went for Chinese then ended in Pow, I imagine I went to the Rock but I totally cannot remember it.

I have taken some pictures with my new camera but havent ghot the lead to put them on the computer so I will have to sort that out later. I move out tomorrow so I dont know when I will be able to do that. Anyway, if I havent asked you yet then I'll do it now. We are having a leaving do thing at the Flower Pot on Congleton Road on 21st. Everyone is welcome. There will be crisp butties and everything*





*I cannot actually promise that there will be crisp butties, but I'm hoping so.

WHEN I'M FED UP OF SNEEZING

Is there anybody out there that doesn't have this stinking cold? Oh, the chest hurts, oh the head hurts and OMG the bones hurt.

I'm alot stronger today saying that. Yesterday and Tuesday it proper knocked the stuffing out of me. I went to bed as soon as I got in. Today though I have actually managed to pack a whole big box of clothes and clean out my make-up box. Talk about productive! It took me from Hollyoaks to Waterloo Road.

A lady came around last night to buy a lamp that Mom had put on the AZ web thing. She emailed my Mom today saying how she and her husband liked the lamp and she had told her husband all about Jeremy Beagle and they wanted to know if we were leaving him and if he was for sale. Alas, he is indeed booked in on his flight already. Not long now.

I'm sooooo looking forward to the weekend. I haven't had a big proper weekend for ages. I even have Monday off! Get in!! Now thats what I call forward planning.

What else? Oh yes....
I have been given the most AMAZING camera. So I have no excuse not to be posting more pictures on here and on the other place.I just have to figure out how to use it properley.

Laters.

WHEN THE HEAD ACHES

Ah the glory days? Sunday night drinking....what was I thinking.

Went to the Pot for 2, walked into town with Lindzoid.Became very drunk in POW, drunk enough to once again end up in The Rock. Oh, hang on....went to Ronnies too somewhere along the line. I think thats where me and Kip decided to get married. The Rock was the rock....saw my ex stalker boyfiend and ended up telling him how he messed up my life. I think it was faibut Shithaed told me I was wrong so I sniffled and cried all the way home like a dick.

Been thinking.... that woman that gave me a black eye years ago never actually gave me the £50 compensation the court awarded me. I might chase that up before I leave. Thats half a good pair of boots after all.

WHEN THINGS GET DONE ON SUNDAY

God am I stiff? Yesterday was a nightmare. The carpet we were removing was welded on to the floor I swear. They are all going back to finish it off today but I have been given the day off so I will use it wisely and go shopping in Manchester (as I never actually made it there after horse riding on Thursday.) I'm in need of jumpers, gloves and boots. This will be my last ever Primark visit (unless I come back on holiday here one day) so I will buy wisely.

The boxes for all our stuff come on Tuesday so I'm packing then and then moving into my new temporary home at the Coopers. I'm looking forward to that, it will feel like things are finally happening.

I still havent decided upon what I will be on Saturday. I have a few ideas but they are slightly wank. Maybe I will be inspired today. I have been kicked off ebay which is a pain cos that is the place for outfits. Well, I suppose they would have me back if paid them the money I owe them but I'm tight. I did have a 100% rating of about 175 but I dont think that means a lot in the whole scheme of things. But there is no way I am ever opening another paypal account, and as thats what most sellers want I have decided to stack ebay. 2 loads of fraud is enough to me....and I never even got it all back.

Apart from the stiffness and blistering hands from grafting I am feeling tip top today. First time I haven't been out on a Saturday night in a long time. Its nice to have a Sunday when I 'm not feeling like crap. I could always reward my self with a few tonight. Sunday night drinking.....ah, the glory days.

WHEN CIDER MAKES YOU SAD AND LONELY

Blimey. I haven't gone riding for a long time. We only went on a little one yesterday and I can feel it in my legs let me tell you. Crossing my legs is harder today than before.

Anyway, yes I a slightly drunk and yes I have been on cider. They signed the contracts on our house today so it is definatl sold. We have 2 weeks to vacate. To celebrate this I had a few bevvies in POW after work. We were in Buxton today in this new build. It was nice being in a clean house that wasnt full of time ago dead peoples skin and hair.

Had dinner in the Duke Of Pork for old times sake. Got back to Macc for 5. Stopped off at The Ivy to see Nina on her first night of work, it was proper busy with a race night and everything.

I'm beginning to realise what I'm going to miss now I know I will be out of here in less than 3 weeks. I do actually seem to know alot of people (not that you could tell this by my lame Facebook friend list, but the ones I have I really like.....they are not just people I see every now and again). Well, some are.

Anyway, Im going to bed now before I write something I will regret and delete later.

WHEN I AM NOT HUNGOVER

I have the day off today. I'm so excited. Days off rule. I got a bit leathered on the wine and danced in the Rock last night after the pool team won the cup. I was covered in fake blood and to be honest its a bit blurry. Someone kicked off in the taxi office and I tried to sort it out. But my brother informs me I made it worse. Yeah, sounds like me.(this is my only recollection of the night)

Anyway. Ms Johnson is off today also so we are off horse riding in a bit. Then I might go to Manchester and buy some boots and possibly Primark and Yang Sing too. Indie rock n' roll dont you know Diana Ross!

WHEN PEOPLE GET FED UP

At the rate things are moving around here I will be very surprised if we ever leave here at all.
It's all too slow. Nothing is getting done. 25 dyas and counting? Are you freaking kidding me?

WHEN PEN DOESN'T COME OFF

I must have had Tequilla at that party on Saturday night cos I was throwing up all day and night yesterday. I spent all of yesterday in bed (inc the extra hour.What a waste)I'm not feeling my best yet. I still have the remains of marker pen tatoos all over my arms (I went as Amy Winehouse). They are not coming off. I have scrubbed and used baby oil.I dont want naked ladies and Tin-Tins rocket on my arms forever (as well as horse shoes,cards,anchors,cocks,Home Simpson,noughts and crosses game,swallow,hearts and self harming marks to mention a few). I'm glad I havent any real tatoos now, they did not help my hangover. Although it made my spew-a-thon all the more Winehouse authentic.

WHEN FRIDAY NIGHTS SUCK

Ergh.

I have just eaten about 300g of cheese.

My dog Jeremy is having 'sex' with something that the cat sleeps in.

Friday nights aren't supposed to be like this surely?

Please tell me it gets better.

WHEN MORNINGS START OFF MENTAL

CRAZY.

There is this lady that lives in Macc, I wont mention her name but she is loony. L.O.O.N.Y.
If you are from the town (esp Weston area, or you work in any job which involves receiving complaints) then you will probably know her. I have had the joy of knowing her since I worked in the Flower Pot.

First job today was at her house. Now she likes me so I thought it would be ok. She opened the door and was all pleasant, made us brews and gave us Jaffa Cakes. All was well. Then she went in to her bedroom, must have downed a load of Vodka and came out shouting and making up stuff. She rang the shop and said we were trying to make her pay more money (FYI, Brian was trying to tell her she could get a discount as she didn't need the grippers and underlay). Barking. She started going on about how we shouldn't try to "pull the wool over her eyes" cos she is a builders daughter. Screaming mental. She was absolutley pished.We were there for hours. I rang my Mom to tell her cos I knew she would find it funny as she has been on the receiving end of some of her phone call complaints at work. In the 2.5 hours we were there she was on the phone constantly (Apart from when she wasn't shouting at us) ringing up people and complaining. REALLY COMPLAINING. What about, well, about anything and everything. Some nursing home in Bournemouth really got it. I calmed her down and she paid, said everything was fine and she was happy then as soon as we left got on the phone to the shop saying how all 3 of us just sat outside smoking.(Strange as I haven't smoked for 5 years and 7 months.NutBag) She winged that much that Luigi from the shop came out to hoover her carpet. I did explain that we/they are carpet fitters and not cleaners.
She is barred from the Town Hall you know?! She's not allowed in and they have fitted locks on the doors to keep her out. She also isn't allowed in any Doctors in Macc. Thats how much of a nightmare she is.I used to have to ring taxis for her and alot of them wouldn't take her cos shes so freaking bonkers.

WHEN DATES ARE KNOWN

Blimey, its Tuesday already. Where did the days go?

I eventually felt better on Sunday after my Friday night session. It was hard work just staying up and awake at the Ivy, let me tell you. I couldn't wait to get to bed. On Sunday after a lie in (Till after 9 which is quite late for me) I took Jeremy to Wincle with Claire and we ate at The Lazy Trout. Stopped off at the Ivy, I had to pack it in cos Im running out of time - packing and all that. Watched F1 then had an early one Sunday night.

Last night I just went for one in the Pot but somehow ended up in the Brewers and Pow then around at Claire's for another Trapped In The Closet 1-23 marathon with Pizza.

And, guess what......The house has been sold. Officially. We have to be out by 16th November.Finally we have a date. I am so excited. We've been waiting for ages for this. I kind of feel like celebrating but Im tired so Im just going to have an early one again.

WHEN MOANING POSTS ARE DELETED

I got rid of that last post. God Im a dick at times.

Well, I ended up taking the dog for a walk, had too many in pow, went to toast then for a curry. Got in at 7am, that is so the opposite of what I planned to do. Consequently I am currently rough as. I was allowed home at 12 had a kip and a bath and I cant believe I have to go to work now.

Hopefully a pint will bring me round. I couldnt handle the idea of working if Johnson wasnt working too. Fortunatley she is.

I need to be in bed.

WHEN ENDS ARE LOOSE

I dont really know what to do now. I was supposed to be going to Ian Brown again tonight but its no longer happening. Its Leanne's leaving do at Toast but Im too frightened to go incase I get too smashed, which I will end up doing and I have alot to do tomorrow. I am not being ill tomorrow. Seems crap staying in on a Friday night though. I told Annie I would work with her if I wasnt Browning it tonight but I went into Porters just before and its all a bit messy. It put me off so I dont think I'll do that either.

Think I'll take the dog for a walk and think about it.

Rick was a little late for work this morning. He rang me just as we were all laughing how he had probably been arrested for running his truck on vegetable oil. I asked if he had been pulled and funnily enough he had, he was ringing from a police car. Not for the oil though, some other thing...break light or something. They were out in force the other day (the cops, dvla,customs and excercise) dipping tanks and doing everybody...even the benefit fraud team. Surely they have something better to do like arrest Ant and Dec or something!

Right, best go walk the hound.

I know, I could always make my Mum happy and get rid of the 'men at work' sign that I "borrowed" and have left at the side of the house. So tonight could be the night I do my Gene Simmonds stickers for over the face. Bet now I've thought of that I cannot find any stickey white paper. Nothing ever goes my way sometimes.

WHEN THE END IS IN SIGHT

Woo-hoo. Seems we will have a house to go to over the pond in November and the estate agent just rang and anticipates signing contracts next week giving us 2 weeks to pack then we are out of here. Now, I know we have been here before and I said I wasnt going to get excited by it again but I can't help it. Bit gutted that I wont get a Christmas do as I dont think I'll get to see December here .
Im proper excited though. About time my life got a bit more exciting than getting smashed and making a tit of myself.

The Ivy was fine last night, quiet...very quiet but cool. I do like it there - I just dont properley understand the juke box yet. Lisa is so lovely. I'm there tonight aswell, there is pool on so it should be a little busier.

My days are mostly spent talking about running diesel 4x4's on vegetable oil. I'm beginning to smell of chippy's.

Im pretty sure I'm working at the Ivy House tonight. Totally dont know what time I said. Those pictures Clinton put on facebook of Sunday night are tragic. Its always a bad sign when you are sat on the floor in pubs.

WHEN THE DAY FINALLY ARRIVES

Its been a long wait but I have just received the BEST THING EVER through the post. My week just gets better and better.

WHEN HE IS JUST A MAN

OMG, last night was immense. Ended up having a few in the Pot with PC,Kip,Dunc and Joe then set of to Derby. We got a little lost but met up with Andy and everybody finally at about 8.30. I do love Ian Brown concerts, they are just FULL of men, and they all love him, its quite strange to watch. My camera broke and I cant be arsed with the one on my phone so unfortunately I have no pictures of me and the man. We went to his dressing room later where I'm sure I ate all of Mr Browns Haribo and we drank them out of Corona. I took the big black and white photo I have of him that I got as a leaving present and he signed it for me.He asked where I got it and I told him it was a leaving present from the pub which we admitted was cool but I told him I was actually hoping for a laptop! Not my finest moment but he laughed so I guess it wasnt that bad Favourite moment for me was when this girl came in and just started shaking and started to stutter. Ian goes "are you alright?" to which she starts mumbling how she is usually a lot cooler than this and was all overcome with emotion to meet him to which he said "Why,I'm just a man." Maybe you had to be there, it was funny, I just cant tell a story.

Andy Rourke was there, I told him he looked like Mike Reid, surprisingly he had been told this before. Usually any of my look-a-likes seem to only look like someone to me.He well looked like Mike Reid, I chose not to ask about his smooth dolphin penis Proper Bo I tells thee.

So, it looks like we are going to see him again on Friday in Birmingham. Claire is up for driving then as well.I'll get some pictures then.

Back to normality this morning. Not quite as rock and roll and a little bit stressful....I got locked in the toilet as the handle broke. Hence I have had Lindsay giving me "Trapped In The Water Closet" texts. Hilarious!

WHEN I KEEP GETTING YOUNGER

I dont think there is a word to describe how pissed I was yesterday. I was a disgrace! started in Pow on cider and Jagermeister then to the White Lion where I think I organised to meet up and play crib in the Castle next Sunday. Im a proper old man I tells thee. Went to Jar Bar where we were told he (the barman) would be over in a while to take our order. Quite bizarre so we went to Spoons instead. This is where it gets hazy. Jugs of cheeky vimtos in there then went to the Blueberry. It began to get wrong in the Blueberry as I organised a breakdancing event in the back yard. I think that may explain why I am covered in bruises. Then I think it was the Ivy House, have a vague recollection on being in the Jolly Sailor and yep, you guessed it....Chicago Rock. Where I was busting some more tragic moves. I even surprisingly managed to pull which I still cant figure out cos I was foul. F.O.U.L. But isn't cider great!?

I saw Kenny in the White Lion and, check this out.... I was doing some painting at this old mans house a while ago and I was described to him as being 18 years old. I am loving that, I will be dining off that for weeks! 18, get in!

Well, I'm off to Mr Brown in a bit, proper excited about that.

WHEN THERE ARE WORSE PEOPLE THAN PATRICK KEILTY

Do you know who I hate more than Patrick Kielty?

Nicky Bloody Campbell

• that
• is
• all

I THINK i MIGHT BE QUITE POISONOUS THIS MORNING. i ALSO THINK i HAVE LEFT THE CAPS LOCK ON.bUGGER

WHEN PEOPLE ARE STILL DRUNK IN THE MORNING AND POST SHITE

Guilty

WHEN TEXT IS HUGE

WTF was that about?

WHEN PEOPLE HATE PATRICK KIELTY

I f**king hate Patrick Kielty.

Hate him.

H.A.T.E.

H.I.M

I HATE HIM

HATE HIM

HATE HIM

I really dont like him at all.
I like Jeremy Kyle more than Patrick Kielty and I despise the Kyle so imagine how much venom I have for Kielty?V.E.N.O.M.

Have I made myself clear? I will use bullets to make it clearer....

People I hate...

• Patrick Kielty
• that is all
  

WHEN LEEDS SAVE THE DAY

I believe the phrase I am looking for is "get in".

Are you ready for my betting genius? I had a fiver on Macc to win (they did) England to win (they did) Leeds to win (they did) and England to win....and you know they did. How good was that? anyway, I turned £5 into £100 so it kind of makes up for losing all that cash last night.

I was 3 pints pissed - guinness pissed - by dinner then I got changed and went to work. Work was, as Mr Marlow would say...STACKED. God, Im glad I dont work there everyday anymore. We proper ran out of glasses and it was just stupidly busy. Although, I have learnt something.....apparently Pete used to be Golden Earing's roadie (yes people, radar love!). Then I went to Preachers. Danced a little then got fluffed off and thought I'd go home. Bumped into Nick outside Sun Wi. Nick is one of the rare people I actually kind of fancy. This is quite sad cos I properley only fancy 2 two people . They both (get this) "dont want anything short and sweet" you know..... cos Im doing one to Canada. Really?! Pile of shite if ever I heard it. So from now on Im not going to tell anyone Im moving abroad. Dont think it will get me anywhere though. I had a hissy fit in Cheshire Fast Food. Well, not so much a hissy fit...they served someone else before me so I threw them the V's and walked out. Such a lady. Best not go there again!

Im still so excited about tomorrow night. Meanwhile, today I am off on the pop about town avec Claire and Anna after Chris cooks for us. Parsnips and everything! The weekend just gets better and better! Im still buzzing after winning my bet, I very rarely win anything. Woo and Yeah as they say.

WHEN CIDER LOSES YOU MONEY

Bah, only went out for afew after work last night.

Of course I ended up smashed. Lost £60 out of my pockets some how which was a pisser as it was all I have. So I cried like a drunken jeremy kyle guest for a bit. I remeber leaving the pow and was walking home. Passing the old white swan (where incidentally I was working earlier that day fact fans) I got talking to some short polish guy. We figured out that we were both iin need of booze but were penniless. Full of cider and bravado I blagged us 2 pints at the Ivy House and I have some recollection of saying I will work there 3 nights a week. Then, like a tramp who has been on the high karate aftershave I walked home whilst trying to hitch up Park Lane. Surprisingly no one picked me up.

Saw PC in pow after work today. (This is when I sound all HolyMoly on your ass....) Seemingly Ian Brown had a massive arguement with Andy Rourke and everybody last night. Its all cool now but it was pretty ugly by all accounts. I didnt know Andy Rouke was playing for Ian Brown. Now Im even more excited, I fluffin loved the Smiths I tells thee.

Well, Im off to work in the ghlorious (looks so good with a 'h' dont it?) pow now. Im on a bar crawl tomorrow then..........drum roll....the mighty Mr Brown on Monday.

i

am

soooooooooo

excited

WHEN I AM ONCE AGAIN AHEAD OF MY TIME

Bugger. I have never I have heard of a better occasion to wear my nuns outfit than this...only its next year and with any luck I wont be here.

The Songs Of Sister Act at the Palace Theatre.

I (sadly) love Sister Act.

Oh Happy Day.....wurrrrrr.

WHEN DOLPHINS ARE MONKEYS

Woo-Hoo. I had my cider fix at the Flower Pot last night with Miss Heyes and Miss Clinton, who is recovering from a bunion operation (nice scars!). Anyway, I bumped into to PC and I am sorted for backstage at Ian Brown on Monday. Sooooooo excited. Soooo very excited.I love the little monkey man!

WHEN THERE IS NOTHING TO REPORT

The walk only took me 3 hours, Jeremy got well freaked out by some cows. Strange cos hes cool with horses, if I was a dog they would all look the same to me.

Today was rather uneventful and finished a little later than normal.

I think I need some cider.

WHEN AOL TITS ME OFF FOR THE LAST TIME

Yet again my email is dead. Smell you later AOL, I'm returning to hotmail you tossers.

Half day today, I saw a proper lovely beagle today in Kerridge, just like Jeremy only about 6 kg lighter. So Im taking my slightly over weight self and my slightly over weight dog on a mammoth walk to Gawsworth, left at the croosroads to the Fools Nook then down the canal to the Puss then back through town and home. Well, not exactly mammoth, but quite long.

See, Im not even watching Murder, She Wrote!

(Incidentally, I have seen the episode 8 times - its the radio one, so its not that much of a big deal.)

Laters

WHEN GLUE IS REMOVED

Ow.
I do it all the bloody time and every time I tell myself it will be the last but no.
No I've not gone all Amy Winehouse and been self harming....well, I have kind of...I picked all my bloody false nails off this morning instead of soaking them off like you are supposed to. I'm down to about 2 layers of nail material. Its a vicious circle....my nails are shit so I sometimes stick fake ones on. This then makes my nails even worse so I have to put them on again...blah blah blah. The sun on holiday just about sorted them out only upon returning I got fed up of my man hands and stuck more on.

Well that's it I tell you. No more. I couldn't even get the battery out of my mobile today. (Ricks phone was dead and so as I seldom get calls and have had no credit since Saturday I let him use mine.)

Well, today wasn't outstanding in any way. My nails have hurt and I had a minging cake from Cheshire Gap. They were the lows. The man at the Chinese near the Blueberry gave me a can of coke and some prawn crackers when we were working there today, that was probably my only high! I'm so skint at the minute it is untrue. I am even working at Porters on Saturday night because my finances are that stacked! Holidays ey? Why do we bother?

I had the joy of watching the hour long Emmerdale with my Mum tonight as I'm staying clear of the pub. This was only entertaining as neither of us really watch Emmerdale and so kept asking each other who everyone was. Who is Linda Lusardi in it? That was the only one we couldn't figure out. It was like the blind leading the blind!

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will be going to Ian Brown on Monday in Derby. Paul said he will get him to sign my huge photo Liz gave me and I'll get a snap of me and him for my wall for when I finally leave this place. But that was last Wednesday and I haven't seen him since then to make sure. Like I said....fingers crossed. Perhaps I will call in to the Pot tomorrow to remind him.

WHEN SECURITY IS DROPPED

Ok, I am back in the public domain again. I have got over my paranoia. I think I will even make a more conscience effort to post.

Still a tad frayed from drinking last night I took the beagle to Wincle for a walk with Ms Johnson. T'was divine. I am now going to feast on a dinner of parsnips which I have cooked with maple syrup (as we have no honey) and rosemary.

Parsnips are back to the top spot on my favourite vegetables list. Apologies to broccoli.

TWAT-WATCH

That cockney shit head (boy, can I just carry a grudge?) drove past me on Chester Road about 2pm yesterday. So ladies beware...he is still in town, lock up your daughters

WHEN YOU LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE

I kep waking up early, well, 6am anyway so thought I'd take the hound out before I go to work only the lazy thing wont get up.

Well, you cant say I didnt try.

I like it when its still dark out in the am.

Latest estimate is that I am going in 7 weeks, but you of course you understand this could always change.

More news at 11.

WHEN PEOPLE RECAP

The more I think about it the more surprised I am to have finally made it home in one piece.
Me and Marisa left Kay, Yarnold, Chris and Clairey in Thailand and headed back to Hong Kong on Saturday. For the record, I am now officially OFF chinese food. Like totally dude. I cant remember what we did Saturday night, oh yeah, we went for sushi and I drank too much of something in Lychees in it. It was there across from a bar in Lan Kwai Fong that I saw a sign for sleeping pills.

Now, I don't mind flying, but I had done quite a fair bit over the last two weeks so I bought some, they came in a plastic bag of 20.

On the Sunday we walked around some shopping place whilst my vision gradually faded in my left eye (after accidentally getting contact lens solution mixed up with DEET) then we headed back so I could put my glasses on.
With not much else to do we went for a spot of reflexology at the Joy Foot Club next door. I pointed out my right big toe which had turned a worrying purple colour after I banged it doing my Tina Turner impression in Chewang two nights before. She was gentle on that toe but squeezed, rubbed and poked the life out of my calves. The we had time to go up to the peak, look at the view at night and had some food. Marisa left to go back to Sydney that evening.

It was from here on in that things went wrong. Now I always thought I was quite streetwise and savvy so spending the day negotiating trains, boats and buses by my self in HK would be ok. Well, after getting up and going out to find an ATM (cos I have a stupid card that the hotel said they couldn't take) I managed to get lost. No one understood me when I asked where "Tims Square" was. Found it, had no cash cos I had somehow apparently spent it all. Missed check out and got charged an extra $100. After a long time of me trying to explain that I had no money and therefore couldn't pay for the 2 nights and room service I owed to the good people at the Cosmopolitan Hotel they eventually decided to take my bank card.

By this time I was stressed so decided to f**k off my trip to the Big Buddha and decided not to risk being stuck penniless in Hong Kong so went to the airport, 8 hours early.

I was too early to check in and already bored after 10 minutes so I bought Take A Break and Heat magazine. In Take A Break (the Jeremy kyle of magazines) there was a letter from some Lance Corporal in Basra asking for pen pals for 'our boys overseas'....it seemed to be a good way to spend 7 hours so I bought a Hello Kitty pad and pen proceeded to write the worlds most boring and longest letter to someone I don't know about Pot Noodles and bitter. Some poor guy will be fast asleep in Basra with 20 pages of Hello Kitty paper in front of him right now as I type!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes....My plane wasn't on the board when its time came up so I asked at 3 wrong desks until I found out it had been delayed until 3.05am (so it was 3 hours 45 minutes late...and I had already been there for 8 hours.) I got a credit note from Swiss Air to apologise for the delay for $75 HKD, sounds a lot but its only in fact about a fiver.

So I drank that in Tsing Tao lager then fell asleep, got on the plane for 3am. Now, I haven't had sleeping pills before, this was my first time. I took my contact lenses out (which the rude man next to me who spoke no english, infact he didnt even grunt any form of excuse me as he pushed past me knocking one of my lenses flying), settled down for the night and took one. Some time later I woke up, turned n the screen to see where I was and I was only 2 hours into the flight so I had two more. This happened every two hours. I remember mining sleeping pills to the man next to me and offered him 2.

Next think I know I am stood in Zurich airport thinking "I need a ticket to Manchester". I was so disorientated. All the signs said 10am so I panicked thinking I had missed my flight. Walked into (literally) a help desk to ask where to go. Noticed I had already infact checked in and got my ticket, god only knows how that happened. Was told to go to desk A35. All the signs then said A35, I asked the lady which of the 20 signs I saw saying A35 it was and explained that I had had some sleeping pills. She pointed out my route and told me to get a coffee. I then walked into a handrail and next thing I'm in Manchester Airport waiting for my bag. After realising that all the other people waiting for their luggage were all red and pink I left the belt where bags were being dropped off from Spain and found my right baggage place.

Went to get a taxi, asked them If I looked stupid when they told me it was £33 for a taxi home which is only 12 miles away. Rang my Dad and told him I was going to walk home then after 10 minutes I relented and got the £33 taxi and cried all the way home cos it was so dear.

I went to bed and woke up on Wednesday sometime.

17 sleeping tablets I had had in total. I don't remember a bloody thing but what I do freaks me out cos none of it felt real. Still, I managed to make it here via another country in one piece so maybe I'm quite streetwise and savvy after all.

WHEN PEOPLE HAVE TIME TO BLOG ON HOLIDAY

Yes, it may sound sad but I need a break from the sun. Its friggin baking out again today yet still, try as I might I do believe I am going paler rather than darker. That is the thing with having freckley skin, you just get a few more freckles.

Well, what can I say, were I am at this current moment in time is undoubtably the finest place on the planet. The villa is untrue, we are the first to stay in it and its mint. 5 bedrooms, pool, beachfront, fuck off tv and sound system and the staff here are psychic and know what you want before you know you wabt it. You should check out the kitchen, wipes the floor with any thing I have seen on MTV cribs.

Well, thats Samui. It just happens to be a full moon tonight so we are getting the boat over to the full moon party. This will be my first proper night out since I have been here. Im the same as normal - whenever Im on holiday I usually prefer to laze about and go to bed early. I cant drink in hot weather, well I can drink- of course I can drink...thats my problem. i drink far too much and spend the next day throwing up. I did that in China already last week and Im not too keen to go there again. Bollocks if I seem boring or whatever, I stopped doing things that I didnt want to do a long time ago.

Hong Kong was cool, busy and kind of pricely but cool. Im back there on Saturday but I, of course do not want to leave here.Bangkok wasnt as good as I remembered it, I was caught up in the romanticness of squaller, it is a shit hole. But then Samui is better than I remembered it.

Anyway, thats enough of this....I'm chilled after my 5 quid massage so I think I'll go for a swim.

I'm just hoping that when I get back to the UK I get some good news and a date for when we leave. I have realised, I cant wait to go to Canada.I need my life to move forward.

WHEN I GO GLOBAL

Woo and yeah, Im off to Hong Kong to meet Marisa in a few hours. I've packed everything and am just waiting to go. I cant wait to snap up some Chinese bargins, I'm after a ipod touch (both of my ipods are now dead) some fancy leather boots - as I never found any at Weston Park Game Fair on Sunday. Oh, Sunday, god what a nightmare, I managed to loose my purse twice like a proper dickhead. It was playing charades in the POW from the tv listings page that made me forget it there overnight. Fortunatley I got it back!

Then, the plan is me and Marisa are in Hong Kong/China til Friday or Saturday, then spending the night in Bangkok and meeting Kay, Linds, Chris and Claire Johnson at the airport at 7am then we are all going to our kick ass villa.


Then back to HK on saturday night then I get backon Tuesday morning. So excited, so excited, cant even blog. Im rubbish at it these days anyway. Laters x

WHEN LIFE IS SLOW

Now I haven't been going out for a while I realise I have absolutley nothing to say. No pub gossip, no Tesco complaints, no nothing. I'm beginning to get bored. Infact, forget anything I may have said regarding not going out, fcuk it, I'm having a few early doors on Friday but I will go out on Saturday night. Bollocks to it. Infact, I think we are having an oyster fest on Friday in POW from 5ish if anyone fancies one.

Where was ? Oh yes, dullness....

I worked in Crewe today so got to drive about Cheshire for a while.God Crewe looks boring, its well flat isnt it? That big guy who comes in with the Copes and is, sorry was the last to leave on Saturday nights (hes a bit rough, girlfriend drinks Bacardi and diet coke and wears blue mascara.Exactly.) came all over road rage with us as we cut him up at Monks Heath crossroads. Probably the most exciting thing that happened today. I'm working in Alderley Edge tomorrow, that is all I know.

Woo-Hoo, 13 days til my Asian Vacation. Still not sure of my final destination yet.

WHEN DEFENSE CONDITIONS ARE LOWERED

Ok, I admit I may have over reacted by going to DEF CON 1 with my heightened blog security earlier. I blame Hollyoaks, something on it the other day made me go all paranoid.
Anyway, I have had a word with myself and sent out random invites. If you have had one by mistake I'm sorry,my email address book is as unorganised as my ridiculous living out of a suitcase life at the minute. You don't want to read this anyway, its pure garbage.

I actually learnt something today, quite random I know but I feel its worth sharing.
Did you know that if your stairs don't have a lip on the top bit that you stand on then they are illegal?? "Get out of town woman" I hear you say but let me tell you its a big fat F.A.C.T.
I also learnt that the wooden bits on the side of houses which run from the fascias from the front and back are called barge boards, but that's boring so forget I mentioned it.


FYI...
Seemingly dogs can travel in planes to Canada all year round, I thought my Mum made that up when she said it was March-October, so anything I have said before about that is a lie.

WHEN I GO 007

Sitemeter has made me paranoid so I have changed my settings.I dont know if it will work or not, I might go public again later but while certain people are trying to find me I think I will limit access to friends only.....

god knows why strangers would want to read it anyway.

WHEN CIGARS ARE NOT NEEDED

Nearly forgot....Jeremy is not a father.
She had a phantom pregnancy.

I wonder if phantoms are easier to housetrain than the beagle was?

WHEN PEOPLE HIT THEIR THUMB WITH A HAMMER

Ow. Does it hurt? Damn right it hurts. I popped the blood blister with a needle so it looks better at least. Thing is, its the thumb I trapped in the door last week. Ow. Not a good time for my thumb I can tell you.

In other news, Im going to Hong Kong to meet Marisa who I have not seen for years and years on 18th for 2 weeks. We are going to that 6 storey shopping centre in Shenzhen where they sell all the knock off bargains dirt cheap. Handbags, jewelery and boots...you know the stuff. Sounds so good we are staying there overnight! Then we are planning on going somewhere else for a week or so as I'm being robbed of sun this year now I'm not going to Canada until autumn/winter. I'm in need some rays before I go in to -30 land.

I dont even feel like going out at all at the moment.All I seem to do is explain why I am still here and it gets a little monotonous.



Anyway, what if the Hokey Cokey really is what its all about?

WHEN PEOPLE ARE BORING

Blimey, I am so tired. I'm still covered in glue from work and I think my palms will blister.
Check this out though...I am 4 days sober and I proper dont think I will give in and drink before my holiday.

On that front, the plan is changing. Looks like I'm going to Hong Kong to meeet Marisa then going somewhere from there for a week. Still might be Thailand, but looking into Vietnam or Hainan as well. Its still a work in progress so we shall see what happens.

I have nothing of interest to report as all I am doing at the moment is helping lay floors, sleeping and looking where to go on holiday. Looks like I will definatley be out of here by October as dogs can't travel to Canada in planes November-March cos its too cold in the hold so just incase the move is delayed due to the house sale we have agreed that I go over with Jeremy anyway.

I'm going to have to try and get this glue off me and then go to sleep. Im beyond tired.

WHEN PEOPLE HAVE A NEW PLAN

So here is the new plan.

I'm going to meet Marisa in Thailand in the end of September. I have decided to not drink booze until then and I'm going to lose 8 pounds before I go. I think the no booze thing will make sure thats possible. That way I feel like I deserve to go away.

I went to Bristol with Claire for the weekend. The weather was top.Its lovely down there, never been there before. We fell lucky with the hotel- the marriott next to the cathedral. We were right in the middle of everything. Busted some new dance moves which incorporated the squares on the carpet and a tragic move involving pretending to be pregnant. Threw in a bit of ballet bar work and impoved on my break dancing move. All in all it was as dreadful as usual but I enjoyed it.

The Wurzels are playing at Chicago Rock in Bristol on 6th (I think). Shame they werent there when I was there. After all, I love the Wurzels.

WHEN PEOPLE LIST AND DONT TELL STORIES

Wurr.

Ihave not long since woken up. I was on the settee at Kays house after a R Kelly Trapped in the balh blah blah fest. I had that whole is it Sunday is it Monday, Its Monday, I have to go to work thing.

I never made it to Peover fair, I havent had much sleep. last night I dressed up like a mime artist and made a knob out of myself in town. I have just ordered a pizza and my mouth tastes like warm badness.

Oh, and I had a fiver on the football being 1-0 to city so Im in the money.

My phone has no credit.

I went to splash landings at Alton Towers on Friday and my eyes are still stinging.

I think that is everything.

WHEN ITS CHAPTER 13

R Kelly, you crazy ass bastard. I just watched chapter 13, the man did not disappoint - crazier than a fish with titties!

I was supposed to wait till the big screening tomorrow but I just couldn't wait. He should be locked up or institutionalised or made president or something. Crazier than a fish with titties I ask you, hes a G no doubt!

www.ifc.com/trapped

WHEN PEOPLE EXPECT

I dont want to curse it but I am expecting this week coming to be one of the best weeks ever. Infact, Im hgoing to make sure it is.
I cant tell you how excited I am by the whole Trapped In The Closet thing.I feel like the saddest person in the world! Its going to be one episode realeased a day and we are all going around to Juts I think to watch it cos apparentley he can get it on a great big screen. So there is that plus the fact that I am only working 3 days along with one of my finest dressing up activities I have had for a long while planned for one night. (I wont ruin it by saying what it is, but I will definatley be taking pictures.)

If only it was sunny out today for the cricket then that would be perfect. As it is its looking grey so I think I'll have to be wearing my wellies and be sitting on binbags. Bah!

Went to Kays last night for a BBQ.Its good waking up knowing I didnt make a total drunken pratt of myself in Macc.

WHEN PEOPLE EAT PAVEMENT

I was walking to work yesterday morning. It was sunny.I was thinking what would be the best way to make the man on the road work sign look like Gene Simmonds and write underneath it something along the lines of "crazy,crazy roadworks", I had Ian Browns Deep Pile Dreams on the ipod and I had just crossed over the crossroads on Park Lane/Brown Street;. Its fair to say I wasn't fully concentrating on walking. Then, it was like slow motion, I thought shit, Im sure Im falling over and sure enough I did. Flat on my face then somehow turned so I was on my back looking up at the sky. I quickly looked around to see who was laughing at me but the road was remarkably quiet. I'd only got one of those plastic bind things wrapped around my feet. I grazed my shoulder and knee and it proper hurts today.

I haven't fallen over for ages, I felt a right tit.

Drank a ridiculous amount of cheeky vimtos all around town and ended up in Preachers.I was abit rude really to Norm by telling him to let us in for free. He did but I was out of order demanding it, think I will go and apologise later. Dont remember a thing from when I was in there. Im fading fast now though.