In a roughly related R Kelly vibe...
A few years ago I found an address book in the pub and so I could figure out who it belonged to (and cos I am well nosey) I had a look through it. Most of the pages were empty with a only few entries under each letter. The letter O page was full, I kid you not hand on my heart this is true......
It read something like this....
O
Oliver 01625.....
Our Shelia 01625.....
Our Sandra 01625.....
Our Eric 01625.....
Our Peter 01625.....
Our Philis )161.....
I figured out who's it was straight away and gave it back to him. Bless, poor man died this year but at least I got to read the best adress book ever!
Sunday, December 31, 2006
MORE R KELLY SHANANAGANS
After a few too many cheeky vimtos and black russians with guinness tops the conversation in the bar once again got around to R Kelly.
I put "Ignition" on and tried to make everyone dance to it like that guy on You Tube then (I said so what I'm drunk, its the freakin' weekend baby Im about to have me some fun!) *genius* I then put his finest ever work on...the mighty "Bump n' Grind". (its so bad its good) or as I like to sing "Park n' Ride" (a slip up I once made whilst smashed on wine singing it in the Drum And Monkey.)
T'wixt me, Linds, Kay and Welsh Tim we thought it would be a good idea to go through the phone book and ring up all the R.Kelly's in there and ask them if they really were in favour of the environmentally sound Park 'n' Ride scheme which so many towns have adopted.
Here are our findings.....not the correct way up, but you get the jist...
Shockingly most of the Mr R. Kelly's that we made contact with (at 11pm on Saturday night) were not in favour of Park 'n' Ride.Most of them told us to Fuck Off. Infact one of them, from Romiley I think rang Kay back and left a voice mail telling her never to ring this number again and called her a little slut.That is a definate "no" in the on going park 'n' ride debate. Linds has had 4 missed calls off of one she rang. I only rang one and left a message on his machine. Thankfully I 141'd mine cos Im a smart ass.
I put "Ignition" on and tried to make everyone dance to it like that guy on You Tube then (I said so what I'm drunk, its the freakin' weekend baby Im about to have me some fun!) *genius* I then put his finest ever work on...the mighty "Bump n' Grind". (its so bad its good) or as I like to sing "Park n' Ride" (a slip up I once made whilst smashed on wine singing it in the Drum And Monkey.)
T'wixt me, Linds, Kay and Welsh Tim we thought it would be a good idea to go through the phone book and ring up all the R.Kelly's in there and ask them if they really were in favour of the environmentally sound Park 'n' Ride scheme which so many towns have adopted.
Here are our findings.....not the correct way up, but you get the jist...
Shockingly most of the Mr R. Kelly's that we made contact with (at 11pm on Saturday night) were not in favour of Park 'n' Ride.Most of them told us to Fuck Off. Infact one of them, from Romiley I think rang Kay back and left a voice mail telling her never to ring this number again and called her a little slut.That is a definate "no" in the on going park 'n' ride debate. Linds has had 4 missed calls off of one she rang. I only rang one and left a message on his machine. Thankfully I 141'd mine cos Im a smart ass.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
FRULI FOR BREAKFAST
Yes, Im there again.
Swampy returned from spending Christmas with her parents yesterday to find she had been robbed. The cunts have taken everything and turned her house upside down, even emptying tampon boxes. Theiving bastards, I'd rip there nads off. Besides that it was her birthday yesterday so I took the hight off cos it was quiet (well, not quiet but quieter than it has been) and I went out and got hammered, it tasted so good that Im having some for breakfast too.
Swampy returned from spending Christmas with her parents yesterday to find she had been robbed. The cunts have taken everything and turned her house upside down, even emptying tampon boxes. Theiving bastards, I'd rip there nads off. Besides that it was her birthday yesterday so I took the hight off cos it was quiet (well, not quiet but quieter than it has been) and I went out and got hammered, it tasted so good that Im having some for breakfast too.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
COS IM THE GARBAGEMAN
Phew, well I'm glad thats all over.
I finished work at about 2.30 yesterday then went to my parents house with the hounds where I was the life and soul of the party. Actually no, I wasn't. I fell asleep in a big comfy chair then was woken to eat the I went back to sleep until 1am when I walked the muts hime.Merry Christmas!
I was going to open up at 8pm but I was far to exhausted. I have worked like a dog this last fortnight. Instead of continuing to moan about it I am doing something about it..... check it out...
LA CALETA RESORT AND SPA
I have booked myself in here for 3 days in January with my mate Claire. Im going to lay out in the sun and sleep. Swim a little and have so many massages and treatments that I am the most chilled out person I can be. I can not wait.
You know how when all the records you used to love are on vinyl and you have no record player so you dont listen to them. Well, I was in Music Zone when I saw a double CD of The Cramps (Off The Bone and Songs The Lord Taught Us) for a jaw dropping £3.97. I f*cking love that Off The Bone album, its soooo good, I cant believe I forgot about it. So I currently have that on full blast while I clean the house. I also must get around to making Frank Sidebottom tickets as its a week tomorrow and I have to sell 80.
Fingers Crossed.
Apparently he is playing at The Baths(a nice pub but no where as fab as here) in Macc in June or July and they have a poster up saying why go to Porters when you can see him there (I got this info from Bertie the postman who looks like Sonia from Eastenders when he takes his glasses off). Thats a bit rubbish on their behalf but I'm taking it as a compliment.
I finished work at about 2.30 yesterday then went to my parents house with the hounds where I was the life and soul of the party. Actually no, I wasn't. I fell asleep in a big comfy chair then was woken to eat the I went back to sleep until 1am when I walked the muts hime.Merry Christmas!
I was going to open up at 8pm but I was far to exhausted. I have worked like a dog this last fortnight. Instead of continuing to moan about it I am doing something about it..... check it out...
LA CALETA RESORT AND SPA
I have booked myself in here for 3 days in January with my mate Claire. Im going to lay out in the sun and sleep. Swim a little and have so many massages and treatments that I am the most chilled out person I can be. I can not wait.
You know how when all the records you used to love are on vinyl and you have no record player so you dont listen to them. Well, I was in Music Zone when I saw a double CD of The Cramps (Off The Bone and Songs The Lord Taught Us) for a jaw dropping £3.97. I f*cking love that Off The Bone album, its soooo good, I cant believe I forgot about it. So I currently have that on full blast while I clean the house. I also must get around to making Frank Sidebottom tickets as its a week tomorrow and I have to sell 80.
Fingers Crossed.
Apparently he is playing at The Baths(a nice pub but no where as fab as here) in Macc in June or July and they have a poster up saying why go to Porters when you can see him there (I got this info from Bertie the postman who looks like Sonia from Eastenders when he takes his glasses off). Thats a bit rubbish on their behalf but I'm taking it as a compliment.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
I JUST WALKED PAST THE TV
Christmas Mania was ITV.
Girls Aloud were singing on it.
I have now made up my mind on that pressing matter.
I really don't like Girls Aloud.
Really.
Really don't.
Girls Aloud were singing on it.
I have now made up my mind on that pressing matter.
I really don't like Girls Aloud.
Really.
Really don't.
Yesterday was, with out a doubt the busiest day we have ever had, consequently it wasn't one of my favourites. I could moan for an eternity but I wont. Im just glad I dont have to a Mad Friday again, I hates them I tells thee.And then, next news its
7.23am.
7 bloody 23 am this morning the dray turn up. After the busiest day ever on Friday I still had to sort out the cellar so the beer will fit in.
It will not fit in, I've had to chain it up outside. I could cry.
Then, just to round things off the glasswasher decided to stop working this morning for no reason at all. My jeans are wet, I need to sleep but I think I am 75% red bull these days so thats not going to happen.
I've bought no presents and Im not going to. Christmas can get bent.
7.23am.
7 bloody 23 am this morning the dray turn up. After the busiest day ever on Friday I still had to sort out the cellar so the beer will fit in.
It will not fit in, I've had to chain it up outside. I could cry.
Then, just to round things off the glasswasher decided to stop working this morning for no reason at all. My jeans are wet, I need to sleep but I think I am 75% red bull these days so thats not going to happen.
I've bought no presents and Im not going to. Christmas can get bent.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
I HAVE WORK RAGE
I dont usually. Not rage anyway.
Apparently it came through in my tone of voice to the wife of the boss.
UN BE LEEVE ABLE
I cannot be doing with people that nag over nothing that I could help.
I do know my job.
AAAGRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Apparently it came through in my tone of voice to the wife of the boss.
UN BE LEEVE ABLE
I cannot be doing with people that nag over nothing that I could help.
I do know my job.
AAAGRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
MKB
My favourite customer MKB was in last night. This should come as no surprise as MKB is indeed in everynight.
Now MKB has a problem with his memory, he has none. He is always asking me where his pint is. Where his coat is. Who he was talking to.... etc etc.
MKB has a blind friend (BT) who I have written about on many occasions. He is also hilarious. MKB walks BT through the bar to the gents about 10 times a night (Im wondering if BT has a bladder problem).
BT is also cool, he didnt mind when I accidentally left the 5 litre tub of floor cleaner sitting in the urinal which, being blind he didnt see. Pee'd in said urinal and it splashed back all over his jeans. He didnt know what was going on so assumed he wet himself!
BT wasnt in last night just MKB. But knowing his memory (or lack of)I managed to convince him he came in with BT who had been waiting for MKB to walk him back from the toilets for over an hour. MKB looks confused but spys the empty glass I put next to him (a handle pint pot.... BT drinks out of a handle pint pot) and looked all panicy.
Now he is saying he knew I was winding him up but I saw that unforgettable look in his eyes.
He well believed it.
Now MKB has a problem with his memory, he has none. He is always asking me where his pint is. Where his coat is. Who he was talking to.... etc etc.
MKB has a blind friend (BT) who I have written about on many occasions. He is also hilarious. MKB walks BT through the bar to the gents about 10 times a night (Im wondering if BT has a bladder problem).
BT is also cool, he didnt mind when I accidentally left the 5 litre tub of floor cleaner sitting in the urinal which, being blind he didnt see. Pee'd in said urinal and it splashed back all over his jeans. He didnt know what was going on so assumed he wet himself!
BT wasnt in last night just MKB. But knowing his memory (or lack of)I managed to convince him he came in with BT who had been waiting for MKB to walk him back from the toilets for over an hour. MKB looks confused but spys the empty glass I put next to him (a handle pint pot.... BT drinks out of a handle pint pot) and looked all panicy.
Now he is saying he knew I was winding him up but I saw that unforgettable look in his eyes.
He well believed it.
WHEN NEWS WRITES ITSELF
After being there all yesterday and all morning,police are expected to be at the house of Steve Wright In The Afternoon.
Sky News genius!
Sky News genius!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
OOPS
It has been pointed out to me that it is probably not the best thing for me to be accusing people I dont know of being a serial killer on the internet.
Appologies.
Appologies.
DCI CATH3RINE JULIET BRAVO
Ok, I'm still watching sky news....
About this 2nd man....
I know they haven't released his name yet but I am sure as eggs are eggs that it will end up being this man they interviewed on sky news on the weekend. I cant remember his name but his hair was a bit long (not long long but longer than short). When I watched it I got goosebumps-it was like when Ian Huntley did that interview before he got caught.
So, I shall be honest and tell you if it is him when they release his name/photo. I just cant remember his name but he looked about that age he was taliking how he knew them all, was a kind of jeans and blazer man with dark hair that needed a cut.
BREAKING NEWS.....
I remember his name now, its cos it is similar to another weirdo I know,
I think the man in the blazer and jeans is called *** *************.
Lets see.....
About this 2nd man....
I know they haven't released his name yet but I am sure as eggs are eggs that it will end up being this man they interviewed on sky news on the weekend. I cant remember his name but his hair was a bit long (not long long but longer than short). When I watched it I got goosebumps-it was like when Ian Huntley did that interview before he got caught.
So, I shall be honest and tell you if it is him when they release his name/photo. I just cant remember his name but he looked about that age he was taliking how he knew them all, was a kind of jeans and blazer man with dark hair that needed a cut.
BREAKING NEWS.....
I remember his name now, its cos it is similar to another weirdo I know,
I think the man in the blazer and jeans is called *** *************.
Lets see.....
Monday, December 18, 2006
TOM STEPHENS
Tom Stephens (the man arrested for the Ipswich murders) used to drink in my pub and do my gardening. I have photos of him in my mothers wedding dress riding a horse.He often took my dogs out and washed my car every Tuesday until I caught him robbing £10 from the glove compartment.
This is of course all a lie, I just figured that he must be being googled alot and as there is nothing on tv at the moment I would entertain myself by watching my stat counter refferals page.
Appologies to all, ha ha ha.
This is of course all a lie, I just figured that he must be being googled alot and as there is nothing on tv at the moment I would entertain myself by watching my stat counter refferals page.
Appologies to all, ha ha ha.
BEEP BEEP
The automatic air freshener in the ladies has run out of spray. When this happens, and the battery is still working then the unit ommits a beep every minute or so to let you know it needs changing.
The company who 'manage' the unit for some reason dont give me a spare can, so it beeps until they come and change it themselves. It has been beeping since Saturday morning.
Now, one of my customers who is always in the ladies applying eyeliner (or so it seems to me) heard this beeping and came to the following conclusion....
"Liz" she says to Liz that works here
"Yes" replies Liz to this certain Sweedish girl
"There is a strange beeping in the toilets, (she leans in and whspers) I think is something to do with the flowers".
What exactly I dont know but I would love to spend a day in her head.
Meanwhile, in the Gents.....
The same problem is beeping but no-one has reported that to me. However some stupid bastard put a fag end in the fish tank yesterday. Some people are shitheads. Why would you do that?
In other news.....(observations from the bar)
Holsten Pils sells well at Christmas and here doesn't do too well throughout the year. This is, I think, because Pils is the drink that people that dont drink go for. Isn't that strange. We go from selling bugger all to 2 cases in a week, most of them have been to women and most of themm have had lime cordial in them.
God I'm beyond interesting today! I might go and buy some batteries today for my camera and start putting some pictures on here to break up the monotony of me talking about holsten pils and toilets
The company who 'manage' the unit for some reason dont give me a spare can, so it beeps until they come and change it themselves. It has been beeping since Saturday morning.
Now, one of my customers who is always in the ladies applying eyeliner (or so it seems to me) heard this beeping and came to the following conclusion....
"Liz" she says to Liz that works here
"Yes" replies Liz to this certain Sweedish girl
"There is a strange beeping in the toilets, (she leans in and whspers) I think is something to do with the flowers".
What exactly I dont know but I would love to spend a day in her head.
Meanwhile, in the Gents.....
The same problem is beeping but no-one has reported that to me. However some stupid bastard put a fag end in the fish tank yesterday. Some people are shitheads. Why would you do that?
In other news.....(observations from the bar)
Holsten Pils sells well at Christmas and here doesn't do too well throughout the year. This is, I think, because Pils is the drink that people that dont drink go for. Isn't that strange. We go from selling bugger all to 2 cases in a week, most of them have been to women and most of themm have had lime cordial in them.
God I'm beyond interesting today! I might go and buy some batteries today for my camera and start putting some pictures on here to break up the monotony of me talking about holsten pils and toilets
Sunday, December 17, 2006
REASONS TO HATE BEAGLES PART 3
You know I'm in a moaning mood......
Kitchen bin upside down and chewed up rubbish all over the place. I'm so bored of his puppy like behaviour.
Work was busy and I drank enough vodka to stop treating everyone like I wished they weren't there. Infact I may have even smiled once.
Sounds like (the never to be mentioned again) Paul may be reaping what hes sown. His wife(or ex wife now, I don't know) emailed me to ask if me or my mates have been sending him nasty text messages cos hes rang her asking her if she knows anything about it cos hes been getting them.
Now I know I haven't done anything and I know my mates wont have.....so seems hes spurned someone else.
Im not surprised.
How come when Cilla in Coronation Street lies about having cancer I dont mind but when Pauline lies about having it in Eastenders I wish her dead? Funnily (or more importantly not funnily) enough I know 2 people that have told me they have cancer and they didnt.
I thought they were sick twisted fucks, I still do.
Who would do that?
I hated Cilla in Corra, always did but now I don't so much.
Maybe I am drunk
Kitchen bin upside down and chewed up rubbish all over the place. I'm so bored of his puppy like behaviour.
Work was busy and I drank enough vodka to stop treating everyone like I wished they weren't there. Infact I may have even smiled once.
Sounds like (the never to be mentioned again) Paul may be reaping what hes sown. His wife(or ex wife now, I don't know) emailed me to ask if me or my mates have been sending him nasty text messages cos hes rang her asking her if she knows anything about it cos hes been getting them.
Now I know I haven't done anything and I know my mates wont have.....so seems hes spurned someone else.
Im not surprised.
How come when Cilla in Coronation Street lies about having cancer I dont mind but when Pauline lies about having it in Eastenders I wish her dead? Funnily (or more importantly not funnily) enough I know 2 people that have told me they have cancer and they didnt.
I thought they were sick twisted fucks, I still do.
Who would do that?
I hated Cilla in Corra, always did but now I don't so much.
Maybe I am drunk
WINTER PIMMS
Afternoon.......
Umm, its Brandy based (cup no. 3 as opposed to cup no. 1 - the summer one).
Anyway, I've mixed a whole load of it with hot apple juice and slices of clementines to knock out today in the most lovely bodum Pimms mugs that I have.
Hot booze rules.
Tomorrow I'm going to do mulled wine me thinks....unless the everyone is loving the Pimms.
Blah blah flippin blah.....sorry, I'm boring as owt today.
I'm a moaning machine.
I am not loving having to work all the time, my next night off wil be 3rd Jan cos stupid Cath3rine works stupid Christmas day doen't she. With any luck I will have a day off on the 4th, then I can sleep. So glad this is my last Christmas here. I proper hate this time of the year, anyway, I best put on some make-up and go downstairs and pretend to be all full of joy and happy christmas bobbins. I'm (surprise surprise) short staffed tonight so I have to do it, again.
Ok, thats all off my chest. Maybe I should just drink....yes, that sounds favourite.
Umm, its Brandy based (cup no. 3 as opposed to cup no. 1 - the summer one).
Anyway, I've mixed a whole load of it with hot apple juice and slices of clementines to knock out today in the most lovely bodum Pimms mugs that I have.
Hot booze rules.
Tomorrow I'm going to do mulled wine me thinks....unless the everyone is loving the Pimms.
Blah blah flippin blah.....sorry, I'm boring as owt today.
I'm a moaning machine.
I am not loving having to work all the time, my next night off wil be 3rd Jan cos stupid Cath3rine works stupid Christmas day doen't she. With any luck I will have a day off on the 4th, then I can sleep. So glad this is my last Christmas here. I proper hate this time of the year, anyway, I best put on some make-up and go downstairs and pretend to be all full of joy and happy christmas bobbins. I'm (surprise surprise) short staffed tonight so I have to do it, again.
Ok, thats all off my chest. Maybe I should just drink....yes, that sounds favourite.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
MY OH MY
I thought next Friday was to be the busy Friday before Christmas.
Today was mentally busy.
Some woman who was all up my arse to begin with later made a pain of herself by nearly kicking off with someone. I was quite rubbish, I took no side in the arguement told her to ignore the other person cos I was too busy and if she still had a problem about it tomorrow then come and talk to me.
She wont, well, I hope she doesn't.
This other shaven haired guy was all over the place, he dropped his pint so I went to tell him that maybe it was better if he left. He was so insulted because he "hadn't had a drink all night" (he tells me whilst stumbling standing up and breathing stale beer all over me).If it wasn't so comical I'd cry.
"So Cath3rine", they ask me...."will you miss the job?"
Hell no.
Being responsible for drunk people is not my ideal job.
Elsewhere in the real world...
Go on Lou...the prossie still working in Ipswich.
Make hay whilst the sun shines, that's what I always say.
She's got the market covered now there is no competition.
No, I'm kidding.
With cameras on her all the time I cant imagine shes being kept that busy. Who would pick up a prostitute in Ipswich knowing the whole world was focused on them? I'm thinking its a publicity stunt (not the murders, but the saying she is still working)
I totally dont get it. I dont know if you watch sky news as much as I appear to be doing but they report "Lou" is still working the streets.
How, why and WTF?
In other news....
I've just had a veggie kebab and chips, it was immense.
Today was mentally busy.
Some woman who was all up my arse to begin with later made a pain of herself by nearly kicking off with someone. I was quite rubbish, I took no side in the arguement told her to ignore the other person cos I was too busy and if she still had a problem about it tomorrow then come and talk to me.
She wont, well, I hope she doesn't.
This other shaven haired guy was all over the place, he dropped his pint so I went to tell him that maybe it was better if he left. He was so insulted because he "hadn't had a drink all night" (he tells me whilst stumbling standing up and breathing stale beer all over me).If it wasn't so comical I'd cry.
"So Cath3rine", they ask me...."will you miss the job?"
Hell no.
Being responsible for drunk people is not my ideal job.
Elsewhere in the real world...
Go on Lou...the prossie still working in Ipswich.
Make hay whilst the sun shines, that's what I always say.
She's got the market covered now there is no competition.
No, I'm kidding.
With cameras on her all the time I cant imagine shes being kept that busy. Who would pick up a prostitute in Ipswich knowing the whole world was focused on them? I'm thinking its a publicity stunt (not the murders, but the saying she is still working)
I totally dont get it. I dont know if you watch sky news as much as I appear to be doing but they report "Lou" is still working the streets.
How, why and WTF?
In other news....
I've just had a veggie kebab and chips, it was immense.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
CREAM OF SUM YUNG GUY
I went to my favourite place today.
Well, one of my favourite places.....W.H Lungs in Manchester.
I love the chinese warehouse. I bought a whole load of random cheap crap, half of which I dont know what it is. Some of those nice banana cakes, a bottle of tabasco as big as a bottle of wine, a box of strawberry chinese popping candy,A&W rootbeer and a load of frozen dim sum...oh and what I went for in the first place, namely roasted chestnuts and pizza flavoured bread sticks to sell in the pub.
Me and Mr James Lavin have been working on my new "menu" for the boozer whilst enjoying guinness. My new "menu" will be award winning I tells thee. I'll wait until its finished until I post it on here. You will have seen nothing like it before!
Congratulations to Sam and Dave who got engaged today, yay.
Well, I will have to go now cos Jeremy keeps putting his paws all over my keypad and its really beginning to tits me off
Well, one of my favourite places.....W.H Lungs in Manchester.
I love the chinese warehouse. I bought a whole load of random cheap crap, half of which I dont know what it is. Some of those nice banana cakes, a bottle of tabasco as big as a bottle of wine, a box of strawberry chinese popping candy,A&W rootbeer and a load of frozen dim sum...oh and what I went for in the first place, namely roasted chestnuts and pizza flavoured bread sticks to sell in the pub.
Me and Mr James Lavin have been working on my new "menu" for the boozer whilst enjoying guinness. My new "menu" will be award winning I tells thee. I'll wait until its finished until I post it on here. You will have seen nothing like it before!
Congratulations to Sam and Dave who got engaged today, yay.
Well, I will have to go now cos Jeremy keeps putting his paws all over my keypad and its really beginning to tits me off
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
THINGS I WILL MISS ABOUT LIVING HERE....
1. Random strangers coming up to me in the street and giving me things.
I was just walking through town when this older man starts staring from across the road.He shouts excuse me and runs up to me. He asks if Im the landlady of Porters, I say yes and he tells me how hes been working in Wales tearing down Canarfon (sp?) Rugby Club. He tells me that he found some old rugby ball lying in the rubble and its the last ball ever played there or something.Apparently it has mud and blood on it. He said he knew that I had a lot of rugby stuff in the pub and that I could have it. Hes dropping it in tomorrow. Never seen him before in my life.
I was just walking through town when this older man starts staring from across the road.He shouts excuse me and runs up to me. He asks if Im the landlady of Porters, I say yes and he tells me how hes been working in Wales tearing down Canarfon (sp?) Rugby Club. He tells me that he found some old rugby ball lying in the rubble and its the last ball ever played there or something.Apparently it has mud and blood on it. He said he knew that I had a lot of rugby stuff in the pub and that I could have it. Hes dropping it in tomorrow. Never seen him before in my life.
Over 117,000 live in Ipswich.
Over 150,000 live in Macclesfield.
Ipswich has a red light district so Im guessing Macclesfield must have one too. Do we? I am not aware of one but there must be one. A taxi driver once told me there were working girls outside the college on Park Lane but I think he got cofused with chavs waiting for the 38 bus.
Over 150,000 live in Macclesfield.
Ipswich has a red light district so Im guessing Macclesfield must have one too. Do we? I am not aware of one but there must be one. A taxi driver once told me there were working girls outside the college on Park Lane but I think he got cofused with chavs waiting for the 38 bus.
SKY NEWS
Did you know that to be called a serial killer you must have killed 5 or more over a period of 30 days. If you kill 5 in 10 days you are spree killer or a mass murderer. Doesnt sound that impressive (if the killer has Munchausen or seeks the notoriety Morrissey sang of).
Already they are going on about how the dead girls were drug takers and are prostituting themselves to buy drugs.
I hate sky news, I hate how they dedicate all the programme to something and end up asking anyone who will talk to them what their opinion is.They even brought in Jaqui Hames that is no longer a police officer and no longer on Crimewatch.
Its like pop years on sky one, Im just waiting for them to ask the cast of Dream Team who they think is the killer.
One journalist just asked if they are working with the team that worked on the Yorkshire Ripper case. WTF? That was the early 80's, surely they arent even in the job anymore. besides, they werent that hot at finding him, Wearside Jack or no Wearside Jack.
Asking that question is like asking if they were forming a crack team of Quincy, Morse, Wexford, J.P. Fletcher, Marple, Poirot, Taggart, Rockford,Father Dowling, Sister Steve,the woman in Silent Witness that scares me,Ironside,Magnum, Hammer and who ever Dick Van Dyke played in Diagnosis Murder to work on the case.
Did I forget anyone?
Already they are going on about how the dead girls were drug takers and are prostituting themselves to buy drugs.
I hate sky news, I hate how they dedicate all the programme to something and end up asking anyone who will talk to them what their opinion is.They even brought in Jaqui Hames that is no longer a police officer and no longer on Crimewatch.
Its like pop years on sky one, Im just waiting for them to ask the cast of Dream Team who they think is the killer.
One journalist just asked if they are working with the team that worked on the Yorkshire Ripper case. WTF? That was the early 80's, surely they arent even in the job anymore. besides, they werent that hot at finding him, Wearside Jack or no Wearside Jack.
Asking that question is like asking if they were forming a crack team of Quincy, Morse, Wexford, J.P. Fletcher, Marple, Poirot, Taggart, Rockford,Father Dowling, Sister Steve,the woman in Silent Witness that scares me,Ironside,Magnum, Hammer and who ever Dick Van Dyke played in Diagnosis Murder to work on the case.
Did I forget anyone?
LAST NIGHT....
I went to whatever The Bulls Head at Mottram is called now. I drank my signature going out for dinner drink (campari and tonic) then alot of wine and champagne. It was lovely although strangely not filling. I can usually do 2 courses, to want to do 3 is quite rare (not cos I'm Karen Carpenter, more because I eat all quick like Homer Simpson so I get full fast.)
So after my spaghetti we move to a different table so Claire, Chris and Linds could smoke, we ask if we can order our desserts there. They bring us the menu, me and Claire decide to share a cheese board.
Time passes, the drink has all gone, we decide to go. I tell the waiter that although we ordered the desserts a while ago they hadnt come, it was ok but we had decided to leave.
Linds (who was sbber and driving) then informs me that we never actually ordered the desserts. Umm, that wiuld explain it. So I came back to the pub and, yes AGAIN put my R Kelly Trapped In The Closet dvd on the big screen. It was by request. I think I know all the words now
So after my spaghetti we move to a different table so Claire, Chris and Linds could smoke, we ask if we can order our desserts there. They bring us the menu, me and Claire decide to share a cheese board.
Time passes, the drink has all gone, we decide to go. I tell the waiter that although we ordered the desserts a while ago they hadnt come, it was ok but we had decided to leave.
Linds (who was sbber and driving) then informs me that we never actually ordered the desserts. Umm, that wiuld explain it. So I came back to the pub and, yes AGAIN put my R Kelly Trapped In The Closet dvd on the big screen. It was by request. I think I know all the words now
I AM SO....show me the way to go home
im tired and i want to go to bed.................
Beyond drunk.
I'm tired amd I want to go to bed,,,
Beyond drunk.
I'm tired amd I want to go to bed,,,
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
G-A-Y
My hounds are usually quiet gay but they are really hamming it up at the moment.
Jeremy has taken to using the hat I bought to wear in New York the winter I went when Scott had "the worst birthday ever" (his words people, not mine...) as a shag piece. Jeremy keeps running in front of Benson , (who has taken to barking in a geordie girl voice) and then proceed to bang the hat in to next week, making Benson all frisky and excitable and attempt to stick his lipstick in his.......
....wait for it.....
...surprisingly, in his side.
I think they are confused in more than one way. Its my own fault, I have never had 'the talk' with them so Im not surprised they are doing it wrong.
I wonder, did Lassie do any porn before she broke Hollywood? I could stick that on then they could learn the error of their ways
Jeremy has taken to using the hat I bought to wear in New York the winter I went when Scott had "the worst birthday ever" (his words people, not mine...) as a shag piece. Jeremy keeps running in front of Benson , (who has taken to barking in a geordie girl voice) and then proceed to bang the hat in to next week, making Benson all frisky and excitable and attempt to stick his lipstick in his.......
....wait for it.....
...surprisingly, in his side.
I think they are confused in more than one way. Its my own fault, I have never had 'the talk' with them so Im not surprised they are doing it wrong.
I wonder, did Lassie do any porn before she broke Hollywood? I could stick that on then they could learn the error of their ways
LAST NIGHT.....
So,I was in Tescos queuing up at the cigarette kiosk and that f*ckwit Gordon Ramsey was in front of me swearing at the girl working there cos they had run out of 10 packs of Richmond Blue. Now I hate the pumice stone faced tw*t so I tell him to lay of the girl,be a man and commit to smoking packs of 20.
He turns to look at me and explains he is trying to quit the fags and he is only shouting cos he is stressed. He is having a dinner party on his narrow boat that evening and someone has let him down with one of the courses. He said that I could come along if I brought a dish. I asked him if parsnip soup was ok? He said no, it was shit and not that inventive. I explained how I would use roasted parsnips and maple sirrup. At the mention of maple sirrup he smiled and said if I finished it off with ground nutmeg then it was a deal.
So I began running around Tescos looking for the nutmeg only they had moved it and started stocking farming machinery where the spices used to be. The store was to close in 5 minutes and my old knee injury flared up making it hard for me to run and find the spices. "Why the hell are you selling John Deer tractor spares?" I asked the manager, "do you not think nutmeg is more important at this time of the year?"
Evidentally not as Tesco had decided to no longer stock schwartz (or their own equivilant) they said spices were the worst selling item in Tescos Metro Macclesfield and I would have to go to the big Tescos if I wanted any.
God, it comes to something when your dreams are more boring than real life.
Actually, last night wasn't so bad (except when I shouted at this couple for both going into the ladies (a man and a woman). After a few badly made sarcastic comments from me about how she was all over the place and couldnt even walk through the busy pub unaided, I found out she was infact blind."Blind drunk you mean" quips I-to her mate when he told me.
I thought he was joking.
He wasn't.
Still, you'd think she could pee on her own.
He turns to look at me and explains he is trying to quit the fags and he is only shouting cos he is stressed. He is having a dinner party on his narrow boat that evening and someone has let him down with one of the courses. He said that I could come along if I brought a dish. I asked him if parsnip soup was ok? He said no, it was shit and not that inventive. I explained how I would use roasted parsnips and maple sirrup. At the mention of maple sirrup he smiled and said if I finished it off with ground nutmeg then it was a deal.
So I began running around Tescos looking for the nutmeg only they had moved it and started stocking farming machinery where the spices used to be. The store was to close in 5 minutes and my old knee injury flared up making it hard for me to run and find the spices. "Why the hell are you selling John Deer tractor spares?" I asked the manager, "do you not think nutmeg is more important at this time of the year?"
Evidentally not as Tesco had decided to no longer stock schwartz (or their own equivilant) they said spices were the worst selling item in Tescos Metro Macclesfield and I would have to go to the big Tescos if I wanted any.
God, it comes to something when your dreams are more boring than real life.
Actually, last night wasn't so bad (except when I shouted at this couple for both going into the ladies (a man and a woman). After a few badly made sarcastic comments from me about how she was all over the place and couldnt even walk through the busy pub unaided, I found out she was infact blind."Blind drunk you mean" quips I-to her mate when he told me.
I thought he was joking.
He wasn't.
Still, you'd think she could pee on her own.
Monday, December 11, 2006
GIRLS ALOUD
I still havent decided if I like them or not but I have decided that I like parsnips more than broccolli...and broccolli has always been my favourite vegetable. Until now.
SO ITS MONDAY
I havent had a drink for 5 whole days yet still I wake up with, what feels like a hangover. Not good.
I was just in Barracuda for a pubwatch meeting, by the time it ended I was thinking how maybe I should sack off today and go out on the lash instead. I shouldn't really, I do have lots to do. Today I was planning on finally working out whether or not I like Girls Aloud. I still haven't formed an opinion on this pressing issue yet, and as they are always on the telly I think its only right for me to know if I think they are cool or not. It's so hard. I'm so 50/50.
I did decide that I wasn't going to drink until after Christmas (well, until Christmas Eve anyway) so maybe I shall stick with that plan. I'll do the washing up and spend that time deciding on if I like or don't like Girls Aloud.
Multi-tasking is my middle name after all.
I was just in Barracuda for a pubwatch meeting, by the time it ended I was thinking how maybe I should sack off today and go out on the lash instead. I shouldn't really, I do have lots to do. Today I was planning on finally working out whether or not I like Girls Aloud. I still haven't formed an opinion on this pressing issue yet, and as they are always on the telly I think its only right for me to know if I think they are cool or not. It's so hard. I'm so 50/50.
I did decide that I wasn't going to drink until after Christmas (well, until Christmas Eve anyway) so maybe I shall stick with that plan. I'll do the washing up and spend that time deciding on if I like or don't like Girls Aloud.
Multi-tasking is my middle name after all.
ERGH!
There is a reason I dont like having my picture taken, I always look miserable(no teeth) or like Chandler from Friends (forced smile with teeth).
Guess which catorgory this falls into? There is an even worse one on the site Nina just sent me with a load of Frank pictures from in here last week...
frank at porters pictures are here
Sunday, December 10, 2006
WHAT A DIPSTICK
Its Sunday night and Im crying at the Sports Personality of the Year programme on the telly.
I think my hormones must be deffective.
I hate sport.
I think my hormones must be deffective.
I hate sport.
Friday, December 08, 2006
RANDOMS OFF MY CAMERA....
Here are the presents I wrapped to give out to everyone who came to watch Frank here on Tuesday.....
The houses to the right of the pub (as you look at it from outside)....
Mr Benson catching a quick snooze on the sofa next to the tree whilst I was cleaning....
The fantasic light switch I made for Frank to turn the Christmas Tree Lights on....
The houses to the left of me (as you look at the pub from outside), these are the ones I think they want to knock down....
Thursday, December 07, 2006
VIRTUAL MOANING
Don't bother reading this....I'm just going to moan and it will be boring.
I have had a headache for days, ibuprofen just isn't working anymore. Its my left eye....at least the redness that was there last week has gone now it just hurts.
I'm trying to be happy behind the bar but its that bloody smokey in here that I cant muster a smile. I hope my new glasses come tomorrow, I really need a break from my contact lenses.
Okay, moan over.
The chuffing beagle has nicked 7 raw sausages from the cupboard top whilst I was on the phone. This means of course it will be squitsville for him tomorrow. Have you ever tried to pick up dog poo when it is like soup? OMG, and he always does those ones when we are right at the front of the queue of traffic at the lights so everyone has to watch my pathetic attempt to bag splat.
I have had an idea though, what if I took a pack of smash with me or indeed wallpaper paste? Then I could sprinkle it on top, stir at it with a stick until it formed a solid. No, hang on, that would just make me sick.
Would you like to hear about the best shit Jeremy ever had? Unfortunatley no one saw this master piece.....
We walked up Buxton Road to get on the canal by the Puss In Boots. There is a bridge there over it with white railings. Jeremy twirled around with his dangerous end pointing between the bars and curled one off into the canal 15 feet below. Surely the best poo stick story ever! It made a right splash. Alas no passing narrow boat nor on lookers in sight.
He ate half a yellow sponge cloth yesterday. I forgot about it until he shat bright yellow on the Middlewood Way today, it took me a while to figure out what it was!
Forgive me, Im not usually so facinated with dog shit, but not that much has happened today. Fingers crossed my life may become a little more interesting tomorrow. Then again, it probably wont.
I have had a headache for days, ibuprofen just isn't working anymore. Its my left eye....at least the redness that was there last week has gone now it just hurts.
I'm trying to be happy behind the bar but its that bloody smokey in here that I cant muster a smile. I hope my new glasses come tomorrow, I really need a break from my contact lenses.
Okay, moan over.
The chuffing beagle has nicked 7 raw sausages from the cupboard top whilst I was on the phone. This means of course it will be squitsville for him tomorrow. Have you ever tried to pick up dog poo when it is like soup? OMG, and he always does those ones when we are right at the front of the queue of traffic at the lights so everyone has to watch my pathetic attempt to bag splat.
I have had an idea though, what if I took a pack of smash with me or indeed wallpaper paste? Then I could sprinkle it on top, stir at it with a stick until it formed a solid. No, hang on, that would just make me sick.
Would you like to hear about the best shit Jeremy ever had? Unfortunatley no one saw this master piece.....
We walked up Buxton Road to get on the canal by the Puss In Boots. There is a bridge there over it with white railings. Jeremy twirled around with his dangerous end pointing between the bars and curled one off into the canal 15 feet below. Surely the best poo stick story ever! It made a right splash. Alas no passing narrow boat nor on lookers in sight.
He ate half a yellow sponge cloth yesterday. I forgot about it until he shat bright yellow on the Middlewood Way today, it took me a while to figure out what it was!
Forgive me, Im not usually so facinated with dog shit, but not that much has happened today. Fingers crossed my life may become a little more interesting tomorrow. Then again, it probably wont.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
I'm feeling a little bit delicate considering I only drank bitter last night.
Frank arrived about 6.15, I was quite nervous....you know, meeting your heros and all that. He loved the pub. He had forgotten his keyboard stand so he borrowed my ironing board. The highlight of the evening for me is when my Mom ran up to him mid- raffle draw asking Frank "would you sign my husbands 12 inch?" whilst offering him Dads 12" of Frank Sidebottom salutes the magic of Queen and Kylie Minogue.
I loved yeaterday, it was ace. I am hoping someone will send me some picture of it cos my batteries died in my camera right at the beginning of the night.
The photographer from the Macc Express came and took lots of pictures for their out on the town feature which will be out next week. Me and Frank Sidebottom infront of the christmas tree....legendary.
He has just confirmed and will definatley come back and perform here on Wednesday 3rd January so everyone who didnt get a ticket last night can come then. I feel quite proud to have donated one of my nun costumes to the man, thus creating Sister Sidebottom (from France). Hee hee hee.
So as its my 32nd birthday then as well it will be a jelly and ice cream affair, maybe with chilli instead of hot pot. I'll have to sell tickets again but I think its definatley worth it. Suppose I better start making them then I can sell them over Christmas. You know I will, I really will.....Thankyou.
Frank arrived about 6.15, I was quite nervous....you know, meeting your heros and all that. He loved the pub. He had forgotten his keyboard stand so he borrowed my ironing board. The highlight of the evening for me is when my Mom ran up to him mid- raffle draw asking Frank "would you sign my husbands 12 inch?" whilst offering him Dads 12" of Frank Sidebottom salutes the magic of Queen and Kylie Minogue.
I loved yeaterday, it was ace. I am hoping someone will send me some picture of it cos my batteries died in my camera right at the beginning of the night.
The photographer from the Macc Express came and took lots of pictures for their out on the town feature which will be out next week. Me and Frank Sidebottom infront of the christmas tree....legendary.
He has just confirmed and will definatley come back and perform here on Wednesday 3rd January so everyone who didnt get a ticket last night can come then. I feel quite proud to have donated one of my nun costumes to the man, thus creating Sister Sidebottom (from France). Hee hee hee.
So as its my 32nd birthday then as well it will be a jelly and ice cream affair, maybe with chilli instead of hot pot. I'll have to sell tickets again but I think its definatley worth it. Suppose I better start making them then I can sell them over Christmas. You know I will, I really will.....Thankyou.
TONIGHT WAS UNDOUBTABLY..........
the best night I have ever had in the pub.
And, FYI frank has confirmed to play on my birthday. Im so excited x
And, FYI frank has confirmed to play on my birthday. Im so excited x
Monday, December 04, 2006
Saturday, December 02, 2006
ARE YOU THERE SIDNEY?
Okay, so last night I went to see the locally renowned spiritualist medium lady Ursula. Now I have heard dozens of stories from people that have been to see her, stories that make you come over all cold and bring a tear to your eye.
I know everyone is different but I well belive in all of that buisness. Not sure why, I have never seen a ghost or anything like that. My mom has and I believe her when she tells me stuff, so they must be real.
Now, I didnt go to hear from someone imparticular, I am quite lucky and havent had to deal with a lot of death. She said I may not know of some of the spirits who may come along as they could be distant relations.Firstly she said Jake was in the room (my ex boyfriends brother who took his own life after his wife Jane died of cancer) and Jane was there too.She knew that Jane died before I met her. Then Jon and Leanne were there who died in a car crash.....
Now, I know that in this small town she will have heard of these people so you could say she could easily guess that a person of my age would have been friends with these people. I however believe it. Shes a beautiful little 78 years old lady.
She asked if I knew of a Mary. Now my great grandmother was called Mary, I had forgotten bout this as I had never met her but we did go and visit her grave in Candada in August and it took us ages to find it. I mean ages, there was about 12 of us spread out searching for it. I said no, I didnt know a Mary but then she said how Mary knew I went to see her recently and it took so long to find her. Then I remembered and went all cold. Then Ursula described my Nana and asked if she liked pink carnations. Nana died time ago and I didnt really remember so she said I should ask my Mom. I did, she said that Blanche's favourite flowers were indeed pink carnations. There was more random stuff like that....She said my Granpa was buried in a uniform (not army or something but a uniform) I said he wasnt but apparently Mom says he was.
Then she read my cards, not tarot just regular playing cards. She told me what they meant and I was amazed to hoe they related to me. Seems my moving to Canada is the best thing to do and I'll be settled there by August. She even described where in Canada we were heading, which she could never guess, ever.
Told me to write down Mammoth Mountain as it was going to feature in my future and Yosemite. She said it wouldn't make sense to me now but it will one day. What else? I have to stop a man from drink driving in the next 4 weeks and look out for a olive/dark skinned man dealing drugs in a narrow corridor with a thick neck cos it could get in trouble before I leave in June. She said someone was going to have a baby girl. I took it she was talking about Claire but strangley when Claire went in to see her after me she never mentioned it.
I have had many past lives, I have lived in egypt and I should avoid the Middle East, oh and Nuns kept coming in the room to bless me. She said I had good protection around me and I was going to be alright as I had good guides. Umm, and it seems two men will be fighting for my attention...I should go for the one who has his feet firmly on the ground and not rush it to anything.
Okay, I admit it soulnd shit but it was brilliant.
Bizarrly kept going on about some polish person....dont get that bit at all.
Friday, December 01, 2006
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