I CAN SEE IT NOW, IM GOING TO BE IN THE SUN

Yesterday I woke up with a strange lump on my lip. This morning I wake up and my lips have ballooned. I am not joking, they are massive. MASSIVE.
Obviously when Lynne Perrie died she didnt leave us and is using me as her vehicle to stay on this earth. Id rather be in the paper for finding a crisp that looks like Elvis or Jesus not for being possesed by Poison Ivy Tilsley.
I am not joking....they are huge.

MY LATEST EBAY BUY

"Put down your Carling and step away from the bar"



Yes, I've bought a megaphone. It is awesome. It came today, I installed the batteries and let Jeremy bark his brains out through it.

Crazy Sophie update.... Just spoke to Mick. Seems she cut through his guitar strings and trashed loads of his stuff last night. Me thinks she has a problem with that nutcase Polish Kate.I can see her point!I wouldnt want her in my house. I think it stems from when Kate went off with one of Sophs conquests one night....They so need to do a Partridge Green tv programme documentary of this pub. Its full of weird.

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY...

I had my first colonic.

Sweet x

WINE RULES x

I have what looks like two cocks drawn on my knee in biro. Going off past form I assume I was doing my take of Dawson (as in creek) who looks like my knee.Well, looks like my knee if I draw him on it.
I have the word "hard" written on my upper arm, a fish, anchor and "mum"in a heart lower down on my arm. The words love and hate (of course) on my knuckles and what looks like a borstal tear on my face. None of this is that surprising as I was on the wine last night but I cant work out the drawing on my neck, looks like packman. And I definatley didnt write "spit"on my right hand, Im good but not that ambidextrous.

I REMEMBER IT NOW IM SOBER...

A mother goes shopping in town with her baby. She cant get the pram in the butchers but figures its ok to leave it outside for a minute as she can keep an eye on it through the window.

To her surprise a man runs up to the pram and begins to hit the pram with the baby inside with a big stick. The woman runs outside and starts to shout at the man, the man continues to beat the baby with the stick and then smacks the lady in the face with it.

A policeman is called and tries to find out what is going on and the man hits him with the stick. The lady then grabs the stick and hits the man and the policeman with it.Not happy about this the policeman grabs the stick and hits the lady and the man with it and then in all this commotion a crocodile comes along and runs off with the womans sausages.

ANY TAKERS?

Im bored so Im off down poundland with my mates to stand in the middle of the shop,look gormless, take up as much room as possible and not move. No body is going to get past me, and if I do move then Im going to do it slowly.Im going to take an empty pram too.

If you share this interest do you fancy meeting up later? Say the Queens at 7.30? Then I can follow you in the toilets and beat the shit out of you, you bunch of ignorant tossers.

Fuck it, I hate poundland on pension day.
I need chocolate.
Has it really been this long (she looks back to when she gave it up...) bloody hell, 21 days?! That as Sue would say is indeed amazing. (Not as amazing as the maze at Dunham Massey which is made out of maise,but impressive all the same).

Cause for a celebration? Umm, yes.

I reasoned with myself yesterday and have concluded that it is ok to eat chocolate mousse (just dont tell the children) as it isnt really chocolate so I think I light run over to Tescos and buy a 6 pack.

Today I have been slightly productive and made a poster for Friday. Not my best work, infact its shit but its a start. I have ordered my pirate gear from tinternet cos poundland had nothing and I cant be arsed walking to Chestergate or Catherine Street. Yes I am aware it it would only take me 5 minutes.

Now I must go and find me a country outfit to go to the pictures in tonight. Think I'll wear my red cowboyesque boots from NYC. Very Jonny Cash

I DID THE WHAT SONG OF 2005 AM I?

Annie, there is NO WAY I am The Bloody Black Eyed Peas Dont Funk With My Heart. Your "what song of 2005 are you" thing is pants.

GUESS WHATS ON ITV4???

It takes me back to teatime when I was still at primary school, about 6pm I think it was....on BBC 2.



Thats right, only Monkey! I loved Monkey. Not as much as Claire Johnson who named her guinea pigs after Pigsie Sandy and Trippitaka.
Me, I had no guinea pigs only rabbits and a bizarre Burt Reynolds facination resulting in two of them being called Smokey and The Bandit.

If I ever have (and I doubt very much now I will) have kids I will never let them have a rabbit. They are shit. Even with kick ass names like The Bandit. I started with one (Mitzi.M.Tosis), thought it would be a laugh to put it in with Andrew Nixon's (who lived across the road) male rabbit and next news, after not being able to tell the baby boys from the baby girls I had 13 of the buggers.And rabbits dont do a lot either, although I will say this for them...they dont eat all your make up, shoes, underware and clothes like beagles do. Damn that beagle.

Todays beagle casualty....1 x new Estee Lauder liquid eyeliner (the one with the brush, not one of those rubbish felt pen tip ones)

LAST CHEATERS POST...HONEST

I don't want to waste my time away watching Cheaters....
I don't want to waste my time then blogging about it....
So, this is the last one, I promise.

Just took a break from the boring world of pub paperwork, as usual nothing on so I flicked it on Reality extra (is this a new one? I only got Reality TV and Reality TV+1 I'm sure)

It was showing a Classic Cheaters, one where the host is Tommy Grand and not Joel. Same leather jacket but hes older and well, I hate to admit it but so much better.

Tommy Grand is one twisted mo fo.He was proper winding up the people he was "helping", its no wonder the lady smacked her adulterous husband and then got prosecuted for common assault.

Tommy Grand, real name Tommy Habeeb, I salute you in a Wayne's World type way






http://www.americantvd.com/cheaters/trailer-uncensored-qt.html

YOU CAN ENTER SWEET WILLY THROUGH HIS HINDQUARTERS

Dog Bark Park Inn, Idaho

Sleep in the ‘World’s Biggest Beagle’ located in the Dog Bark Park in Cottonwood, Idaho. Beagle-loving owners Dennis and Frances Sullivan are self-taught chainsaw artists who made such a killing selling their wares on QVC that they built two giant beagles – named Toby and Sweet Willy. You can enter Sweet Willy through his hindquarters and find a queen-sized bed. In his nose – sadly not wet – you’ll find a reading room. Dennis and Frances were the recipients of the 2003 Take Pride in Idaho Cultural Tourism Award. Dog Bark Park Inn (00 1 208 962 3647, www.dogbarkparkinn.com) charge £55 per double room with B&B.


Would love to pretend the research was down to me but it was the Roller Boogie lover himself - Paul Watkin that found this weird one.

Oh, and Paul... in answer to your question.... I believe the person who counts the money underneath the bar may very well be the very person who rides the wrecking ball into rock guitars.

COUNCIL TAX

The proper numptie that I am forgot to notify the town hall when Marisa moved back to Oz last year. But it looks like I get my 25% discount I didnt claim from last year backdated as well as getting it this year (yeah!). Bloody direct debits, I totally forgot I was paying it.

I THINK CHEATERS IS CHEATING ON ME

Did you catch the Cheaters episode where they walked in on her boyfriend in a gimp mask in a hotel room on all fours being whipped by a seven foot tall dominatrix? He said it was his way of working some issues through....

It was too good to be true, do we think (god forbid) that maybe it was staged?

THE WAYMAN AND THE CARLISH

I never saw the Stalking Pete Doherty programme when it was first on tv.












And I have been known to be a bit of a Pete fan and am very sympathetic towards his plight. But OMG, Im afraid I would have twatted the creepy Max-in-Pete-up-Kate alot more than he did.
The programme was for me made worse as it was on Friday night after work, a night spent by constantly chasing Ben Wayman out of the pub. Now, I can see alot of similarities between Max "I know Pete a million times better than you do" Carlish and Ben "So you're one of the Mafia too" Wayman. Im not outing Wayman as being Bi-Polar nor Max as a paranoid drug experimenter....but has anyone seen these people together in the same room? Nah....didnt think so.



(I do love the wall paper though)

DIRRTY DAWG

HOW I GOT RID OF MY HANGOVER...

Well, I was either going to lay around on the settee all day with the neighbours, the doctors and my anal friend Mr Monk or go out in the rain and mud. Surprising even to me I opted for the second and I well shook off my thick head.

The beagle well loved his run out although by the end of it he looked more like one of the dogs off the RSPCA advert. Poor little Jeremy was raped by a dog calles Bollocks that lives in Bosley. Dont ever under estimate the cunningness (ha ha...no thats not a smart Billie Holiday reference - she was the one who used to let her hound "chow down" on her isn't she?) of the chiens.

As we rode through the farm Claire tells me of the dog called Bollocks that lives there and he always seems to have a poorly leg. (cows keep standing on him or something). It was no shock to see this dog walking on 3 legs in the cow shed then. It looked proper lame. But then, hey presto, one whiff of the beagle and it was a miracle.( The bastard followed us for miles and even tried to wipe his lipstick in Jeremys eye). I can only come to the conclusion that I caught the dog practicing his limp in private as he was soon running on all fours. So now I know dogs do this I am less worried about Benson who has developed a massively gay limp.

Yo Yo Yo, check out the horse in his berghaus. 

CATHERINER ATTEMPTS FLAIRING

oops! Still, half the bottle was saved. Does this count towards my 5 a day? 

 

I KNOW EVERYONE THINKS THEIR DOGS ARE GORGEOUS...

But mine really are 

WHAT A CARRY ON!

Tim, who must have been melting in those leather pants sat next to the fire has just rang me. He has (why does this sound rude?) lost his ring.

Now, one hasn't turned up here but I seem to remember someone wearing a ring that was...how do I say...new to the group? I wasnt paying attention but does anyone remember (excuse me again) seeing Tims ring?

FONDONTSDAY

Im joking.

But OH MY GOD the mouth is a mess of cheese, vodka and parma violets. I had a beautiful and insightful night, I feel like a changed person. Recently I have been hating myself as Im turning into some bitter cow (she cringes as she remembers having a go at the two lovers kissing on the tube). But from today I am going to make an effort to change my ways and stop pretending to be so fucking cool and ignorant. Otherwise (now dont get me wrong cos I love my Grandma) I am going to turn into my Grandma.

So, in my oscar style speech, I would like to thank Linds, Kay, Annie, the Heyes and the Johnson, Sam and a lady I dont really know who I think was also called Sam. You have created a new and improved happier Cath3rine.

Now I must gargle with bleach to remove the taste of a bottle of Parma Violet vodka from my mouth and see if the horse riding date with Claire that I made last night is still on. Im gonna run that beagle so hard he will sleep for a week. Then, take some pictures of it and pimp his ass till I can pimp no more.

Yes, Im quite upbeat today children.

LADIES....

I declare today Fonduesday. Meet at Porters 8.30ish. I shall be preparing a naughty vodka and white wine fondue with bread, veg grapes and everything. It will be untold.

Cheese rules!

IT GETS NO BETTER THAN THIS

"we have alot of friends in common and I hear now shes into...(big pause)....competitive kite flying." YEAH CHEATERS RULES!

NAILS

Did you know The Greco has had a gun pulled on him and as actually been stabbed? Man, the lenghts he wont go to to out them cheating mo fo's. I wonder how many hard as nails Joey "5 seconds" Greco has nailed in his big white cheating mobile after showing their other halves how their partners cant be trusted. There was this one lady the other night, the one whos husband was at that goth fair wearing a cape and he was well putting the moves on her....and I quote....

"you dont deserve to be treated like that. I would never treat you like that"

The creepy bastard. I hope he does a Jerry Springer and leaves Dallas for the UK.

RECURRING DREAMS

I was asked last week if I ever had recurring dreams. I was still half cut from the night before so my brain wasnt working. One week on I finally remember. Not because I had it last night but it was the same kind of dream......

It was a Tusday night and people in the pub wanted to watch rugby, liverpool and some rock awards on tv. I got it so something was on different tvs around the pub but then I as I went upstairs to put the correct sky channel on I couldnt do it. (This is because those bleeders at sky have moved some of the channels around I know.) The whole dream was me pressing 403 on the remote and it wouldnt come on, or it did but it was the wrong programme.

The night before was similar...I couldn't find the right key for the cellar. I had 2 massive bunches of keys but I couldnt find the right one.So someone managed to steal all the booze.

My recurring dream is the one where I finish serving booze and turn off the music, then everytime I turn around the pub is full and the music is well loud.Even if I unplug the stereo (and I have dismantled it in the past) it still come on.

I know they sound shit but they stress me out no end. Eat,sleep,breathing pubs is not as much fun as some may think....God I need a holiday.

CHEATERS

Easily the best programme on tv.

FACT.

I just came upstairs to let the dogs out and flicked it on reality tv+1 to hear the creepy shit stirring host Joel Grego say to the 'cheater' "Security? I dont need security.It'll take me 5 seconds to take you down. 5 seconds".

The bitch fight was one of the greatest also...The 'cheater bitch' went up to the 'cheated bitch' (after calling each other dirty ass ho's) and picked a single strand from her hair and carefully straightened it from root to tip. This is going to be my new fight move. Well, it would be my fight move if I indeed fought or was a character from some xbox fight game - Cath3rine the hair sectioner. BE VERY AFRAID.

Oops...best return to the bar.

IVE JUST THOUGHT...

How lucky am I? Besides me doing the unthyinkable and keeping my pin with my credit card they have agreed to refund the cash.

Remember back in November when I told you how I lost my purse avec roulette winnings and it was returned in tact?? Back then I promised to only do good deeds from there on in. Obviously this wasnt stuck to as I did start a fight/riot at the concert by pouring beer on 2 stupid Latvian gangley dancing birds who were annoying me and then let others take the blame.

THEREFORE THIS I PROMISE.......

I was giving up sweets and cake for lent (I had planned to fail and neck a few cadburys cream eggs today) well, I guess I better stick to it.

You have no idea how hard this will be, what with my 5 a day mini battenburg habit (the king of cakes) and my severe chocolate addiction. But, I need to balance my karma levels as I' all on the take at the minute. (I know technically I am the one to benift from chocolate and cake abstinance, and jobs may be lost at Mr Kiplings and Cadburys as sales plummit) but this is for Jesus kids.......

FRAUD UPDATE

Some bleeder took advantage of my pissed up forgetful state by going through the contents of my purse that I had left in the taxi on the way back from the Viloent Femmes.
First news I knew of this was when reception woke us up.
ring ring...ring ring... (thats the phone...its about 7am)

Kay: "hello"
Reception:"sorry for waking you, have you lost something?"
(Kay looks confused, in the back of her mind she is wondering what happened to her hair bobble)
blah blah blah
Reception:"WH0 IS HIGGINB0THAM?"

I could go on.....

The upshot is I left my purse in a cab and it was handed in to the hotel at 4am. No money (which was no surprise) and all cards correct except one.
So I ring them to report it.

Card people:"When is the last time you used it?"
Me:"£40, 9pm, Shepherds Bush (amazing recall you may think but it was just before the concert so I knew the time)
Card People:"so you didnt take out £200 this morning in Paddington?"

Now, I know I have been smashed all weekend now but definatley this did not happen.

I have just got off the phone with the security department of MBNA. Seems the money was taken out of an ATM at 7:04am at Paddington station. My money is on it being someone at the hotel....MBNA assure me heads will roll, in the meantime dont stay at the Hyde Hotel on Westbourne Terrace.