WHEN PEOPLE HAND IN THEIR NOTICE

Yes, finally it feels like things are moving.

I have just rang my boss and given my leaving date as Sunday 24th June. Thats just 24 days, yes, I'm counting them.(He has said I can change my mind if I want...he doesnt want me to leave!)

My parents have sold their house subject to blah blah blah and the new people are ready to move in July.

So, I just have to throw all my crap away and find somewhere for me and the hound to live from 24th June until we go.(I still do not have a date for this yet).

Dog wise heres the plan.... I love both of them so much but I really think that the travel and whole move thing would not be in Bensons best interests, I have cried myself to sleep about it for months now but have finally decided that Carla and John are going to have him.I am going to leave him behind. I know they will give him a great home and life. At the end of the day that is the most important thing - not how happy he makes me but how happy he is.

Jeremy however I think will handle the journey, hes about 9 years younger than Benson plus hes that badly behaved I wouldn't want to put anyone through the mither of looking after him. I will leave him with Claire Johnson when I first go, then he can come when we are settled and have found a house and moved in I will get him sent over. He'll love it with Claire, he loves the horses and whole country side thing.

So, I'm going to have to find me a little work here to keep me going until I leave.

WHEN PEOPLE LEARN RANDOM STUFF WHILE WATCHING THE BIOGRAPHY CHANNEL

Did you know that Larry Hagman didn't talk at all on Sundays for 25 years?

WHEN PEOPLE CANT THINK OF A TITLE

Ok, normal service resumes.

The wedding was lovely, the rain kept off and it was a well fancy do. Claires dress was like the ones you dream of when you are a kid, I have no pictures but I'm sure someone will send me some.

After some over enthusiastic dancing I managed to trash my bridesmaids dress when all but two of the buttons off the back popped off. God damn that bull/bull fighter dance move of mine. I had to get a taxi back to get changed, luckily it didnt take that long.

The next day we headed back to the marquee (as it was still up) to have a BBQ. It rained and as the beagle went off chasing rabbits and pheasents we tucked into two cases of Brothers Strawberry and Pear Cider. Ummmm. I had to come back about 9, is this really hayfever that I still have? Its making me feel so drained. If it doesnt sort itself out this week then Im going to that crazy Dr & Herbs place, they can cure me.

Local legend and all round superstar Ann Ross has made me a card. It truely is a thing of beauty. I cant scan due to its size and bizarre 3Dness of it, but when I find where I put the batteries for my camera I will take a picture of it.

I'm so fed up of here now, I really need to leave the pub. Maybe its because that I know Im leaving that I am less tolerante and less forgiving than usual, quite a few people in here have
left me feeling disappointed with them. The sad thing is, I really don't care.

What a divvy.
I have just cut my bloody finger open - nice and ready for my bridesmaid debuyt tomorrow.
Its not as bad as it first looked, Kay and Yarnold took me to casualty and I only needed stickey stitches.Luckily it was my left had. it looks a but messy, I'll just hold flowers all day - that'll be reet.

The weather is supposed to be shocking tomorrow - heavy rain. C'est non bon.

WHEN A LIGHT THAT BURNES SO BRIGHTLY,SUDDENLY BURNS SO PALE

The Bunny Suicides - fact or fiction??!!
Fact.

I saw two dead rabbits in the canal yesterday.

Ummm...Macclesfield Canal - so picturesque

WHEN PEOPLE WIN AWARDS

Hey hey, I have heard that we won CAMRA Pub Of The Year once again. How cool is that?

WHEN PEOPLE HAVE IDEAS

Right, I hope this will work.

As I am out of here in a few months I better start getting around to off loading some of my stuff.
I will be travelling light! I really cannot be bothered with ebay at all, well I might put a few things on there. I tried to car boot some stuff but I totally hated the whole car boot thing.

So, here is what I thought. I will post lists of stuff that I want to get rid of. I'm happy for everything to go for a quid. If you see something that you might want then claim it by posting a comment or email me at portersprince@aol.com. Ideally this is meant for people that near me so they can just come and pick it up off me at the pub but if you live further away then if not then leave a donation at the Canada fund paypal link and I will post it to you. Does that make sense? I don't know if you are even allowed to do this on here...hopefully it will work out...

I would appreciate it if as many people as possible would put it as a link on their page, its here
or cut and paste it http://evrythingsapound.blogspot.com/

I should start listing stuff later on today...

WHEN SPANISH BLOGS LIE

I just came across one saying RIP Clint Eastwood.
He isn't dead is he? If he is then someone better tell reuters cos they know nothing about it.

WHEN URBAN MYTHS STEM FROM FOSTERDAMUS

"Happy talking talking, happy talk,
Talk about things you'd like to do,
You've got to have a dream,
If you don't have a dream,
How you gonna make a dream come true?"

Does Captain Sensible sing "I'm such a Happy Cunt?" right at the end when the note drags on for ages, making it the only song to reach the dazzling heights of number one (way back in those different coloured fluroecent sock days of 1982) to use the "C" word??

Or is this mearly something Billy Foster told me which I have since repeated to many people and told them it factually?

Its just been on Top Of The Pops 2 and I'm not so sure.

So I googled 'Captain Sensible Happy Talk Cunt' and there is no mention of this fact, although I have now realised that hes not liked by many!

WHEN PEOPLE HAVE A BIG FINE

how dirty are you?

WHEN NEWS BREAKS AND IS UPDATED

Word to ya mamma...This dude


FYI..This is unconfirmed. I know of 2 other Anthony Kellys.
One went to my school and one is a bad lad from Knutsford.

Who knows or dares to dream?

WHEN NEWS BREAKS AND PEOPLE REALISE THEY ARE IN THE WRONG JOB

Breaking news...

Its 1 am and I have just heard from my roving reporter in the town - i.e. my brother (who is drinking in the millstone) that someone has stabbed the landlord of the Queens opposite the train station by a man with two knives who then got in a taxi which is still outside the pub with him in it and the police are trying to get him out of it. He didnt make it sound fatal, but frigging hell...getting stabbed? This job sucks.

I heard about a man I know (who I wont name) was in the Oxfford last week with two knives.

I'll wait until I see Eric in his taxi in the car park outside if he has heard anything. He always knows whats going on....

*goes to see if Erics taxi is in the car park*

WHEN PEOPLE STOP CRIME

Ok, it may not be the greatest unlawful act of the century, but barrel theft is a crime
Remember that people.

I got up at 6.45 and went into the room where I keep my bar towels which over looks the back yard.
A big white van reversed in to the space behind the pub. I figured they were working at the Senior Citizens hall but just watched to check.

Next news 2 men get out, open the back and start loading my empty barrels on it.

This is not good you understand cos we pay a deposit on them, so I ran down stairs and went through the fire exit that backs onto the roof. I shout "excuse me" a few times, I'm ignored. So I shout "Oi, what the hell do you think you are doing?" and go down tyhe stairs and out the gate.
There I see these two 40 odd year old Stoke Pikeys loading my barrels on to their empty van.
"We're builders duck, we just want to borrow them for our scaffolding".

Now I don't know shit about building and scaffolding but I have never seen any supported by different shaped barrels. I told them this, I also pointed out how you don't just take stuff without asking and made them take them off the wagon.

They did and drove off. The reg was RK05 something, Im pissed off with myself that I didn't write it down, I'm pissed off with myself that I didn't shout at them or get more angry. It wasn't until they had gone that I got annoyed.

This happened to me before.

About 7 years ago I was sat upstairs painting a table watching Home and Away. I heard the fire exit door close shut (its private). I waited to see if it was the useless man I was going out with at the time, Mark, back from work early - skiving as per usual. No one came around the corner so I went to look. I remember thinking to myself 'wouldn't it be funny if there was a stranger standing there?' and sure as eggs are eggs (never did get that) there one was. I asked him what he was doing, he gave me some story about how he was here to collect scrap. I told him to get out and he did. He had two mates sat on the fire escape as look outs. I bravely (ha ha, yeah right) gave him the finger as he walked away. Again, there I didn't get that angry until they had left.

I think I need to shout more.

WHEN PEOPLE HAVE BACK ACHE AND...

My tonsills are massive, my skin feels wrong, my mouth tastes of glue.
At least when I am ill I'm ill with two things at once. That really is taking multi-tasking to new heights. I've always thought multi-tasking would see the end of me. Not through this though, I'll end up doing two things at once and I'll probably die in some stupid multi-tasking accident...like drying my hair whilst in the bath and dropping the hair drier in the tub.

Sorry, feeling a bit sorry for myself at the minute.

Oh, and I still have the cold sore. I'm falling apart. I haven't felt this shit in a long time.

I've got the night off work so Im having an early night, but Im not going to bed until I have drank 2 litres of water. The glue taste isn't making this task easy.

WHEN PEOPLE HAVE TIGHT HAM STRINGS

Seems my tight ham strings probably lead to my bad back and I need to do yoga or something to help stretch them or else I might get it again. I think there is a yoga class in the Heritage centre across the road, they might even be tonight. I'll check it out. I suppose I should really go to the gym that Im a member of, it just I cant get into that exercises thing. I dont get it.

I must have lifted something and turned whilst lifting which strained the ligaments, so I had a bit of ultra sound and a machine that attaches itself by suction and felt like pins and needles.
She was lovely, gave me some exercises to do and said it will probably be gone in a few days. I hope so. Im so bored of it.

WHEN PEOPLE SEE MEDIUMS

I have just seen Mavis.

SHE IS AMAZING.

She taped the whole half an hour for me but I cant find a tape player to listen to it on.

She knew I was planning on going to Canada to live. She said that it is the right thing to do. Canadians were written in gold in my cards apparentley.

She made contact with my Dads dad, my Mums mum, and my Nana. She knew who they were and how they died. She totally had me down to a T, and I dont need to worry cos my life is going to be excellent.

Cant ask more than that! I could go on but I wont bore you about how fantastic my life is going to be, how many kids Im going to have and when, but no word of a lie, that lady knew her stuff.


Claire went in after me, she knew she was exchanging deeds in 6 weeks, told her about her grandparents and the marriage. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

God, I feel good today.

WHEN THINGS FINALLY COME IN THE POST

My replacement Canadian Citizenship card came today. Now I can send off for my passport and then, yeah of yeah's I can leave.

This is cool cos for a while there it felt like I was getting no closer to leaving. My passport shouldn't take too long, someone has put an offer on my Mum and Dads house, as soon as thats sorted its goodbye Uk, hello Canada.

Yeah.

Im going to see Mavis today - word is shes the new Ursula (medium/psychic/fortune teller talks to dead people person). Im quite excited. Dont know what time we are there though cos we booked ages ago. I'll ring the Johnson.

Then I cant wait til I get my back sorted, it really is bad today.

Yesterday I went to Prestbury with Claire and Jane. Drank too much veuve again then some man called Chris the Greek bought us some more bottles, we picked up local character and skip dweller Gordon who it seems isn't allowed in most pubs and ended up in the Rodney.

WHEN PEOPLE SHOULDNT DRINK

OMG

I have never had backache before. Not really.
On Friday morning I got up, moved some barrels around in the cellar then finished mopping the floor. I was half way through mopping when it happened. I was just wringing out the mop then I nearly fell down with the pain. This is not what I needed as I had to go to Worcester for Heyes' hen do for the weekend.

I shouldn't have really worked at the beer festival on Friday night, I should have rested but I was looking forward to it so I did it anyway. Slowly and with heat pads.

It was good, I got to drink what ever I wanted and me and the Johnson had fun.

I worked til 5 on Saturday then met the ladies at the millstone at 6.30.
Got the train to Worcester via Birmingham, I dont remember much cos I think I had the lions share of the 5 bottles of champagne.

Its all a blur.

Sunday I woke up and was fine, but then the breakfast wasnt sitting well on my stomach so I threw that up. But then I felt good. Wore my big high red shoes and a black and white stripey halterneck dress from Primark last year. I didnt feel up to wearing the fascinator but I was happy to be called Pamela all day. This didnt last for long....I soon was spewing and then was ill all day. I must have chundered about 12 times.

I could only attempt soup.

It was throwing it down so we got 2 taxis to the race course. Our taxi got dropped us off on totally the wrong side of the course. So, in our heels we had to cross the course in the pouring rain, the horses we running and everything. It was hilarious.

So, I couldnt drink,my back was aching, I was soaking,there was nowhere to sit. I went again to be sick in the toilet. I locked myself in the toilet somehow and when I managed to get out there was a woman shouting at me because I was sick in the toliet. I didnt leave it a mess, what was her chuffing problem? Seems it disgusted her.Ideally I would rather have not had to get on my knees in the tiniest cubicle which had a pee splashed seat-which I wiped. Crunt. So, limping quite badly now, I made it upstairs to join the gang and a man that worked there came up to me to point out that my skirt was tucked up behind my bag.Everyone was staring, what would you do? Well, I just cried. Laughed about it and then cried. What a dick!

Blah blah blah, got back to Macc before 8 and went straight to bed. The back is still agony so Im booked in with a physio at 3 tomorrow. I cant wait cos this is shit shamone.




Other peoples hang overs are not like this. I think I have them for other people.

WHEN PEOPLE WASTE MONEY ON PRODUCTS

Right, you know this serum that is like hens teeth from Boots? It went back on sale last Friday and people were queuing up from 5am to buy some, and then it was only one tube per person. Apparentley some scientists tested it and said that it really did work on wrinkles so sales have gone through the roof.

They sold out of it at Macc straight away, they didnt get any more in until today - which I believe has also sold out.

Does that mean that if everyone is going nuts about something that has been proven to work then we have just been wasting or money on things that don't?

WHEN PEOPLE HAVE RECURRING DREAMS

That's the second time this week I have dreamt that I was a gecko.

Whats that all about?

WHEN PEOPLE CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW CHEAP MINI BATTENBURGS ARE IN TESCOS

I know, I need to blank them from they mind.

I was thinking how £20 would get you 150 mini battenburgs, thats so many you wouldn't know what to do with them.

I then began to imagine having that many battenburgs that you had enough to play with. I wondered if you could infact play jenga with them. So me Lindsay and Cress put in a few quid and bought 60 battenburgs.

For the record, you cannot play Jenga with battenburgs. So there I was left with too many battenburgs, too many even for me to eat. So what else could you do with that many battenburgs? Cut them in half and play Domino Battenburg Rally.






(I saved these pictures the other way around....why have they reverted them??Wurrr)

.......Nice diamond formation.......
......Cress's ramp......

....they started to fall....

Now you know what goes on in here when we close.

Needless to say, my hands are that sticky now and they were tricky to keep upright (the jam was melting under the lights) that I dont actually think I will eat another mini battenburg again.

I am cured.

WHEN PEOPLE NEED TO USE FACINATORS AS A DISTRACTION

Seems I will be needing it more than I thought.

Yep, thats right.
For the second time in my life I am getting a cold sore.

Nice, just in time for the weekend.

WHEN BEAGLES TYPE

,/jyoc fvv

we4rdiuj[p-;'.p[';-pool7ujy

---------------

Yes, thats the genius Jeremy has to share with us tonight.


How many monkeys sitting at how many typewriters for how long is it supposed to be until you get the entire works of Shakespeare?

Didn't Chumbawumba get their name from something typed by monkeys?

Well, the hyperactive and somewhat horny beagle (his lipstick is apparent as I type) walked over my keypad and had left us that. Erm, "we 4 r diu". Exactly.

Remember that woman who thought that there was a paedo living opposite her. Well, turns out I know the man in question. He's different but there is no harm in him. He was talking to me about how he was getting loads of hassle of people cos this lady was going around telling people he was a kiddy fiddler. I asked if he lived near P******** Rd, he said yes. I said I know the lady in question. I talked to her telling her my doubts, that I thought the guy was ok. She said she knew that, that she had cleared it all up with him and the neighours.It was a bit of a misunderstanding - but he still shouldnt just take pictures of kids. He came in again banging on about the injustice of it all blah blah blah, I began to listen and explain things, I told him I knew she had sorted it with him, he didnt listen and repeated himself again.I knew this was going to go on and on so I reminded him it had little to do with me and he should just drop it.

(I think the beagle was making more sense than I am).

Im working at the beer festival on Friday night, Im quite looking forward to it. Then Im off to Worcester for Claires hen weekend do on Saturday then we go to the races on Sunday. I hope its a penis straw free zone. I havent decided on my outfit for the races yet but I have got me a facinator to wear. I had no idea thats what they were called.
A fascinator....I love that.
Its facinating.(but of course not as amazing as a maze of maize)July 15th and counting.

WHEN SUPERMARKETS MAKE LIFE HARD

Tesco's have only put Mr Kiplings pack of five mini battenbergs on a buy 3 for £2 deal.
Do you know how hard that was to pass up?

WHEN PEOPLE GUESS WHAT THEIR PRESENT IS

Am I right?

WHEN FIRST IMPRESSIONS GO OUT THE WINDOW

Ha ha, there were these two lads in last night from Salford. One looked like a right meat head. A right bruiser. They were in their late mid/late 20's and had never been to Macc before. It was the funniest thing I had seen, at the end of the night they were stood in the middle of the pub doing that hand clapping thing that girls used to do in primary school, you know..."My name is piccolo high low high low piccolo high low piccolo....." (or something like that) and cos they were a bit smashed they kept making mistakes and blaming each other. I told them they should swap places, then they would get it right (which was a joke cos its the same which ever way they stood) but they both went "Yeah yeah, thats whats wrong, we are standing at the wrong ends" and they swapped places.Then, just when I thought I couldn't stop laughing they broke in to some song from Labyrinth (which I hadn't seen ).
Classic.

WHEN PEOPLE MISS THIER FRIDGE

That Westons Scrumpy is mighty fine stuff. Its just like juice.
I sported my neckercheif, waistcoat and string all day yesterday and woke up still singing Wurzels songs. It was fun but I couldn't do it again today. God, I hope its not too busy today - but you know it will.

I totally cannot get enough of these Dallas re-runs on UK Gold.I was too young to watch all the early stuff like this when it was first on tv. I remember my Mum and Dad had everyone over for the episode when they found out who shot JR. I didnt watch it then, it was well past my bed time.I had a "Who shot hissing Sid?" badge instead. I loved Captain Beaky.

Poor confused Jeremy. There must be a bitch on heat around here cos hes all excitable and getting randy with Benson. He wont settle. Hes acting all crazy. He never did this last year, maybe its cos he's older now.

Man, Im so hungry. I have no food in.I miss my fridge.

WHEN PEOPLE GET LOST FOR 3 HOURS

I have just been looking at pictures of the amazing maze of maize at Dunhaam Massey. It opens on 15thJuly. Im very excited.

WHEN PEOPLE WASTE TIME COMPARING THEMSELVES TO TV CHARACTERS

I was going on about thhis the other day, it totally makes no sense but Im bored and putting off doing work. I've gone through some of whats on sky today, then who I think I am most like and then in brackets who I would like to be like. Obviously I am having issues with myself.

Golden Girls - Dorothy (Blanche)
Dallas - Sue Ellen (Pam)
Cosby Show - Vanessa (Denise)
Cagney and Lacey - The brown haired one (The blonde haired one)
Saved By The Bell - Screech (Kelly)
A-Team - Murdoch (Face)
Will and Grace - Karen (Karen)
Dont Shoot Me - Maya (Nina Van Horn)
Sex and the City - Miranda (Samantha)
Cheers -Diane (Rebecca)
Kate and Allie - The blonde mother (the brown haired child of the other one)

WHEN SWALLOWS ARE SPOTTED

Uninteresting fact coming up... I saw my first swallow of the year last Saturday.

I forgot to mention it before

WHEN I GET BORED OF SAYING "WHEN THINGIES NEED SOMETHIING BLAH BLAH BLAH.......

On the telly they make this election thing look dramatic. Macclesfields voting malarchy tonight wasn't so. Not like the year of the Hamiltons when Martin Bell got in and David Soul was here.
I usually do the count, last year I did the polling station clerk thing but to be honest it was really boring so this year I opted to count them instead.

We were the first table to finish counting but still had to wait until just before 1am until we could leave. As boredom set in I noticed the Macc Express photographer up in the galley looking down so I kept writing messages in paperclips on the table for him to snap but I think they went un-noticed.

Talking of photos, the man from Pick Me Up magazine came today and took picures of me and Nina in the gents. Rock n roll ey? Don't know when it will be in.

Thats about it, the hounds had a bit of a scrap today over an ice cube (I find they make good treats instead of the biscuits that were making them both fat) it wasn't that bad, there was blood though - that wasn't very nice.

WHEN PEOPLE THANKYOU FOR BEING A FRIEND, TRAVELLED DOWN THE ROAD AND BACK AGAIN, YOU'RE HEART IS TRUE, YOU'RE A PAL AND A CONFIDANT.....

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attatched would say Thankyou for being a friend.

Ha, now you can know how it feels.

I have spent the last 3 mornings annoying myself by singing The Golden Girls theme tune whilst I was desperatley trying to remember the Kate and Allie theme tune.

At 10.24 this morning I finally remembered without the help of google or anyone.

WHEN PEOPLE DELETE POSTS

*delete*

The church bells rang at 4am.
The church bells did not ring at 8am.

I am not mental.

WHEN DOGS HAVE THEIR NAILS PAINTED

WHEN PEOPLE SELL OUT

I have just signed an agreement with Pick Me Up magazine and they are doing a piece on my coins in the urinals. They are going to pay me £100 as long as I dont sell my story to another magazine for 6 weeks after I'm in their magazine. How hilarious is that! I rang Nina, she is going to be in the picture too, I'll split the money with her (I haven't told her this but I imagine she will read it here and it'll make her day!)