Saturday, March 31, 2007
I'M ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT
But today I got a touch of Beagle Envy. I saw one on Ivy Road/Earlsway and she was beautiful.
TITS AND ASS
I usually like working Friday nights, tonight just wasn't fun, for no real reason.
(Its moaning about shit like this that I wont miss).
This young lad comes to the bar, I ask for ID. He gives me his driving licence. Date of Birth:01-09-89. I laughed and said that means you are only 17, 18 in September. No he said, Im 18, 19 in September. Then I proceed to count it out on my fingers for about 5 minutes. He was quite convincing. No, you are 17 I say, no, Im 18 he says.....this went on for and on and on. I thought I was going mad. He really sounded convincing, my brain had turned to mush. Math is not my stong point.I showed him the door.
Then I find out that there is this lady that comes in here still has some problem with me. I think its because she thinks I had a thing with her boyfriend. As if. She told someone once she was going to "kick my head in".Then, after she found out I knew this she rang me up to appologise and to say that she didnt mean it. I told her not to worry as I didnt take it seriously and she wouldn't be able to kick my head in if she tried (pure bravado, Im not a fighter but I can talk a good one). Apparently now shes telling folk that my leaving here "couldn't happen soon enough". WTF?How rude. Why does she even come in here? I think I might start chatting to her boyfriend more, that ought to f*ck her off!
Well, I think thats my moan over.
Considering the bloody beer delivery never came this morning (we have ran out of Stella,Cava Low C and Rose wine), the bank knobbed up my change order and my chips and salad in pitta bread has just been delivered without chilli sauce I am still quite chipper. That man that I think looks like George Dubba-ya Bush was in. That made me smile.
Im going to Hale tomorrow for the bridesmaid dress fitting. I am quite excited. Its a lovely dress.
(Its moaning about shit like this that I wont miss).
This young lad comes to the bar, I ask for ID. He gives me his driving licence. Date of Birth:01-09-89. I laughed and said that means you are only 17, 18 in September. No he said, Im 18, 19 in September. Then I proceed to count it out on my fingers for about 5 minutes. He was quite convincing. No, you are 17 I say, no, Im 18 he says.....this went on for and on and on. I thought I was going mad. He really sounded convincing, my brain had turned to mush. Math is not my stong point.I showed him the door.
Then I find out that there is this lady that comes in here still has some problem with me. I think its because she thinks I had a thing with her boyfriend. As if. She told someone once she was going to "kick my head in".Then, after she found out I knew this she rang me up to appologise and to say that she didnt mean it. I told her not to worry as I didnt take it seriously and she wouldn't be able to kick my head in if she tried (pure bravado, Im not a fighter but I can talk a good one). Apparently now shes telling folk that my leaving here "couldn't happen soon enough". WTF?How rude. Why does she even come in here? I think I might start chatting to her boyfriend more, that ought to f*ck her off!
Well, I think thats my moan over.
Considering the bloody beer delivery never came this morning (we have ran out of Stella,Cava Low C and Rose wine), the bank knobbed up my change order and my chips and salad in pitta bread has just been delivered without chilli sauce I am still quite chipper. That man that I think looks like George Dubba-ya Bush was in. That made me smile.
Im going to Hale tomorrow for the bridesmaid dress fitting. I am quite excited. Its a lovely dress.
Friday, March 30, 2007
MY BOY IS TWO TOMORROW
Incase I dont get around to mentioning it tomorrow.....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEREMY
aka: Beeper,Beemer,Beast,Jerry-T the beast,Beezle,CherryTree,BuryMe,Beastral,Jezza, Swiper and The Crusher
The day I got him....
And today.... dozens of pairs of ruined shoes,knickers,bras,socks,lipsticks,trousers,vacuum cleaners,coats,jackets,carpets,sofas,mobile phones,duvets,pillows later.....
Its not even worth thinking about all the carnage that little man has caused. Everyone I have met that has ever had a beagle (that they hadnt given away) assures me that come the age of 2 and a half they all of a sudden grasp everything you have tried to teach them. Its been hard and costly. He really has ruined just about everything I own but then Im not that precious about stuff so it easy to forgive.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Remember "Through the keyhole"? Well, its stil on tv in the afternoons now (right before Flog It!. I swear that man, Paul Martin, has no penis).
Anyway, I remember watching it as a kid and it was ok, only obviously they have run out of famous peoples houses to go through the keyhole with so they pick these famous but not famous people.
Like the 'panel' are going to get it.
"Who lives in a house like this?"
"Erm, is it the man who was an extra in the Hovis ad when he was 7 and used to live next door to the milkman that used to deliver to the sister of the drummer from Shakatak?"
"Correct"
Man, bring back the test card or crown green bowling. Or, you know what I'd like to watch again?? The Flumps. That was good afternoon viewing. That and Barnaby the Bear.
Enough of this malarky. Im going to bed to see if I can astrally project myself again. I totally forgot this, but I remembered whilst out dog walking this afternoon. When I was about 22 I well had an out of body experience. I was half asleep and felt my feet leave the bed then my body was floating towards the door. I could feel that my alarm clock was below me. I kept grabbing onto the bed and wouldnt let my head leave the pillow so I crashed back to bed and woke up. I thought if I left myself then I might not come back. When I woke up I told my Mom about it and she said how she sometimes took a pencil to bed to draw a "X" on the ceiling because she also did it and wanted to prove to herself that she did it.
Needless to say I spent the next few days drawing "X's" and "I woz ere"on the ceiling in pencil above my Moms bed for my own entertainment.
Well, I'm going to will myself to do it again. I proper believe in that shit.
Anyway, I remember watching it as a kid and it was ok, only obviously they have run out of famous peoples houses to go through the keyhole with so they pick these famous but not famous people.
Like the 'panel' are going to get it.
"Who lives in a house like this?"
"Erm, is it the man who was an extra in the Hovis ad when he was 7 and used to live next door to the milkman that used to deliver to the sister of the drummer from Shakatak?"
"Correct"
Man, bring back the test card or crown green bowling. Or, you know what I'd like to watch again?? The Flumps. That was good afternoon viewing. That and Barnaby the Bear.
Enough of this malarky. Im going to bed to see if I can astrally project myself again. I totally forgot this, but I remembered whilst out dog walking this afternoon. When I was about 22 I well had an out of body experience. I was half asleep and felt my feet leave the bed then my body was floating towards the door. I could feel that my alarm clock was below me. I kept grabbing onto the bed and wouldnt let my head leave the pillow so I crashed back to bed and woke up. I thought if I left myself then I might not come back. When I woke up I told my Mom about it and she said how she sometimes took a pencil to bed to draw a "X" on the ceiling because she also did it and wanted to prove to herself that she did it.
Needless to say I spent the next few days drawing "X's" and "I woz ere"on the ceiling in pencil above my Moms bed for my own entertainment.
Well, I'm going to will myself to do it again. I proper believe in that shit.
CAUGHT RED/KINGFISHER BLUE/SUNSHINE YELLOW/EMERALD GREEN/CHOCOLATE BROWN HANDED
I just went in to Boots to buy random shit to cheer myself up. They have started selling Barry M in Boots in Macc now. I've never really bought Barry M before, for some reason it always reminded me of that Constance Carol clart I first bought when I was experimenting with make up in the first year. I dont know, maybe its better.Boots always put their make up out in like rank order, it was somewhere up from Rimmel (is that their worst or do they do Collection 2000?) but quite away down from Max Factor and the like). Anyway, they had all the colours of eyeshadow Dazzle Dust TM testers open, and the colours look so nice I ended sticking my fingers in all of them. My hands (and jeans) now are borted in peacock like colours with each of my finger tips a different colour of the glittery rainbow,which the lady in Holland and Barratt couldn't but laugh at when I went to pay for my fruit bar thing. Of course I broke in to a Joseph number to not look foolish....."I am handsome I am smart, Im a walking work of art etc..."
How could I look anything but foolish after that? Nicely, she gave me some tissues.
How could I look anything but foolish after that? Nicely, she gave me some tissues.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
OW
God, my eye hurts.
It started on Monday and was a bit red. When I took my contact lens out on Tuesday night it hurt more without it in and kept me awake. Now my eye is still all red and jelly looking but it hurts more at the corner at the end of my eyelashes. Cant see anything wrong with it but its the eye that gave me grief when I went to see Chas N Dave, I think I better bite the bullet and go to the opticians.
It was so nice out today I went for a ride with Claire and Anne Marie. We did Sutton and Langley and went along the canal-which you aren't supposed to but that's what towpaths were made for after all.Anyway, who's going to stop you? 
We got on at the snake bridge (my favourite bit of the canal, although the bridge is very low and you have to duck down alot) and got off before that crazy lady's house before the Puss. She has shouted at me so many times-just cos some people don't pick up after their dog she likes to take it out on all dog owners. I've had my fair share of lectures and I have even shown her my pocket full of bags. But I ain't picking up after a horse, that's for sure! So we got off at Black Road.
We got on at the snake bridge (my favourite bit of the canal, although the bridge is very low and you have to duck down alot) and got off before that crazy lady's house before the Puss. She has shouted at me so many times-just cos some people don't pick up after their dog she likes to take it out on all dog owners. I've had my fair share of lectures and I have even shown her my pocket full of bags. But I ain't picking up after a horse, that's for sure! So we got off at Black Road.Whilst I was out my brother has been arsing around with my itunes. I see he has renamed Winehouse's "Rehab". It now comes up "Kebab". God knows what else he has tinkered with.I'm sure I will find more in time.
(BTW, loving that if you spell check "Winehouse" it comes up "Whorehouse". )
GARLIC BREAD?
How exciting....Peter Kay is going to play in The Ox-Ford in Macc. Thats even smaller than my tiny boozer. Only 90 tickets- thats less than I had to sell for when Frank Sidebottom played here. Therefore I suspect tickets will be like hens teeth and rocking horse shit but I will try my bestest all the same......
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY
There was something nearly interesting to tell you after all....
You know the money in the urinals? Well some daft/generous/drunk (delete as appropriate) man put a fiver in the middle one on Friday night. A whole real five pound note. And, it was still there when I kicked eveyone out at the end of the night.
You know the money in the urinals? Well some daft/generous/drunk (delete as appropriate) man put a fiver in the middle one on Friday night. A whole real five pound note. And, it was still there when I kicked eveyone out at the end of the night.
CAN YOU TELL I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY?
I brought up the case of the Tesco man getting 75,000 club point at the bar last night. It was pretty 50/50. GPW was quite insistant that it was stealing but I still think its Tescos fault and the senetence is well harsh. Obviously I am not as honest as I thought I was.
Moving on.... Had a chat to Crowther regarding my new venture, he is happy to help. I best start getting to work on that. Only with it being so nice out I think I might just take the hounds out today. Canal seems favourite.I still have the Rug Doctor on hire (it goes back tomorrow) so I best give the carpet a quick going over first. I did the carpets upstairs yesterday, Benson was lying out on the roof which was pretty dusty and then rolled all over the slighty damp but clean beige carpet. Why do I bother?
Slimming world wise I have been amazingly good this week. I have only drank 4 glasses of wine and soda,had a veggie kebeb and chips, 2 cadburys cream eggs and a Picnic. I dont even like Picnics.I wouldnt have even had them but my feeder brother keeps buying things and leaving them aroung the house, so I just end up eating them. So, if I havent lost something this week then I'll be in a right bad mood.
I see they still havent let Snoop in the country so I dont know if we are still going tomorrow night. I dont fancy getting shot for just P Diddy.
Moving on.... Had a chat to Crowther regarding my new venture, he is happy to help. I best start getting to work on that. Only with it being so nice out I think I might just take the hounds out today. Canal seems favourite.I still have the Rug Doctor on hire (it goes back tomorrow) so I best give the carpet a quick going over first. I did the carpets upstairs yesterday, Benson was lying out on the roof which was pretty dusty and then rolled all over the slighty damp but clean beige carpet. Why do I bother?
Slimming world wise I have been amazingly good this week. I have only drank 4 glasses of wine and soda,had a veggie kebeb and chips, 2 cadburys cream eggs and a Picnic. I dont even like Picnics.I wouldnt have even had them but my feeder brother keeps buying things and leaving them aroung the house, so I just end up eating them. So, if I havent lost something this week then I'll be in a right bad mood.
I see they still havent let Snoop in the country so I dont know if we are still going tomorrow night. I dont fancy getting shot for just P Diddy.
Monday, March 26, 2007
CRIMINAL?
So, a man goes in to Tescos in Luton and uses the self service till, swipes his voucher and gets extra clubcard points. He then realises that the computer is set up poorly and can swipe his voucher as many times as he wants and accrues 75,000 clubcard points.
He got 120 hours community service.
In either Tescos or Sainsburys last year they had the deal on bananas or carrotts programmed wrong into the till.Some clever customer spotted this and worked it so if he bought so many the till told the cashier to give the customer money, which they did. I can see how there may be a issue with morals and ethics for this man from Luton but I fail to see how the fact someone who exploited a mistake made by Tescos is breaking the law. Serves them bloody right for relying on computers so much. This angers me so. Im not a dishonest person and if self service tills didnt freak me out so much and I spotted the loop hole then I would have done it too. Maybe not to the pisstaking realms of 75,000 but a few times.
It surely is Tescos fault. Self service tills...I mean for frigs sake. I've never liked them, I thought they were designed to check your honesty. They cant be cost effective cos they usually have a few staff watching them incase they break or the customer doesnt scan the item right.
I went to Tescos and bought some flowers. They were £9.99. The price scanned up £4.99. Cos Im a ridiculously honest catholic girl I told the lady and she said that she had to charge what the till told her to do.
Ha, I rest my case.
He got 120 hours community service.
In either Tescos or Sainsburys last year they had the deal on bananas or carrotts programmed wrong into the till.Some clever customer spotted this and worked it so if he bought so many the till told the cashier to give the customer money, which they did. I can see how there may be a issue with morals and ethics for this man from Luton but I fail to see how the fact someone who exploited a mistake made by Tescos is breaking the law. Serves them bloody right for relying on computers so much. This angers me so. Im not a dishonest person and if self service tills didnt freak me out so much and I spotted the loop hole then I would have done it too. Maybe not to the pisstaking realms of 75,000 but a few times.
It surely is Tescos fault. Self service tills...I mean for frigs sake. I've never liked them, I thought they were designed to check your honesty. They cant be cost effective cos they usually have a few staff watching them incase they break or the customer doesnt scan the item right.
I went to Tescos and bought some flowers. They were £9.99. The price scanned up £4.99. Cos Im a ridiculously honest catholic girl I told the lady and she said that she had to charge what the till told her to do.
Ha, I rest my case.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Ermm....I dont think I like the look of car boots that much.
Despite losing the hour this morning - Me, Kay and Lindsey left for the famous Chelford Car Boot at 7.45am. For those who dont know there are 2 carboot sales in Chelford. Im lead to believe one is a big one and one is a little one. So we drove past the one at the market to the big one in the field which was.....closed. Its on next week weather permitting. I think thats where we are going. So we stopped off at the one at the market and OMG, Carbooting looks quite sad. Well, the ones who had stalls with no tables looked sad. And why do they stare at you so much? It was quite uncomfortable. They were selling dead plants and manky second hand make-up. My shit looks quite good now!
So, Im planning my stall, Im going to get some gingham material for a tablecloth so it looks nice, and I think I am going to label everything with black marker pen on those big Paddington Bear style tags you can get from WH Smiths. I have a load of brown paper bags that I might decorate and use them for smaller items (they were left over from when I did my Foundation Show at Northwich. Thats 13 years ago....I really dont throw anything away do I?)
I have been thinking, I might make some more of those cat draft excluder things I made for the windows in the pub. Everyone likes them and I like making them....we'll see. Skidface thinks they will sell better than my future million pound making business plan..... I dont think I have mentioned that on here yet have I? I've always had it on the back burner...waiting until I have some spare time. I guess that now I am jacking in my job I will have plenty of that.If I apply myself then I think I could have fun doing it and make some cash until I get settled in Canada. I will do some work on it this week and then present it to you all....I'd like it if you told me what you thought.
Despite losing the hour this morning - Me, Kay and Lindsey left for the famous Chelford Car Boot at 7.45am. For those who dont know there are 2 carboot sales in Chelford. Im lead to believe one is a big one and one is a little one. So we drove past the one at the market to the big one in the field which was.....closed. Its on next week weather permitting. I think thats where we are going. So we stopped off at the one at the market and OMG, Carbooting looks quite sad. Well, the ones who had stalls with no tables looked sad. And why do they stare at you so much? It was quite uncomfortable. They were selling dead plants and manky second hand make-up. My shit looks quite good now!
So, Im planning my stall, Im going to get some gingham material for a tablecloth so it looks nice, and I think I am going to label everything with black marker pen on those big Paddington Bear style tags you can get from WH Smiths. I have a load of brown paper bags that I might decorate and use them for smaller items (they were left over from when I did my Foundation Show at Northwich. Thats 13 years ago....I really dont throw anything away do I?)
I have been thinking, I might make some more of those cat draft excluder things I made for the windows in the pub. Everyone likes them and I like making them....we'll see. Skidface thinks they will sell better than my future million pound making business plan..... I dont think I have mentioned that on here yet have I? I've always had it on the back burner...waiting until I have some spare time. I guess that now I am jacking in my job I will have plenty of that.If I apply myself then I think I could have fun doing it and make some cash until I get settled in Canada. I will do some work on it this week and then present it to you all....I'd like it if you told me what you thought.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
WHAT THE SNIZZLE?
Maybe if Snoop Dogg was coming to the UK to sponge off of our benefit system, blow up our buses or have a hook or a hand and stand in Finsbury Pary telling the masses that our country was shit he would stand a better chance of Jack Straw letting him in the country.
Hope they sort it out, its only 5 days away.
Hope they sort it out, its only 5 days away.
DONT GIVE THE REMOTE CONTROL TO THE DOG
I just caught Jeremy and Benson watching "When good pets go bad" on Sky. They kept looking at each other raising their eyebrows whilst laughing like Mutley....should I be worried?
BREAKING NEWS
It is rumoured that the author J.B Fletcher, the lady you least want at your dinner party,was staying at the Pegasus hotel promoting her new book "LBW in Cabot Cove ". Her stay there coincided with that of Bob Woolmer and his untimely death. Indeed it was Jessica who brought it to the attention of the authorities that it was indeed murder and she is now working along side the sherriff in finding his killer/killers. Within an hour she may very well also have cleared up some match fixing allegations as well.
If I saw her in the foyer of the hotel I was staying in I would check myself out straight away before someone else did my checking out. Alas that stable door has long been bolted for Mr Woolmer, good to know shes on hand though to get to the bottom of it.
If I saw her in the foyer of the hotel I was staying in I would check myself out straight away before someone else did my checking out. Alas that stable door has long been bolted for Mr Woolmer, good to know shes on hand though to get to the bottom of it.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Ok, after much thought we have decided to go for a rekky on Sunday and check out the whole car boot thing. This is probably best as I have never really done it before. Plus I forgot I am down to give blood on Sunday and you know if I was selling I would have ended up having a few beers after.
Then, next week I shall sort and label all my crap. I don't even know if anyone will buy anything.....its all random.....shoes, bags, smoke machine, police light, strobe, jagermeister stuff, loads of glasses and pub stuff, records, clothes, pasta machine,accordion, how to play the said accordion books,baileys mugs,foot spa,glass head, paella pan...I might even sell my hunter wellies. I haven't decided, no, maybe I'll keep them
Then, next week I shall sort and label all my crap. I don't even know if anyone will buy anything.....its all random.....shoes, bags, smoke machine, police light, strobe, jagermeister stuff, loads of glasses and pub stuff, records, clothes, pasta machine,accordion, how to play the said accordion books,baileys mugs,foot spa,glass head, paella pan...I might even sell my hunter wellies. I haven't decided, no, maybe I'll keep them
OF ALL THE WEEKENDS IN THE WORLD....
I choose this one to start my car booting career.
Yes, I know the clocks go forward and yes I know Chelford Car Boot starts ridiculously early.....but my question is what time should I be there to set up?
If anyone of you three people that read this have ever sold at Chelford Car Boot on a Sunday morning or know anything about it (I am a novice and Chelford Virgin) then please email me ( portersprince@aol.com ) or leave a comment if you can. Tips and hints are also appreciated
Yes, I know the clocks go forward and yes I know Chelford Car Boot starts ridiculously early.....but my question is what time should I be there to set up?
If anyone of you three people that read this have ever sold at Chelford Car Boot on a Sunday morning or know anything about it (I am a novice and Chelford Virgin) then please email me ( portersprince@aol.com ) or leave a comment if you can. Tips and hints are also appreciated
Thursday, March 22, 2007
NEVER ON DEMAND
My Dad used to be a teacher at a secondary school I have the utmost respect for him for doing that cos kids can be tw@ts.
I was walking through town with the beagle in a daft pair of jogging suit bottoms. There was this bunch of boys standing opposite the refugee lady that sells the Big Issue outside Marks and Sparks. One was trying to take the piss out of the creative way she sings the "Big Issu-u-ue" and being down right rude and racist. She looked really uncomfortable.
I stared at him a while then asked the little shit head if he thought he was funny and asked him who he was trying to impress cos infact he just looked pathetic and everyone was laughing at him cos he looked like some thick stupid unimaginative kid and obviously has no mates.(the ones with him were sat on the bench with their hoods up.)
The best he could come back with was to call me a "big red head" which I didnt really get.I asked him if that was the best he could do cos surely my trousers were funnier than the fact I have a healthy complexion. He looked puzzled. I told him to get a life.I have never wished for Jeremy to cock his leg and pee on his trainers as much as I did at that moment but alas he had just done one outside Adams.
Could you imagine working with idiots like that everyday and putting up with all that shit? I came home, told my Dad how impressed I am that he taught and put up with all of that for over 30 years. I think I will buy him a pint after work.
TJ hughes have that olay regenerist gubbins in for £6 at the mo and apri stuff well cheap too. They also have St Tropez in, but regardless of hype I dont like it.
I was walking through town with the beagle in a daft pair of jogging suit bottoms. There was this bunch of boys standing opposite the refugee lady that sells the Big Issue outside Marks and Sparks. One was trying to take the piss out of the creative way she sings the "Big Issu-u-ue" and being down right rude and racist. She looked really uncomfortable.
I stared at him a while then asked the little shit head if he thought he was funny and asked him who he was trying to impress cos infact he just looked pathetic and everyone was laughing at him cos he looked like some thick stupid unimaginative kid and obviously has no mates.(the ones with him were sat on the bench with their hoods up.)
The best he could come back with was to call me a "big red head" which I didnt really get.I asked him if that was the best he could do cos surely my trousers were funnier than the fact I have a healthy complexion. He looked puzzled. I told him to get a life.I have never wished for Jeremy to cock his leg and pee on his trainers as much as I did at that moment but alas he had just done one outside Adams.
Could you imagine working with idiots like that everyday and putting up with all that shit? I came home, told my Dad how impressed I am that he taught and put up with all of that for over 30 years. I think I will buy him a pint after work.
TJ hughes have that olay regenerist gubbins in for £6 at the mo and apri stuff well cheap too. They also have St Tropez in, but regardless of hype I dont like it.
ARE YOU HAVING A GIRRAFFE?
This has to be a joke? I have just seen them on This Morning. I will be cringing all day.
My move to Canada cannot come sooner.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
SMART
Im well impressed, I have just seen Ninas site that shows what shes raised so far...its lovely. Check it out
KNOWS NO BOUNDS
Can you believe that since 8th Jan the gentlemen in here have contributed £212 in coppers that they have then in turn pissed on?
I am so impressed and proud of them.
I am so impressed and proud of them.
Monday, March 19, 2007
BAKING POWDER?
A friend of mine went for one of those inch loss wraps on Saturday. We were chatting about this on Friday night and she said she has had one before and said she lost loads of inches all over in total.
When I saw her again on Saturday night I asked her how it went....
Me:"So how was your day?"
Her:"Not bad....only 6 inches"
Me:"thats good"
Her:"Well, I was kind of hoping for 10 inches"
Claire:(who overhears this and doesnt know what we are talking about)"Don't we all want a nice 10 incher!"
Hee hee hee.
Jeremy is moments away from talking I swear. He seems all super intelligent today, I dont know why. Just imagine what I could do with a talking Beagle, the world would be my oyster.
Elsewhere in the exciting life of me....
Me and Nina are taking all the change from the urinals to Sainsburys change machine tonight. I dont know why this excites me. I have never used it before, maybe thats why.
God, Im so sad.
When I saw her again on Saturday night I asked her how it went....
Me:"So how was your day?"
Her:"Not bad....only 6 inches"
Me:"thats good"
Her:"Well, I was kind of hoping for 10 inches"
Claire:(who overhears this and doesnt know what we are talking about)"Don't we all want a nice 10 incher!"
Hee hee hee.
Jeremy is moments away from talking I swear. He seems all super intelligent today, I dont know why. Just imagine what I could do with a talking Beagle, the world would be my oyster.
Elsewhere in the exciting life of me....
Me and Nina are taking all the change from the urinals to Sainsburys change machine tonight. I dont know why this excites me. I have never used it before, maybe thats why.
God, Im so sad.
PRAISE THE LORD
This morning was not the first time I had woke up wearing a nuns habit, and it probably wont be the last.
The idea was we were going to The Church House for a few, instead of course we just sat at the end of the bar and ended up smashed. Lets see what I can remember...Kay was wearing a high-vis British Rail jacket, I was singing "Oh happy day" and dancing MTV spring break style in my nuns habit and then Myra Hindley wig and thats all I can recall, Linds was behind the bar and Miss Heyes was just hammered.
We really should get out more.
Well, I have put me a big pair of apple catchers on and Im gong for another ride with Clairey. That should sort my wooly head out fingers crossed.
The idea was we were going to The Church House for a few, instead of course we just sat at the end of the bar and ended up smashed. Lets see what I can remember...Kay was wearing a high-vis British Rail jacket, I was singing "Oh happy day" and dancing MTV spring break style in my nuns habit and then Myra Hindley wig and thats all I can recall, Linds was behind the bar and Miss Heyes was just hammered.
We really should get out more.
Well, I have put me a big pair of apple catchers on and Im gong for another ride with Clairey. That should sort my wooly head out fingers crossed.
Friday, March 16, 2007
THE GRITTER?
Apparentley so. There was frost on the cellar roof this morning and The Daily Express tells me that there will be a foot of snow this weekend. All of this is good news cos I forgot myself the other week and ordered a whole load of coal. I need to use it up so its not taking up too much room over the summer.
I can kind of sit down today. Its not that bad, my knee is a bit done in though. I've loaded up my shuffle with The Cramps and will take myelf down the gym, see if I cant shake it off.
I've got £10 each way on Beef Or Salmon in the Gold Cup, fingers crossed. It would make up for the casino disaster I suffered on Tuesday
I can kind of sit down today. Its not that bad, my knee is a bit done in though. I've loaded up my shuffle with The Cramps and will take myelf down the gym, see if I cant shake it off.
I've got £10 each way on Beef Or Salmon in the Gold Cup, fingers crossed. It would make up for the casino disaster I suffered on Tuesday
Thursday, March 15, 2007
CHEESEGRATER
I know I have often been criticised by my friends for sometimes being inappropriate on here, but I figure if someone learns a lesson the hard way its only fair that they pass on their knowledge.
Looking back its an obvious mistaker-to-maker (was that from 'allo 'allo?) but people, if you find your self going on a 3 hour horse ride make sure you are wearing the correct underwear.
Lace is not a fabric you want to be "furnishing your basement" with. Lets hope there isn't a crimescene around Teggs Nose in the future, cos if they investigated the area it might confuse the police by finding the knickers I just had to rip off and hide there (I had no pockets).
There, I dont think that was too graphic...
We went on a long one, from Gawsworth, past the Fools Nook to Sutton then Langley. Up Teggs Nose then down Buxton Road. Along Black Road and Byrons Lane and then back the way we came. It just started to rain when we got back to the farm. It cheered me up no end although Im sure I will pay for it tomorrow.
Tomorrow, as long as Im walking ok, I really need to pull my finger out and go into town. I havent even got round to paying myself this week and have been without phone credit since Tuesday. Even though Tescos is just across the road I havent found time to go in it while its open. Now Im a bit more cheerful I'll get round to doing what Im supposed to.(The 5 cans of Diet Kick I have just drank may be making me feel energetic after all).
Looking back its an obvious mistaker-to-maker (was that from 'allo 'allo?) but people, if you find your self going on a 3 hour horse ride make sure you are wearing the correct underwear.
Lace is not a fabric you want to be "furnishing your basement" with. Lets hope there isn't a crimescene around Teggs Nose in the future, cos if they investigated the area it might confuse the police by finding the knickers I just had to rip off and hide there (I had no pockets).
There, I dont think that was too graphic...
We went on a long one, from Gawsworth, past the Fools Nook to Sutton then Langley. Up Teggs Nose then down Buxton Road. Along Black Road and Byrons Lane and then back the way we came. It just started to rain when we got back to the farm. It cheered me up no end although Im sure I will pay for it tomorrow.
Tomorrow, as long as Im walking ok, I really need to pull my finger out and go into town. I havent even got round to paying myself this week and have been without phone credit since Tuesday. Even though Tescos is just across the road I havent found time to go in it while its open. Now Im a bit more cheerful I'll get round to doing what Im supposed to.(The 5 cans of Diet Kick I have just drank may be making me feel energetic after all).
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
UNKNOWN ERROR
As fantastic as my phone is, with its gprs and everything, I cant get the photos off it on to my pc.Unknown error or something. I hate unknown errors.
I cleaned the ice machine with my brother this morning so of course that is now broken. I dont know why. An unknown error.
I had a lovely day today but after just 3 hours of working I am now on a right downer. Feel sad and crappy- I dont know why.....Unknown error.
I took the beagle up to Claires and we walked up to this new place where some of her horses are. Its lovely there. There is this little lake, Jeremy wasnt for swimming but he had a go, well we made him. Didnt really like it but at least I know he floats now. I took loads of pictures but sorry, what with the unknown error you cant see them.
Then we went for some grub at the Leather Smithy then mucked out her other horses. The beagle got filthy but he just loves running around with horses. He would be shit on a hunt as he cant even jump a wall, is scared of water (oops) and is a bit dim. Still, he loves the horses all the same.
I'm supposed to be going on a ride tomorrow around Macc Forest, but I wont be going if I am still in this stinking mood. I've got no food in, the place is a tip, I cant watch sky cos bloody football is on and I want to go to sleep. Im such a lazy cow.
Mum says we have a house to stay in in Canada until we figure out what we are doing. I think the realisation of this has slighty freaked me out but at least its beginning to feel real.
I cleaned the ice machine with my brother this morning so of course that is now broken. I dont know why. An unknown error.
I had a lovely day today but after just 3 hours of working I am now on a right downer. Feel sad and crappy- I dont know why.....Unknown error.
I took the beagle up to Claires and we walked up to this new place where some of her horses are. Its lovely there. There is this little lake, Jeremy wasnt for swimming but he had a go, well we made him. Didnt really like it but at least I know he floats now. I took loads of pictures but sorry, what with the unknown error you cant see them.
Then we went for some grub at the Leather Smithy then mucked out her other horses. The beagle got filthy but he just loves running around with horses. He would be shit on a hunt as he cant even jump a wall, is scared of water (oops) and is a bit dim. Still, he loves the horses all the same.
I'm supposed to be going on a ride tomorrow around Macc Forest, but I wont be going if I am still in this stinking mood. I've got no food in, the place is a tip, I cant watch sky cos bloody football is on and I want to go to sleep. Im such a lazy cow.
Mum says we have a house to stay in in Canada until we figure out what we are doing. I think the realisation of this has slighty freaked me out but at least its beginning to feel real.
CARPET-HEAD IS 30
Happy Birthday Martin. Carpet head is 30 today.
To mark the occasion we went out last night. Me and Claire went to slimming world first (where I lost 2 pounds...I would lose considerably more later on). Then we abducted Claire Heyes who was texting and walking down Churchill Way and went to the ThrillZone. After the drunken disaster that was Friday night she refused to come to Manchester with us so we left her there and got the train.
Ate at El Rincon the went to Mojo, I was a bit tired so we were going to get the last train home-saving us the £50 taxi.
Of course we missed the last train. We got there just as it should have been leaving and there was no way I was running all the way to platform 13 in my heels just incase it was running late. Then I have my brain wave....Of course- we should go to the casino and win our taxi fare.
When will I learn? No really....when?
Well I won a bit, lost a bit, won a bit but then had developed the taste so ended up losing £80 (I know I could have nearly got a taxi there and back). Anyway, I was chasing a new pair of riding boots and gators that I had decided to buy for about a hundred quid. Thats where I went wrong cos I did win the taxi fare...only I got greedy. I really should not go there again.
My doppleganger is back. I was in Tescos and Denise who works there asked if I had a good night at Shrigley Hall? I looked a tad confused as the last time I went to Shrigley Hall was when I was 16 and was going out with Doug- and then I only went in the kitchen. No, t'was my doppleganger dancing with some guy at some silk fm party night. She wondered why I didnt wave back.
Now, I know I can be quite rude but having a double who ignores these people who think shes me is doing me no favours. Everyone thinks im well ignorant anyway.
And, you know after I move to Canada I come back on holidays no one will have noticed that I had gone.Mind you- I quite like that.
In other news, apparentley MKB's beard has not progressed much. Im off to the fancy dress shop today to buy some stick on ones....
To mark the occasion we went out last night. Me and Claire went to slimming world first (where I lost 2 pounds...I would lose considerably more later on). Then we abducted Claire Heyes who was texting and walking down Churchill Way and went to the ThrillZone. After the drunken disaster that was Friday night she refused to come to Manchester with us so we left her there and got the train.
Ate at El Rincon the went to Mojo, I was a bit tired so we were going to get the last train home-saving us the £50 taxi.
Of course we missed the last train. We got there just as it should have been leaving and there was no way I was running all the way to platform 13 in my heels just incase it was running late. Then I have my brain wave....Of course- we should go to the casino and win our taxi fare.
When will I learn? No really....when?
Well I won a bit, lost a bit, won a bit but then had developed the taste so ended up losing £80 (I know I could have nearly got a taxi there and back). Anyway, I was chasing a new pair of riding boots and gators that I had decided to buy for about a hundred quid. Thats where I went wrong cos I did win the taxi fare...only I got greedy. I really should not go there again.
My doppleganger is back. I was in Tescos and Denise who works there asked if I had a good night at Shrigley Hall? I looked a tad confused as the last time I went to Shrigley Hall was when I was 16 and was going out with Doug- and then I only went in the kitchen. No, t'was my doppleganger dancing with some guy at some silk fm party night. She wondered why I didnt wave back.
Now, I know I can be quite rude but having a double who ignores these people who think shes me is doing me no favours. Everyone thinks im well ignorant anyway.
And, you know after I move to Canada I come back on holidays no one will have noticed that I had gone.Mind you- I quite like that.
In other news, apparentley MKB's beard has not progressed much. Im off to the fancy dress shop today to buy some stick on ones....
Monday, March 12, 2007
BUMFIGHT
much to my delight MKB does not remember agreeing to growing a beard for the blind. He has to now cos I have collected over £100 in sposer money for it.
Blind Tony, much to my amazement has never had a beard so I have convinced a blind man to have a beard growing competition with the legendary MKB. I feel like I am one tiny bit away from being the person that invented "bumfight" or "bumwars" or what ever that fantastically bad show that made drunks fight and get forehead tatoo's for money was.
LOVE IT OR HATE IT, ITS BUMFIGHTS Y'ALL
Blind Tony, much to my amazement has never had a beard so I have convinced a blind man to have a beard growing competition with the legendary MKB. I feel like I am one tiny bit away from being the person that invented "bumfight" or "bumwars" or what ever that fantastically bad show that made drunks fight and get forehead tatoo's for money was.
LOVE IT OR HATE IT, ITS BUMFIGHTS Y'ALL
Sunday, March 11, 2007
MKB'S BEARD FOR THE BLIND
(The upside-down man challenge)
Me and Lindsay have talked MKB into growing a beard for charity- Blind Tony and the Macclesfield Blind society.He probably wont remember so we have sent sponser forms around the pub already so he cant back out of it.
I wrote him a note saying "dont shave until Easter Sunday" because he wont remember.So I shall check to see if there is any growth tonight.He thinks he could only sprout a quarter of an inch.
I am interested to see if it is straight or curly, grey or ginger, whether its patchy or full.
(Im insisting that it must incorparate a 'tash aswell.)
I tried to persuade him to wear it to court (which has been suspended again until the end of April) but no dice.
Me and Lindsay have talked MKB into growing a beard for charity- Blind Tony and the Macclesfield Blind society.He probably wont remember so we have sent sponser forms around the pub already so he cant back out of it.
I wrote him a note saying "dont shave until Easter Sunday" because he wont remember.So I shall check to see if there is any growth tonight.He thinks he could only sprout a quarter of an inch.
I am interested to see if it is straight or curly, grey or ginger, whether its patchy or full.
(Im insisting that it must incorparate a 'tash aswell.)
I tried to persuade him to wear it to court (which has been suspended again until the end of April) but no dice.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
ALL I WANTED WAS AN EARLY NIGHT
I was looking forward to a bath,pyjamas and bed. I never get to go to bed before 12 so I was well excited.
Next news Johnson walks in so I joined her for one. Next news I'm the Major of Lashville, then in Preachers with three Claires .Its all a blur.
So, I've had a Resolve and then a Fruli for breakfast whilst listening to Off The Bone. A better morning album I have yet to find.Domino-as Greg would say - rocks my world.
I like to think my brother likes making me the food kind of breakfast so I got him to boil me some eggs. I always moan that his eggs arent done right. He must have taken this on board and asked super chef de PVR Chris Hall how to do perfect soft boiled eggs*. So he followed his instructions, then doubted the method and put them back on the heat. As a result they are not perfect and a bit hard.Im going to have to have another Fruli.
*Chris Hall says for perfect soft boiled eggs boil the water, put the eggs in, take it off the heat and leave for ten minutes
Next news Johnson walks in so I joined her for one. Next news I'm the Major of Lashville, then in Preachers with three Claires .Its all a blur.
So, I've had a Resolve and then a Fruli for breakfast whilst listening to Off The Bone. A better morning album I have yet to find.Domino-as Greg would say - rocks my world.
I like to think my brother likes making me the food kind of breakfast so I got him to boil me some eggs. I always moan that his eggs arent done right. He must have taken this on board and asked super chef de PVR Chris Hall how to do perfect soft boiled eggs*. So he followed his instructions, then doubted the method and put them back on the heat. As a result they are not perfect and a bit hard.Im going to have to have another Fruli.
*Chris Hall says for perfect soft boiled eggs boil the water, put the eggs in, take it off the heat and leave for ten minutes
Thursday, March 08, 2007
I R WI-FI
Yeah, my laptop is working again (although there is a problem with the "s" key.
This means I can once again blog whilst sat in the pub.
Small things and small minds etc
This means I can once again blog whilst sat in the pub.
Small things and small minds etc
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
FAN FARE PLEASE.........
Ok, so here is my new fantastic Guinness promotion idea.
I think you will be amazed at my generosity....
I'm calling it "GUINNESS IS FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR ST PATRICKS DAY", yes, its a little inspired by the hounds...
So, here is the main jist of it....
You have to get yourself one of those myspace pages if you dont have one already. Once you do then you ask for me to be your friend then you can leave a comment. You have to leave a comment saying how "GUINNESS IS FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR ST PATRICKS DAY". If you do this then you will be entered into a draw. I will give each of you a raffle ticket number. On Saturday 17th March...which is of course St Patricks Day I will get someone in the pub to draw out a ticket.
Now, get this......
The winner will be entitled to one free pint of Guinness everyday from the day after (18th) right through March and all the way through April as well-up until the last day on 30th. So, thats 44 pints of Guinness in total.
And no, before you ask....they cant be rolled over or swapped or sold or given away. If you dont come in that day then you lose that pint. Its that easy.
I have just started drinking he black stuff and I'm loving it.
So, do I have the best ideas or what? Not sure if the Portman Group will agree with me but I think its pretty cool. (the thingss I do to get friends ey?!)
SO GO HERE FOR YOUR CHANCE TO WIN BOOZE
I think you will be amazed at my generosity....
I'm calling it "GUINNESS IS FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR ST PATRICKS DAY", yes, its a little inspired by the hounds...
So, here is the main jist of it....
You have to get yourself one of those myspace pages if you dont have one already. Once you do then you ask for me to be your friend then you can leave a comment. You have to leave a comment saying how "GUINNESS IS FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR ST PATRICKS DAY". If you do this then you will be entered into a draw. I will give each of you a raffle ticket number. On Saturday 17th March...which is of course St Patricks Day I will get someone in the pub to draw out a ticket.
Now, get this......
The winner will be entitled to one free pint of Guinness everyday from the day after (18th) right through March and all the way through April as well-up until the last day on 30th. So, thats 44 pints of Guinness in total.
And no, before you ask....they cant be rolled over or swapped or sold or given away. If you dont come in that day then you lose that pint. Its that easy.
I have just started drinking he black stuff and I'm loving it.
So, do I have the best ideas or what? Not sure if the Portman Group will agree with me but I think its pretty cool. (the thingss I do to get friends ey?!)
SO GO HERE FOR YOUR CHANCE TO WIN BOOZE
IN ALL SERIOUSNESS.....
Have WH Smiths been bought out by Cadburys? What is with the persistant pushing of big bars of Cadburys chocolate when you are at the till?
"Would you like some chocolate with your pens?" WTF?
Well, actually yes, I would but its Tuesday and Im going to try and make weigh in tonight at Fat Club.
Oh, BTW the "no chocolate and cake" during lent bit the big one 3 days into it. I had 2 boxes of Creme Eggs behind the bar and quite frankly Jesus himself would have found that hard to resist.
Anyway, I have bought me some pens to make a fantastic St Pats promotion thing to stick out on the tables for tomorrow. I have come up with a beautiful little promotion for the black stuff and as Guinness' head of commercial what have you is coming here tomorrow morning I figured I'd wow them with my genius. I was gong out on the lash and gambling at the Casino tomorrow but seems we are having a family meeting tomorrow night. Never actually had one of them before - but then, we've never all decided to emmigrate. T'is sensible to talk about it when not three pints pissed.
I have got a new phone and I proper love it, even though its not a Sony Ericsson. Its a Samsung d900 which will work when I move abroad (providing I dont drop this one down the toilet or lose it when p*ssed up).
The screen saver chanes with the time of day and shows city or country shots depending on where you are. Seems Macc is a city. I'll see if it changes when I go to Bolly tonight. I call that country.
I am sadly excited by the fact that The Wurzels have released "I am a cider drinker". I have always been a massive fan and talked endlessly about the "Scrumpy & Western" nights I want to hold with bare backed pig riding. I may be able to get my yokel fancy dress outfit out after all. Also, as stupid Victoria Newton slated it in the Sun it will no doubt do well then she will say that she predicted it (like when she said Lily Allen would deffo win The Brits, then, weeks later after Winehouse won she said that she correctly predicted it. Liar liar pants on fire Newton. One day you will become unstuck.
"Would you like some chocolate with your pens?" WTF?
Well, actually yes, I would but its Tuesday and Im going to try and make weigh in tonight at Fat Club.
Oh, BTW the "no chocolate and cake" during lent bit the big one 3 days into it. I had 2 boxes of Creme Eggs behind the bar and quite frankly Jesus himself would have found that hard to resist.
Anyway, I have bought me some pens to make a fantastic St Pats promotion thing to stick out on the tables for tomorrow. I have come up with a beautiful little promotion for the black stuff and as Guinness' head of commercial what have you is coming here tomorrow morning I figured I'd wow them with my genius. I was gong out on the lash and gambling at the Casino tomorrow but seems we are having a family meeting tomorrow night. Never actually had one of them before - but then, we've never all decided to emmigrate. T'is sensible to talk about it when not three pints pissed.
I have got a new phone and I proper love it, even though its not a Sony Ericsson. Its a Samsung d900 which will work when I move abroad (providing I dont drop this one down the toilet or lose it when p*ssed up).
The screen saver chanes with the time of day and shows city or country shots depending on where you are. Seems Macc is a city. I'll see if it changes when I go to Bolly tonight. I call that country.
I am sadly excited by the fact that The Wurzels have released "I am a cider drinker". I have always been a massive fan and talked endlessly about the "Scrumpy & Western" nights I want to hold with bare backed pig riding. I may be able to get my yokel fancy dress outfit out after all. Also, as stupid Victoria Newton slated it in the Sun it will no doubt do well then she will say that she predicted it (like when she said Lily Allen would deffo win The Brits, then, weeks later after Winehouse won she said that she correctly predicted it. Liar liar pants on fire Newton. One day you will become unstuck.
Monday, March 05, 2007
MOVE OVER SPARKY
There is a new Fire Dog in town.Last night I was fast asleep. I'd had a few wines with the ladies and so was out like a light. Skidface stayed over on the settee. At 1am he wakes me up, Benson was barking like a crazy dog so Lindsay looked out on to the car park at the back and low and behold the cardboard recycling bin was on fire. Again. So I rang 999 and watched. They came quite quick, less that 5 minutes.
Friday, March 02, 2007
WAC
I well used to love this.(shame the pic isnt bigger ey?)
One year, I remember my Mom sent a picture of my brother into TVam when they used to show birthday pictures. He was 9 so it was 1986. It was on before Pinkxie and Jinkxie (or what ever them pesky mice were called). My Mom taped it cos naturally at 7:18am on 31st May Skidface was still in bed. Anyway, I taped it and used to play and pause the picture and do Wac-a-day "it's fingers in your ears time" and pretend to put my fingers in Lindsays ears (on the picture). He then would cry. (sorry Lindsay, but you did).
I loved Wac-a-Day.
Scarily, I loved Timmy Mallet, even through the "Itsy bitsy teeny weeny...." stage. I used to practice the dance moves with Nicola Hackney in her front room (along with Bananarama's Venus and Madonna's Papa dont Preach from off the Chart Show that we would video from Saturday). I wore fingerless gloves and everything.
(BTW, I know I couldn't have used (brackets) anymore if I tried.)
There was a point to this.......as usual I have forgotten what it was. It was something to do with Mallets Mallet - you know, the words association game where you must not pause or hesitate or you get a bash over the head like this (bash) or like this (bash), the one with the most bruises loses.The word is.......
Thursday, March 01, 2007
PHEW!
Granada Reports have just cancelled.They were going to come here at 12. They want to come tomorrow instead aslong as Kate and David from three doors down will be here. I dont think they will, so I may be off the hook after all.
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