R.I.P. THE MIGHTY BEADLE

How sad, Katy just told me. The man who I named my dog after, legendary 80's prankster Jeremy Beadle MBE has died aged 59. Jim kicked him out of the FlowerPot one night when the circus was in town, he used the importal words "Do you know who I am? No longer must we watch out...Beadles not about. I'd love to write more but Im late for work.........

I'm going to play pranks on as many people today as possible in his memory

CHECK IT OUT

BRRRR

Well, I got my blizzard!

I walked to work this morning at 8am and had to negotiate snow drifts that came way past my knees. I took a "short cut" through the playground which was hilarious as the snow came right up to my bottom. Its brilliantly freezing out, -25 but the wind is vicious, feels more like -40.

Tomorrow is set to be colder, -34. Bring it on!! Its all still a novelty for me so I'm enjoying it....lets see how long that bit of mentalness lasts

SUNDAY ALL OVER THE WORLD

That was a bit confusing, I nodded off on the settee and woke up to Eastenders ominibus on the tv, OLD Eastenders. Sharon and Dennis are planning their wedding, Den is "missing", Alfie cant decide between Little Mo and Kat, I'm confused and feel like its years ago.

Nice to have the omibus though, its just depressing knowing what I have to sit through before its caught up to where I am. Pauline, Dennis, Johnny, Nana Moon have all yet to die, Sonia has yet to be a lesbian and then change back again, Peggy bloody Mitchell even has to go back to the Queen Vic for frigs sake....I dont think I can do it all again. Its even further behind than Corrie.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

HA HA HA HA

Man City balloons!

SOMEBODY MUST KNOW.....

Has anybody seen that awful film, it might have even been a tv movie. It was about the impending end of the world and it was like you were watching a news broadcast of it really happening. It was REALLY REALLY shit, the title was something really obvious. Its annoying me because I cant remember what it was called. Im sure it was a tv movie. It had the news reader talking to the "world" and counting down the minutes till the end, someone must please get it from my rubbish description.Please....

Ok, what else? I went to Abbey last night to watch Jacy, Curly,Danelle and some others curl. Then we went to Abbey bar where some drunken lady put me in a bad mood by highlighting my pathetic-ness cos Im living at my parents house at the minute. There is an element of truth in it so I went on a downer and wanted to go home. Troy picked us all up then another girl drove us home from his house, the police stopped us on some random check but no problems this time! Ended up at the bar about 2am, drank a fistful of bottlecaps and cider so I cheered up. Then we all carried on drinking at Jacys where me and Lindsay argued about the law and asking under 18's for id. (I of course was correct, Lindsay of course was a tool!) Got in at 6am.

Then it was the ice fishing derby today, my Mum entered and caught nothing. I got a bit cold and bored so went home for a few hours in the middle. I returned drank ceasers and somehow (I think some kids accidentally did it) my camera got wet so I went all panicy and insisted on being driven home so I could dry it out. Dont worry Brad, it still works!!! I didnt turn it on until I was sure it was dry (I have learnt that the hard way before after losing many mobile phones down the toilet!)

In other news did you know there is a place in Newfoundland called Dildo? Donna told me that on Friday.....excellent!!

I think Lindsay is not feeling too well today, Im very tempted to make him watch 2 girls 1 cup so I can see him spew, but I'm too nice to do that!

UNINTERESTING FACT

Since emigrating my feet have began to smell more.

What is all that about??

I will leave you that to ponder over whilst I take my self to the shower....I was working in the bar again tonight, I really like it there. Tonight was good fun, I managed to drink cider and Jager as well. Its my first day working in the co-op tomorrow....then its deal or no deal in the bar (my dad is a finalist) then I think we are going to Abbey to watch Cindy and Jacy curl. Im getting curling lessons soon.......

Message ends...

Goodnight.

SEPERATED AT BIRTH

Clint Boon and Toni Tennille.

Spookily they both played keyboard

I couldnt post this under my last Tennille comment, but I think you can see where I'm coming from! (for Tennille see further down)

FOR THE RECORD

A little something to clear up after White Bear....

Its Physalis Peruvian...commonly known as a Cape Gooseberry.

I knew it wasnt a kumquat and instead was something that sounds like syphilis.

FERRERO ROCHER ANYONE?

The cat that Mum brought over - Duke is a proper scaredy cat.
He wont go outside and spends most of the day hiding until the middle of the night of course when he becomes all super lively and makes as much noise as possible just to wake everyone up.

Now, this is easy to live with except for one thing. Due to his refusal to go outside (and its -20 out so I cant say I blame him) he has a litter tray. Again, this is easy to live with as its not my cat so I don't have to empty it......can you guess though who has taken to emptying it???

That's right, Jeremy has added cat shit eating to his repertoire of shit eating. Already he is a fan of sheep shit and horse shit but cat shit covered in kitty litter?? Ummm, crunchy. His mouth smells enough as it is without the whiff of tuna and shit that its giving out at the minute.

It makes his turds look a bit more interesting though , kind of speckley. Maybe the litter has exfoliating qualities - cleanest beagle colon in town I tells you!


Apologies, yet again another post of me talking about dogshit.

I think I need a hobby!

Blimey, Heath Ledger ey???
I always thought he looked a bit like Paul Quinn.

Shame. R.I.P.

I@M DEDICATING YOU TUBE SONGS TO PEOPLE AGAIN....

For Kay and Linds and for those of you about to rock....

KIA ORA AD

Wreckless Eric-Whole Wide World

U-U-ULTRA ECCENTRIC SUPER CULT POP PUNK BAND - SHONEN KNIFE

I came across these when I was packing, they must be from '91. Theres a signed photo of them taken when they supported Nirvana at the Academy, an origami frog , a letter and the postcard that was waiting for me when I returned from seeing them in Reading that year. I did have some signed albums as well but they have been lost, borrowed or given away since then.





I'm pretty sure I saw them again at the Manchester University with the BMX Bandits supporting, but I'm not sure..oh happy days! I just remember that we were poor and so had to make the last train home so missed the end and never got to meet them afterwards.

Shonen Knife Redd Kross

I love the Knife

NOTHING TO REPORT

Ummm, I just had the best baked brie with chilli jam I have ever had.

Thats all I have to report today, I've not been outside because its snowing, windy and cold. I'm off to the bar at 6.

Thats all folks.

DROP THE CAKES LINDSAY

My stupid brother keeps calling my Mum "Carol Cakes" which for some reason I am finding weird. Probably because Scott and I used to call each other cakes. It just sounds wrong, but then you have to remember my brother has a tiny brain and is still skill-less.

I've put these on FB but here are a few pictures from e went to White Bear. White Bear is that tiny town that people around here go to in the winter because you can get there by driving across the frozen river...other wise it would be a much longer journey.

As usual, I forgot to take my camera out in the bar but managed to take a picture of some of us next to the sign that Lindsay "Hot Legs" Kelsey made so people remembered the over ice shortcut. Then I tried to take a picture of the ice, but the photos don't do the ice any justice. It looked really good though, with bits in it that looked like frozen bubbles. I'm told its 3 feet deep (which is the only reason I agreed to get in a car driving across a frozen river). There was a few ice fishing huts out there but I saw no one fishing. The town is having an ice fishing derby on 26th, I think I will go and check that out for a bit then.

Weather wise its -27 with the wind chill, so I think I'm staying in. The beagles walks get shorter and shorter, I'd go out more but its just so friggin cold. I cant handle it. May be I need to get a balaclava.

Jeremy the Hutterite Beagle

Jeremy the Hutterite Beagle and me with the moustache I got after losing 'scissor, paper ,stone'

Jacy rocking out on guitar hero

I'LL PLAY CATCH UP....

So, on Friday after work I sat down and drank bottlecaps (my new favourite thing about Canada) with a bunch if riggers. One was well travelled, think he was called Kelly. He is a consultant and kept getting his tattoos out and doing AC/DC air guitar. He is in a band who (rock and roll name drop of the decade coming up....) did a song in the Jamie Lee Curtic/Piss Tank Lohan movie "Freaky Friday". Anyway, we went back to Jacy's house where he partied like a rock star, oh no...hang on. He didnt, so Catherine the one trick pony drew Gene Simmonds outline over his face. When I woke up the next day I felt a right twat, seems he wasnt very happy, infact he was livid. Havent seen him since either!

Then on Saturday we went to White Bear then I worked at night. And that is where I have been again tonight. More bottle caps and riggers. I promised Clint I would join him for a beer after but its 3am, Im not that drunk and I needed to go home. Besides, he was pretty tanked so hopefully he will have fallen asleep and it will be no drama! I should have got my camera out tonight cos I dont think they are all here for much longer. They are all really nice, I had a weird dream about one of them - Sebastian (now everytime I look at him I go red!), Frank is the funniest man I have met in a long time and the rest of them are just dead friendly.

TOO TIRED

I'll post the pictures tomorrow

END OF A VERA

Coronation Street is 8 months behind the UK here, Tracy has only just been sent down and Deirdre is making her way through 15 boxes of superkings. I've just read that Vera dies tonight (infact, I believe it has already happened.) I havent even watched it /know what happens and I've been crying already. Do I win £5 for being the most pathetic?

SOME JOKES ARE BETTER WRITTEN THAN SPOKEN

Two tourists were driving through Wales.

As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

YEAH

Good morning everybody....its snowing.

ZOO-DO-KU

WHAT A LOAD OF WIND

Well, we were promised a blizzard today. Its probably not something that a normal person would be looking forward to, but I do little else with my time so I was quite excited.

Bollocks all snow, well a tiny bit. Loads down the road but we just got wind. And blimey it was cold. So I didn't go out much today at all. Only made it out with the dog once (I was also moody with him cos he got excited when we were playing inside with a squeaky tennis ball, he jumped up and accidentally scratched my face.) Now, to accompany the new world forming on my right eyebrow I have a line across my nose and other eye. It went a bit red so I sat with half a bag of frozen peas on it in the hope it wont be black tomorrow.

I have just spent half an hour making something to post on here but i cant get it on...its too late to sort it out now so I'll do it tomorrow. The idea is slightly robbed from Viz but its all my own work. You can all enjoy it during your coffee break tomorrow.

Thinking on, I will be getting up after all you English folk will have had your lunch. Oh well, something to look forward to for your afternoon break.

Laters amigos.

Oh, on a serious note (and not on a piss taking serious note like yesterday) RIP Norman Hudson. That man was a legend. He died yesterday.

IT IS WITH GREAT SADNESS.....

Lindsay yesterday

I have just found out something,forgive me but its hard for me to write about but I have to tell you all.

My brother Lindsay needs an operation,its serious and could be fatal. I have had tests to see if I can be a donor and upsettingly I am not a match so we are looking for donors to volunteer to see if they can match with him for an urgent transplant.

It seems my brother has a severve skill defincency,infact he has had it since birth. He has less than 50% skill than "normal" people. The sickening fact is that I have too much skill, more than doctors have ever seen before, but my skill is of a superior type, much more skillful than Lindsays. They cannot do anything to my skill to weaken it or "dumb it down".

We are currently contacting past guests of all the Jerry Springers shows (the hillbilly bust up editions) because the doctors are sure their skill levels will be a match with Lindsays poor skill level.

God bless us all. Please keep us in your prayers at our time of need.

WHEN I HAVE TO EXPLAIN MY JOKES...

Thats the way to do it

LIKE A LEAD BALLOON

I told the best joke in the world to some Canadians last week, you know the one about the crocodile running away with the sausages.

Canadians, much like under 25 years old Brits it seems are unfamiliar with Punch and Judy. So, much like Roy "say what you see" Walker I was left laughing at my own joke......again.

bon jovi-bad medicine

For The Bohan

SHRINKING MY SECOND HEAD

I thought it was just a little pimple or something on my right eyebrow last week, then I thought it may be an ingrowing hair. Now though I am convinced it is either a horn forming (but as Im not that evil) it must be the sprouting of a second head.

After maoning to my Mum about it she remembered that some bloke at work had something similar and went to the doctor. The doctor told him to hold a warm wooden spoon on it at apply some rolling pressure.

I have been doing this for an hour. Now she tells me that he ended up having to go to hospital to have it removed (the lump, not the spoon).Still, I will persist even though she has given me a cure that doesnt work, I do think it is getting smaller.

BLEURGGH

We ended up going to Swift Current instead. I think I have contracted ceasar poisoning. I finally got to go to the York, it was everything I hoped it would be. There was an old man in a bright red, blue and white wooly hat asleep by the door, there was a man inside telling everyone about how he kicked some door in somewhere and the barmaid had a moustache.

I was sick all of yesterday, Gin is no friend of mine. The fact that the only thing I have eaten in the last 3 days have been whatever food was in my drinks (so pickles,celery,lime...oh, and some complimentary popcorn) may have been a significant contributing factor to my current state. Man can not live by popcorn alone mores the pity.

I think its Friday today, I'm going to be sensible from now on. Starting with breakfast. Its the way forward.

911

It was my first night working at the bar last night, it was ace. I made $70 in tips and subsequently got leathered. Proper leathered.The lady next door called the cops cos Clint ws parked in her drive or something. Very bizare. I was suppost to work at 7 this morning but as I only made it to bed at 6 I naturally slept in. If I dont drink soon I will be ill so I think we are going to White Bear. FYI, you get there by driving across the river, dont worrry its frozen but its still a bit scary. Cars should not drive on water. Fact.

I WISH I......

I wish I was there when Kay and Linds let it to slip to the girlie purple snow-washed denimed painted fingernailed thong wearer Bad Medicine that we called him Bad Medicine.

LA LA LAAAAAAA

Word is dawg, I am back behind the bar tonight after 3 months,serving the good people of Cabri. I have infiltrated the juke box with a bunch of all rounders (see below) and am looking forward to it, even though get hideously phissed there last night. And, it gets better.... they will be wireless there so I could take my laptop there and video conference with you all on brilliant Skype.You know...when Im not busy. But it usually is pretty conatant and its not like Macc. Its all table service and there is no draught.Plus I have a feeling they might now be out of Strongbow. I was spectacualy hammered. I think I was singing Macc Lads to riggers one of which had his pyjamas on in the bar if I remember correctly.


Disc 96 on the juke box now plays as follows....

Reasons to Be Cheerful Ian Dury & The Blockheads
You Know I'm No Good Amy Winehouse
High and Dry Radiohead
Down in the Tube Station at Midnight The Jam
Baby Fratelli The Fratellis
It's Too Late Carole King
Oh My God Mark Ronson
Life On Mars? David Bowie
Cupid Amy Winehouse
I Am The Resurection Stone Roses
Monkey Man Toots & The Maytals
Use Me Bill Withers
Valerie Mark Ronson
Whistle for the Choir The Fratellis
Cant Stand Me Now The Libertines
Flourescent Adolescent Artic Monkeys
Fly Me To The Moon Frank Sinatra
Blister In The Sun Violent Femmes
Got to Give It Up Marvin Gaye
You Sent Me Flying Amy Winehouse

I know, I know, its seriously lacking R Kelly. The time is not yet right.

HOUSE HUNTING

Yesterday we went and had our first look at some houses.
It started off badly for me when I put on my Uggs and naturally wore no socks...forgetting that people take off their shoes when entering properties. So, barefoot as a hillbilly I trapesed around houses for an hour.

Turns out I dont enjoy house hunting like I thought I did. Its boring and you find yourself stating the obvious all the time and comiing out with crap like "Ooh, thats a nice window","Um,storage","Lots of cupboards" and "Isn't that a big tv?".

I didn't like any of them really. I have found a nice little number on t'internet though, its got all wooden floors and a MTV hot tub out on the deck at the back. I think we are going to check that one out later sometime.

IM STILL BEING EDUCATED BY THE TV

I didnt know that Marvin Gaye's Dad was a cross dressing God botherer.
Fact. I watched Marvin Gaye - The final 24 hours.
Consequently I have spent most of the morning so far listening to "Got To Give It Up" (the 11 minute version) whilst dancing around the kitchen.

TUT TUT TUT

I'm still disappointed. Where was my mime-e-oke?

I ended up going to watch the hockey. No, thats a lie....I went to the game but saw none cos I stayed in the bar. But its one of those nights when no matter how much I drink I am not getting the benefits so I came home a bit early.

Still excited by Skype, even though Kay and Linds did not put on the performance I requested. I cant wait to bother people with it when Im drunk, but Im thinking I will have to start drinking early to do that so my UK audience can watch.

I suffer for my art.

WOW

Thats all I can say.

I am always the last to know about modern technology and the like so forgive me if I'm getting excited about something that everyone knew about years ago.

OMG, I LOVE SKYPE. Everyone should be on it. It just popped up on my screen that Kay was online (she downloaded it yesterday as well) so I pressed the call button and lo, she magically appeared on my screen. Bollocks to the telephone, now I can chat to England for free. I felt just like Kate Adey.

So if you have it already let me know, if you havent then get it.

Magic

Lindsey??????????????

What is the name of that Jack Kerouca book? It feels like that here x

DER-NER-NER-NERNER-NER-NERNER-NER-NER-NER

WelL I am now all the 3's,33 (as they would say in Bingo Calling School.) And I'm quite excited cos for my birthday I got a set of wheels. Yes, I got a bicycle. Its red and black and would you believe it, it has a radio and horn on the front light. A horn? It takes batteries, I haven't put any in yet but I'm hoping it sounds like the one off the General Lee on The Dukes Of Hazzard. I am indeed nothing but a big kid.

We also had a meal at Miso - the new Japanese restaurant in town. I had some vegetarian sushi which was ace. I ate that stuff everyday in Macc ever since small Tescos started stocking them. You could say I was experiencing withdrawals. I think I'll be a regular there when I move into town.

So, as long as its not -30 out today I think I will take my new wheels out for a spin and let the beagle run along with me.

MY HEAD JUKE BOX IS BROKEN

God only knows what I dreamt of last night but I woke up singing bloody Fluffy Pup in my head (you know the one..."You can cook, You can f*ck, You can do the washing up,Now I've had enough, Go on F*ck Off, Get Stuffed". ) And I didn't think I was feeling that homesick anymore!

But enough of that, heres a pic from New Years Eve. I was Classic Catherine, got plenty drunk, fell over and remember little. Oh well, I don't have to grow up until tomorrow.

MO

Mo (centre)

Mo truely was a great lady. I first met her Porters, where I was lucky enough to call her one of my regulars. She loved animals, hated the cold and kept going abroad for sun.It was Mo that introduced me to that heart wrenching Kipling poem 'The Power Of The Dog' that had me in tears while I was giving Benson away. She loved doing crosswords and wore great hats and jackets. Her husband Ian (right) is a true gent

I will always remember the day that we got The Sun and The Mirror to send reporters to the pub when the story broke about how they thought they found Lord Lucan, dead and buried in India. It turned out it was her mate Jungle Barry, Mo arranged his funeral and had loads of pictures. I rang up the newspapers and asked if they were interested...they were. (that was about midday) We then sat and drank in the pub waiting for them to turn up. By the time the first one did everyone else in the pub was putting in there two pennies worth and convinced her into asking for more than they were willing to pay. I seem to remember they offered a grand but too many drunks made her ask for double that. Negotiations going nowhere and as it was a dying story anyway they got pissed off and left.

She died this morning. God bless you Mo, I hope wherever you are there is plenty of sunshine.

AND WHILE I'M POSTING PICTURES

Brad took this little gem of MKB after his last fall in December. He was, as always 'stone cold sober'...

You have to be impressed with the symmetry of it all, see how it mirrors the bottle of brandy induced scar on the other side?

Crowther, can you lick his head again for me and tell me does it now taste of peanuts or leather footballs?

(I forgot that Crowther licked his head and said it tasted of peanuts, FYI it was the night of the pipe of Pimms when both Mr Crowther and MistaDobalina (Mr Bob Dobalina) drank me out of Pimms and Gin, tanned all my Egyptian strawberry tobacco and sliced up Mr Wilsons jumper with the lemon knife) I stumbled across this memory whilst reading last years entries. So its a fact.

Oh the glory days!

IS IT TRUE?

Can you really buy a Jeremy Beadle clock that has got one big hand and one little hand?

Ha ha ha ha, oh, hang on...how do I do that again in cyberspace?

Thats right, LMAO.

THE YEAR THAT WAS

Happy New Year.

So its 2008 already? Blimey. I have just been reading through all the shite I wrote on here last year...I suppose it was quite eventful all in all.

Like they do on telly, share with me if you will the highs and lows of what happened in 2007...

(in no particular order)

I emigrated.
I gave away most of my possessions.
I talked MKB and Blind Tony in to growing a beard.
R.Kelly released Chapters 13-22
I went to Tenerife, Hong Kong,China,Thailand and France.
I accidentally nearly OD'd after taking 17 sleeping pills! Knob Head.
I was a carpet fitter.
I found Facebook.
Claire got married.
I gave Benson away. (which was sad)
Graham Wilson mentioned me in his book.
We were named CAMRA Pub Of The Year 2006.
I gave up running the best pub in Macc.
Kay and Lindsay gave up booze for 37 days (I bet you forgot about that one ladies?)
Charles Wells brewery wrote to me to say that I am right and MKB is wrong about the pronunciation of Bombardier.
Kay won £1000 on the Grand National.
I realised that I hate Car Boot Sales.
I saw Amy Winehouse but was denied S.N.O.Dubba P D.O. Dubba G by the government.
I hung out back stage with Ian Brown in his dressing room, ate all his Haribo and drank him out of Corona.
I bought 60 mini battenburg cakes, cut them up and played domino rally with them.
My old neighbour rang the council to complain that my fridge was too loud and kept her awake.
We all got our faces painted like Gene Simmonds at Langley Fete.
My mobile was lost/stolen.
Frank Sidebottom performed for my birthday
I finally got rid of my hair extensions
I had the best time in Chicago Rock wearing an Indian feather head dress
I barred that cnut Gerry.
I only had to go to A&E once after slicing my finger open (that's quite good for accident prone me).

That was 2007 really.

So, for 2008 I am finally going to stop titling my posts in the style of a Jeremy Kyle show. Amen to that. I wonder whats in store? Well,I am 33 in two days time and I am going to buy a bike. That's all I know for sure so far..

Oh, FYI have you seen on You Tube? Little Fuckin Kev's voice has broken.....but he's still got it


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocFIZJgpz9c

Ignore that KevinPowder prick.
Pay no attention to Ginger Joe (its what you dont say that counts) or even the unblinking hooded walking asbo that is C-Mac,
concentrate on Little Fuckin Kev and his wondrous hand movements and confused, constipated expression. He waves his arms about more than a gesticulating frenchman.

Mint.

They're like a white Eminem only there's three of them!
Eminemememineminem,.
Beautiful.

laters x


Langley Fete



God gave rock n roll to us.
We were a million strong.