I WANT MY 1976 POWER CUT NOW

I dont think this engineer is coming. I've got all my candles ready, bought batteries for the radio, found my itrip....I want my power cut now.

Im tempted to just turn it back off so I can have my little mini drama of the day. I wonder how late these sparkys work? Maybe i'll give them another ring. Hes over an hour late after all.

By the way, I need crib players for my team, Im a bit short....anyone play and fancy some top card nights?You get to go to some choice boozers. Mondays will never be the same again I tell thee.

BOLLOCKS

Ive just dropped my bloody phone in the toilet whilst cleaning it. Now its broken. Today is not going too well.

Some man from United Utilities came to change my meter this morning. (for those of you that dont know the electricity meter downstairs looks proper fooked. For the past 7 years it has looked like it will go up in smoke and I would die in my bed). Understandably worried by this I have had them out pure times to look at it. Some engineers were worried by it, some said it was fine, one bent one said he could sort it for £25. One said that the road outside would need to be dug up and as it would cost too much there was nothing to be done....

This mornings visits have been somewhat of a carry on. The first man looked at it, said it wasnt right so he rang a second man to come out,- Steve. Steve came 2 hours later (blagged some sugar sachets off me)and said that someone else would have to come out and fix it, said that it was dangerous and turned off my electricity. So I turned it back on, explaining that I wasnt going to wait 5 hours until he came back out again to fix it. So if the whole place goes up, Steve says its my fault.

Fingers crossed ey?

SO EXCITED

Oh the grand old Duke of York,
he had 10,000 men,
he marched them up to the top of the hill and he marched them down again

Yes, after much talk, we are finally going to Buxton on the lash. First stop will be the Duke of Pork. Surely this must have the best/worst pub signage in the world. I love it! I promise to take a picture so you see what I mean.

WHAT A FIND!

I really want to share with you what I have bought Lindsey Arnold for her birthday, but I fear it will spoil the surprise....and it is indeed surprising. I had no idea what it was when I bought it. You'll have to wait a few weeks until I can reveal what exactly it is.
Clue: It is very very very wrong.

I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT

Watch out as I gush all over the screen....

Incase you didn't know, my most favourite item of footwear that I own (and is a major reason why I love autumn/winter and early spring so much) are of course my Hunters....


They have admittedly seen better days, they have some black marks on them that I acquired horse riding that I cant get off. They've walked through mud that nearly came up over the top, been christened by puddles all over Cheshire, Staffordshire and Derbyshire. The buggers have even dined with me at Yang Sing in Manchester. I love them especially as they say HUNTRESS on them, making them all kinds of country girlie cool.

Imagine then my delight (whilst ignoring anything I may have said post birthday piss up on the 4th) when I found this offer this morning.....




Only Veuve Clicquot Hunter
Wellies in glorious orange.
Oh I will be the envy of the country fair fraternity! I can just see me now....I hope it rains all summer long.
Looks like I'll have to break my no drinking champagne rule as I'll be stuck with four cases of the stuff, or maybe I should just learn to share it.

IS THERE A NEWS BLACKOUT???

One can only assume so, as there is no mention of it in the Macc Express.
Either that or it just doesn't warrant as many column inches as a pink car!?

AFROBEAGLE "COS I GOT HIGH"

"I was gonna shit on the carpet, until I got high.
I was gonna pee and make it wet, but I got hi hi - gh.
But now I need the vet and I know why,
(why man?)
cos I got high, cos I got high,because I got high.

La da da da da da da.

I was gonna chew Catherines phone, but I got high.
I was gonna chew anything but my bone, but I got hi hi-gh.
But now Im not going to ruin anything else at home, d'ya know why?
(why man?)
cos I got high, cos I got high,because I got high.


La da da da da da da."

No no no...dont ring the RSPCA, the beagle isnt really hept up on goofballs Cheif Wiggum, but If he carrys on eating and shitting on everything then I may consider it. La da da da da da da

ON A LIGHTER NOTE

Enough of all this talk of doom.
We've not had a picture of Benson wearing something daft on his head for a while so here he is in all his viking glory, about to go off raping and pillaging his way through south park. Excellent 

SEPERATED AT BIRTH

gary smart..................a man doomed

POOR GARY SMART....

Gary Smart is the one I feel sorry for.Seems Jehovah is going to destroy him unless he changes. I must notify him immediately

BAD NEWS GUYS....

I've just been paid a visist from the Jehovah Witnesses. Seems we are all doomed, doomed, doomed I tells 'ya.















Well, besides the war thing and the wife beating thing.I dont know why 70's dancing and jazz hands are a bad thing (top left) but then I suppose some of my dance moves are quite criminal. 

OH THE IRONY!

I have just realised that for the best part of a week I have been questioning the merits of the Macclesfield Express, and suggesting that it didn't deserved to be called a "news"paper.
And now here I find myself waiting for it to come out so I can read the official version of what unfolded outside resulting in such bloodshed.

The ironing is not lost on me!

(NOT QUITE) MURDER SHE WROTE

"I say, aren't you J.B Fletcher?"








Ok, heres the latest from the bad ass ghetto of South Central Roe Street.
Sophie from the hairdressers tells me that it was indeed a stabbing that caused the blood all over the road. Her source (someone from Manchester Police) told her that the guy was found at the tyre place round the corner on Churchill Way and is in intensive care.

Then, things took a turn for a worse while I was in Chicago Rock. Stuart who fixes my big screen tv informs me that it was a brutal attack and the man who was attacked is dead. He wont reveal his source but says its true.

Izzy who lives further down on Roe Street says the blood was there when she was walking home Friday night/Saturday morning. That blows the 9am story right out of the water.Phil Carr is a liar.

So this morning I ring my Mum.Shes reliable. Mum asks the lady who sits opposite the CCTV camera to get me to story.... Seems Sophie is right. The man is critical and was indeed stabbed. How can I not of heard this? I am kind of upset. You'd like to think that if someone was stabbed outside your house you'd know about it.I did go out at 1am to get a curry for me and the cockney (who incidentally I haven't heard from since I drunkenly texted him the L word last night from the rock.The L word so far had not been mentioned . Think I might have scared him off) only I went the back way to the Indian...thank god....could have been me!

FINAL WORD

Another thing, and this will be the last on this subject I promise...

THIS HAS BEEN REMOVED BY ME SO I DONT GET IN TROUBLE

PARCEL FOR JENNA....

I'm just of to the post box to post this....










Contents:
1. pink bandana
2.pink socks (new from primark)
3.pink shower thing (again, new and unused from the body shop)
4.pink cocktail umberella
5.pink hair roller
6.pink spool of thread
7.pink letter "o and pink letter "k"
8.pink ribbon
9.pink lighter
10.pink macc pool league results card
11.pink hair band
12.pink tube of sun block
13.pink royal bank of scotland £100 in 5p bag
14.pink hair clip

Dear Jenna... if you ever find out it was me that sent it then I hope I didnt freak you out. I am harmless.I just thought it would be hilarious.(which it is!!!) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah aha ha!!! 

WISH I HAD A CAT

http://www.stuffonmycat.com ha ha ha.

still not as good as http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com must remember to sens in a pic of my dad. Back in the day you know my dad gave autographs to 2 ladies in Ireland who thought he was Kenny Rogers.
lots of love, kenny x x x
Hilarious

ROE STREET CSI

Im still piecing together the case of the weird goings on of this morning. Here are the hard facts as they unfolded....

I left to go to the bank at 11.15am, there was a policeman standing guard outside the Davenports house 4 doors along behind a cordoned off area. When I got back at 11.30am the policeman and tape had gone, instead just a council guy scrubbing the floor.

First customer in was Paul Carr, asks if there had been a murder cos there was blood all over the road with police taking pictures of the crime scene.

Third customer in asks what happened, apparently there were police outside at 9am.(even though this is right outside my window I missed it all)

I ask Ed who works at TJ's and lives next door but 1. He says that someone was mugged on Roe Street early in the morning and whoever did it was caught at Halfords just after.

The Halfords story is then confirmed by Phil who had been stopped by police at the same time and heard them being radioed to be told that the assailant was at Halfords.

Through out the day people keep asking what had happened. Naturally I passed on the facts that I knew - two innocent people were attacked by a psycho wielding a knuckle duster which housed a flick knife. I wrestled the maniac to the ground and disarmed him, and managed to save the life of one of the victims (a priest) by using CPR techniques I picked up off Holby City, unfortunately there was nothing I could do to help the bald guy he was with. He had been decapitated and then run over and was therefore already dead.

I then changed the story a few more times during the day. I left it at drawing a chalk line around Ian outside and adding some fake blood. Its not as impressive as my favorite lie - that the Tescos on Exchange Street sells more bananas than any other Tesco in the UK but it might get some people believing it. (Ive just remembered one better that the banana story)....Did you know that Macclesfield has the highest Pot Noodle consumption rate in Europe? Fact!

MRS (BRADLEY) DOUBTFIRE

Porters Leg-end and Taxi Driver Supremo Mike "King of the Urban Surf" Bradley aka Mikey B Bo'Selecta was on fire last night.
Usually he keeps well clear of any bitter thats stronger than 4.5%, but last night he strayed in to the world of the 5%ers.....and boy did he stray.

It was much like the movie Mre Doubtfire, when Doubtfire realises that she/he has double booked and so spends his time running between his two "dates". Bradley had Blind Tony at one end of the bar and his ever neglected pool team at the other. Not wanting to upset either of his "dates" Mike was in a round with Tony and a round with Rick and Paul, therefore having two (yes TWO) pints on the go. And not any common or garden bitter, blummin' blow yer head off Winter Warmer - weighing in at a mighty 5%. (I had to keep his double round a secret from either end of the bar!)
Later, I asked him why he had white stuff (surprisingly WHITE stuff) all over his T-shirt, he calmly explained that it was tissue as he had blown his nose. Not sure how he blew it cos he was covered in the stuff.

Ahh Mikey B, we want you for our leader. How does it go Mre Doubtfire?...ah yes...
"Carpe dentum. Seize the Teeth."

MOTT'S CLAMATO JUICE

Thanks to my Auntie Linda shipping me over a case of Mott's we must be one of the only places in the UK serving Caesar's.

I dont know if you have ever been to Canada or even tried the delights of tomato and clam juice but let me tell you these babies are amazing. I have tried everywhere to find it here. A mission impossible I tell thee. Almost as hard as when I tried to source a supplyof Thai Red Bull. Well, I found the Thai Red Bull (all gone now except for 2 bottles) and now I've found the Mott's.

But whats a Caesar you ask? Well, a glorified bloody mary really....only 10,000 000 times more immense....

We rim the glass with lime and celery salt. Then add ice, Absolut Vodka, The Mott's Tomato & Clam cocktail, worcester,tobasco and lime.Instead of the stalk of celery we have gone for a vodka infused green bean.(apparently its all the rage in B.C)

R.I.P Hangovers.

THE MACCLESFIELD EXPRESS

Yes kiddie winks, its Wednesday. You know what that means? Macclesfield Express day.

Today is a perticularly shite effort. I love it how in the new year the coroner does his reports so, all in one edition you read of how 4 people have hung themselves. This was throughout last year but having them all in one paper at the same time kind of makes you not want to get out of bed.

But, do not fear....For on the front page and page 3 is the what must be the most newsworthy story of the year...

Jenna Hall, a Fallibroome Sixth Former of Scholars Close has a pink car.
Yes, I kid you not. Its facinating....

Jenna, who studdies blah blah blah said "I used to wear everything in pink all the time but now I only wear pink jumpers"

It goes on..."two of her bedroom walls are painted a brilliant pink, another one is a lighter shade with the remaining wall a surprising WHITE"

For fuck sake Macc Express...How is this news? I dont know this pink loving Jenna Hall, a Fallibroome Sixth Former of Scholars Close and I wish her no harm but does anyone really give a flying fuck if she likes the colour pink?
A few years ago some cunt shot my front windows 7, thats SEVEN times.With a gun. A GUN.Did that make the paper? Did it buggers like. I tell you what, that was fucking news. I give up. I have been somewhat of a media whore myself over the past years, but I can only assume that Jenna Hall, a Fallibroome Sixth Former of Scholars Close has a parent who works for the god damn paper. Bring back Carla.

"a surprising WHITE" ....indeed

SECRET...

Loving your "secret" Annie.
(by the way my return key works again))

hope
you
don't
mind
if
I
abuse
it
for
a
while.

Only I missed it. (It hasn't worked for days!)

I know you all think Im uber cool, but I have a secret that may make you giggle. Its a glorious misheard lyric of mine......

Last year, for about a week or two I wondered why The Killers sang "Diana Ross, indie rock and roll is what I want..." at the beginning of glamorous Indie Rock and Roll. After a week of singing it I thought Id check it on t'internet. It never even dawned on me that he was of course singing the title! There you go, laugh away!

...its in my soul, its what I need....

COULDN'T ORGANISE A PISS UP IN A BREWERY...

Shamefully....I am this person. I haven't half made a pigs ear out of organising the staff christmas do. I cant organise anything. It got all "one in a boat-hen, fox and a sack of grain across the river" on me.
It was supposed to be a trip to the dogs, I asked Martin to bring some of his Drum and Monkey staff to work he agreed, unfortunatley the Magners had kicked in and I didnt realise that the day we had sorted was only 5 days away. So after coming to terms with the fact that some people couldnt make it I had to ditch the dogs idea. New plan is as follows...Get smashed here til 8, then a meal at Prestbury Village Restaurant.Makes more sense than our usual outing to Yang Sing - what with my Mum not eating anything ... ("i dont do that Cath3rine") . Im sure we will have a good time. Well I will anyway!

HANG ON

Have just read that it is a tribute to Stevie Wonder and not actually Stevie Wonder. Thought that sounded too good. I dont think Paul knows...

THE BOY DONE GOOD

Oh I forgot...check this out. The cockney is taking me to see Stevie Wonder at the Jazz Cafe in May. Very cool.














Taking of cool...Claire Heyes is definatley the bestest person in the universe. This week she performed the miracle of hair extentions on me. I now have a massive mane. Its awesome.It kind of takes me back to my dreadlock days, only cleaner! 

CHEWED MODEM CABLE....AGAIN

Damn that beagle.

I pulled an almighty skive and drank all night last night. It was hilarious. Ended up in the Swan with 2 Necks and would you adam and eve it, I even did Karaoke. Very out of character. I was with my cockney and his mates (it was their idea). It was a bit rum to begin with, 4 of the 6 people that were in there are barred from here by me but amazingly left me alone. Then I had that much vodka that I thought I rocked. Me and Paul sang something...cant remember what, oh and I did forever in blue jeans. I need to get my work head back on but its not happening. He is lovely!

eaten modem

1,000 APOLOGIES

Sorry for the dog pencil porn shot. I can see its wrong.
Please dont grass me up to the Sun.

I KNOW ITS WRONG BUT.....

lipstick!











ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 

JEALOUS ARE WE BOYS???

 

CRINGE CRINGE......FLASHBACK!

Its coming back to me now. At about 3am I gave Paul a inpromptu concert. I believe I sang him "Hotshot Tottenham" "Snooker Loopy" by messers Chas n Dave, "Anfield Rap" (? why cath3rine, why?) and the full version of "The Winner" by Bobby Bare. OMG, and Ivor Biggun. Im such a lady! We both then did Squeeze "Labelled with Love" so I guess its not so bad. At least he joined in!

MAGIC

Thats the only word that can describe what the rum lad Lewis has done to my phone. Its mint and proper bo now I tell thee. The beagled chewed one is now in the bin. Happy 2006! Spoke to some lady in the pub last night who reckons she can train the beagle (and more importantly train me!) The classes I did with Vic Barlow weren't very successful (especially as I found out the final test day clashed with The Pixies playing at the Appollo, and I already had tickets for that). We didnt end up attending many classes....well they were on a Monday which was no good for me as it followed Sunday. This lady (Sandra I think) has classes on a Tuesday at 7pm. I can even still make slimming world! Ha ha....dont know when that will happen again!

ERM....JOHN LEWIS, IF YOUR READING THIS...

Its a little blurry John but did I give you my phone to do some sort of transplant operation on? I remember sitting down, having 2 phones and you saying you got screw drivers for christmas. I am sure I was asking for the impossible so its ok to not do it. Also, when you asked if I could live without my phone for a day and I cooly said yes.....This seems to be far from the truth. How ridiculously sad is that? My name is Cath3rine Higginb0tham and I am a text-a-holic.

MY OH MY OH MY

The world I am in is the world of pre pain. I cannnot believe how hammered I became.
Dear everyone who came out for my birthday,
Thankyou. I had a great night although I remember very little. I am/can never drink champagne again. I would be very ill now but Im too happy. Im sure it kick in sooner than later. Seems I made Paul have a bath with me to see if we would both fit in it (what with him being pure tall) I then drank half a bottle of creme de menthe as I read somewhere it enhances something I dont want to say with my mum reading. I dont know at what stage of the night this happened. If it was early then I am sorry for leaving you all. Oh my stars.....I can see two of everything. Erm....glad everyone got to meet the cockney although Im sure I hogged him all night.
Ill, ill ill.
It was a great birthday.According to the ladies orracle it was my last! Thankyou everyone. So excited about the violent femmes.