WHEN WEEKENDS CONFUSE

It is Langley Fete on Sunday.
I dont know what to do now.

Im working in the Millstone in about an hour. That'll be different!

WHEN DATES CHANGE

Hold the phone. It has just been pointed out to me that Langley Fete is on this Sunday. Does anyone know if this is fact?
I love Langley Fete.

WHEN SKIVING RULES

I am LOVING not having to work. I am doing nothing and its ace.

The beagles are meeting on Sunday to get it on. We are taking them to the field so they can play. If they dont look like its going to happen then I think I'll lock them in the stable. Maybe light a few candles and play some soft music. Ha ha...Im sure it'll be no problem. Jeremy was drooling when he met her last time. Unfortunately this meeting of the hounds coincides with me going out with a right saucy looking lad, but I suppose its only and hour. I cant be standing in the way of puppy love. We're putting them to each other for an hour on Monday as well. You know, just to make sure.

In other news...
I keep waking up at 4am, this I am not loving.
The internet is not working at my parents house for some reason. Also, I'm not loving this. So Im currently blogging from the home of the Johnson.Which is nice.

WHEN BEAGLES MEET

So, the beagles met.

She is smaller than Jeremy (but from what I have seen, Jeremy is the Digby of the Beagle world. There is no larger.) Bailey (the bitch) is ready on Monday/Tuesday next week so Im sending my boy out to lose his virginity and knock the little tan and white bitch up. Beautiful.

I must admit, I like being the "man" in this instance. (when I say me I of course mean the beagle).

The pleasure is mine, the baby's yours!

Jeremy was positively drooling over her. Hes well up for it, let me tell you.

Well Im off down Kusch Too now for some meal and bottle of wine offer. Just as well cos Im totally starving

WHEN PEOPLE RETURN

Now I am a lady of leisure I suppose I have no excuse to not blog.

Last week was so hectic. My last day here was mega, it was proper busy and loads of people made the effort. Thanks to everyone who came. I will put some pictures on when I get chance (and when I indeed get given some picture...me being me I didnt take any.)

I will catch up on all of that but first....big news...

1. My Veuve Clicquot wellies sold for £92 on ebay which I can not get over as you can buy them online from Malmaison.com for £60.

2. I am doing 9 days relief at the Navigation in a week or so. That'll be different

3. The best bit....I had a call from a lady who was wondering if I wanted to let my beagle get it on with her beagle and give me money for the pleasure. Yep, I'm putting him out to stud. She's done it before, knows what to do. Is bringing her bitch in at 4 today to see if they get on. I have told her that I'm not sure exactly of his sexual prowess as I have been watching him go at it hammer and tongs with a fluffy red cushion and he doesn't fill me with the hope that he would know what he is doing.

I know everyone says it changes dogs but I have since talked to loads of people who have pimped their pet and I am now under the conclusion that it is a load of bollocks just put around by the dog breeding fraternity who dont want to see anyone make any cash out of it. Well screw them. Who died and made them king of shagging dogs. My boy wants to get his end away and the money would pay for his transportation to Canada.

Jeremy Beagle - international stud. He'll be wanting to spend the day reclining on a red velvet cushion with a diamond stud in his ear drinking from a gold and diamond dog bowl.

So you see Nina, that is why I will shout you dinner tonight. I owe you big time.

WHEN BROTHERS GET THEIR SISTERS INTO GAMBLING

All I dreamt about was making a totem pole out of cardboard boxes.

So, guess what Im going to do today??

As if I didn't have enough to do.

FYI, Jeremy (the horse not the dog) came second at Ascot yesterday so I got my stake back. Its all going on Supaseus (which I backed last year and came nowhere) @11/1.

Keep em crossed.

WHEN PEOPLE BACK HORSES THE SAME NAME AS THEIR DOG

Well, thats Monday out of the way. Its my last Tuesday today and all I want to do is sleep. Jeremy is running at 4.20 at Ascot so I stuck a fiver on him. That ought to make sure he comes in last.

I've just finished my costume for Sunday by making some boots to go with it. So yeah. I'm umm-ing and ahh-ing whether to make a totempole. Im still no where near finished emptying here of all my rubbish. Two rooms to go...s'pose I better get back to it. I just cant help thinkning how I really want cake.

I think its Bensons last night here. Rick said he might take him tomorrow. I know its the best thing so I'm coping fairly well...

Only fairly well mind.

WHEN PEOPLE GET PHONE EXCITED

I ordered a Canadian sim for my phone today, talk about being organised.

Right, Im going to bed now before I bore myself anymore.

WHEN ALL THATS MISSING ARE HENNY PENNY,DRAKEY LAKEY,GOOSEY LOOSEY AND TURKEY LURKEY

Who else was there apart from Chicken Licken?

People of Macclesfield, I warn you...watch your heads cos the sky is falling in and Im on my way to tell the king. Well, its not falling in (and Im not really off to tell the king) but if you are walking down Churchill Way mind your head cos I saw something caught up in the branches of the tree bushes things that hang down over the pavement.

What? You may ask. Sadly someone has thrown what looks like a bag of what I imagine is dog doings. I couldn't/wouldn't reach it so we'll have to wait for gravity to have its way. But look out, I'd hate for you to be walking under it.

WHEN WOMEN EAT MEN

Its Sunday,
It's 7:42 pm
and I am not smashed and I am not going to Chicago Rock.
CrackerJack.

There is no way I could handle making a fool of myself like that again...well, not for another week.

Well, its a week to go until I leave the pub and Im going bizarrely mental. Not nice mental, horrible mental.

I hate being bitter and twisted. It sucks and its so unattractive. I made someone I like cry yesterday just because Im a bitch and I obviously cant handle other people being happy. Im sure I used to be a nicer person. Im blaming here for making me the evil cow I am today but what if when I leave here I realise that is who I am anyway?

So Im staying out of the way of everyone today. Im even doing my paperwork. I think Im going to start going to church.

Does Nelly Furtardo sing "She's a maneater, makes your cock hard" or what?. She should, I would! Talking of which I think I want to do rude things to a boy that comes in here.He drove past me before when I was walking the hounds whilst I was looking miserable, listening to Radiohead on my ipod feeling all sorry for myself. Can't see it happening though. Im rubbish.

Over in the boring world of ebay I relented and have decided to sell my veuve hunter wellies. A week to go and already at £40. I do love them but since someone mentioned that they were like the ones the doozers wore in Fraggle Rock I can't look at them the same, as much as I like to dance my cares away and save them for another day. I would much much much rather have a pair of red Hunters. Im still taking my green Huntress's to Canada. They are beyond cool, not as tall as normal Hunters and are wider around the top (im having flashbacks of talking Hunters to Annie in the pub last night).

BTW, I know its old but incase you haven't heard it....Did you know they asked Michael Barrymore if he was doing Panto this year? He said no cos he did Aladdin 6 years ago and has never heard the end of it.

WHEN PEOPLE REFLECT

I dont know what made me think of this but the scariest night I have ever had in whilst I have had the pub was the strangest.

It was a Tuesday night a few yeras ago now and there was this group of 30/40something men in. We had finished serving and they were the last to leave. It was getting on to about 11.30 then one of them just started screaming and throwing himself around the place. They all jumped on him and loads of tables and chairs went flying. They told me to ring an ambulance. The noise coming from this man was incredible, so piercingly loud. Turns out he had a pacemaker fitted and it was shorting out on him for no reason. His mates had seen it happen before so knew what to do.

Then it would sort itself out and he would be ok, not knowing of course what had happened then it would happen again. He'd be crying and screaming and threatening his mates telling them to get off him. They knew he didnt know what he was doing so carried on holding him down. It was so sad, It went on for about half an hour before the ambulance. 3 of my neighbours called the cops cos they thought it was going off in here.

I'm telling you, we dont know how lucky we are half the time.

WHEN DOGS HAVE SLEEPOVERS

Rick and Marie had Benson last night for a test drive. He still isn't back and I think I will be fine with leaving him. It didn't feel like a big deal saying goodbye to him.But then it was only for a night.
If they dont want him then Claire says she'll take him. I think Benson might be a little older than they are looking for. We shall see.

Well, its 9 days to go for me here. Well, at the pub that is. I have my fancy dress outfit sorted, its a slutty indian girl number. Bit shorter than I thought it would be but as I've made it to the grand old age of 32 with no cellulite (I'm sure its cos I have never drank tea or coffee) I might try and get away with it. Its no shorter than that black number I paraded around manchester like a drunken teenager in on Monday I suppose.

Plan is, if its sunny (which 10 day weather forecasts say no) then I will line up loads of picnic benches going out on to the car park, U.S Family BBQ style. Johnson says she will be a cowgirl and she might even bring two of her horses down so we can ride around the town centre dressed as Cowboys and Indians. I've always wanted to do that. Town is quiet enough on a Sunday. It'll be a laugh.
And if its raining...?Well, it'll just be a bit more crowded in here I guess

I tried to get involved with shifting some of my crap, I mean my quality merchandise by taking advantage of the 10p listing day on ebay yesterday but Ebay bores me so. I have some dummy Veuve Clicquot bottles on there doing ok...thats about it.

WHEN ......OH I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

I love having Mondays off.



Went to Manchester with Nina and Sarah, had lunch at Alberts Shed then walked in to town. Ended up sitting with all the other drunks who dont seem to work drinking cider at Sinclairs Oyster Bar. Blimey it was hot.



Annoyingly I couldn't get Sheena Easton's "9 to 5" out of my head. Not top be confused with Dolly Partons "9 to 5" which I also love, infact I cant decide which I prefer...think I like Sheena Eastons number.

Then went to Top Shop which confused me. I tried on an all in one trouser suit and 3 pairs of trousers. I think they just make up the sizes there cos I managed to fit in trousers which were 10,12,14 and 16. Very random. So we went to Primark.

Had a few at Kro in Piccadilly Gardens which saw me then being late for my presentation thing from CAMRA. I gave the worst acceptance speech, probably as I was 8 pints pissed.

Passed out about 11.

This morning I managed to get rid of my broken fridge freezer,washing machine and loads of carpet at the tip with the assistance of my old boss Mr Lavin. I love throwing things away. I still have a mountain of crap to sort through.

Tonight was by far the best night for MKB stories. He was telling us about how when, in his younger days there was no women he couldn't pull and he once turned down a bond girl. Then he went on to tell some random story about how he threatened some guy into paying off his bill. I can only conclude that MKB was a little freaked out by Crowther who jokingly kissed his bald head on Friday night after drinking the Pipe Of Pimm's and telling all and sundry how it "tasted of peanuts" and so was showing how un-gay he is.

Make sense? No not really.

Well, I still feel ropey. I still cant type and I want pizza. Lindzoid went out to get me one but I fear I may have lost him to The Rock with Chris Hall so maybe that pizza ship has sailed.

I think my dogs are into Speedway. Everytime I come upstairs its on the telly. I haven't put it on and there is no-one else here. Little weirdos. Jeremy went for his rabies vaccination this morning. My vet has retired and there was a new one, he was really good. The beagle is still over weight at a wopping 25kg, he wants him to lose about 3 kg.Not a chance, that hound can find food anywhere.

WHEN NEIGHBOURS GRASS

The concil have just rang me up. Someone has complained that there is broken glass all over the back by the senior citizens hall and its my fault.

Motherfuckers. I dont need this when Im in a World Of Pain.

There was some broken glass 20 metres away so I swept it up. As far as I am aware it is not a constant problem, it was one glass. Why the hell would someone ring the council to complain about that? Why would you not just pick it up or ask me to pick it up, Im approachable. Im telling you, its that woman next door.I think shes losing her marbles. The other week she rang up saying the fumes from my heating were giing in her bedroom. Hello Teresa, its friggin hot out, I dont have my heating on, the boiler is no where near your house and you are a fruit cake. She rang up once to say that my fridges were too loud.

Im telling you, I cant wait to leave.Drama-motherfucking-rama.

WHEN PEOPLE FACE FACTS

I really cant type.

WHEN MORK WAS CALLING ORSON, COME IN ORSON

Guess who danced like a muppet all by herself in Chicago Rock last night? Usually I would be cringing about my behaviour but Im too busy being proud of myself for keeping my boots on. Yes, I didnt take my shoes off at all. This is a record.

Went to the Robin Hood for lunch then drove through Goyt Valley and went to the Swan in Kettleshulme which must be the best pub in the world. Going to the ladies is like when Mork went to Talk to Orson at the end of Mork and Mindy, you know, just around teatime. Well it was in our house anyway. In the sun its just bright brilliant white in there. Nannoo-Nannoo.

Came back here did 3 hours or so then went to the Church House in Sutton then to Leek then unfortunately the Rock.

Im going to Manchester with Nina and Sarah for lunch in about half an hour. I look like dog puke and I stink like a tramp. Suppose I better go and rectify that situation

WHEN CORDON-BLEU IS MISSED

Cath3rine+Stairs in Weatherspoons+Floaty Maxi Dress=Splat.

Im a friggin walking disaster.

Bit rendered last night, Im having flash backs of someone telling me I looked like a beagle. Maybe its the long velvet ears?! Wtf.

3 cheeky vimtos and a corona in Jar Bar = £24.50
3 cheeky vimtos and a corona in here = £15.40

Its no wonder we are so busy. I dont understand Jar Bar. The music is too loud for people to talk and no dance floor so you cant dance. Why? Is it just designed for people who just stare at other people who are allowed in whilst not wearing trainers? They are ridiculously short staffed and their booze selection is poor. Such a waste. Bring back Cordon-Bleu...Macc needs more frozen food shops.

Yes, as you can tell Im still drunk. Went to Colins 50th at the brewery last night. I talked proper bollocks. Im going to the Robin Hood in Rainow for my dinner. My leaving party is 2 weeks today so start getting your fancy dress costumes ready.

WHEN PICTURES FINALLY ARE POSTED

Erm...bit dark I know.
There you go boys...hope you are happy now.

Greg, wtf is with the face?

WHEN PIMM'S IS NOT SHARED

Erm...re: the Pipe Of Pimm's.

Not so sure if its a good idea.

In my defence it was invented with the intention of it being shared by a few people and not to be drank by just two.

Yes, I sold my first Pimm's Pipe last night to Messers Crowther and Kvederas. They had already been working through the extensive gin menu so were a little worse for wear anyway. Then the Pimm's Pipe came out and I brought down my Shisha thing for them, I thought the strawberry tobacco would be a fine accompaniment for the Pimm's. Plus it smells nice. I can only imagine the rest of the evening was a blur for them. As they went to leave Bob thought that this navy jumper on the seats was Dave's but Dave was too smashed to put it on so Bob borrowed a knife and cut it down the front to make it a cardigan (much easier to put on). It didn't make it out of the door.He still couoldn't put it on. This morning I find that the jumper actually belonged to former Kings teacher and award winning novelist G.P.Wilson so Bob went to buy a replacement. It is not the same. And as for the other Pimm's drinker? He ended up getting barred from the Rock. I realise this is all boring drunken stuff....I'm just warning you of what can happen when you drink a pipe of pimm's.

Its hotter than hell in here behind the bar in this weather. Not as hot as the Gemini sun bed at Alternative Tanning for the allowed 20mins whilst wearing accelerator cream - that is 10 times hotter than hell. I haven't been back since. 16 days to go til I leave, I'm so looking forward to it. Normal temperatures can resume.

All I want is a ploughmans sandwich from either Tesco or M&S and they have none. Today is not going well. Maybe I'll try Greggs.

IM A BEAGLE, GET ME OUT OF HERE

Ooops, I forgot about my Jeremy Kyle style title.

Ok, for the beagle to go to Canada he needs a rabies injection and certificate saying he has had a rabies injection. Why when Im taking a dog from a 'rabies free' country to a 'rabies free' country is beyond me.
Anyway, I'm booked in for that on Tuesday morning. No doubt it'll be £70.

The crate for the beagle to fly in costs a ridiculous £105.
Its only £18.99 for a stupid dumb ass cat one.Us dog owners sure have the p*** taken out of us at times.

The airfare for the beagle is ******** well, I dont want to say, lets just say its plenty. So I now have a charity box for me to put my Beagle Fund in. I just sold my accordian for £75 which has made me well happy - its now in my tin. The money I get from being in that magazine will go in and I'm putting my complete 5 set of Veuve Clicquot dummy bottles on. A lady offered me £40 for my Veuve Hunter Wellies, I don't know about that though...I was planning on keeping them. Although they are not my favourite Hunters they are lovely. I'll see how much my Guinnes toucan goes for.

Then there is my collection of signed rugby shirts to sell. Am I best selling them all together or each one seperatley? I cant figure it out.

I piggin hate ebay.

WHEN PEOPLE ARE CHEESEY

Yep we're in...me and Nina page 7 of Pick Me Up magazine,
Pure Cheese. Much cheesier than the letter I sent in to Take A Break 10 years ago.

WHEN SHIT REALLY DOES STICK

Jeremy did the most impressive one today...better than the time he did one off the bridge into the canal.

It was a brilliantly hot afternoon, I had just done my banking and paid my last ever monthly council tax bill installment and headed right out of the town hall towards Hibel Road lights with the beagle.

For those of you familiar with the geography of Macclesfield you may be aware of the post box outside Pizza Express. Well, with a crowd gathered across the road (actually I think it was just Simon from Margin Music skiving with some mates) Jeremy backed on to the post box and with one of his back feet off the ground (his ass was that high) curled one off. Only he was working it like Jane Asher squeezing an icing bag because when he finished he stepped away from the cast iron red victorian post box to reveal that all of his dooings were stuck to the side, there was none on the floor - not only that but it was knee high to me. That is some fine acrobatic crapping make no mistake.

Again, if only I had my camera.

WHEN PIMM'S GETS PIMPED

Pimp My Pimm's.

Its official.

I have just done the chalk board for it now.

I am now selling Pipes of Pimm's (whilst singing MaCartneys "Pipes of Peace") for a monster £32. Considering you get a whole bottle of Pimm's in a massive tube with tap and enought lemonade and garnish that it will feed 15 people (for feed I mean aid thirst...like thirst aid!).

Umm, Pimm's. Summer rocks. I shall try and do photos....

On a totally unrelated subject....RIP Stingray. When the fcuk did that happen? I didnt see that one coming.

WHEN KIPLING POINTS OUT I BROUGHT IT ON MYSELF

THERE is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and Sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie—
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet’s unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find—it’s your own affair—
But . . . you’ve given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!).
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone—wherever it goes—for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We’ve sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we’ve kept ’em, the more do we grieve.
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-time loan is as bad as a long—
So why in—Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

On a lighter note, at least Benson isnt dying or dead.

WHEN PEOPLE STILL CRY OVER THEIR DOGS

You would think I would have stopped this by now.

I just spoke to my vet, she agrees with me that it wouldn't be fair to subject Benson to a 15 hour plane and car journey. Even though I know this and I have made up my mind it still upsets me so much. Hes the best dog ever.

Im going to miss him so much.

WHEN VILLAGE FETES DISAPPOINT

Langley Fete is on August 27th this year.

This does not fit in with my plans.

Gutted.

WHEN WINE TASTES LIKE HONEY

Yesterday I thought I had seen the future.
Today though now I am not so sure.

I am a little behind the times here as I had never tried what is apparentley the oldest drink in our history until yesterday. Needless to say I was an instant fan. I got a little carried away.

Mead. Have you ever had it? I had of course heard of it but didnt know what it was. For those of you who dont know it is wine that tastes of honey. I know, honey wine...could life get any better?

I was sat with Chris Hall who seems to know all things mead. He informed me that it was Mary Queen of Scots favourite drink (served warm with a sprig of Rosemary). Now that was nice. Maybe it explaines why I ended up dancing with a Scottish man in Chicago Rock.

Yes, Chicago Rock, cant believe I ended up there again. For a reason totally unknown to me whenever I go in the Rock I take off my shoes and leave them lying all over the place. Last night it was the turn on my cowboy boots. Im such a loser.

Talking of cowboys, as its my last day here on 24th I suppose I should have a party. What with my love of fancy dress it would be a shame not to. So its Canadian themed....Cowboys, Indians, Lumberjacks, Beavers, Moose...what else is there? Im going to be an indian. Im hoping that it is the same day as Langley Fete (my favouritest day of the year) I think its the last Sunday in June, I will check tomorrow. If it is then I think we should all go there in fancy dress and the end up back here when they run out of beer. This time I will not win any goldfish nor will I stalk John Squires and follow him from stall to stall.

Today has seen me mostly throwing up from drinking a bottle of Mead, making the error of wearing flip flops with a maxi dress (the dress kept getting trapped twixt sole of foot and sole of flip flop) which did not look that graceful as I walked out of Subway. I went up to see Claires new house which is near to my Mom and Dads where I will be moving to on 25th until the new people move in and we leave. Looks like I will be back drinking in the Flower Pot.

I love it when things go full circle.