ERGH

I hate having my picture taken.
I had to go and get mine done today for my passport and Canadian citizenship card. Even though I gave the photographer the instructions (you cant just have a photo done at a photo booth, its much more anal than that) I have to go back tomorrow and have more taken cos he got it wrong. This is not good.

I have 2 days left to re join the gym, well, one day really and thats tomorrow so I will make myself go down there and do it. I did commit to it on Saturday after all as I did buy meself a new pair of trainers and jogging pants.

Lindasy keeps looking at the temperature in Cabri. He and my Dad are going in 2 weeks for a break and to check things out for themselves. Its -20. Why do I want to live there again?

Im going to nail loads of red bull tonight whilst working and then do the cleaning after we close. This then clears me to walk the dogs in the morning, join the gym, get the extra photos done. Think I will go to slimming world too. I realise this is all extra boring...Im just trying to get it set in my head. I am an incredibly lazy person after all.

WELL THAT WAS A TOTAL PAIN IN THE ARSE

Is it only me who has a computer that is shit?
It stopped working (internet wise) the other day and my brother has only just got it working now. Dodgy cable? How on earth?

Well, its Sunday and I 've just fed my football team with very unexciting chicken and new potatoes but they seem happy enough.

I well feel like getting smashed but Im not going to. I have decided.
I have some building contractor coming in the morning and I will try and explain what he needs to knock down and rebuild to accomodate smokers post 1st July.

I have been doing some calculating and I think I gave up smoking nearly five years ago. March 3rd 2002 I think it was, it was definatley a Sunday night. I was going out with Scott and cos he didn't smoke I didn't smoke as much as normal (we had just started going out and I was all trying to look good). One Sunday night whilst watching a film I was craving one so much that I had to have one. I couldn't find any so I fished a docker out of the ashtray.
You know when you imagine what you look like to other people? Well I imagined what I looked like and I didn't like it. Fortunatley I got the flu the next day so I could't smoke if I wanted to. Then Scotts mum had a heart attack (she smokes like a right chimney) and seeing her in hospital finally sorted it. Ever since then I never even fancied one....well, I did once when I was nervous but I resisted. So I suppose Scott kind of did do something for me in all the years I went out with him after all.

I started off on Marlboro Reds at 17 at the "animal house" at school (where the smokers went) when I was going out with Whitehead. Then went to Lucky Strikes (y'know, to be different). I then had a brief flirtation with Consulates whilst drinking in the Nags. That didnt last long. Embassy No 1 claimed me from 19 till I went folowing New Model Army, thats when I started on rollies. Probably did rollies for a year, back to No 1's again (I remember the day I dropped out of Uni, I stormed out of a meeting about my dissertation sat under a tree next to the Pavillion. Smoked one and a half boxes of Embassy by myself in tears until I stopped crying and I had decided I was not going to do my 3rd year by the end of the last box, so I must have been back on them then). Cant remember when I made the change to Marlboro Lights but it was before I came back to Macc. Then I stook to them like every other girl in Macclesfield. Oh, I missed out a brief Lambert and Butler silver stage when I lived in Hove and had no money. But it felt like I was waking up with a pile of bricks on my chest every morning. Think then I went to Silk Cut.I didnt like them and ended up ripping the filters off.

Ha ha, you think you know but you dont know, this is the MTV (smoking)diary of...
Hang on, let me just go and wake myself up. I appear to have even sent myself to sleep.

WOO-HOO

Its on ITV4 now.

Right now.

I love the The Jerk.

Damn those glasses.

ALL BETTER NOW

Infact I was better by Tuesday, I have just been lazy.
Went to The Harrington at Bosley last night with the pool team. Now it looks like they are going to win the league I thought I'd show an interest. I even had a (my new favourite drink) Blackwoods 60 gin with elderflower cordial on the rocks....and my, how it rocks. Apart from that I still dont feel like drinking that much.

Thats about as exciting as it gets. I bathed the dogs today so now they are all soft and cute again....but I'm just about to walk them so it wont last long.

Boring, boring, boring.

Oh, I have decided to buy a Nintendo Wii for the pub so we can have competitions on the big screen on Sunday nights. I've seen them on telly, they look like a laugh.

THERE IS A BUG GOING AROUND

I have never really believed that when people say it but there really is. I was super fine before and now for no reason I am throwing up and proper ill. Usually this would be accountable to alcohol but I haven't been drinking so thats no it.
Liz was all sick on Saturday night all of a sudden too but fine the next day.

You have been warned.

MY FIRST CHAINSAW

I carved up the picnic bench outside with a chainsaw this morning. It was in the way, looked awful and quite frankly its freezing and we needed the wood. This was my first attempt at chainsawing. It was ok, but I thought it would be more fun. It looks more fun than it is, prehaps I would have enjoyed it more if I wore a novelty hockey mask, only I havent got one. I have a viking hat but didnt wear it cos not even I could make a connection there.
Don't think I will make a career out of it, but I suppose Canada has enough lumberjacks.

After my chainsawing I went to Brian Robinsons funeral. He was a lovely man who I used to serve at the Flower Pot and he sometimes ventured down here in to town for a pint. It was a really nice service, really uplifting.

I left there with all these good intentions about how I was going to live my life to the fullest etc, but ended up eating too much cheese that I fell asleep and now I have just woke up feeling abit rough.

Maybe I'll start living my life to its fullest from tomorrow ey?

Oh, welcome all of you who have been directed here from my myspace page. Please remember these are the opinions of me and not the pub and then all should be fine.

Lego Chainsaw Massacre

UNBELIEVABLE

You know how I said that we have signs up in the gents welcoming folk to throw their change in the urinal for charity (see below somewhere for pictures)....

Well, I have seen it all now.Talk about taking the piss....

This man came up to the bar and asked why all the money was in there, I explained it was for charity.
He said "well I bet its not there in a minute."
"why?" asks I
"cos the man that came in after me told me to let him know when I was finished"
I didn't quite get him so I smiled and carried on serving. Then this dodgy looking man who hadn't been to the bar yet came out from the gents and he said "him there".

Next news these two other blokes came up to me and told me that the dodgy one had fished all the coins out of the urinals and headed towards the door. By the time I got from behind the bar he had done one so I ran down to Mill Street, no sign.
Asked the doorman at The White Lion, he hadnt seen him then I saw what I thought was him heading towards the traffic lights at Park Green. I ran up to him....
(somewhat out of breath)..."excuse me mate, can I have the money back that you just stole from the urinals in that pub before"
(looking back it was a bit daft as he was obviously some smack head and it was dark and quiet down there)

Anyway, to cut a long story I made him dump it in my apron pocket. He tried to tell me 50p of it was his but I reminded him how he had just stolen piss covered money from poor defenseless children so I got everything he had.

So, tonight we raised £9.70, making it a grand total of £51.89 2 euros and 1 US cent so far in 12 days.

Drunk people really will do anything.

APPOLOGIES

Ever since Kay revealed to me that someone got to her blog by searching "katie price wears no knickers" I have looked now and again as to what people have searched to find the beagle.

Imagine my horror when someone was directed here after looking for "*** ************* ipswich" (it is a name but I deleted it after being told by a stranger that it was wrong for me to 'out' alledged (by me via my grasps of detection, self taught with a little help from JP Fletcher and Quincey) serial killers on the net.
(phew, that was a mouth full.)

For record, I would like to say I am sorry to Mr.R** H************* of Ipswich for grasping at straws and telling everyone he is a murderer.

God, Im always getting myself in trouble.

I just walked through town and saw lovely little old Ann Ross skipping backwards and forwards punching her fist in the air singing "knock 3 times" in her loudest voice to the staff behind the counter at Allsports.Bless x

FEELING MUCH BETTER

Well my massive 3 day break is over, I took no pictures cos Im useless (except one of Claire pretending to be R Kelly) but then we did little but lie in the sun all day.

Basically....
Steven Gerrard was in the queue in front of us at the airport,
on the plane we drank 3 bottles of champagne and taked about which cartoon characters we fancied with some man from Biddulph who now lives in Tenerife who pretended to have 3 TVRs. When challenged to meeting us and taking us for a spin he surprisingly said 2 were in England and the one in Tenerife was broken and in the garage. Yeah, sure. We also rated our favourite biscuits.

We then went out and got hideously drunk and sang Kenny Rogers in some bar. Ended up in the hotel and bought 2 gimlets (which neither of us either like) for 42 euro (I only know this cos it was on our bill.)

Ate cheese for breakfast (which is the best thing about holiday buffet breakfasts). Not as good as when I was in Thailand where it seems acceptable to eat dim sum and noodles for breakfast but cheese and chilis was good enough.

Ill as hell all day. Tried to use the pay per veiw tv but accidentally accessed the porn channel so had to try to get them to knock it off the bill.The receptionist didnt understand the word porn so it proved quite tricky.

Lay in the sun for the rest of the time then had a full body hot stone massage, facial and indian head massage before I left for the airport.

Flight was fine, got back about 1.30am.

Ok, thats it in a nut shell so we dont have to go over it again (I hate recounting holiday stories...especially when there are none)

My muts missed me....which was nice.

I have decided to re join the gym next week I'm packing up drinking.

Amen.

A TRIBUTE

R Claire Kelly trapped in the closet.

HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY, MIGHTY CAT IS ON HER WAY.

You would have been so impressed with my heroics today.

I was going to go and finish my gin menu and look up trains to Newmarket on my computer in the office but shamefully decided to watch the end of Neighbours instead. (I was curious as to who all the new people are in it. Je n'aime pas by the way).

The wind blows proper bad down Roe Street causing the pub sign to swing about and squeek badly. Then there was this noise and loads of splintered wood and paint smacked against the window so I ran to look and saw that one of the metal sides of the sign was aboout to fall. I opened the window and grabbed it just as the wind got under it and managed to pull it in through the window saving the two people walking against the wind up Roe Street (not looking up) and the car driving up the road from certain death/maiming. (its a big metal sheet a few foot by a few foot).

Then the other side blew off, there was nothing I could do about that and it smacked down on to the now empty road about 3 houses down. It then blew down to Paul Peters where it smacked into a massive lorry so fortunatley no damage.

Jesus loves Porters x



Now I am left with an empty frame outside the front. Very strange.



I never liked it that much if Im honest anyway. I bet this means I can design the next one if I fancy. I'll ring the brewery...

There is this woman that comes in the pub who always wears a big daft hat. She seems fine until a sip of wine then just looks utterley smashed. Most times she can handle more than a sip, sometimes a few glasses but you never can tell at what point she will just start dropping things and fall into walls.

This is the part of my job I hate cos Im rubbish at it. I am not a diplomat by any stretch of the imagination and I find it quite hard to tell people who seem quite decent that they arent going to be served anymore. If they arre younger than me then I have no problem but when they are older it becomes a problem as no one likes to be told what to do by "some slip of a girl" (as one said to me once.) I dont know about a slip, I like to think I can pass for 25 but at 32 surely I have reached an age worthy of some respect.

Anyway, so I went down and without trying to take the piss (bad habit of mine) told the lady that I couldn't afford the broken glasses which mark her visit and I was putting her on a 2 small glasses of wine only limit. She was fine (too busy trying to keep her head up) but her hairy scruffy boyfriend who seems like her carer got abit of 'tude with me.

What was the point now, I forget. Oh yes...Things like this make my job shit but *sticks 2 fingers up* balls to the lot of them, cos Im frigging off here tomorrow...

THE QUEEN MUM AND DR DRE WOULD BE SO PROUD

Check out, if you will my big bad gin ass.

Currently we have the following in our gin department behind the bar...

Gordons
Bombay Sapphire
Plymouth
Tanqueray
Tanqueray Ten
Hendricks
Gordons Sloe
Juniper Organic
Martin Millers

and I have just ordered for delivery Thursday...

Gabriel Boudier Saffron
Zuidam Genever
Blackwoods 60
Brokers
Citadelle
Xoriguer
Junipero
Strawberry Bank Damson
Whitley Neill
Cork
Martin Millers - Westbourne Strength

So that will be 20 gins on sale at my fantasticly cool back street pub.

Uber Cool.

I have a horseraddish vodka coming, you know...for the bestest bloody mary ever!

PISSING YOUR MONEY UP THE WALL

Check it out. I was still abit drunk/creative on Monday morning and decided to fill the urinals in the gents with money.

At first I put 50p in 1ps in each, just so people had something to talk about (and to see if any would be stolen). But as the piles got bigger I thought I best do it for a reason. So Nina can have the money towards her Wellchild campaign.




So I made some signs


The one on the right even has a quid in it. Bet thats not there for long...


They do go amazingly shiney, which is nice.

Needless to say, we aren't accepting copper behind the bar anymore!

THINK I NEED TO START PUTTING MY PLANS INTO ACTION

I have just been trawling through the Canadian Embassy website.My Canadian passport expired in 1995 and I got a UK one after that (Canadian ones only last 5 years as opposed to the UK 10 year and you have to get your photo taken to all these weird speficications by a photographer which costs more than the £2.70 a photo booth does).The UK seemed to make more sense.

I was planning on getting a Canadian one though before I move out there but its such a ball-ache. I wonder if I need one? Surely just a citizenship certificate will do. Umm, maybe I should start looking into this properley as I'm planning on living there in 5 months. God I wish I was organised.

Then again *lightbulb above head* maybe I will just get my Mom to sort it out. Yes, excellent idea. Mother, if you are reading this then I think we need to start getting to work.


In other news, cans of Diet Kick are now 25p each in Tescos. I've had 5. Ha, looks like I'll be doing the cleaning tonight then! I know it makes a mockery of the detox thing (plastic strawberry flavour) I'm doing from Boots, but I ended up drinking yesterday so its f*cked already. The MD from Caledonian Brewery came in to see me yesterday and it would have be rude of me not to drink all the beer they were buying. Seems we are the biggest Punch retailer of Deuchars IPA, and as Punch own just about all the pubs in the world I think that means we must be their greatest customer. He promised me a signed Scotland rugby shirt, think I should have aimed higher. But if anyone fancied a tour of the brewery with me in Edinburgh apparently we will be treated like Queens/Kings. La-de-da.

FAME ON THE TRAIN

Well nearly.

When I lived in Brighton there was always someone from The Bill on the train from Hove to Brighton or Brighton to London. WEll, maybe not always but near enough.

Today I went to Primark in my wellies in the pouring rain (which later stopped making me look a right farmer) and spotted



the annoyingly over sensitive DCI Brandon Kane from The Bill.

Took me all the way to Prestbury before I remembered where I knew him from, at first I thought it was from the Flowerpot (where I used to work) the I thought it was BBC1's Doctors, then I remembered.

There you go, that was as good as today got really.

I went to Top Shop but I can no longer be bothered to shop in top shop, its too much like hard work, the lay out is rubbish, its all over the place. As Im out of here soon anyway I didn't see the point on spending anything over £8 for any one garment as I will be travelling light. I only wanted some tops for my spa break next week anyway so Primark did me fine, albeit there is still quite a bit of tat in there.

I've been wearing my glasses instead of my contact lenses for nearly a week now and my headache is getting better and the eyes are not so red. (see, told you it was boring) Right, Im going to bed now as I have even bored myself to sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

MY NEW NEW YEARS RESOLUTION

I have just realised after reading some of this that I do infact swear like a docker. Its not very attractive or lady like so, Im going to stop.

BASICALLY...AT THE END OF THE DAY

Love it, hate it...yes is The Jeremy Kyle Show again. Today is a record breaker. The daft brummie couple on todays show have said "basically" and "at the end of the day" an astounding 23 times....and Im still counting.

Hangover status, In at def con one, or def con w.o.p as I like to call it (w.o.p = world of pain.)

My hangover postcode SK11 W0P.

The mouth feels warm, Im eating frozen peas and lying on the settee covered in dog.

I'll do Primark tomorrow.

OWWW

The head, it hurts me so.
After a lovley meal at PVR for my Dads 60th I ended up back at Claires where I think we played Buzz and some karoke game on the playstation.

I remember (now) ringing the pub and telling Cress (real name chris but hes scottish so it sounds like cress) to leave the keys in the back yard cos I didnt have a set on me and I couldnt get home in time.

Then, time and booze passes.

The taxi dropped me off (about 4 and I remember comlaining cos it cost £6 and its only down the road, and I got dropped off at the back. Now usually my brother stays over so I must have thought he was here cos I remember banging on the back door and saying "wake up you f***ing c***" a lot. Then after reasoning that he was obviously asleep I took the ladder off the roof and climbed up through the upstairs window, just like the Beatles.Stood in dog poo in just my socks but got inside all the same.

Miraculously woke up all by myself for 7.30 (my alarm is on my phone, along with my boots at Claires house) which was lucky for the stocktaker who was here at 8am. Looked out of the window to find I had left the ladders and my bag which was wide open. Thankfully it didnt rain.

Well I have eaten 4 oranges and some smash so I should soon feel better, its just my head that hurts. Im pencilled in for going to Primark today with Claire but I dont know if that will happen cos I cant ring her to check. (the ohone and all that)

OWWWW, well, Im putting off the inevitable so I may as well go and start cleaning downstairs, but the head. It hurts me so.

erm....

si i hace just got back from blaifes
hang on i will fionish ythis in the motrmi ng. im toogrunk v'est le moment and i have lost benson.
quite worried,,,,,,cat

FROM THE NOISE COMING FROM STEVE GUEST DOWNSTAIRS

I guess Chelsea have just scored again

FROM THE NOISE COMING FROM DOWNSTAIRS...

I think Macc have just equalised against Chelsea

ITS THE ONLY WAY WE WILL EVER KNOW THE TRUTH

Now R Kelly is a friend of mine on my myspace page I have taken the opportunity to ask the man himself if he really does see nothing wrong with Park n' Ride.

www.myspace.com/rkelly

I HAVE NO FRIENDS

I have just made a myspace page for the pub and I have no friends, only that Tom guy and hes mates with everybody.

I dont know how I get friends? Can anyone help me?

Its www.myspace.com/portersprinceofwales

HOW LAZY AM I?

I cant even be bothered to turn the pictures the right way around!

I have just been watching Jeremy Kyle. I hate him and everyone on his show should be given a leathal injection and never be allowed to spawn....bizarrly though I would do him. I dont get me.

I had to get a taxi earlier to drop off the PA at Margin Music, the lady on the radio was shouting for Yankiee 1. Now I know which one is Yankiee 1 (yes you've guessed it) and the driver laughed and said hes probably asleep. Apparently he drives somewhere and has a sleep, once he slept for 3 hours, the lady was calling him and it didn't raise him! I'm not going to mention this to him cos hes not having the best of weeks, but it makes sense now. I always ask him if hes had a busy day and he says no. I have never understood this cos you can never get a taxi in Macc....now I know why. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

BEAGLE MOST HAUNTED

BEST BIRTHDAY EVER

You know it was, it really was.

I did a bit of organising in the day then treated myself to a sunbed and then a haircut and colour, well Claire treated me to that as it was my birthday. All my extentions are out and its really quite long now. It feels good to have my scalp back to normal.

I didnt start drinking until 7pm which was good. I was mostly drinking Fruli and vodka (a Yarnold) and Deuchars IPA s o I feel okay today.

Loads of top presents...I was proper spoilt. I'm being taken to see the mighty S-N-dubble-O-P D-O-dubble-G and the amazing Amy Winehouse by Kay and Yarnlod. Yeah. I got flowers, money chocolate smellies and Claire even got me a Gucci bag for the mini holiday.

Frank started at 8pm and was even better than last time, hes so funny....think I have some pictures....

Frank came back and performed for my birthday, I got a card and everything!


I took one of those sad self took myspace type picture of me kissing Frank Sidebottom, only I kind of missed me off


Playing the keyboard with Little Frank


I was made to sing with him, which was awful as I really cant sing. Not too sure what he was pointing at here though


Frank even had a go at pulling a pint, you know, like how pubs always get Prince Charles to when he vivits them and they put it on the local news!

DOMI-NO PIZZA

After work last night I fucked off the new year diet straight away and gave in to the ofeer of a pizza from my brother.

So, he rang dominos (Im seriously liking the evil things at the minute)...

SkidFace: "can I order some pizzas please?)
DominoPizzaGuy:"Yes, but we are running out of some of the toppings"
SF:" I'll have a veggie supreme with extra pineapple and jalepinos"
DPG: "Ok, but we have no pineapple, jalepinos, onions, tomato,pepper or mushrooms"
SK: "So you only have sweetcorn?"
DPG: "Yes, is that still ok?"
SK: "no, think I best leave it."

I was so surprised, I thought he would have said yes, mind you, I probably would have still eaten it. I just love dipping that crust!

GLAD THATS OVER WITH

Happy New Year and all that.

Well, its my birthday tomorrow.If you are reading this in Macclesfield and surrounding area then come on down to Porters tomorrow night from 7pm cos he's back. Yes Frank is back.

Due to the balls up of me making the tickets only last week we still have some tickets left so I;m sure you can pay on the door, they are £8 again and there will be chilli and sandwiches. I made Tim a promise of a rice ring....don't know if that 70's buffet wonder will materialise or not yet, we'll see how I am for time.

I have finally removed all my hair extentions, I know I had them taken out and put in again a few times but I did a whol year of them, thats quite good going. Only now it looks a mess, I even have a matted dredlock which I shall work on removing tonight before I have it cut by Claire tomorrow. I would be worried only as I had them before I know they can be brushed out. My dirty dreds were in for 2 years and I managed to come out of that with shoulder length hair so this little baby one will be no problem.

In beagle news.... We had a drayman today who I had not seen for a while, they were waiting outside when I got back from walking said hounds. I remembered he said he was getting a beagle, I asked him how she was and he said that he gave it away cos it was impossible to train and chewed everything. I well understand and so many people I know who had beagles gave them away, mine is a terror. I must have a high annoyance threshold. Either that or Im more stupid than the beagle