SHIT...ITS ME AIN'T IT?

It was plenty of years ago that I was a young inspired artist at university (before I got involved with Mr Tennents and Mrs Strongbow Super and dropped out).

Now I am working 'for the man' and chasing the bastard pound like everyone else.... like I promised myself I would not. Seems the only bit of me that is the same as the old me is the bit that walks around in paint covered dungarees. I caught a glance of myself when I was going to the bank this morning. Too-rye-fuckin-ay, I look like bastard Kevin Rowland, or at least one of his bloody midnight runners.

This is not good.

I am also rumoured to own a garage and mend cars. (I quite like this rumour, albeit it is not true). Think I need to ditch them. Yes, definatley.

Well, its my last shift tonight. I have packed and weighed my suitcase and its well light considering I could probably dress most of the 200 relations that will be at the family reunion I am going to.

I ordered a new itrip for my pod as my old one does not fit. It SHOULD have been here by now but of course it's not. Its bound to arrive on Monday which is too late. I have tried to find someone with one that I could borrow (and they could have my new one come Monday) but I have had no joy. Tits. Need a new plan.

So, off to London tomorrow to meet Paul. Sugar T and the Swirls are on at the Kings Head so we're gonna go there then its an early 5.30am atart to go to Gatwick. 9 Hours to Calgary, 4 hours drive to Cabri...think I best not go too mad with the Tom Booze tomorrow or I'll be grim. Think I'll stick to Magners. Me and Winona Cider get on well.

Well, thats me...back on the 8th,
cheesey grater x

ERM...

I totally forgot what I was going to say.

Oh, I think my nextdoor neighbour has died. I spoke to his mum on Tuesday and she said he was in hospital with multiple organ failure. This morning she was at the recycling bins at 7am (not normal) and today I saw her walk past with some brochure with flowers on the front.

HARD DAY AT THE OFFICE

Do you think Noel Edmonds goes home to his wife everynight and goes...
"Oh love, you wouldnt believe the game that went on today. He took out all the reds straight away...and can you guess what the banker offered him?
Can you?
Guess..
Go on, guess...
No, guess...
£1.
Can you believe it?
Oh, it was the longest run of reds we've ever had. Amazing it was, truely amazing...

And Mrs Edmunds would be all "Yes love, I know, I watched it, very interesting

Then Noel grabs his coat and heads off down the pub to chat about it with his mates in the 1p club

PERSONAL BEST

Went to Primark with my Mom and I rang up my biggest spend ever...£204
I am both proud and ashamed.
Whats more, I only commited 2 of the cardinal Primark mistakes upon checking my spoils at home.......A black top which was a 8 on a 12 hanger (d'oh) and a nighty which would mean me lobbing off one of my tits and splitting the remainding one in half. (nice). Seems I am not medium.
I bought some lovely dresses. Im gonna look like a 50s film star on holiday make no mistake.
It was a bit like a cartoon in Manchester yesterday. They were giving out the evening news free with the headine HOTTEST DAY EVER and everyone was carrying one under their arm with the headline showing. Ha ha, it reminded me of the Simpsons.

4 more days of work to go. Im sooo excited. Did you know if you get squirted by a skunk then you have to take a bath in tomato juice to get rid of the pong? Im afraid this might put me off bloody marys if I get doused.
Have chosen my duty free purchases already...one of those fuck off sized bottles of Galliano. Surely they will have the accompanying Vodka and orange juice in Cabri. FYI, my Mom reckons only about 400 people live in Cabri now, that means that probably more people live on my street than in the whole town where I am going. Its going to be soooo good!

ERGH

I've got a muvva fluffin abscess, inside my mouth between my tongue and back tooth. Last night it was MASSIVE, then I had my regular veggie kebab(yes I know!) with chilli and chips with sweet corn and I it burst. Chilli sauce tastes so bad with a burst abscess, come to think of it everything tastes bad.

Its like I've been licking batteries.

I was going to attempt to get in to the dentist this morning but as it doesnt look anywhere near as impressive as it did last night I left it. I like to think it will just cure itself. If its still bad by Monday then I'll go, promise.
I dont need this bad boy on holiday...talking of which its a week tomorrow I start the journey.

So excited.

Im told they are having Tshirts made!!!

LIKE LOSING AN ARM

On Tuesday night I wrote an absolutley hilarious entry, only blogger was down for whatever reason so I saved it. Since then my computer has been utter shit and I lost the post.

I wont even bother trying to rewrite it, basically it was about me being delivered a gypsie curse off soap dodger roger on Tuesday night whilst innocently ironing the bedsheets that the beagle had pissed on a day earlier.

Better news however is they swapped my ipod for a black 60gb video one, all brand new. So Im off to walk the hounds with it on now, think I'll start with a bit of "dirt off your shoulder"- you know cos I is bad ass.

ITS A CONSTANT BATTLE

This is what my life is like. One fucking act of destruction after another.

I clean the flat, turn around and the beagle will have either....
1. chewed something.
2.pissed on something.
3. tore up something.
4. unearthed it and got it all over the floor.

ARgh... Now I have never had children but surely this must be like having a toddler with a crayon in its hand and writing all ovwer the walls...ONLY EVERY BLOODY DAY.

He does not learn.

Now, I realise (or so I was told) that there is no such thing as a bad dog, just bad dog owners. But I really dont think you can lay this on me anymore. He pissed all over the bedsheets I had taken out of the drier and left momentarily on the floor last night. I just cried. Cried, cried, cried and cried
Today I washed, washed, washed and washed. Hired a carpet cleaner and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned and cleaned. Im at my wits end.

To cheer myself up I bought myself a new bottle of Lolita Lempicka (100ML!). (Dont anyone get any ideas, its my perfume. No one else is allowed to wear it. I claimed it years ago). I did smell someone else wearing it once but that was in London so I congratulated her on excellent taste and let her off!

Anyway, where was I. Oh yes, Jeremy the shithouse....

Did I show you his handywork??

They were the genuine article.
Proper Johnnie Boy Preston styleee.

Gone.
Ruined.
Bastardo.

So, when Im in Canada Im gonna treat myself to a brand new pair.
Hell, I might even get spurs. Like to see the little "C U Next Tuesday" eat them!!!

NO, I AM NOT TRIPPING MY TITS OFF

Have you ever walked into yourself? I did before when I was walking the hounds. It was freaky.
It was me and John Whitehead that I walked into, under the Silk Road flyover at the bottom of the steps where Katy and Tyler live. We were 18. (well I was 18,John was 16).

He had a New Model Army Tshirt, blonde hair and a goatee (he was an old looking 16 year old).
I was shorter than I was then, had glasses on (this bit was different) but I had my black and purple hair, short skirt and doc martins.

I remember walking down there looking like that 13 years ago. It was like deja vu but from someone elses eyes.

Guess this is me getting old and life going full circle. To think I thought I was so bloody cool and alternative (man). Little did I know everyone dresses the same somewhere along the line.

No, I have not been at the mushrooms I found when I stayed at Wildboarclough. Nor have I been on the special brew. Bollocks I cant explain it, well it makes sense to me anyway.

BLAH BLAH BLAH...

God damn it, my ipod has broke again.

I have found the receipt and I have 7 days until its 1 year is up. Fingers crossed I can swap it for a 6oGB video one (this time last year I swapped my 40 for a 60 when it broke.) Is it just me or do they always conk out at the 12 month mark? This is my 3rd to do so.

Talking of things breaking, or me breaking things I think I have knackered my teeth a little.

Its my own fault.

Last year I was bored in Boots with too much money so I bought a tooth whitening kit. I didnt need it, my teeth were white. I dont drink tea or coffee, gave up the tabs 4 years ago and red wine makes me unstable in a bad way so I steer clear of it. Regardless of this I tried it, noticed no difference so threw it out. Today though I noticed my teeth have gone off white. This can only be down to using the kit I didnt need. Hence today I have had to buy a whitening stick thing.

Do you know what else is like that? Echinacea. I have some on the shelf in the kitchen. Sometimes I come over all 'trying to be healthy'. So, I take a little thinking how it will make me all super powerful against any cold viruses knocking about. Guarenteed I get a stinking cold 2 days after. Vitamins are exactly the same,I know I need vitamin B12,but if I start taking them then I get all ill.

I know all this but do it year after year believing that it was just a coincidence last time. But I have a ridiculous need to buy things that I think are going to make me better. I think the only way I will actually feel better is if I kick my pathetically embarrassing Tesco diet Kick habit. I honestly cant stay awake through the day with out it. I'll have to take some caffine strips on holiday with me then do turkey on the Kick when I gt back. Im telling you, its in me bones!

STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON....

Seems 38 guns have been stolen out of the back of a van on London Road in Macclesfield. The fact that these are low velocity rifles used for pest control does little to put me at ease.

TJ'S

You could not live closer to TJ HUGHES than I do.
This is a fact. Its right across the road.
Regardless of this I dont really go in, I get a little put off by all the old folk sitting outside it on the garden furniture.

Im trying not to have my little afternoon sleep so I went over to have a poke around.

I fucking love T J HUGHES. I had forgotten how good it can be. I bought a whole load of BeneFit bathina stuff, Max Factor Lipfinitys - only £2, and a whole load of other decent make up for like £1 each. Knickers nicer and cheaper than the staple ones from primark and a lovely pair of silver pumps. Think I might rip up my Boots advantage card!

OBSCENE AND PORNOGRAPHIC ART??

Tha lady at the Post Office gave me some leaflets as I was making a hash of guessing how much the postage would be on the ebay items I was selling.

I had a giggle at the 2nd down from the top in the middle.....But surely isnt this the same as 5th down from the top in the middle only being described by Margo from the Good Life?

THERE IS NO POINT

After I finished work last night I was flicking through the channels and Reservoir Dogs was on.
I've only seen it once (in the Duke of York in Brighton when you were allowed to smoke in there).
Now, I aint no big film person but it was definatley different.
Im guessing they had cut all ther violence out which means that it really didnt make much sense. Either that or I fell asleep and missed the whole ear cutting off bit.

Whilst moaning about telly, why was Cash Cab not on today? I love Cash Cab.

I decided yesterday that for the next 3 weeks until my holiday I was going to refrain from cake, chocolates and sweets. However my brother is a feeder and has left mint cornettos in the freezer. Ive had one already, there is one left. I reckon I'll neck it then all temptation is gone for the future 20 days.

Oh my god, how boring am I? This really is the only thing I have to say!

I wont mention my feelings on the football result from the weekend incase I get lynched.
I worked Thursday,Friday, Saturday and Sunday night...I didnt do anything exciting at all. My life is grim.....Roll on the Holiday.....3 weeks today.