MY FIRST ENTRY ON THE SETTEE

Oo-er missus.

Well, after much persistence from the mighty John Lewis I am now in a Wi-Fi zone. This means I can blog off my ibook whilst sitting on the settee watching neighbours.

Living dream? Indeed I am....only the ultra gay Benson keeps resting his head on the keypad. Benson you are not helping.

So, the weekend......
Im trying to convince Paul to drive up here.I was going to try to make it down there but with there being only one train from Macclesfield to London on Sunday I dont think so.
I think I may have suceeded anyway...fingers crossed.Hes ringing me later.

(is that Shonen Knife in the backgroung of the BBC springwatch tv thing?....I loved Shonen knife. U-U-U-Ultra excentric, super cult pop punk band, Shonen Knife. I used to be all sad and groupie like and write to the bassist. She sent me pictures she took of them when they toured with Nirvana before they were big. I think I left them in Brighton. Shame, there were some good ones of Kurt. Could have ebayed them bad boys.)

BANK HOLIDAY SUNDAY TRAINS

SHITE.

say no more.

THE MORNING WAS GOING WELL UNTIL THE POSTMAN CAME

I am nearing my wits end.

Mr Nat West, how do you sleep at night? In a big fuck off bed stuffed full of all my hard earned cash whilst getting a hand job from Mr Citizens advice Bureau no doubt.

May you rot in hell.

HEROIN CHIC

I now have a puncture wound from giving blood yesterday.
I dont "dig" it at all. 

I'M PUNK AS FLUFF

After years of me living with my parents and subjecting them to all the shite I used to listen to, why is it now that at 31 when my Dad comes around to my house and catches me in the office listening to the Dead Kennedys "Too drunk to fuck" I feel like I have to turn it off?

He had to listen to it at full blast all throughout my teenage years so god only knows why Im acting all vanilla on him now.

IMMORTALISED ON THE BACK OF THE PUB TOILET DOOR

No, I havent been....but would you like to be?

I've just been cleaning the toilets when it came to me....I'll sick 30 of Ikeas finest cheapest picture frames on the back of each toilet door (landscape fashion) and anyone who fancies can put what ever they like in one.

So, if you have something you would like to share with the toilet using half of Macc thats no more than 13cm x 8cm, be it a photo, poem, picture or anything, be as creative as you like and show it in what must be the bestest pub in Macclesfield. You can email it to me @ portersprince@aol.com, put your name to it or be annonymous - it doesnt matter. It'll look well cool.

ANOTHER FRUITFUL NIGHT BEHIND THE BAR

During one of the quieter periods of the night I tried to persuade Dave Hall that "Lola" by The Kinks is actually a song about a man who loves his truck which is a "low loader, low-low-low-low loader".

After 20 pints of Guinness he really will believe anything.

Dave Hall on the phone to Paul Gambaccini at Guinness book of hit singles

a low loader yesterday

In other news....

Caught whistle player Darren minesweeping. Told him if I caught him again I would bar him. He then handed over his stash of "recovered pints". I felt slighty evil and bad - 'cos come on we've all done it, (as Phil Carr's mate said when talking to his mates about shoving his wifes vibrator up his arse).

"he has some whiskey dreggs, he has some vodka dreggs,

he has some lager dreggs, he has some cider dreggs...."

Other than that it was pretty standard.

FANFARE PLEASE.....

CONGRATULATIONS to Bob and Cath and hello to baby Nathan Kvederas. (Still think they should have gone with my choice of name - Kevin Kvederas).

After 6 hours of labour (that the nursing staff said she was not experiencing) Cath gave birth at 00:14 this morning without the aid of pain relief to a beautiful boy of 8.09. All are well and I dare say tonight really will be a "champagne friday"

BID,BID,BID...

I have put a Veuve Clicquot decanter on ebay and its not moving. Some man in the pub offered me £40 for it a few weeks ago. I think I can get £80, only its stuck at £5.
Im sure it will get a late surge in bids as its being watched by a few people.

But I must admit I'm beginning to panic. £5???....Im ready for the question now Noel.....NO DEAL. 4 days to go.

MY PLEDGE

I have decided......

I am not getting involved with Big Brother this year.

Im not going to watch any of it.

Im gonna get E4 taken off my sky box.

My life is just passing me by.


I am aware this makes me very uncool, but then Im not cool, so it makes no odds.

R.I.P

I think the rubber duck has had it. 

VILLAGE BEAGLE

Since Jeremy has taken to sporting a rather jaunty bandana round his neck Benson has become increasingly gay.














The beagle does have a certain David Essex look about him. From when he was in that shite programme when he lived on a canal barge...not when he was all "Silver Dream Machine."

David Essex was one of them everyone fancied (well, everyones Mums did).I didnt get it.

I get the whole fancing David Essex thing now.

I also get the fancying Burt Reynolds thing (a la Cannonball and Smokey and the Bandit)

But on the subject of fancying men made of leather I still do not get the
Lovejoy thing and he was the housewives favourite
(not soccer am lovejoy but the antique dealing Lovejoy of the 8o's, the one that looked like a sofa) 

EGG.CUNTS

Last week I thought the people at egg.com were the nicest people in the world. Today I do not.

I hope thay did record my phone call for training purposes cos then they could listen how not to talk to a crying girl desperate for help and understanding.

I feel like getting hammered

ANNIE, YOU'RE A STAR

Thats what The Killers should have been singing anyway.

Thankyou Annie my most organised mate for tonight. Its not looking bleak at all anymore. Although I fear I have O.D'd on cheese.

I spoke to the girl who is having mither with my time ago ex. She just needed someone to talk to about it. All is good.

That man who came around and did the football pub guide sent me a copy of the review. Yarnold must have made an impression as did Stuart although I dont know if he'll be happy being called a "dim bloke".

Cant remember where I was when this was going on. Its rare I am out on a Saturday day.

Just heard from Paul, hes all excited about going to the final tomorrow in Paris. Im hoping we wont be too busy as we have a pool match on aswell tomorrow night. Je n'aim pas le pool match. C'est annoying.

Its MKB birthday today. I have found a Bristol rugby shirt that he can have, that'll make him flash his gums no doubt.

In other news in my dull life....

Thought I'd put more crap on ebay. Its 5p listing day. Cos I am trying to be good I have cancelled all my credit cards. Fooking ebay wont let me pay on switch so thats down the pan. I have found the perfect gift for Pauls birthday you see (a day before Annies) so need to raise the cash.

I also need to rasie money for my canada ticket, Im gonna have to carboot.

I THINK I HAVE AGREED TO SOMETHING I SHOULDNT HAVE

I have just had a phonecall from the licensing officer. I suppose his job is by the by really, but thats how I know him.

Seems an ex boyfriend of mine (from over a few years ago I may add) has been going out with his daughter. They have broke up and hes become proper mental smashing her car up and threatening her.Yes, the police have even been involved.

Now I havent really spoke to him for ages, since I changed my number and advised him to seek proffessional help. Anyway, he (the policeman Dad) has asked me if its ok if his daughter (I have never met, but I know her sister) rings me for a chat. I dont want to get involved but she must be pretty bad to be looking to me for help. I have agreed, although I made it clear Im not happy about talking behind and I dont want him to find out.

I thought something must be up as he has made an appearance or three in the pub over the last 2 weeks. I have acknowledged but basically ignored him.

I dont think its fair that Im being dragged in to it after managing to escape all the shit that came after we broke up, but she must be desperate. I was lucky enough to have great mates around me...as well as being hard as nails (ha ha ha). She might not be as lucky. I should have said no shouldnt I?

Bollocks.

(incase you were wondering hes proper computer illterate so he'll never be reading this!)

MONDAY

You know what?
Im feeling really really really happy and really really really sad, all at the same time.Im not sure which one is winning.
Who was it that said something like "I dont drink because I want to remember when I am having a good time?".
Im a bit like that cos I had a great weekend, I just wish I could remember all of it.

Paul came up on Friday. Unfortnatley his stay was cut a little short and he had to leave earlier than expected on Sunday. I had the bestest time, hes perfect. Well, apart from living hundreds of miles away. Some people dont realise how lucky they are seeing each other all the time. I think thats what makes me sad the most.

In other news....
O2 cut my phone off.Why did they not just try and reclaim the direct debit a few days after like everyone else does? I feel like not re connecting because they are so rude. But I think thats a little too much cutting/nose/face.

Tomorrow is the day anyway......It'll all feel better after Tuesday.

MY LIFE....MORE HITCHCOCK THAN BOB MARLEY

I did not

"Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)"

No, my three little birds on my doorstep were infact two little birds, dead in my window box. Blackbirds I think.

My first thought (as they had obviously not fallen from a nest or tree across the road) was that some drunk had found them and thrown them there. Now, dont think thats weird...its happened with trainers before.
What is weirder is that when I brought my dead bird situation up to the guys at the bar I was nearly convinced to ring environmental health as apparentley you should report any suss bird deaths incase its the flu or saars or something. Now , I knew it wasnt bird flu but I just saw visions of me chatting to Gordon Burns off News Northwest and snaps of me appearing in the Sun (instead of that poxy 'sun spot' box I was in before). I thought this was my next 15 minutes of fame.I was going to make the call.

Thankfully I asked Keith Ball (bird man of macc) to take a shifty. Told me I was daft, many young birds dont make their first flight, blah blah blah. So I double bagged their corpses and tossed them in the Biffa.

Shame, when I first saw them I was on the phone to Paul (who's arrival is imminent). I came over all Mary Poppins with my "spoon full of sugar". Well, til I realised they were dead. 

THE BEAGLE JUST WOLFED DOWN 6 INCHES

Of my subway that is.
The little twat.

VIRGIN LOVES ME, VIRGIN LOVES ME NOT.....

Not that I have been thinking about it,but it has recently been brought to my attention that when I text I use lots of ........ I dont add any kisses. Well, I do to the boy but I seem to miss them off of texts to mates.

Im only bringing this up cos Ive just noticed that Richard Branson or Tracy the Train Manager added a kiss after my £118.00 on the train ticket down below.

Piss taking wankers x

I CANT BE THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES THIS SURELY....

Its Tabley point to point on Sunday. I was getting really excited as I thought it would be lovely. I could wear my new red summer dress and hideously large sunglasses I got free with some wank magazine (no, not a porno - I meant a shit magazine...called "Happy" I think).

So, I thought I would just check the weatheron Yahoo. Its gonna piss it down....so I checked it on the BBC site, you know incase Yahoo had got it wrong.

If however it was glorious sunshine forcasted for sunday I doubt I would double check....Oh Cath3rine, ever the optimist. Im still hopeful that they are all wrong as on the AOL weather page it has a big black cloud with rain coming out of it for today.....and as we can all see, that is very wrong.

HERE YE, HERE YE...

After being criticised for keeping secrets last week by the Yarnold, I thought I better let it known that Paul is coming up for the weekend on Friday.Yay.

I still dont like to get too excited as we dont have the best of luck at meeting up....but I cant wait. I think I have got out of most of my shifts so fingers crossed should be a great weekend.

CRAP

Forgot I have that appointment with the CAB and I havent done any of the gay diary of how much I spend a week.
What do normal people spend a week on food and all that?

WHY DIDNT I JUST GET OFF AT STOKE???

Somedays I have all the luck....most days I dont.

On Tuesday, after running around like a nutbag getting everything sorted in the pub, I went to meet Paul.

(Macc to Stevenage return is £64.50.
Some singles are £13.50 at certain prebooked times.)

Now, I had planned it, I looked at the traintimes and prices and as I didnt want to commit to a certain time (Im always running late). So I figured Id treat myself, be flexible and buy the standard saver return. After all, I hadnt seen Paul for ages and didnt want to worry about times and all that.Didnt see the point of preordering it so thought Id buy at the station.

Could point the blame but really its my fault I was running late. Nearly completed the ticket buying at the fast ticket machine (the queues at the counter were immense) only I messed up typing my PIN, accidentally rejected my card as the train pulled in to platform 2. Legged it like a twat to get the train and thoungt I'd buy my ticket there.

Dont ever, EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER buy your ticket on the train. I know you used to be able to, and granted I rarely get trains so it may have been like this for a while now. £118.00 for a bastard single. I was too in shock to say no or even refuse and get off at Stoke. Mug me paid Tracy the heartless train manager her bleeding ridiculous fare (which is nothing more than a tax on the person always running 5 minutes late...ie, me) then sat in tears for about 20 minutes.

Consoled myself with plugging in to my shuffle. Worked out I had picked up my brothers by mistake as I heard Hank Williams Jr belting out "Why dont we get drunk and screw?" from the headphones. I had to laugh, so I cheered up......

Anyway, blah de blah blah blah ended up in Stevenage and met Paul who although thought I was a mug for paying it and I should have refused ( I just dont have that cheeky cockneyness in me) gave me half the money.
Had a few pints and a ruby then had his cheeky cockneyness in me!
Ha ha ha ha, sorry, thats very carry on but I couldn't resist. Things on that front are amazing. Im proper happy I tell thee. I just wish he didnt live so far away. Its rumoured he soon may be working at Stockport at Stepping Hill in the future. Maybe he can keep a look out for Roy Holeinthehead.

IM ON IT...

Sorry Annie and everyone, I am blog it up soon....Im working on it.....

LOST FOR A TITLE......

I was innocently walking over with the Diageo rep to his car to get my fill of beer mats and shit from his boot when my eyes were assaulted by what I found parked next to his car.












More like "manky" if you dont mind me saying so Minxy.
WTF?

I dare say if Jenna Hall ever saw she would be flicking her bean all over the Bagpuss abortion job of the upholstery.