ITS ALL GOING WRONG...

Q. How do you know its Sunday?

A. Someone spilt a pint on your till the night before so now it doesnt work.

Yes, shit I know. Its not just not funny cos its not a joke, its just not funny.
Can I find the man who fixes the till. Sundays suck

IM NO ROY WALKER BUT...

I am laughing at my own jokes.

Okay, I have created the best spoof comedy cover song ever......

Introducing Kanye West-Country singing (in a typically thick wurzzels west country accent) singing.."Gold Diggar" Ooh-argh my lovelies.

Im drinking Deuchars working on the lyrics as we speak....

Will update, just had to log it to claim ownership. It could so go to number one.

If I cant save enough to make it to my 500 strong family reunion in Canada in August then I have just found out that RDF are reforming and playing at a dub festival in Dorset 11-13 August called Endorse-it-in-Dorset.

Sounds a good back up plan.

I knopw they're a bit shit but I fucking love RDF.

TODAY I AM....

Track 18.

Word to the wise....never agree to do an outside bar for a wedding during the changing of the licencing laws. You will just be called a liar.

CRAP

My hair is well manky and I havent time to wash it, only I totally over did the Batiste spray and I have gone grey.

DOWNTIME

Yes, sorry about the downtime....but I have indeed been down. I'm pulling myself together though so I should be up to speed soon.

I havent been to the gym for sometime now, infact it was before my hair was long when I last went. (finally I cancelled my £30 a month direct debit so I am no longer paying for the privilage to not go).

Not going to the gym may explain why my legs are in a world of pain today. I helped my Mom deliver those voting Poll Card things. I got totally confused on the Weston and the beagle I had tied to my waist kept getting in my way.

But, what totally rocked and made the whole experience for me was the card I delivered to a little old lady in a bungalow on Kendal Road....Her name?.....Irene Maiden.

How I want my grandma to be called Irene Maiden. That would be cool.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Claire,
Happy Birthday to you.

Claire Heyes is **today. Yeah......The only picture I can find is old and she will kill me if I post it. It was in Prague....not a weekend of fantastic photos that one was it?

 

TOMORROW

I know in the past I have been anti grand national cos horses died and all that. I wanted to sound educated, caring and cool. But now I acknowledge the good it can do for the community (ie. everyone goes to the pub and gets leathered) so Im pro grand national. I probably really didnt like it cos everyone else does...if Im honest.

Well, Im over my wanting to be different stage of my.... life thank god, it lasted lond enough and I am so excited about tomorrow.

Heres the score.....

40 of us have saved £1 a week for 50 weeks. You dont need to do the maths, I'll tell you...its £2000.

So then we draw a massive sweepstake for the national. Winner gets £1000, 2nd gets £500, 3rd gets £250 and 4th gets £150. Yes, I know that leaves £100. That £100 goes to any none runners. If all 40 run then the £100 goes to whoever falls first (or is split if its more than one.)

Always looking for anyexcuse to dress up I am ofcourse going in fancy dress. I have just made my top now...check out my seemstressship if you will. (oh, its up there, dont know what happened there)

I've borrowed some amazing tall black leather riding boots from Sam and I'm getting the hat off Clairey. Teaming them of course with some white jodphurs. I will be the tallest jockey in town....now I just need to win the cash.

ITS NICE TO BE ICE

Unfortunatley I haven't got myself a massive ice cock for the summer but as I'm anticipating a severve ice shortage (god damn that Magners) I have got myself a new ice machine coming. The Scotsman that I have (which when I purchased it was reliably told is the Rolls Royce of the ice machine world) is good, only it cant keep up with demand. I always new I was going to be a two ice machine establishment!

If I worked for Magners I would definatley sort out a promotion where they did some deal with an ice machine company. Its all well and good saying to serve each bottle with a pint pot half filled with ice but when you go through it at our rate its a nightmare.On Sunday alone we sold 6 cases! Thats alot of ice! I dont know how many cocks worth it is though.

TONY MORTIMER

Have you seen that picture of him in the Sun? Truth be known I kind of fancied him....what does he look like now.? OMG. I have never spoke of my Mortimer moment cos I hated East 17 with a passion, but I'm older now so I think I can come clean.
Strange how I didnt mind admitting to my DCI Meadows and Robert Kilroy Silk crushes though.

ALSO ON SATURDAY NIGHT..

Payman in all seriousness asks me if I had any cheese sandwiches for sale.

PAYMAN NEEDS AN ASBO

After hocking up a greeney in the Purgess's girlfriends drink on Saturday night and remembering nothing about it. Payman comes in to the pub on Sunday sporting a blackeye. Pindsay tells him what he did and how Purgess was fuming (rightly so). Pen doesnt know how he got his shiner so after putting 2 and 2 together and making cheese he proceeds to tell everyone that Purgess gave it to him. If I thought this story would have a happy ending I'd laugh but its getting sad.
Anyway....I gave served him with a two week sentence last night and warned him he is close to losing friends.*

*NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED SO I DONT GET LOADS OF SHIT FOR STIRRING.

WHEN YOU'VE GOT TO GO.....

News just in......

Local leg-end and all round Guinness supp'er extrodinare Dave Hall has pulled a blinder.
Taking a break from Porters he goes to The Flowerpot on Congleton Road to quaff an ale (or 30) on Friday night....
Enjoying the banter in the games room, and maybe over doing the banter with Will by continually calling him a "black bastard", Dave decides to take a trip to the gents.
If you are unfamilliar with the dynamics of The PowerFlop the lay out is thus.....(i wont draw a map, my maps are wank)

The Games Room is joined to the Main Room by a long wide corridor which is where the toilets are situated. The access to the glasswashing area and behind the bar is also there aswell as a walkway to the kitchen.

So, Dave stumbles from the games room and does a right instead of a left (to the gents), flops out his doll and pisses in the sink next to the glasswashing machines.Unfazed by the fact that he is not in the bogs, washes his hands and returns to the bar.

Well, this is how the story has been told to me anyway. I am slightly dubious as Dave is only about 5'6" and from what I remember of my days working at The Powerflop that sink is pretty high.

He is now to scared to go into find out if he is barred

I can sympathise I have a vast catalogue of pissing mishaps...

There is the time I was 1 bottle drunk on cherry wine stuck on the 130 bus into Manchester. The toilet was locked and I was busting. I couldnt get off as I was meeting someone.The Handforth bypass was being built so the bus ride took 3 times longer than it should. Alone at the back of the bus I pulled myself up and pee'd into the bottle that I had, screwed the lid on it then hid it under my seat. Imagine my shame as said bottle the rolled to the front of the bus. Thats not it however. I had broken my seal. I was in agony I would like to point out, so with nowhere else to go I reasoned that the seats were just like giant sponges so would absorb my "number one". I hoiked myself up and half way through it I realised this was not true as it trickeled to the front of the bus. By this time I was a Piccadilly, so I chucked a bottle of Body Shop vanilla oil over it and ran off. The biggest shame however is that this was all at 11am.

Then there was the time on that manky night train to Chang Mai. All I could find were shower cubicles so I did it in there with the intention on rinsing it away with the shower head. I had to pee quick as the lock was broken.....unfortunatley so was the shower head. Well, I couldnt turn it on anyway.

Dave, you are not alone!