I usually like working Friday nights, tonight just wasn't fun, for no real reason.
(Its moaning about shit like this that I wont miss).
This young lad comes to the bar, I ask for ID. He gives me his driving licence. Date of Birth:01-09-89. I laughed and said that means you are only 17, 18 in September. No he said, Im 18, 19 in September. Then I proceed to count it out on my fingers for about 5 minutes. He was quite convincing. No, you are 17 I say, no, Im 18 he says.....this went on for and on and on. I thought I was going mad. He really sounded convincing, my brain had turned to mush. Math is not my stong point.I showed him the door.
Then I find out that there is this lady that comes in here still has some problem with me. I think its because she thinks I had a thing with her boyfriend. As if. She told someone once she was going to "kick my head in".Then, after she found out I knew this she rang me up to appologise and to say that she didnt mean it. I told her not to worry as I didnt take it seriously and she wouldn't be able to kick my head in if she tried (pure bravado, Im not a fighter but I can talk a good one). Apparently now shes telling folk that my leaving here "couldn't happen soon enough". WTF?How rude. Why does she even come in here? I think I might start chatting to her boyfriend more, that ought to f*ck her off!
Well, I think thats my moan over.
Considering the bloody beer delivery never came this morning (we have ran out of Stella,Cava Low C and Rose wine), the bank knobbed up my change order and my chips and salad in pitta bread has just been delivered without chilli sauce I am still quite chipper. That man that I think looks like George Dubba-ya Bush was in. That made me smile.
Im going to Hale tomorrow for the bridesmaid dress fitting. I am quite excited. Its a lovely dress.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
MY BOY IS TWO TOMORROW
Incase I dont get around to mentioning it tomorrow.....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEREMY
aka: Beeper,Beemer,Beast,Jerry-T the beast,Beezle,CherryTree,BuryMe,Beastral,Jezza, Swiper and The Crusher
The day I got him....
And today.... dozens of pairs of ruined shoes,knickers,bras,socks,lipsticks,trousers,vacuum cleaners,coats,jackets,carpets,sofas,mobile phones,duvets,pillows later.....
Its not even worth thinking about all the carnage that little man has caused. Everyone I have met that has ever had a beagle (that they hadnt given away) assures me that come the age of 2 and a half they all of a sudden grasp everything you have tried to teach them. Its been hard and costly. He really has ruined just about everything I own but then Im not that precious about stuff so it easy to forgive.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Remember "Through the keyhole"? Well, its stil on tv in the afternoons now (right before Flog It!. I swear that man, Paul Martin, has no penis).
Anyway, I remember watching it as a kid and it was ok, only obviously they have run out of famous peoples houses to go through the keyhole with so they pick these famous but not famous people.
Like the 'panel' are going to get it.
"Who lives in a house like this?"
"Erm, is it the man who was an extra in the Hovis ad when he was 7 and used to live next door to the milkman that used to deliver to the sister of the drummer from Shakatak?"
"Correct"
Man, bring back the test card or crown green bowling. Or, you know what I'd like to watch again?? The Flumps. That was good afternoon viewing. That and Barnaby the Bear.
Enough of this malarky. Im going to bed to see if I can astrally project myself again. I totally forgot this, but I remembered whilst out dog walking this afternoon. When I was about 22 I well had an out of body experience. I was half asleep and felt my feet leave the bed then my body was floating towards the door. I could feel that my alarm clock was below me. I kept grabbing onto the bed and wouldnt let my head leave the pillow so I crashed back to bed and woke up. I thought if I left myself then I might not come back. When I woke up I told my Mom about it and she said how she sometimes took a pencil to bed to draw a "X" on the ceiling because she also did it and wanted to prove to herself that she did it.
Needless to say I spent the next few days drawing "X's" and "I woz ere"on the ceiling in pencil above my Moms bed for my own entertainment.
Well, I'm going to will myself to do it again. I proper believe in that shit.
Anyway, I remember watching it as a kid and it was ok, only obviously they have run out of famous peoples houses to go through the keyhole with so they pick these famous but not famous people.
Like the 'panel' are going to get it.
"Who lives in a house like this?"
"Erm, is it the man who was an extra in the Hovis ad when he was 7 and used to live next door to the milkman that used to deliver to the sister of the drummer from Shakatak?"
"Correct"
Man, bring back the test card or crown green bowling. Or, you know what I'd like to watch again?? The Flumps. That was good afternoon viewing. That and Barnaby the Bear.
Enough of this malarky. Im going to bed to see if I can astrally project myself again. I totally forgot this, but I remembered whilst out dog walking this afternoon. When I was about 22 I well had an out of body experience. I was half asleep and felt my feet leave the bed then my body was floating towards the door. I could feel that my alarm clock was below me. I kept grabbing onto the bed and wouldnt let my head leave the pillow so I crashed back to bed and woke up. I thought if I left myself then I might not come back. When I woke up I told my Mom about it and she said how she sometimes took a pencil to bed to draw a "X" on the ceiling because she also did it and wanted to prove to herself that she did it.
Needless to say I spent the next few days drawing "X's" and "I woz ere"on the ceiling in pencil above my Moms bed for my own entertainment.
Well, I'm going to will myself to do it again. I proper believe in that shit.
CAUGHT RED/KINGFISHER BLUE/SUNSHINE YELLOW/EMERALD GREEN/CHOCOLATE BROWN HANDED
I just went in to Boots to buy random shit to cheer myself up. They have started selling Barry M in Boots in Macc now. I've never really bought Barry M before, for some reason it always reminded me of that Constance Carol clart I first bought when I was experimenting with make up in the first year. I dont know, maybe its better.Boots always put their make up out in like rank order, it was somewhere up from Rimmel (is that their worst or do they do Collection 2000?) but quite away down from Max Factor and the like). Anyway, they had all the colours of eyeshadow Dazzle Dust TM testers open, and the colours look so nice I ended sticking my fingers in all of them. My hands (and jeans) now are borted in peacock like colours with each of my finger tips a different colour of the glittery rainbow,which the lady in Holland and Barratt couldn't but laugh at when I went to pay for my fruit bar thing. Of course I broke in to a Joseph number to not look foolish....."I am handsome I am smart, Im a walking work of art etc..."
How could I look anything but foolish after that? Nicely, she gave me some tissues.
How could I look anything but foolish after that? Nicely, she gave me some tissues.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
OW
God, my eye hurts.
It started on Monday and was a bit red. When I took my contact lens out on Tuesday night it hurt more without it in and kept me awake. Now my eye is still all red and jelly looking but it hurts more at the corner at the end of my eyelashes. Cant see anything wrong with it but its the eye that gave me grief when I went to see Chas N Dave, I think I better bite the bullet and go to the opticians.
It was so nice out today I went for a ride with Claire and Anne Marie. We did Sutton and Langley and went along the canal-which you aren't supposed to but that's what towpaths were made for after all.Anyway, who's going to stop you? 
We got on at the snake bridge (my favourite bit of the canal, although the bridge is very low and you have to duck down alot) and got off before that crazy lady's house before the Puss. She has shouted at me so many times-just cos some people don't pick up after their dog she likes to take it out on all dog owners. I've had my fair share of lectures and I have even shown her my pocket full of bags. But I ain't picking up after a horse, that's for sure! So we got off at Black Road.
We got on at the snake bridge (my favourite bit of the canal, although the bridge is very low and you have to duck down alot) and got off before that crazy lady's house before the Puss. She has shouted at me so many times-just cos some people don't pick up after their dog she likes to take it out on all dog owners. I've had my fair share of lectures and I have even shown her my pocket full of bags. But I ain't picking up after a horse, that's for sure! So we got off at Black Road.Whilst I was out my brother has been arsing around with my itunes. I see he has renamed Winehouse's "Rehab". It now comes up "Kebab". God knows what else he has tinkered with.I'm sure I will find more in time.
(BTW, loving that if you spell check "Winehouse" it comes up "Whorehouse". )
GARLIC BREAD?
How exciting....Peter Kay is going to play in The Ox-Ford in Macc. Thats even smaller than my tiny boozer. Only 90 tickets- thats less than I had to sell for when Frank Sidebottom played here. Therefore I suspect tickets will be like hens teeth and rocking horse shit but I will try my bestest all the same......
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY
There was something nearly interesting to tell you after all....
You know the money in the urinals? Well some daft/generous/drunk (delete as appropriate) man put a fiver in the middle one on Friday night. A whole real five pound note. And, it was still there when I kicked eveyone out at the end of the night.
You know the money in the urinals? Well some daft/generous/drunk (delete as appropriate) man put a fiver in the middle one on Friday night. A whole real five pound note. And, it was still there when I kicked eveyone out at the end of the night.
CAN YOU TELL I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY?
I brought up the case of the Tesco man getting 75,000 club point at the bar last night. It was pretty 50/50. GPW was quite insistant that it was stealing but I still think its Tescos fault and the senetence is well harsh. Obviously I am not as honest as I thought I was.
Moving on.... Had a chat to Crowther regarding my new venture, he is happy to help. I best start getting to work on that. Only with it being so nice out I think I might just take the hounds out today. Canal seems favourite.I still have the Rug Doctor on hire (it goes back tomorrow) so I best give the carpet a quick going over first. I did the carpets upstairs yesterday, Benson was lying out on the roof which was pretty dusty and then rolled all over the slighty damp but clean beige carpet. Why do I bother?
Slimming world wise I have been amazingly good this week. I have only drank 4 glasses of wine and soda,had a veggie kebeb and chips, 2 cadburys cream eggs and a Picnic. I dont even like Picnics.I wouldnt have even had them but my feeder brother keeps buying things and leaving them aroung the house, so I just end up eating them. So, if I havent lost something this week then I'll be in a right bad mood.
I see they still havent let Snoop in the country so I dont know if we are still going tomorrow night. I dont fancy getting shot for just P Diddy.
Moving on.... Had a chat to Crowther regarding my new venture, he is happy to help. I best start getting to work on that. Only with it being so nice out I think I might just take the hounds out today. Canal seems favourite.I still have the Rug Doctor on hire (it goes back tomorrow) so I best give the carpet a quick going over first. I did the carpets upstairs yesterday, Benson was lying out on the roof which was pretty dusty and then rolled all over the slighty damp but clean beige carpet. Why do I bother?
Slimming world wise I have been amazingly good this week. I have only drank 4 glasses of wine and soda,had a veggie kebeb and chips, 2 cadburys cream eggs and a Picnic. I dont even like Picnics.I wouldnt have even had them but my feeder brother keeps buying things and leaving them aroung the house, so I just end up eating them. So, if I havent lost something this week then I'll be in a right bad mood.
I see they still havent let Snoop in the country so I dont know if we are still going tomorrow night. I dont fancy getting shot for just P Diddy.
Monday, March 26, 2007
CRIMINAL?
So, a man goes in to Tescos in Luton and uses the self service till, swipes his voucher and gets extra clubcard points. He then realises that the computer is set up poorly and can swipe his voucher as many times as he wants and accrues 75,000 clubcard points.
He got 120 hours community service.
In either Tescos or Sainsburys last year they had the deal on bananas or carrotts programmed wrong into the till.Some clever customer spotted this and worked it so if he bought so many the till told the cashier to give the customer money, which they did. I can see how there may be a issue with morals and ethics for this man from Luton but I fail to see how the fact someone who exploited a mistake made by Tescos is breaking the law. Serves them bloody right for relying on computers so much. This angers me so. Im not a dishonest person and if self service tills didnt freak me out so much and I spotted the loop hole then I would have done it too. Maybe not to the pisstaking realms of 75,000 but a few times.
It surely is Tescos fault. Self service tills...I mean for frigs sake. I've never liked them, I thought they were designed to check your honesty. They cant be cost effective cos they usually have a few staff watching them incase they break or the customer doesnt scan the item right.
I went to Tescos and bought some flowers. They were £9.99. The price scanned up £4.99. Cos Im a ridiculously honest catholic girl I told the lady and she said that she had to charge what the till told her to do.
Ha, I rest my case.
He got 120 hours community service.
In either Tescos or Sainsburys last year they had the deal on bananas or carrotts programmed wrong into the till.Some clever customer spotted this and worked it so if he bought so many the till told the cashier to give the customer money, which they did. I can see how there may be a issue with morals and ethics for this man from Luton but I fail to see how the fact someone who exploited a mistake made by Tescos is breaking the law. Serves them bloody right for relying on computers so much. This angers me so. Im not a dishonest person and if self service tills didnt freak me out so much and I spotted the loop hole then I would have done it too. Maybe not to the pisstaking realms of 75,000 but a few times.
It surely is Tescos fault. Self service tills...I mean for frigs sake. I've never liked them, I thought they were designed to check your honesty. They cant be cost effective cos they usually have a few staff watching them incase they break or the customer doesnt scan the item right.
I went to Tescos and bought some flowers. They were £9.99. The price scanned up £4.99. Cos Im a ridiculously honest catholic girl I told the lady and she said that she had to charge what the till told her to do.
Ha, I rest my case.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Ermm....I dont think I like the look of car boots that much.
Despite losing the hour this morning - Me, Kay and Lindsey left for the famous Chelford Car Boot at 7.45am. For those who dont know there are 2 carboot sales in Chelford. Im lead to believe one is a big one and one is a little one. So we drove past the one at the market to the big one in the field which was.....closed. Its on next week weather permitting. I think thats where we are going. So we stopped off at the one at the market and OMG, Carbooting looks quite sad. Well, the ones who had stalls with no tables looked sad. And why do they stare at you so much? It was quite uncomfortable. They were selling dead plants and manky second hand make-up. My shit looks quite good now!
So, Im planning my stall, Im going to get some gingham material for a tablecloth so it looks nice, and I think I am going to label everything with black marker pen on those big Paddington Bear style tags you can get from WH Smiths. I have a load of brown paper bags that I might decorate and use them for smaller items (they were left over from when I did my Foundation Show at Northwich. Thats 13 years ago....I really dont throw anything away do I?)
I have been thinking, I might make some more of those cat draft excluder things I made for the windows in the pub. Everyone likes them and I like making them....we'll see. Skidface thinks they will sell better than my future million pound making business plan..... I dont think I have mentioned that on here yet have I? I've always had it on the back burner...waiting until I have some spare time. I guess that now I am jacking in my job I will have plenty of that.If I apply myself then I think I could have fun doing it and make some cash until I get settled in Canada. I will do some work on it this week and then present it to you all....I'd like it if you told me what you thought.
Despite losing the hour this morning - Me, Kay and Lindsey left for the famous Chelford Car Boot at 7.45am. For those who dont know there are 2 carboot sales in Chelford. Im lead to believe one is a big one and one is a little one. So we drove past the one at the market to the big one in the field which was.....closed. Its on next week weather permitting. I think thats where we are going. So we stopped off at the one at the market and OMG, Carbooting looks quite sad. Well, the ones who had stalls with no tables looked sad. And why do they stare at you so much? It was quite uncomfortable. They were selling dead plants and manky second hand make-up. My shit looks quite good now!
So, Im planning my stall, Im going to get some gingham material for a tablecloth so it looks nice, and I think I am going to label everything with black marker pen on those big Paddington Bear style tags you can get from WH Smiths. I have a load of brown paper bags that I might decorate and use them for smaller items (they were left over from when I did my Foundation Show at Northwich. Thats 13 years ago....I really dont throw anything away do I?)
I have been thinking, I might make some more of those cat draft excluder things I made for the windows in the pub. Everyone likes them and I like making them....we'll see. Skidface thinks they will sell better than my future million pound making business plan..... I dont think I have mentioned that on here yet have I? I've always had it on the back burner...waiting until I have some spare time. I guess that now I am jacking in my job I will have plenty of that.If I apply myself then I think I could have fun doing it and make some cash until I get settled in Canada. I will do some work on it this week and then present it to you all....I'd like it if you told me what you thought.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
WHAT THE SNIZZLE?
Maybe if Snoop Dogg was coming to the UK to sponge off of our benefit system, blow up our buses or have a hook or a hand and stand in Finsbury Pary telling the masses that our country was shit he would stand a better chance of Jack Straw letting him in the country.
Hope they sort it out, its only 5 days away.
Hope they sort it out, its only 5 days away.
DONT GIVE THE REMOTE CONTROL TO THE DOG
I just caught Jeremy and Benson watching "When good pets go bad" on Sky. They kept looking at each other raising their eyebrows whilst laughing like Mutley....should I be worried?
BREAKING NEWS
It is rumoured that the author J.B Fletcher, the lady you least want at your dinner party,was staying at the Pegasus hotel promoting her new book "LBW in Cabot Cove ". Her stay there coincided with that of Bob Woolmer and his untimely death. Indeed it was Jessica who brought it to the attention of the authorities that it was indeed murder and she is now working along side the sherriff in finding his killer/killers. Within an hour she may very well also have cleared up some match fixing allegations as well.
If I saw her in the foyer of the hotel I was staying in I would check myself out straight away before someone else did my checking out. Alas that stable door has long been bolted for Mr Woolmer, good to know shes on hand though to get to the bottom of it.
If I saw her in the foyer of the hotel I was staying in I would check myself out straight away before someone else did my checking out. Alas that stable door has long been bolted for Mr Woolmer, good to know shes on hand though to get to the bottom of it.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Ok, after much thought we have decided to go for a rekky on Sunday and check out the whole car boot thing. This is probably best as I have never really done it before. Plus I forgot I am down to give blood on Sunday and you know if I was selling I would have ended up having a few beers after.
Then, next week I shall sort and label all my crap. I don't even know if anyone will buy anything.....its all random.....shoes, bags, smoke machine, police light, strobe, jagermeister stuff, loads of glasses and pub stuff, records, clothes, pasta machine,accordion, how to play the said accordion books,baileys mugs,foot spa,glass head, paella pan...I might even sell my hunter wellies. I haven't decided, no, maybe I'll keep them
Then, next week I shall sort and label all my crap. I don't even know if anyone will buy anything.....its all random.....shoes, bags, smoke machine, police light, strobe, jagermeister stuff, loads of glasses and pub stuff, records, clothes, pasta machine,accordion, how to play the said accordion books,baileys mugs,foot spa,glass head, paella pan...I might even sell my hunter wellies. I haven't decided, no, maybe I'll keep them
OF ALL THE WEEKENDS IN THE WORLD....
I choose this one to start my car booting career.
Yes, I know the clocks go forward and yes I know Chelford Car Boot starts ridiculously early.....but my question is what time should I be there to set up?
If anyone of you three people that read this have ever sold at Chelford Car Boot on a Sunday morning or know anything about it (I am a novice and Chelford Virgin) then please email me ( portersprince@aol.com ) or leave a comment if you can. Tips and hints are also appreciated
Yes, I know the clocks go forward and yes I know Chelford Car Boot starts ridiculously early.....but my question is what time should I be there to set up?
If anyone of you three people that read this have ever sold at Chelford Car Boot on a Sunday morning or know anything about it (I am a novice and Chelford Virgin) then please email me ( portersprince@aol.com ) or leave a comment if you can. Tips and hints are also appreciated
Thursday, March 22, 2007
NEVER ON DEMAND
My Dad used to be a teacher at a secondary school I have the utmost respect for him for doing that cos kids can be tw@ts.
I was walking through town with the beagle in a daft pair of jogging suit bottoms. There was this bunch of boys standing opposite the refugee lady that sells the Big Issue outside Marks and Sparks. One was trying to take the piss out of the creative way she sings the "Big Issu-u-ue" and being down right rude and racist. She looked really uncomfortable.
I stared at him a while then asked the little shit head if he thought he was funny and asked him who he was trying to impress cos infact he just looked pathetic and everyone was laughing at him cos he looked like some thick stupid unimaginative kid and obviously has no mates.(the ones with him were sat on the bench with their hoods up.)
The best he could come back with was to call me a "big red head" which I didnt really get.I asked him if that was the best he could do cos surely my trousers were funnier than the fact I have a healthy complexion. He looked puzzled. I told him to get a life.I have never wished for Jeremy to cock his leg and pee on his trainers as much as I did at that moment but alas he had just done one outside Adams.
Could you imagine working with idiots like that everyday and putting up with all that shit? I came home, told my Dad how impressed I am that he taught and put up with all of that for over 30 years. I think I will buy him a pint after work.
TJ hughes have that olay regenerist gubbins in for £6 at the mo and apri stuff well cheap too. They also have St Tropez in, but regardless of hype I dont like it.
I was walking through town with the beagle in a daft pair of jogging suit bottoms. There was this bunch of boys standing opposite the refugee lady that sells the Big Issue outside Marks and Sparks. One was trying to take the piss out of the creative way she sings the "Big Issu-u-ue" and being down right rude and racist. She looked really uncomfortable.
I stared at him a while then asked the little shit head if he thought he was funny and asked him who he was trying to impress cos infact he just looked pathetic and everyone was laughing at him cos he looked like some thick stupid unimaginative kid and obviously has no mates.(the ones with him were sat on the bench with their hoods up.)
The best he could come back with was to call me a "big red head" which I didnt really get.I asked him if that was the best he could do cos surely my trousers were funnier than the fact I have a healthy complexion. He looked puzzled. I told him to get a life.I have never wished for Jeremy to cock his leg and pee on his trainers as much as I did at that moment but alas he had just done one outside Adams.
Could you imagine working with idiots like that everyday and putting up with all that shit? I came home, told my Dad how impressed I am that he taught and put up with all of that for over 30 years. I think I will buy him a pint after work.
TJ hughes have that olay regenerist gubbins in for £6 at the mo and apri stuff well cheap too. They also have St Tropez in, but regardless of hype I dont like it.
ARE YOU HAVING A GIRRAFFE?
This has to be a joke? I have just seen them on This Morning. I will be cringing all day.
My move to Canada cannot come sooner.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
SMART
Im well impressed, I have just seen Ninas site that shows what shes raised so far...its lovely. Check it out
KNOWS NO BOUNDS
Can you believe that since 8th Jan the gentlemen in here have contributed £212 in coppers that they have then in turn pissed on?
I am so impressed and proud of them.
I am so impressed and proud of them.
Monday, March 19, 2007
BAKING POWDER?
A friend of mine went for one of those inch loss wraps on Saturday. We were chatting about this on Friday night and she said she has had one before and said she lost loads of inches all over in total.
When I saw her again on Saturday night I asked her how it went....
Me:"So how was your day?"
Her:"Not bad....only 6 inches"
Me:"thats good"
Her:"Well, I was kind of hoping for 10 inches"
Claire:(who overhears this and doesnt know what we are talking about)"Don't we all want a nice 10 incher!"
Hee hee hee.
Jeremy is moments away from talking I swear. He seems all super intelligent today, I dont know why. Just imagine what I could do with a talking Beagle, the world would be my oyster.
Elsewhere in the exciting life of me....
Me and Nina are taking all the change from the urinals to Sainsburys change machine tonight. I dont know why this excites me. I have never used it before, maybe thats why.
God, Im so sad.
When I saw her again on Saturday night I asked her how it went....
Me:"So how was your day?"
Her:"Not bad....only 6 inches"
Me:"thats good"
Her:"Well, I was kind of hoping for 10 inches"
Claire:(who overhears this and doesnt know what we are talking about)"Don't we all want a nice 10 incher!"
Hee hee hee.
Jeremy is moments away from talking I swear. He seems all super intelligent today, I dont know why. Just imagine what I could do with a talking Beagle, the world would be my oyster.
Elsewhere in the exciting life of me....
Me and Nina are taking all the change from the urinals to Sainsburys change machine tonight. I dont know why this excites me. I have never used it before, maybe thats why.
God, Im so sad.
PRAISE THE LORD
This morning was not the first time I had woke up wearing a nuns habit, and it probably wont be the last.
The idea was we were going to The Church House for a few, instead of course we just sat at the end of the bar and ended up smashed. Lets see what I can remember...Kay was wearing a high-vis British Rail jacket, I was singing "Oh happy day" and dancing MTV spring break style in my nuns habit and then Myra Hindley wig and thats all I can recall, Linds was behind the bar and Miss Heyes was just hammered.
We really should get out more.
Well, I have put me a big pair of apple catchers on and Im gong for another ride with Clairey. That should sort my wooly head out fingers crossed.
The idea was we were going to The Church House for a few, instead of course we just sat at the end of the bar and ended up smashed. Lets see what I can remember...Kay was wearing a high-vis British Rail jacket, I was singing "Oh happy day" and dancing MTV spring break style in my nuns habit and then Myra Hindley wig and thats all I can recall, Linds was behind the bar and Miss Heyes was just hammered.
We really should get out more.
Well, I have put me a big pair of apple catchers on and Im gong for another ride with Clairey. That should sort my wooly head out fingers crossed.
Friday, March 16, 2007
THE GRITTER?
Apparentley so. There was frost on the cellar roof this morning and The Daily Express tells me that there will be a foot of snow this weekend. All of this is good news cos I forgot myself the other week and ordered a whole load of coal. I need to use it up so its not taking up too much room over the summer.
I can kind of sit down today. Its not that bad, my knee is a bit done in though. I've loaded up my shuffle with The Cramps and will take myelf down the gym, see if I cant shake it off.
I've got £10 each way on Beef Or Salmon in the Gold Cup, fingers crossed. It would make up for the casino disaster I suffered on Tuesday
I can kind of sit down today. Its not that bad, my knee is a bit done in though. I've loaded up my shuffle with The Cramps and will take myelf down the gym, see if I cant shake it off.
I've got £10 each way on Beef Or Salmon in the Gold Cup, fingers crossed. It would make up for the casino disaster I suffered on Tuesday
Thursday, March 15, 2007
CHEESEGRATER
I know I have often been criticised by my friends for sometimes being inappropriate on here, but I figure if someone learns a lesson the hard way its only fair that they pass on their knowledge.
Looking back its an obvious mistaker-to-maker (was that from 'allo 'allo?) but people, if you find your self going on a 3 hour horse ride make sure you are wearing the correct underwear.
Lace is not a fabric you want to be "furnishing your basement" with. Lets hope there isn't a crimescene around Teggs Nose in the future, cos if they investigated the area it might confuse the police by finding the knickers I just had to rip off and hide there (I had no pockets).
There, I dont think that was too graphic...
We went on a long one, from Gawsworth, past the Fools Nook to Sutton then Langley. Up Teggs Nose then down Buxton Road. Along Black Road and Byrons Lane and then back the way we came. It just started to rain when we got back to the farm. It cheered me up no end although Im sure I will pay for it tomorrow.
Tomorrow, as long as Im walking ok, I really need to pull my finger out and go into town. I havent even got round to paying myself this week and have been without phone credit since Tuesday. Even though Tescos is just across the road I havent found time to go in it while its open. Now Im a bit more cheerful I'll get round to doing what Im supposed to.(The 5 cans of Diet Kick I have just drank may be making me feel energetic after all).
Looking back its an obvious mistaker-to-maker (was that from 'allo 'allo?) but people, if you find your self going on a 3 hour horse ride make sure you are wearing the correct underwear.
Lace is not a fabric you want to be "furnishing your basement" with. Lets hope there isn't a crimescene around Teggs Nose in the future, cos if they investigated the area it might confuse the police by finding the knickers I just had to rip off and hide there (I had no pockets).
There, I dont think that was too graphic...
We went on a long one, from Gawsworth, past the Fools Nook to Sutton then Langley. Up Teggs Nose then down Buxton Road. Along Black Road and Byrons Lane and then back the way we came. It just started to rain when we got back to the farm. It cheered me up no end although Im sure I will pay for it tomorrow.
Tomorrow, as long as Im walking ok, I really need to pull my finger out and go into town. I havent even got round to paying myself this week and have been without phone credit since Tuesday. Even though Tescos is just across the road I havent found time to go in it while its open. Now Im a bit more cheerful I'll get round to doing what Im supposed to.(The 5 cans of Diet Kick I have just drank may be making me feel energetic after all).
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
UNKNOWN ERROR
As fantastic as my phone is, with its gprs and everything, I cant get the photos off it on to my pc.Unknown error or something. I hate unknown errors.
I cleaned the ice machine with my brother this morning so of course that is now broken. I dont know why. An unknown error.
I had a lovely day today but after just 3 hours of working I am now on a right downer. Feel sad and crappy- I dont know why.....Unknown error.
I took the beagle up to Claires and we walked up to this new place where some of her horses are. Its lovely there. There is this little lake, Jeremy wasnt for swimming but he had a go, well we made him. Didnt really like it but at least I know he floats now. I took loads of pictures but sorry, what with the unknown error you cant see them.
Then we went for some grub at the Leather Smithy then mucked out her other horses. The beagle got filthy but he just loves running around with horses. He would be shit on a hunt as he cant even jump a wall, is scared of water (oops) and is a bit dim. Still, he loves the horses all the same.
I'm supposed to be going on a ride tomorrow around Macc Forest, but I wont be going if I am still in this stinking mood. I've got no food in, the place is a tip, I cant watch sky cos bloody football is on and I want to go to sleep. Im such a lazy cow.
Mum says we have a house to stay in in Canada until we figure out what we are doing. I think the realisation of this has slighty freaked me out but at least its beginning to feel real.
I cleaned the ice machine with my brother this morning so of course that is now broken. I dont know why. An unknown error.
I had a lovely day today but after just 3 hours of working I am now on a right downer. Feel sad and crappy- I dont know why.....Unknown error.
I took the beagle up to Claires and we walked up to this new place where some of her horses are. Its lovely there. There is this little lake, Jeremy wasnt for swimming but he had a go, well we made him. Didnt really like it but at least I know he floats now. I took loads of pictures but sorry, what with the unknown error you cant see them.
Then we went for some grub at the Leather Smithy then mucked out her other horses. The beagle got filthy but he just loves running around with horses. He would be shit on a hunt as he cant even jump a wall, is scared of water (oops) and is a bit dim. Still, he loves the horses all the same.
I'm supposed to be going on a ride tomorrow around Macc Forest, but I wont be going if I am still in this stinking mood. I've got no food in, the place is a tip, I cant watch sky cos bloody football is on and I want to go to sleep. Im such a lazy cow.
Mum says we have a house to stay in in Canada until we figure out what we are doing. I think the realisation of this has slighty freaked me out but at least its beginning to feel real.
CARPET-HEAD IS 30
Happy Birthday Martin. Carpet head is 30 today.
To mark the occasion we went out last night. Me and Claire went to slimming world first (where I lost 2 pounds...I would lose considerably more later on). Then we abducted Claire Heyes who was texting and walking down Churchill Way and went to the ThrillZone. After the drunken disaster that was Friday night she refused to come to Manchester with us so we left her there and got the train.
Ate at El Rincon the went to Mojo, I was a bit tired so we were going to get the last train home-saving us the £50 taxi.
Of course we missed the last train. We got there just as it should have been leaving and there was no way I was running all the way to platform 13 in my heels just incase it was running late. Then I have my brain wave....Of course- we should go to the casino and win our taxi fare.
When will I learn? No really....when?
Well I won a bit, lost a bit, won a bit but then had developed the taste so ended up losing £80 (I know I could have nearly got a taxi there and back). Anyway, I was chasing a new pair of riding boots and gators that I had decided to buy for about a hundred quid. Thats where I went wrong cos I did win the taxi fare...only I got greedy. I really should not go there again.
My doppleganger is back. I was in Tescos and Denise who works there asked if I had a good night at Shrigley Hall? I looked a tad confused as the last time I went to Shrigley Hall was when I was 16 and was going out with Doug- and then I only went in the kitchen. No, t'was my doppleganger dancing with some guy at some silk fm party night. She wondered why I didnt wave back.
Now, I know I can be quite rude but having a double who ignores these people who think shes me is doing me no favours. Everyone thinks im well ignorant anyway.
And, you know after I move to Canada I come back on holidays no one will have noticed that I had gone.Mind you- I quite like that.
In other news, apparentley MKB's beard has not progressed much. Im off to the fancy dress shop today to buy some stick on ones....
To mark the occasion we went out last night. Me and Claire went to slimming world first (where I lost 2 pounds...I would lose considerably more later on). Then we abducted Claire Heyes who was texting and walking down Churchill Way and went to the ThrillZone. After the drunken disaster that was Friday night she refused to come to Manchester with us so we left her there and got the train.
Ate at El Rincon the went to Mojo, I was a bit tired so we were going to get the last train home-saving us the £50 taxi.
Of course we missed the last train. We got there just as it should have been leaving and there was no way I was running all the way to platform 13 in my heels just incase it was running late. Then I have my brain wave....Of course- we should go to the casino and win our taxi fare.
When will I learn? No really....when?
Well I won a bit, lost a bit, won a bit but then had developed the taste so ended up losing £80 (I know I could have nearly got a taxi there and back). Anyway, I was chasing a new pair of riding boots and gators that I had decided to buy for about a hundred quid. Thats where I went wrong cos I did win the taxi fare...only I got greedy. I really should not go there again.
My doppleganger is back. I was in Tescos and Denise who works there asked if I had a good night at Shrigley Hall? I looked a tad confused as the last time I went to Shrigley Hall was when I was 16 and was going out with Doug- and then I only went in the kitchen. No, t'was my doppleganger dancing with some guy at some silk fm party night. She wondered why I didnt wave back.
Now, I know I can be quite rude but having a double who ignores these people who think shes me is doing me no favours. Everyone thinks im well ignorant anyway.
And, you know after I move to Canada I come back on holidays no one will have noticed that I had gone.Mind you- I quite like that.
In other news, apparentley MKB's beard has not progressed much. Im off to the fancy dress shop today to buy some stick on ones....
Monday, March 12, 2007
BUMFIGHT
much to my delight MKB does not remember agreeing to growing a beard for the blind. He has to now cos I have collected over £100 in sposer money for it.
Blind Tony, much to my amazement has never had a beard so I have convinced a blind man to have a beard growing competition with the legendary MKB. I feel like I am one tiny bit away from being the person that invented "bumfight" or "bumwars" or what ever that fantastically bad show that made drunks fight and get forehead tatoo's for money was.
LOVE IT OR HATE IT, ITS BUMFIGHTS Y'ALL
Blind Tony, much to my amazement has never had a beard so I have convinced a blind man to have a beard growing competition with the legendary MKB. I feel like I am one tiny bit away from being the person that invented "bumfight" or "bumwars" or what ever that fantastically bad show that made drunks fight and get forehead tatoo's for money was.
LOVE IT OR HATE IT, ITS BUMFIGHTS Y'ALL
Sunday, March 11, 2007
MKB'S BEARD FOR THE BLIND
(The upside-down man challenge)
Me and Lindsay have talked MKB into growing a beard for charity- Blind Tony and the Macclesfield Blind society.He probably wont remember so we have sent sponser forms around the pub already so he cant back out of it.
I wrote him a note saying "dont shave until Easter Sunday" because he wont remember.So I shall check to see if there is any growth tonight.He thinks he could only sprout a quarter of an inch.
I am interested to see if it is straight or curly, grey or ginger, whether its patchy or full.
(Im insisting that it must incorparate a 'tash aswell.)
I tried to persuade him to wear it to court (which has been suspended again until the end of April) but no dice.
Me and Lindsay have talked MKB into growing a beard for charity- Blind Tony and the Macclesfield Blind society.He probably wont remember so we have sent sponser forms around the pub already so he cant back out of it.
I wrote him a note saying "dont shave until Easter Sunday" because he wont remember.So I shall check to see if there is any growth tonight.He thinks he could only sprout a quarter of an inch.
I am interested to see if it is straight or curly, grey or ginger, whether its patchy or full.
(Im insisting that it must incorparate a 'tash aswell.)
I tried to persuade him to wear it to court (which has been suspended again until the end of April) but no dice.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
ALL I WANTED WAS AN EARLY NIGHT
I was looking forward to a bath,pyjamas and bed. I never get to go to bed before 12 so I was well excited.
Next news Johnson walks in so I joined her for one. Next news I'm the Major of Lashville, then in Preachers with three Claires .Its all a blur.
So, I've had a Resolve and then a Fruli for breakfast whilst listening to Off The Bone. A better morning album I have yet to find.Domino-as Greg would say - rocks my world.
I like to think my brother likes making me the food kind of breakfast so I got him to boil me some eggs. I always moan that his eggs arent done right. He must have taken this on board and asked super chef de PVR Chris Hall how to do perfect soft boiled eggs*. So he followed his instructions, then doubted the method and put them back on the heat. As a result they are not perfect and a bit hard.Im going to have to have another Fruli.
*Chris Hall says for perfect soft boiled eggs boil the water, put the eggs in, take it off the heat and leave for ten minutes
Next news Johnson walks in so I joined her for one. Next news I'm the Major of Lashville, then in Preachers with three Claires .Its all a blur.
So, I've had a Resolve and then a Fruli for breakfast whilst listening to Off The Bone. A better morning album I have yet to find.Domino-as Greg would say - rocks my world.
I like to think my brother likes making me the food kind of breakfast so I got him to boil me some eggs. I always moan that his eggs arent done right. He must have taken this on board and asked super chef de PVR Chris Hall how to do perfect soft boiled eggs*. So he followed his instructions, then doubted the method and put them back on the heat. As a result they are not perfect and a bit hard.Im going to have to have another Fruli.
*Chris Hall says for perfect soft boiled eggs boil the water, put the eggs in, take it off the heat and leave for ten minutes
Thursday, March 08, 2007
I R WI-FI
Yeah, my laptop is working again (although there is a problem with the "s" key.
This means I can once again blog whilst sat in the pub.
Small things and small minds etc
This means I can once again blog whilst sat in the pub.
Small things and small minds etc
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
FAN FARE PLEASE.........
Ok, so here is my new fantastic Guinness promotion idea.
I think you will be amazed at my generosity....
I'm calling it "GUINNESS IS FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR ST PATRICKS DAY", yes, its a little inspired by the hounds...
So, here is the main jist of it....
You have to get yourself one of those myspace pages if you dont have one already. Once you do then you ask for me to be your friend then you can leave a comment. You have to leave a comment saying how "GUINNESS IS FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR ST PATRICKS DAY". If you do this then you will be entered into a draw. I will give each of you a raffle ticket number. On Saturday 17th March...which is of course St Patricks Day I will get someone in the pub to draw out a ticket.
Now, get this......
The winner will be entitled to one free pint of Guinness everyday from the day after (18th) right through March and all the way through April as well-up until the last day on 30th. So, thats 44 pints of Guinness in total.
And no, before you ask....they cant be rolled over or swapped or sold or given away. If you dont come in that day then you lose that pint. Its that easy.
I have just started drinking he black stuff and I'm loving it.
So, do I have the best ideas or what? Not sure if the Portman Group will agree with me but I think its pretty cool. (the thingss I do to get friends ey?!)
SO GO HERE FOR YOUR CHANCE TO WIN BOOZE
I think you will be amazed at my generosity....
I'm calling it "GUINNESS IS FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR ST PATRICKS DAY", yes, its a little inspired by the hounds...
So, here is the main jist of it....
You have to get yourself one of those myspace pages if you dont have one already. Once you do then you ask for me to be your friend then you can leave a comment. You have to leave a comment saying how "GUINNESS IS FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR ST PATRICKS DAY". If you do this then you will be entered into a draw. I will give each of you a raffle ticket number. On Saturday 17th March...which is of course St Patricks Day I will get someone in the pub to draw out a ticket.
Now, get this......
The winner will be entitled to one free pint of Guinness everyday from the day after (18th) right through March and all the way through April as well-up until the last day on 30th. So, thats 44 pints of Guinness in total.
And no, before you ask....they cant be rolled over or swapped or sold or given away. If you dont come in that day then you lose that pint. Its that easy.
I have just started drinking he black stuff and I'm loving it.
So, do I have the best ideas or what? Not sure if the Portman Group will agree with me but I think its pretty cool. (the thingss I do to get friends ey?!)
SO GO HERE FOR YOUR CHANCE TO WIN BOOZE
IN ALL SERIOUSNESS.....
Have WH Smiths been bought out by Cadburys? What is with the persistant pushing of big bars of Cadburys chocolate when you are at the till?
"Would you like some chocolate with your pens?" WTF?
Well, actually yes, I would but its Tuesday and Im going to try and make weigh in tonight at Fat Club.
Oh, BTW the "no chocolate and cake" during lent bit the big one 3 days into it. I had 2 boxes of Creme Eggs behind the bar and quite frankly Jesus himself would have found that hard to resist.
Anyway, I have bought me some pens to make a fantastic St Pats promotion thing to stick out on the tables for tomorrow. I have come up with a beautiful little promotion for the black stuff and as Guinness' head of commercial what have you is coming here tomorrow morning I figured I'd wow them with my genius. I was gong out on the lash and gambling at the Casino tomorrow but seems we are having a family meeting tomorrow night. Never actually had one of them before - but then, we've never all decided to emmigrate. T'is sensible to talk about it when not three pints pissed.
I have got a new phone and I proper love it, even though its not a Sony Ericsson. Its a Samsung d900 which will work when I move abroad (providing I dont drop this one down the toilet or lose it when p*ssed up).
The screen saver chanes with the time of day and shows city or country shots depending on where you are. Seems Macc is a city. I'll see if it changes when I go to Bolly tonight. I call that country.
I am sadly excited by the fact that The Wurzels have released "I am a cider drinker". I have always been a massive fan and talked endlessly about the "Scrumpy & Western" nights I want to hold with bare backed pig riding. I may be able to get my yokel fancy dress outfit out after all. Also, as stupid Victoria Newton slated it in the Sun it will no doubt do well then she will say that she predicted it (like when she said Lily Allen would deffo win The Brits, then, weeks later after Winehouse won she said that she correctly predicted it. Liar liar pants on fire Newton. One day you will become unstuck.
"Would you like some chocolate with your pens?" WTF?
Well, actually yes, I would but its Tuesday and Im going to try and make weigh in tonight at Fat Club.
Oh, BTW the "no chocolate and cake" during lent bit the big one 3 days into it. I had 2 boxes of Creme Eggs behind the bar and quite frankly Jesus himself would have found that hard to resist.
Anyway, I have bought me some pens to make a fantastic St Pats promotion thing to stick out on the tables for tomorrow. I have come up with a beautiful little promotion for the black stuff and as Guinness' head of commercial what have you is coming here tomorrow morning I figured I'd wow them with my genius. I was gong out on the lash and gambling at the Casino tomorrow but seems we are having a family meeting tomorrow night. Never actually had one of them before - but then, we've never all decided to emmigrate. T'is sensible to talk about it when not three pints pissed.
I have got a new phone and I proper love it, even though its not a Sony Ericsson. Its a Samsung d900 which will work when I move abroad (providing I dont drop this one down the toilet or lose it when p*ssed up).
The screen saver chanes with the time of day and shows city or country shots depending on where you are. Seems Macc is a city. I'll see if it changes when I go to Bolly tonight. I call that country.
I am sadly excited by the fact that The Wurzels have released "I am a cider drinker". I have always been a massive fan and talked endlessly about the "Scrumpy & Western" nights I want to hold with bare backed pig riding. I may be able to get my yokel fancy dress outfit out after all. Also, as stupid Victoria Newton slated it in the Sun it will no doubt do well then she will say that she predicted it (like when she said Lily Allen would deffo win The Brits, then, weeks later after Winehouse won she said that she correctly predicted it. Liar liar pants on fire Newton. One day you will become unstuck.
Monday, March 05, 2007
MOVE OVER SPARKY
There is a new Fire Dog in town.Last night I was fast asleep. I'd had a few wines with the ladies and so was out like a light. Skidface stayed over on the settee. At 1am he wakes me up, Benson was barking like a crazy dog so Lindsay looked out on to the car park at the back and low and behold the cardboard recycling bin was on fire. Again. So I rang 999 and watched. They came quite quick, less that 5 minutes.
Friday, March 02, 2007
WAC
I well used to love this.(shame the pic isnt bigger ey?)
One year, I remember my Mom sent a picture of my brother into TVam when they used to show birthday pictures. He was 9 so it was 1986. It was on before Pinkxie and Jinkxie (or what ever them pesky mice were called). My Mom taped it cos naturally at 7:18am on 31st May Skidface was still in bed. Anyway, I taped it and used to play and pause the picture and do Wac-a-day "it's fingers in your ears time" and pretend to put my fingers in Lindsays ears (on the picture). He then would cry. (sorry Lindsay, but you did).
I loved Wac-a-Day.
Scarily, I loved Timmy Mallet, even through the "Itsy bitsy teeny weeny...." stage. I used to practice the dance moves with Nicola Hackney in her front room (along with Bananarama's Venus and Madonna's Papa dont Preach from off the Chart Show that we would video from Saturday). I wore fingerless gloves and everything.
(BTW, I know I couldn't have used (brackets) anymore if I tried.)
There was a point to this.......as usual I have forgotten what it was. It was something to do with Mallets Mallet - you know, the words association game where you must not pause or hesitate or you get a bash over the head like this (bash) or like this (bash), the one with the most bruises loses.The word is.......
Thursday, March 01, 2007
PHEW!
Granada Reports have just cancelled.They were going to come here at 12. They want to come tomorrow instead aslong as Kate and David from three doors down will be here. I dont think they will, so I may be off the hook after all.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Erm...problem.
I know I dropped my mobile in the beer drip tray the other week, and then it worked fine. I dont know if it is related but now no one can hear me now when I talk (a joy to many i am sure).Other than that it works perfectly.
As I am rubbish with tings like this I was wondering, do you think it is broke and I need to buy a new one or does anyone know if its fixable. BTW, Its a W300i sony ericsson.
I know I dropped my mobile in the beer drip tray the other week, and then it worked fine. I dont know if it is related but now no one can hear me now when I talk (a joy to many i am sure).Other than that it works perfectly.
As I am rubbish with tings like this I was wondering, do you think it is broke and I need to buy a new one or does anyone know if its fixable. BTW, Its a W300i sony ericsson.
WITH MY LITTLE EYE
We went on holiday to Scotland ages ago, must have been 1981 or 82. We ended up driving as far as Tain in a white Ford Cortina with just three tapes - Blondie, Paul Simon and Queen and two I-spy books.
I loved I-spy books, they were well geeky. Well, my experience of the I-spy books must have payed off cos guess who I saw today? (I wont bore you with it if you cant guess....its more of a reminder for me) On Westminster Road at 15.40 whilst I was walking the dogs. Move over Petrochelli...theres a new kid in town .
By the way, what is going on? Last night and tonight were buiser than Christmas.!!?? Never right.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I SMELL THE NATIONALS
There is a picture of the pub on page 3 of the Manchester Evening News and Claire (down the road Claire) on it-about knocking down the houses. A lady from the press association has just been on the phone. Fingers crossed....this could be my 3rd appearence in the Sun tomorrow!
Monday, February 26, 2007
CONSPIRACY THEORY TIME
I have a theory.
You know how Jeremy Kyle is always giving people DNA tests ?
Do you think the show then hand over all the DNA results to the police for their records? Infact do you think the whole show is just a way to get f*ckwits to hand over their DNA sample cos most of them look like potential offenders.
Genius
You know how Jeremy Kyle is always giving people DNA tests ?
Do you think the show then hand over all the DNA results to the police for their records? Infact do you think the whole show is just a way to get f*ckwits to hand over their DNA sample cos most of them look like potential offenders.
Genius
CANCEL THAT
That was....
55%Booze
44% bravdo
(1% still able to do math)
I have faded quite rapidly, cant even keep down cup-a-soup. I think my organs are failing. I need paracetamol. Its def con wop again.
Last night was great. Winehouse was great. Fruli/cider/gin /carling and what ever I drank at the Irish club in Chorlton was great.The naan salad from Rusholme chippy was great.
My ability to survive the hangover.....not so great.
Cleetus, get me my gun.
55%Booze
44% bravdo
(1% still able to do math)
I have faded quite rapidly, cant even keep down cup-a-soup. I think my organs are failing. I need paracetamol. Its def con wop again.
Last night was great. Winehouse was great. Fruli/cider/gin /carling and what ever I drank at the Irish club in Chorlton was great.The naan salad from Rusholme chippy was great.
My ability to survive the hangover.....not so great.
Cleetus, get me my gun.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
IF YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE INDICISIVE...
Then spare a thought to whoever it is that goes to recycle their gin bottles at the bins in Duke Street Car Park Macclesfield.
Every Saturday morning recently when faced with the options of the
green glass bottle bank, the clear glass bottle bank and the brown glass bottle bank they keep leaving their empty blue 70cl bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin on the floor t'wixt the green and the clear bins.
I'm not in a position to give a correct ruling here, this is not my forte. But you would think that week after week after doing the same thing he/she would either leave it home, switch gin, put it in either of the other colour bins or make them in to candle holders and light their house all romantic like.
Maybe they think that the people who come and empty the bottle bins put the blue ones on the seat next to them in their truck and take them back to the depot and drop it in the special blue recycling bin. Maybe they are leaving it out so they get the hint and give us a blue bin. Maybe they believe in recycling faries who magically pick up the bottle and put it in the bin.....oh hang on...its nearly true, its me.Yes - I am that fairy. I put them in the green one.
Well, enough of this drivel. I need to get out more. I'm off out tonight to see Amy Winehouse at Manchester Academy or whatever they are calling it these days. This is good cos that means I can drink Fruli at the Kro across the road before and after! And I loves me Fruli (in a shit Ali G voice)
Every Saturday morning recently when faced with the options of the
green glass bottle bank, the clear glass bottle bank and the brown glass bottle bank they keep leaving their empty blue 70cl bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin on the floor t'wixt the green and the clear bins.
I'm not in a position to give a correct ruling here, this is not my forte. But you would think that week after week after doing the same thing he/she would either leave it home, switch gin, put it in either of the other colour bins or make them in to candle holders and light their house all romantic like.
Maybe they think that the people who come and empty the bottle bins put the blue ones on the seat next to them in their truck and take them back to the depot and drop it in the special blue recycling bin. Maybe they are leaving it out so they get the hint and give us a blue bin. Maybe they believe in recycling faries who magically pick up the bottle and put it in the bin.....oh hang on...its nearly true, its me.Yes - I am that fairy. I put them in the green one.
Well, enough of this drivel. I need to get out more. I'm off out tonight to see Amy Winehouse at Manchester Academy or whatever they are calling it these days. This is good cos that means I can drink Fruli at the Kro across the road before and after! And I loves me Fruli (in a shit Ali G voice)
Friday, February 23, 2007
BEYONCE KNOWLES - YOU OWE ME 2 HOURS OF MY LIFE
OH
MY
GOD
I dont watch many films, I hardly ever go to the pictures. The last time was Walk the Line until tonight...there are no words.
It was my fault, I picked it.
I dont know why. I was feeling a bit down so I thought it sounded like a "pick me up"sort of film, instead Im worried it has pushed something important out of my brain to make room in my head to watch it. We only stayed to the end to see if R Kelly had anything to do with directing or producing it cos it well turned in to a hip-hopera half way through.
God it was awful. It was God awful. I dont ever want to hear anyone sing again. Music is now ruined for me.
More interestingly though, after Kay picked me up at 8.20 we were on our way to pick up Linds when guess who I saw in the car next to us at the lights?
Guess. Go on, you wont get it...
Only the master of lies and deception - yes it was Paul.
I was just jabbering on to Kay when I saw him over my shoulder in the car to our right. He was putting his seat belt on.Before I recognised him I went to smile cos he looked familiar (you know, like you do) but I turned away, I think, before he saw me. I had my glasses on and I doubt he would have recognised me.
So like psycho weirdo stalkers we stopped indicating left and switched to right and followed right behind them up Park Lane then right at the round-a-bout. I tried to get a look at the driver, she had a big nose, older than me and looked quite short. It was a blue P reg ford escort freedom.(I have the reg, so if anyone thinks they can find the owner....) It sounds like the girl with the kids he was seeing while I was with him. The one that his wife smacked in the face.I knew he would be with her.
I havent set eyes on him since we said goodbye outside Euston Station after we got back from Canada in August. We followed to the roundabout by Kings then I said we should leave it so we went right after they went left. I was a tad paranoid. God knows why. I always wondered how I would feel seeing him again and I am pleased to admit I had anger then intreague and then actually realised I didn't care. So I texted him just so he knew I knew where he was, I asked him why he didnt wave! Ha, that should do his head in. Needless to say he hasnt replied.
So I feel quite good. I have never laughed so much coming out of a film. I had no idea it was so utterley bad. How did I not know this? I couldnt sit through that again...not for any money. My eyes,nose and ears would be bleeding. I cant even write about how bad it became. I first knew it was going to be bad when I saw Eddie Murphy in it with all his sexual chocolateness. And how bad must that fart that Jamie Foxx kept sniffing at the end of the movie?
Or maybe it was just the film.
It stank.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
TOTP, SO MUCH TO ANSWER FOR
Well, its done.
I waited 2.5hours downstairs yesterday afternoon for this nasty man who comes in to tell him that he was barred. 2.5 hours and no show...its like he knew. I missed Neighbours and everything.
Anyway, he came in about 12.30 today. He is usually in most afternoons, has a few carling and sits in the part of the bar I like to call the VIP area. Ha ha ha. He is a most unpleasent chap, very opinionated and likes to interrupt peoples conversations with his "f"ing this and "f"ing that. He is nothing more than a thick bully.
He had a go at Gareth that drinks red wine, complaining that his hearing aid was whistling and disturbing him. Has been very rude to my favourite Stan and then in turn to Dudley. (no one tells me this...I try and steer clear of the pub in the afternoon). Last straw was the fantastically blind Blind Tony. Seems an arguement errupted over when Pan's People started on Top Of The Pops which ended with him threatening Blind Tony by telling him he was going to shove his head through a wall or words to that effect.
Anyway, I was most diplomatic. Infact, if I ever had to be barred from anywhere I wouldn't mind being barred by me.
I simply told him I had had a number of complaints about his language, attitude and somewhat threatening behavior.I told him it wouldnt be tolorated and it would be better if he found himself somewhere else to drink as he was no longer welcome here. He asked who by? I said it didnt matter although he should be aware that it came from more than 3 different people. He kicked up no fuss and left
Meanwhile BT has worked himself up into a bit of a state thinking that he is going to be jumped or something. I have calmed him down. I think that this is MKB's doing as they were talking about it far too much last night. MKB said "when this man comes in, give me a ring and I'll come down" I tried not to laugh. A hard gangsta man MKB is not.
Anyway, mini drama of the day over, what else can I bore you with?
Im only on my second day of my 'giving up chocolate and cake for lent' thing, its proving hard. I found myself in Tescos with a Double Decker in hand at the check out before I remembered and had to go and put it back. Boo- Hiss.
I waited 2.5hours downstairs yesterday afternoon for this nasty man who comes in to tell him that he was barred. 2.5 hours and no show...its like he knew. I missed Neighbours and everything.
Anyway, he came in about 12.30 today. He is usually in most afternoons, has a few carling and sits in the part of the bar I like to call the VIP area. Ha ha ha. He is a most unpleasent chap, very opinionated and likes to interrupt peoples conversations with his "f"ing this and "f"ing that. He is nothing more than a thick bully.
He had a go at Gareth that drinks red wine, complaining that his hearing aid was whistling and disturbing him. Has been very rude to my favourite Stan and then in turn to Dudley. (no one tells me this...I try and steer clear of the pub in the afternoon). Last straw was the fantastically blind Blind Tony. Seems an arguement errupted over when Pan's People started on Top Of The Pops which ended with him threatening Blind Tony by telling him he was going to shove his head through a wall or words to that effect.
Anyway, I was most diplomatic. Infact, if I ever had to be barred from anywhere I wouldn't mind being barred by me.
I simply told him I had had a number of complaints about his language, attitude and somewhat threatening behavior.I told him it wouldnt be tolorated and it would be better if he found himself somewhere else to drink as he was no longer welcome here. He asked who by? I said it didnt matter although he should be aware that it came from more than 3 different people. He kicked up no fuss and left
Meanwhile BT has worked himself up into a bit of a state thinking that he is going to be jumped or something. I have calmed him down. I think that this is MKB's doing as they were talking about it far too much last night. MKB said "when this man comes in, give me a ring and I'll come down" I tried not to laugh. A hard gangsta man MKB is not.
Anyway, mini drama of the day over, what else can I bore you with?
Im only on my second day of my 'giving up chocolate and cake for lent' thing, its proving hard. I found myself in Tescos with a Double Decker in hand at the check out before I remembered and had to go and put it back. Boo- Hiss.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
TIC TAC CAT
"he has all the charm of an armpit"-Nina Myskow
----------------------
MKB is up before the judge a week today on his drink driving charge (he got collared one Sunday morning before Christmas).
"Before Christmas?" I hear you cry.
Yes, before Christmas.
He has had it adjourned 2 or 3 times I think.
Anyway, before you start thinking that I am being sly and accuse me of doing this in bad taste I asked MKB (king of the urban surf) if he minded me opening a book on the verdict. He says that it is ok....
MKB does time.....100/30
MKB loses his licence.....Evens
MKB loses his licence and gets 1-3 points....4/11
MKB loses his licence and gets 4-6 points....3/1
MKB loses his licence and gets 7-9 points...7/1
MKB gets off scot free.....4/1
Ladies and Gentlemen, place your bets.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
HUNGRY TROUSERS
Just when I thought Jeremy had stopped chewing things.....
Yes, hes gone and eaten the crotch out of a pair of my jeans.
Of course, I wasnt wearing them at the time.
It must have something to do with the new diet I have put him on since the vet told me he was too fat.
I wouldn't have thought he was that hungry though.
I wonder if Britney would like them? She likes showing the "hoof"and it would take the attention off her Bash Street Kids hair do.
Yes, hes gone and eaten the crotch out of a pair of my jeans.Of course, I wasnt wearing them at the time.
It must have something to do with the new diet I have put him on since the vet told me he was too fat.
I wouldn't have thought he was that hungry though.
I wonder if Britney would like them? She likes showing the "hoof"and it would take the attention off her Bash Street Kids hair do.
Monday, February 19, 2007
BUGGER, YET AGAIN
I dropped my phone in the drip tray, the srceen is knackered.
Im hoping it will dry out like last time but maybe I have used up my luck on that front.
Im tucking into a bag of goodies from Hotel Chocolat.
Its making it seem not so bad.
Im hoping it will dry out like last time but maybe I have used up my luck on that front.
Im tucking into a bag of goodies from Hotel Chocolat.
Its making it seem not so bad.
GRASS!
Seems back in the day I had no problems about grassing my friends up.Even though it was 25 years ago, I can still kind of remember it. It wasn't a real rabbit.It was one of those furry things that opened its arms when you pinched its back, it had a human face. Were they called Cheekies or something? Its a little fuzzy. You would collect loads of them and clip them on things. I remember they were (in my school anyway) the craze that came after those little baby dolls (which was just a plastic baby's head sewn on a tiny brightly coloured felt body) that slept in a big matchbox with a blanket and came before collecting little plastic Smurfs.
The more I think about it, Infant 3 was definitely my best school year. So much happened. That was the last year we got milk with those dead thin blue and white stripey straws.
At the beginning of the year I remember learning letters (with those perfectly square books that came in either red, blue or yellow and they just had the letter that they were about on the front, printed in black) but yet can clearly remember being able to spell 'jewellery' towards the end of it.
The only bad thing was I was 3rd King in the nativity play. I thought surely that was a boys roll and I wanted to be Mary. Nicola Hackney was always Mary but she was my mate and she was exactly a week older than me so it was ok.
The Sonya who brought the rabbit in left St Edwards before Junior 4. The last time I saw her she was on Blind Date and was the picker. I think she was running a pub in Birmingham then.
(Ok Cress, I hope I have given you enough material to take the piss out of me later)
3RD TIME UNLUCKY
Took the beagle to the vets again. It was the third different vet in as many visits...no hang on it was his 4th arse appointment.
Each of them did it differently. Todays vet used gloves and lube. The first vet just used tissue and the lady in the middle used gloves and tissue. Todays was the best. He gave him a checking over with his stethoscope and everything - the other 2 didn't do anything.
So, he is on different antibiotics, has to go back on Friday and if its not improved then they might have to sedate him and flush them out.
I hope that doesn't have to happen.
Each of them did it differently. Todays vet used gloves and lube. The first vet just used tissue and the lady in the middle used gloves and tissue. Todays was the best. He gave him a checking over with his stethoscope and everything - the other 2 didn't do anything.
So, he is on different antibiotics, has to go back on Friday and if its not improved then they might have to sedate him and flush them out.
I hope that doesn't have to happen.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Every single 6 weeks I promise myself that I will not leave all my boring paperwork until the last minute, yet here I am again ruining my night off by having to do it for tomorrow morning.And, even though I have loads to do tomorrow you just know I'm going to have to finish it then and blag a way of handing it in on Tuesday.I am so shit with time management its untrue. Its made more annoying by the fact that I was looking forward to a day on the lash tomorrow but now I've got all this to do. Why do I waste my time with tv? Damn you JB Fletcher and Dr Mark Sloan.
To top it all,Jeremy the bloody beagle has just messed up all the receipts I had sorted out by getting amorous with his furry shag piece of a hat on top of them (My office is so messy I opted to sort them out in front of the telly. Big mistake)
I need a breather.
Met Jane this evening after work to discuss plans for Claires hen do. We have agreed on NO penis straws,no matching hats/home printed slogan t-shirts,L plates etc. Im glad we are on the same wave length.
Pub wise not much has happened today. I refused this young looking lad beer cos he had no ID and had his trousers tucked into his socks. Surely no one over 18 does that do they? Well, thats what I told him. He looked quite blank when I gave him my reasons.I think that means I was right.
To top it all,Jeremy the bloody beagle has just messed up all the receipts I had sorted out by getting amorous with his furry shag piece of a hat on top of them (My office is so messy I opted to sort them out in front of the telly. Big mistake)
I need a breather.
Met Jane this evening after work to discuss plans for Claires hen do. We have agreed on NO penis straws,no matching hats/home printed slogan t-shirts,L plates etc. Im glad we are on the same wave length.
Pub wise not much has happened today. I refused this young looking lad beer cos he had no ID and had his trousers tucked into his socks. Surely no one over 18 does that do they? Well, thats what I told him. He looked quite blank when I gave him my reasons.I think that means I was right.
F**K YOU EDMUNDS
There is a reason why I dont play fruit machines.
Its because I cannot play fruit machines. Well, I can put the money in - its the taking it out I have a problem with.
I am a sucker. Just put my last two nights tips in, and then a further £10 after everyone had gone and fell for Noels Deal Or No Deal fruit machine.
You can pick what stake you want to play.
10p, 30p or the "super game" at 50p a go.
Surprise surprise...guess which one I picked?!
You're damn right.
Noel, if you are reading,...its really not a super game.
Really not.
Really,
Not.
Its because I cannot play fruit machines. Well, I can put the money in - its the taking it out I have a problem with.
I am a sucker. Just put my last two nights tips in, and then a further £10 after everyone had gone and fell for Noels Deal Or No Deal fruit machine.
You can pick what stake you want to play.
10p, 30p or the "super game" at 50p a go.
Surprise surprise...guess which one I picked?!
You're damn right.
Noel, if you are reading,...its really not a super game.
Really not.
Really,
Not.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
MACCLESFIELD UPDATE
I just saw Wigan sat on the wall opposite Tescos with a walking stick.
Last time I saw Wigan he was in a wheelchair after having a stroke whilst "on the job" with his bird on Boxing Day.Nice.
Paul has just asked Shell to marry him. \down on one knee in the pub, ring, champagne and everything.
She said yes.
Albert witnessed Harry (with the long ears, biker jacket and horse brasses) steal money from the urinals.
More news at 11
Last time I saw Wigan he was in a wheelchair after having a stroke whilst "on the job" with his bird on Boxing Day.Nice.
Paul has just asked Shell to marry him. \down on one knee in the pub, ring, champagne and everything.
She said yes.
Albert witnessed Harry (with the long ears, biker jacket and horse brasses) steal money from the urinals.
More news at 11
TUESDAYS KNICKERS
God, do you remember the "Trick-Stick"? I got mine from Poundstretcher, I thought I was ace on it although looking back I was pretty shit. I just remembered, Fay Lucas used to do the add on tv for it. I wanted to be like Fay! As for the 20 easter eggs - such a lie*. I think I was showing off. Don't ever remember getting 20 easter eggs!Good to see I am interested in world affairs though by reporting BA's financial difficulties.
Now, I don't recall there being any 'kock' out at my holy communion, but it seems I thought quite alot of myself on 9th June 1982, I don't remember talking like a yardie at that time though.
Even at 7 this randy old maid takes a fancy to the boys from the secondary school
Loving my crayoning.
The pictures go on and on, and aren't as hilarious as I thought.
Two times I have written that "I am in a new place" with a picture of a desk so I guess I talked alot and got moved.
The only time I ever ran away from school was in infant 3. I bumped into mu Mom on the way home and tried to convince her that they let me out early. She made me ring my teacher at home that night to apologise and I had to stay in all dinner and playtimes for the next week cleaning her store room. She ended up being my favourite teacher ever and I cried when she left to teach kids in Jakarta or where ever.
I wonder if Mrs Lazenby is still alive? She was so cool.
She used to shake kids by the shoulders and call them "useless lumps of proto-plasm" and rub their nose in chalk off the board.
Incidentally, this is not why I ran away. I never had that done to me, the kids that did usually pissed themselves. You could tell this because she would ask for them to stay behind when the bell went ,when you returned in from break there was a wet mop trail weaving in and out of chairs from where she was last talking to the person at the front of the class to the toilets at the back of the room.
No, I ran away because the Head shouted at me for wasting sticky paper by cutting my shapes out of the middle of the piece and therefore wasting the sheet, instead of cutting my shapes out from the side.
I think I may have over-reacted.
Infant 3 was also the time I wore a leotard for P.E. I had not thought it through and when I put it on you could see my knickers...so I of course took them off. When I returned from P.E. I couldn't find my knickers. I remember this was a really big thing at the time. My Mom later found them in my coat pocket.
She told me the morning before that I could not take my leotard to school so I had to try and explain why at 7 I was returning home with no knickers. The shame. I couldn't get out of it cos I was wearing those knickers with the day of the week on them, she knew it was Tuesday!
* I didnt think I started lying until Junior 1. Most of my best porkies were told then. That was the year I also got done for bullying. Junior 1 was not as good as Infant 3, Junior 1 was all the Falklands, books about pirates, binary code (wtf? why try and teach that to 8 years olds?) and the year I killed the oldest plant in the school with powder paint. More on that later.
THE GALLERY
Here is my absolute favourite.
Why the school didnt get the social involved is beyond me....
I am particually proud of the fact that my supposedly drunken yellow father is dreaming of dimpled pint pots, but its the creepy calls of "g-g-g-ghost "coming from behind the door that I find the most alarming.
BUY SOME CHOPS BEFORE YOU GO-GO
I still don't get it.
What is with the buchers stall on Churchill Way carpark on a Saturday?
Does he really need a microphone/Bobby Brown head set? S'pose it is his prerogative,(had to spell check that one!) I wonder if he is wearing white cycling shorts under his red and white stripey apron?
Every Saturday on my way back from the bank (where every week I ignore Selina and she ignores me) he is there on the car park. You hear him before you see him, with his "bang in the lamb" and his "you look like a thigh man".
Today he had the biggest audience I have seen yet. 4 deep.It took me back to that time I went to South Park for the Radio One Roadshow with Peter Powell and Wham! They had a white van thing too.I only got to see them from a distance but to be honest I was more impressed with the big inflatable tube thing I had.
When was that anyway?
I was well young. Think it was about the time the Pope came over and we all had those yellow and white striped periscope things with the mirrors in them - never knew why I had one, I never even went to where he was.
I came across an old school book of mine from that time. I was in Infant 3 so I think that made me 6. Remember those diary books you had to fill in in the morning at primary school? Mine is hilarious. I remember that either you got to write something yourself or copy what the teacher had written on the blackboard. If you didnt know this and you didnt know I went to a catholic school then you would think I had a bizarre pope obsession as everyother entry is about the Pope. The Pope was big news at St Edwards in 1980whatever.
I wonder where I put it? I might put a few of my favourites up if I can find it.
What is with the buchers stall on Churchill Way carpark on a Saturday?
Does he really need a microphone/Bobby Brown head set? S'pose it is his prerogative,(had to spell check that one!) I wonder if he is wearing white cycling shorts under his red and white stripey apron?
Every Saturday on my way back from the bank (where every week I ignore Selina and she ignores me) he is there on the car park. You hear him before you see him, with his "bang in the lamb" and his "you look like a thigh man".
Today he had the biggest audience I have seen yet. 4 deep.It took me back to that time I went to South Park for the Radio One Roadshow with Peter Powell and Wham! They had a white van thing too.I only got to see them from a distance but to be honest I was more impressed with the big inflatable tube thing I had.
When was that anyway?
I was well young. Think it was about the time the Pope came over and we all had those yellow and white striped periscope things with the mirrors in them - never knew why I had one, I never even went to where he was.
I came across an old school book of mine from that time. I was in Infant 3 so I think that made me 6. Remember those diary books you had to fill in in the morning at primary school? Mine is hilarious. I remember that either you got to write something yourself or copy what the teacher had written on the blackboard. If you didnt know this and you didnt know I went to a catholic school then you would think I had a bizarre pope obsession as everyother entry is about the Pope. The Pope was big news at St Edwards in 1980whatever.
I wonder where I put it? I might put a few of my favourites up if I can find it.
Friday, February 16, 2007
FOR ROB......
Someone has stolen a quid from the middle urinal but apart from that its a normal Friday night.
After work I am going to have a big bowl of rice krispies and bleed the radiator in my bedroom cos its beyond cold.
That is as exciting as it gets Im afraid.
Now go and fix some planes.
After work I am going to have a big bowl of rice krispies and bleed the radiator in my bedroom cos its beyond cold.
That is as exciting as it gets Im afraid.
Now go and fix some planes.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
ERM..
Greame Wilson that comes in is doing a rewrite of his first book, Macclesfield and the art of long distance walking. Its to celebrate some anniversary or something. In it he wants to write about here and some of the things I have done which make Porters as good as it is. So I need to write him a brief outline of some of the things I've done....
So far I have...
Rugby cartoon playing cards
'No money will be left in these urinals overnight'
The Porters Blimp
The free umbrellas
Fish tank in the gents
Champagne fridays (rip)
what other crap have I thought up in the last 8 years? Surely we have done more....
So far I have...
Rugby cartoon playing cards
'No money will be left in these urinals overnight'
The Porters Blimp
The free umbrellas
Fish tank in the gents
Champagne fridays (rip)
what other crap have I thought up in the last 8 years? Surely we have done more....
MORE BREAKING NEWS THAN SKY NEWS
Ijust had a phone call, it was Sky News. She tells me they have been looking at my blog. I look puzzled and wonder why she would be interested in the tar on my dogs coat. Then I wonder if the broken man from the diary of a broken man has finally broke. D'uh, then I remember my other blog - the pub blog.
She asks if the pub has been saved, I say yes but they are still knocking down the houses.She is less interested in this and trys politley to finish the conversation. Oh, ok, erm...so ..well, its good that the pub has been saved, erm. bye.
First for breaking news? Gimme a break.
She asks if the pub has been saved, I say yes but they are still knocking down the houses.She is less interested in this and trys politley to finish the conversation. Oh, ok, erm...so ..well, its good that the pub has been saved, erm. bye.
First for breaking news? Gimme a break.
USALLY I WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED
We have just had a new fruit machine delivered.
I dont do fruities therefore care little about them, however...its a Deal Or No Deal one. That my friends is quite cool.
I dont do fruities therefore care little about them, however...its a Deal Or No Deal one. That my friends is quite cool.
TAR VERY MUCH
After taking Jeremy down Cross Street he is covered in tar.
I was talking to Dug-Up Dave about it last night. He said Lard was good for tar removal.
I have never heard of this.
Then asked if I wanted to know how he found this out. (I thought it was one of those things that everyone knew but me). He began to tell me how one day he got loads in his hair at work and......
then I had to serve some customers and we never finished the conversation. I have been lying awake this morning trying to figure out how someone would accidentally come across discovering this.
I cant.
Note to self : ask Dug-Up how he got lard in his hair.
Surely rubbing lard on my already obese beagle makes me worse than being the feeder I already am.
I was talking to Dug-Up Dave about it last night. He said Lard was good for tar removal.
I have never heard of this.
Then asked if I wanted to know how he found this out. (I thought it was one of those things that everyone knew but me). He began to tell me how one day he got loads in his hair at work and......
then I had to serve some customers and we never finished the conversation. I have been lying awake this morning trying to figure out how someone would accidentally come across discovering this.
I cant.
Note to self : ask Dug-Up how he got lard in his hair.
Surely rubbing lard on my already obese beagle makes me worse than being the feeder I already am.
AFTER MUCH STUDY TONIGHT.....
I am now able to rate my fish in order of hardness.
The cock of the fish tank is Ian Beale the eel.
2nd toughest is the newly added angel fish that is white,yellow and black. I haven't named it yet which is rubbish on my behalf. He looks like a Jasper.
3rd hardest fish is the silver shark who is quite massive therefore I am surprised he is only 3rd. I'm lame at naming fish cos I just call him "the silver shark"
then its the 2 guramis(?) which are boring
and all level at the bottom the girls of the tank are Humbug the cat fish and the red nose tetras. All are weak and bobbins.
Work was amazingly quiet tonight. One can only assume that all the restaurants in town were full of couples enjoying comfortable silences. No, I'm not bitter - Valentines day couples always look to me like they don't talk much. Me, I neither sent or received any which I'm cool with - that means I am karmic ally balanced then, which can only be a good thing.
The new landlord or whatever of the Bate Hall was in, trying really hard to poach my Blind Tony. How rude. He gave him his business card (which was not in braille funnily enough) and kept telling him to come in for a pint and he would look after him. Much to Crowther's amusement I took this personally as if he was implying he was not looked after here. Anyway, he was a bit leathered so I will let it slip this time.
Congratulations to the Winehouse. I knew she would win it.
Have asked around- no one knows Christian Hill. But I am now inspired to write my own screenplay for a hollywood blockbuster. It will be about a girl who comes across a random blog and follows it for time. The blogs author will be telling loads of lies that the girl believes and becomes obsessed with and will end out doing the murders that the author pretends to do. Then they will accidentally meet somwehere and not know of thier connection, someother stuff will happen and then I will think of a fantastic ending. Very much a work in progress but I want Willem DaFoe and Keira Knightley to star. Cameo by R Kelly and erm, Russel Brand can play the child catcher, oh no, hang on...thats Chitty -chitty-bang-bang
The cock of the fish tank is Ian Beale the eel.
2nd toughest is the newly added angel fish that is white,yellow and black. I haven't named it yet which is rubbish on my behalf. He looks like a Jasper.
3rd hardest fish is the silver shark who is quite massive therefore I am surprised he is only 3rd. I'm lame at naming fish cos I just call him "the silver shark"
then its the 2 guramis(?) which are boring
and all level at the bottom the girls of the tank are Humbug the cat fish and the red nose tetras. All are weak and bobbins.
Work was amazingly quiet tonight. One can only assume that all the restaurants in town were full of couples enjoying comfortable silences. No, I'm not bitter - Valentines day couples always look to me like they don't talk much. Me, I neither sent or received any which I'm cool with - that means I am karmic ally balanced then, which can only be a good thing.
The new landlord or whatever of the Bate Hall was in, trying really hard to poach my Blind Tony. How rude. He gave him his business card (which was not in braille funnily enough) and kept telling him to come in for a pint and he would look after him. Much to Crowther's amusement I took this personally as if he was implying he was not looked after here. Anyway, he was a bit leathered so I will let it slip this time.
Congratulations to the Winehouse. I knew she would win it.
Have asked around- no one knows Christian Hill. But I am now inspired to write my own screenplay for a hollywood blockbuster. It will be about a girl who comes across a random blog and follows it for time. The blogs author will be telling loads of lies that the girl believes and becomes obsessed with and will end out doing the murders that the author pretends to do. Then they will accidentally meet somwehere and not know of thier connection, someother stuff will happen and then I will think of a fantastic ending. Very much a work in progress but I want Willem DaFoe and Keira Knightley to star. Cameo by R Kelly and erm, Russel Brand can play the child catcher, oh no, hang on...thats Chitty -chitty-bang-bang
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
SMALL WORLD
You know how sometimes, when you are bored and full of red bull with nothing else to do, you randomly flick through blogs. Well, after work I couldn't sleep and came across this incredibly long one about some man whos wife had left him. Now, it does go on a bit and I did scroll through quite alot. Anyway, seems he hired a private investigator to find out who his ex was now seeing and the guy lives down the road from me. Well, 252 Park Lane to be exact! Sounds like the author man lives near Sheffield. It goes on a bit but its quite insightful its http://diary-of-a-broken-man.blogspot.com/
by the way, I am calmer now than before.
by the way, I am calmer now than before.
AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH
F***
C***
W***
S***
Despite me reporting the fraudulent activity on my paypal account and contacting the sellers - one of who said they were not going to take the money because they accepted it was fraud,- PayPal have still taken £155.99 and £161.80 out of my account making me now overdrawn. Now I know the bank wont charge me for this- cos they are nice people and even though the nice speaking irish lady who I eventually got through to at paypal after 11 minutes was sympathetic, I am still amazingly annoyed.
They acknowledge that I didnt buy them, apparentley its "not a problem " and the money will be refunded.
Not a problem?
Not a problem?
Well, actually IT IS A PROBLEM.
A GREAT BIG FAT HAIRY PROBLEM, WITH SCABS ON.
I would kind of like MY money in MY account and not spend all flipping day getting bank charges reversed and going aroung in circles in some dead end "press 1 if you would like to be sent to another menu that goes no fucking where".
TITS
Apparently it could take 5 days.
AARRGGGHHHHHHHH
And I was in such a good mood before all of this.
Bah!
C***
W***
S***
Despite me reporting the fraudulent activity on my paypal account and contacting the sellers - one of who said they were not going to take the money because they accepted it was fraud,- PayPal have still taken £155.99 and £161.80 out of my account making me now overdrawn. Now I know the bank wont charge me for this- cos they are nice people and even though the nice speaking irish lady who I eventually got through to at paypal after 11 minutes was sympathetic, I am still amazingly annoyed.
They acknowledge that I didnt buy them, apparentley its "not a problem " and the money will be refunded.
Not a problem?
Not a problem?
Well, actually IT IS A PROBLEM.
A GREAT BIG FAT HAIRY PROBLEM, WITH SCABS ON.
I would kind of like MY money in MY account and not spend all flipping day getting bank charges reversed and going aroung in circles in some dead end "press 1 if you would like to be sent to another menu that goes no fucking where".
TITS
Apparently it could take 5 days.
AARRGGGHHHHHHHH
And I was in such a good mood before all of this.
Bah!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
ANOTHER DRINK ABSTINENCE
I am so inspired by Kay and Linds 37 days off the booze and so uninspired by my 1 and a half day hangovers that I am not drinking now until 25th.
I have pure work on cos my Dad and brother are off to Canada tomorrow leaving me to work more in the pub. There are loads of brewery dudes in on Monday who I need to charm to see if I can get a place on that Brussells trip in May. Its looking up, I have beaten my first target - selling 2021 gallons in 4 weeks. Thats 16168 pints...not bad ey? I am doing them a favour on Monday, which I will in turn be rewarded with a few cases of wine.Woo-hoo.
So if I lay off the booze I might get some work done, then I will reward myself with a few when I go to see the Winehouse on 25th. I am so excited, I love the Winehouse.
I have pure work on cos my Dad and brother are off to Canada tomorrow leaving me to work more in the pub. There are loads of brewery dudes in on Monday who I need to charm to see if I can get a place on that Brussells trip in May. Its looking up, I have beaten my first target - selling 2021 gallons in 4 weeks. Thats 16168 pints...not bad ey? I am doing them a favour on Monday, which I will in turn be rewarded with a few cases of wine.Woo-hoo.
So if I lay off the booze I might get some work done, then I will reward myself with a few when I go to see the Winehouse on 25th. I am so excited, I love the Winehouse.
Monday, February 12, 2007
ITS NOT SO MUCH THE POSE....
...but the tongue that I find both disturbing and intreaguing.This is Trevor, he was the other terams shooting instructor. They just asked him for a picture and he strook this remarkable pose. There is dirt up in them thar hills I tells ya.
10 BOXES OF TISSUES LATER
I am still full of snot.
In other news, was Y'arnolds birthday yesterday. To mark the occasion we all went shooting at Cloudside in the freezing cold. My fingers lost all colour. Well, the finger that I broke years ago did. It was good although I am not particually gifted in shooting. We wnet on that trap when they come from out if the top of the tree over your head. I like that one.
I'm waiting for Rick (yes you Rick) to send me the picture that one of the instructors posed for.It is surprisingly rude.
Then, last night after many magners and veuve I once again pushed the pool table into the corner, dimmed the lights and showed R Kelly, again on the big screen. This time I had a box of props for people if they wanted to use them. I had a plastic gun, Linds had a shower cap and spatula, Kay had a wig, there were other guns, cherry pie and a police light.I sang the whole thing. I think I need help with my closet addiction. I went into Manchester on Friday and asked in the poster place in Afflecks if they had a R Kelly poster. If you are looking for a R Kelly poster then dont look there. He laughed. I guess R Kelly isnt "cool".
Ended up in the rock and tried to drink gangsta's only they had no
grapefruit juice. I left after moaning how the music was shit. I dont like that scrawny kid that plays the records and dances like a knob with all the girls.He wouldnt play me any N.E.R.D.
Jeremy has just been to the vets and had his glands drained again. His sack is still a bit pink.Got to go back next week.
Well, Im off out for something to eat, dont know where.Somewhere out of Macc hopefully.
In other news, was Y'arnolds birthday yesterday. To mark the occasion we all went shooting at Cloudside in the freezing cold. My fingers lost all colour. Well, the finger that I broke years ago did. It was good although I am not particually gifted in shooting. We wnet on that trap when they come from out if the top of the tree over your head. I like that one.
I'm waiting for Rick (yes you Rick) to send me the picture that one of the instructors posed for.It is surprisingly rude.
Then, last night after many magners and veuve I once again pushed the pool table into the corner, dimmed the lights and showed R Kelly, again on the big screen. This time I had a box of props for people if they wanted to use them. I had a plastic gun, Linds had a shower cap and spatula, Kay had a wig, there were other guns, cherry pie and a police light.I sang the whole thing. I think I need help with my closet addiction. I went into Manchester on Friday and asked in the poster place in Afflecks if they had a R Kelly poster. If you are looking for a R Kelly poster then dont look there. He laughed. I guess R Kelly isnt "cool".
Ended up in the rock and tried to drink gangsta's only they had no
grapefruit juice. I left after moaning how the music was shit. I dont like that scrawny kid that plays the records and dances like a knob with all the girls.He wouldnt play me any N.E.R.D.
Jeremy has just been to the vets and had his glands drained again. His sack is still a bit pink.Got to go back next week.
Well, Im off out for something to eat, dont know where.Somewhere out of Macc hopefully.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
I TRIED MY HARDEST
It was busy, there was this old guy standing at the bar and I really needed a picture of him for the blog. I have never seen anything like it before. Actually, it made me really sad.
I had my phone turned to the camera and tried to snap it. My camera is rubbish however and it was to busy I never got chance. Then, the opportunity had gone. His cigarette had gone out.
You know how some smokers can have yellow fingers?
You know how some smokers can have yellow nails and fingers?
Well, this mans finger was actually burnt/burning on his Park Drive. It was black. Black as...well, black.Smoldering away and he didn't even know.
I had my phone turned to the camera and tried to snap it. My camera is rubbish however and it was to busy I never got chance. Then, the opportunity had gone. His cigarette had gone out.
You know how some smokers can have yellow fingers?
You know how some smokers can have yellow nails and fingers?
Well, this mans finger was actually burnt/burning on his Park Drive. It was black. Black as...well, black.Smoldering away and he didn't even know.
Friday, February 09, 2007
LeeNorth07
62b Lausanne Road
London
SE15 2JB
I know where you live.I kinow where you wont be getting your ipod and software delivered.
Admittably this wont make a blind bit of difference as I am neither nails nor a gangsta so you need not sleep with one eye open.
However, I have been known to drink tequila with grapefruit juice - arguably two of the hardest drinks going therefore be a little scared
yeah mon
*throws clicks of fingers in the air*
bbrruuuupt.
62b Lausanne Road
London
SE15 2JB
I know where you live.I kinow where you wont be getting your ipod and software delivered.
Admittably this wont make a blind bit of difference as I am neither nails nor a gangsta so you need not sleep with one eye open.
However, I have been known to drink tequila with grapefruit juice - arguably two of the hardest drinks going therefore be a little scared
yeah mon
*throws clicks of fingers in the air*
bbrruuuupt.
PAINPAL
Man, its past 1am, I really do not need any of this fraud malarchy. I have got some of it refunded already, I think the rest will be done tomorrow, well I hope so anyway.
Such a pain in the arse.
Such a pain in the arse.
HELP
Im seething, I just came upstairs to find my paypal account is being used by someone else on ebay and they are buying loads of stuff, its up to £317.79 already
How the hell?
How the hell?
Thursday, February 08, 2007
IT WAS THE GYM
Well, the pool to be exact. I was fine until I went swimming in that germ ridden place. I figured it out when I was mopping this morning. I never went to the gym for the whole of last year, cos of those long hair extentions I had. I wasn't ill or coldy all last year. Yet everytime I can think of when I have had a cold I have been going to the gym (cos you cant go when you feel under the weather) what a waste of money.
Bah, Im signed up now until I leave. I'm going to be like Monk or Gillian McKeith and wipe everything first before I use it. Mind you, aren't you supposed to that already.
That picture of me in the urinals is on page 3 of the paper. Its not a good photo, but then they never are Its here What an unfortunate angle with a full chin count of four.
The Manchester Evening News have just been on the phone. Surely they cant be interested in the pennies in the urinal story I thought.
No... They have just got wind of the town redevelopement and my saving of the pub. Macclesfield coughs then Manchester sneezes...its something like that isn't it Crowther? Well, I think hes going to do something about it but I told him he should concentrate on my poor neighbours who are going to lose their houses and no one has put anything about them in the paper. Im going to drop something through their letterboxes now. Who knows...maybe I could save the whole of Roe Street before I leave after all.
On the Canada front, its -27 oC today. BRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Jeremy is at the vets for a check up at 5, his ass is looking better, thank for the concern x
Bah, Im signed up now until I leave. I'm going to be like Monk or Gillian McKeith and wipe everything first before I use it. Mind you, aren't you supposed to that already.
That picture of me in the urinals is on page 3 of the paper. Its not a good photo, but then they never are Its here What an unfortunate angle with a full chin count of four.
The Manchester Evening News have just been on the phone. Surely they cant be interested in the pennies in the urinal story I thought.
No... They have just got wind of the town redevelopement and my saving of the pub. Macclesfield coughs then Manchester sneezes...its something like that isn't it Crowther? Well, I think hes going to do something about it but I told him he should concentrate on my poor neighbours who are going to lose their houses and no one has put anything about them in the paper. Im going to drop something through their letterboxes now. Who knows...maybe I could save the whole of Roe Street before I leave after all.
On the Canada front, its -27 oC today. BRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Jeremy is at the vets for a check up at 5, his ass is looking better, thank for the concern x
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
THE PYJAMAS THAT GAVE ME FLU
My Mom took me to that factory shop in Congleton when I was about 12. There were these bargin priced pyjama/jogging suit things in terry towel. She bought me a red pair and a blue pair. They werent great but ok. As soon as I put on the red pair I became really ill. Well, flu ill. I was in bed for a few days. Then, I am not joking but when I went to wear them a few weeks later I got all poorly again. They had been washed and everything. They were definatley cursed. I made her burn them.
Sorry, I was just remembering that as I feel like shite today. I have just had a bath and put on these new pyjamas that my Mom got me for christmas. They are the same kind of red. Coincidence? Well yes, obviously! Sounds like it could be the plot for a really bad tv horror movie. "The Curse of the Congleton Pyjama" or "When Pyjamas Kill" (if I hadn't have figured out they were possessed, you never know, they could have killed me).
Well, I have swapped my shift with the fantastically lovely and flexible Liz so I can just go to bed.I think by tomorrow my voice will have totally dissappeared leaving me free to do some dirty phone line work as I will probably have that Honour Blackman thing going on.
I saw my old biology teacher in Tescos. She rolled her trolley up to me and asked me when we were going to Canada. What? Dont know how she knew, she usually ignores me. Shes a nice lady, scared me shitless at school. She never liked me cos my skirts were too short and I didnt wear a blazer. She said she liked Canada. It reminded her of pre-thatcher Britain. I didn't know what to do with that one so I just laughed. It was obvious I didnt have a clue what she was on about!
Oh, and Rob, if you are reading....dont worry about your broken pen problem. I have sorted it. Prepare to be very impressed.
Sorry, I was just remembering that as I feel like shite today. I have just had a bath and put on these new pyjamas that my Mom got me for christmas. They are the same kind of red. Coincidence? Well yes, obviously! Sounds like it could be the plot for a really bad tv horror movie. "The Curse of the Congleton Pyjama" or "When Pyjamas Kill" (if I hadn't have figured out they were possessed, you never know, they could have killed me).
Well, I have swapped my shift with the fantastically lovely and flexible Liz so I can just go to bed.I think by tomorrow my voice will have totally dissappeared leaving me free to do some dirty phone line work as I will probably have that Honour Blackman thing going on.
I saw my old biology teacher in Tescos. She rolled her trolley up to me and asked me when we were going to Canada. What? Dont know how she knew, she usually ignores me. Shes a nice lady, scared me shitless at school. She never liked me cos my skirts were too short and I didnt wear a blazer. She said she liked Canada. It reminded her of pre-thatcher Britain. I didn't know what to do with that one so I just laughed. It was obvious I didnt have a clue what she was on about!
Oh, and Rob, if you are reading....dont worry about your broken pen problem. I have sorted it. Prepare to be very impressed.
Monday, February 05, 2007
A YEAR AGO TOMORROW
Was my last alien encounter. Do you remember?I wonder if she will be back.
I have just read my old oyster selling quote of
"Would you like to buy an oyster? They make your cock hard".
Sales of the shellfish have been low of late on a Friday so I think I will go back to that campaign. It was a winner.
Incidentally I am upset that no one took me up on my challenge of making the text reading lady shock me with rude stuff. Very dissappointed. God, you try to get a bit of interaction going and what happens? Surely you cant all be working hard.
I have just read my old oyster selling quote of
"Would you like to buy an oyster? They make your cock hard".
Sales of the shellfish have been low of late on a Friday so I think I will go back to that campaign. It was a winner.
Incidentally I am upset that no one took me up on my challenge of making the text reading lady shock me with rude stuff. Very dissappointed. God, you try to get a bit of interaction going and what happens? Surely you cant all be working hard.
ITS NOT FAIR
Why wont silk fm play with me?
My alarm clock is tuned in to go off at 7am. I didnt have to get up straight away so I lay and listened to the silly thing. They played that dreadful comic relief song by Sugarbabes (who I quite like) and Girls Aloud (who we have now established I hate.)
Then they rabbited on about all the turkeys that got gases and shipped to somewhere near Leek. They asked for people to ring in with there views on the gassing of birds. I texted them "They should have gassed them Girls Aloud birds, it would have saved us from that awful song" and waited for them to read out the text number. They didnt so I just sent it to the landline.
That then reminded me of how much fun it is to text rude stuff for the landline text reader to say so I threw them a few classics about how "106.9 made my nipples hard" and got the woman to say things that needed looking up like
Botulinonia (female masturbation utilising a sausage that is often heated or lubricated)
Rantallion (a man whose scrotum hangs lower than his penis)
and the ever classic.....
Kokigami (the japanese art of wrapping a penis in a paper costume)
and can you believe they didnt even mention me. Im switching to Galaxy. Consider yourself with one less listener Silk Fm. Im bored of their Pete Doherty bashing anyway.
My alarm clock is tuned in to go off at 7am. I didnt have to get up straight away so I lay and listened to the silly thing. They played that dreadful comic relief song by Sugarbabes (who I quite like) and Girls Aloud (who we have now established I hate.)
Then they rabbited on about all the turkeys that got gases and shipped to somewhere near Leek. They asked for people to ring in with there views on the gassing of birds. I texted them "They should have gassed them Girls Aloud birds, it would have saved us from that awful song" and waited for them to read out the text number. They didnt so I just sent it to the landline.
That then reminded me of how much fun it is to text rude stuff for the landline text reader to say so I threw them a few classics about how "106.9 made my nipples hard" and got the woman to say things that needed looking up like
Botulinonia (female masturbation utilising a sausage that is often heated or lubricated)
Rantallion (a man whose scrotum hangs lower than his penis)
and the ever classic.....
Kokigami (the japanese art of wrapping a penis in a paper costume)
and can you believe they didnt even mention me. Im switching to Galaxy. Consider yourself with one less listener Silk Fm. Im bored of their Pete Doherty bashing anyway.
BEAGLE BUM
(as I like to sing to the tune of Blurs "Beetle Bum")
Just been to the vets. All is well and only cost £49. He gave it a bit of a squeeze, administered an injection, gave me some tablets and cream for his ruby red bollocks. I called them "testicles" when I pointed out their shocking colour, the vet chose "scrotum" which made me feel like I used the wrong word.
But, the shame of it. I can see myself in The Sun already on the "Overweight Pets" page. Yes, the beagle is a porker. 10lb over weight.10lb?! thats bloody loads You would think that after all the day time tv I have watched I wouldn't be a feeder, but I am. Oh, the shame.
I went out after work last night and drank guinness in Kusch with Rob who fixes aeroplanes.Apparentley they use normal sized spanners not giant ones like I imagined they would do. I must have been dehydrated in my sleep cos I had one of those dehydration dreams.You know the ones.... I walked on to this platform where this man gave me and another competitor a big pint of ice cold coke. I drank mine first, then had another and therefore won the "who can drink a pint of coke the fastest competition" that I was competing in.
Just been to the vets. All is well and only cost £49. He gave it a bit of a squeeze, administered an injection, gave me some tablets and cream for his ruby red bollocks. I called them "testicles" when I pointed out their shocking colour, the vet chose "scrotum" which made me feel like I used the wrong word.
But, the shame of it. I can see myself in The Sun already on the "Overweight Pets" page. Yes, the beagle is a porker. 10lb over weight.10lb?! thats bloody loads You would think that after all the day time tv I have watched I wouldn't be a feeder, but I am. Oh, the shame.
I went out after work last night and drank guinness in Kusch with Rob who fixes aeroplanes.Apparentley they use normal sized spanners not giant ones like I imagined they would do. I must have been dehydrated in my sleep cos I had one of those dehydration dreams.You know the ones.... I walked on to this platform where this man gave me and another competitor a big pint of ice cold coke. I drank mine first, then had another and therefore won the "who can drink a pint of coke the fastest competition" that I was competing in.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
DONT DO IT BENSON....DON'T JUMP
Seems Jeremy's bad ass if making Benson contemplate suicide.
I have tried to talk him down but its not working.
A jumbone didn't tempt him, Tesco value ham wouldn't coax him away from the edge. Does he not know its the not the answer?
I have told him how hard it will be on the ones he leaves behind.
"Its far from painless, regardless what The Manic Street Preachers told you" I cried, but hes still there.
On the plus side, I can go up and down the stairs easier now he has come away from the door!
DOG BUM UPDATE
Things are moving fast.....
Yesterday it was pinkish,
Last night it was red and swollen,
This morning he wouldn't move,
Then he chew at it, it burst and bled.
Now he is running aroung happy as anything but rubbing it on the floor everynow and again. Its oozing puss and smells. It really smells, I'm zoflora-ing everywhere, febreeze bottles in both my hands, like some sort of cleaning spiderman.I have taken a picture of the swelling and puss and will post it when I think everyone has had their breakfast.
But now I have another worry. Benson (whos ass is in working order) has gone mental. I think he knows Jeremy is ill and it has freaked him out. He just runs to the bottom of the stairs and sits there and wont move.
Tell me please anyone reading this who has two dogs, if one is ill does the other one act weird?
Yesterday it was pinkish,
Last night it was red and swollen,
This morning he wouldn't move,
Then he chew at it, it burst and bled.
Now he is running aroung happy as anything but rubbing it on the floor everynow and again. Its oozing puss and smells. It really smells, I'm zoflora-ing everywhere, febreeze bottles in both my hands, like some sort of cleaning spiderman.I have taken a picture of the swelling and puss and will post it when I think everyone has had their breakfast.
But now I have another worry. Benson (whos ass is in working order) has gone mental. I think he knows Jeremy is ill and it has freaked him out. He just runs to the bottom of the stairs and sits there and wont move.
Tell me please anyone reading this who has two dogs, if one is ill does the other one act weird?
ERGH
Now its burst and hes bleeding. My poor fella, he looks all sad. Looks like I'll be staying in tonight and bathing the beagles bum.
JEREMY IS NOT VERY WELL
I noticed his bum was looking a bit red yesterday. Well, this morning it is all swollen and he doesn't want to walk.
So, I marche dto 24hr Tescos for something, anything...I was thinking dewormer as he is due some only it was closed.]
Mr Tesco, Dont put big signs up saying that the shop is 24hr when it is closed at 8.30am on a Sunday. It upsets already upset people.
So I walked home, stressing my self out how its obviously cancer and hes going to die (you know, worst case senario...like you do) and consulted the internet vet....
(I will of course go to a real vet tomorrow, but I am less woried. It looks like a swollen anal gland. There are very worrying instructions about how to 'express' the gland. But I aint doing that.See here.
So, I marche dto 24hr Tescos for something, anything...I was thinking dewormer as he is due some only it was closed.]
Mr Tesco, Dont put big signs up saying that the shop is 24hr when it is closed at 8.30am on a Sunday. It upsets already upset people.
So I walked home, stressing my self out how its obviously cancer and hes going to die (you know, worst case senario...like you do) and consulted the internet vet....
(I will of course go to a real vet tomorrow, but I am less woried. It looks like a swollen anal gland. There are very worrying instructions about how to 'express' the gland. But I aint doing that.See here.
Friday, February 02, 2007
THE PORTERS HALL OF FAME
I was told by lots of different people last nigt that apparently Michael Eavis was in the pub a few weeks ago. I didn't know this, I find it hard to believe cos you'd have thought that if he was in it could only be to deliver me free back stage passes to this years Glastonbury. Needless to say I do not have such a thing.
Well, it got me to thinking of who has been in here who is famous...here is all I can remember (in no particular order)
Frank Sidebottom
Michael Eavis
Roy Cropper from Corronation Street
Peter Crouch
Mr Methane
Mutley
Drummer from Jethro Tull
Chris Boddington
Mark Williams (which was nice!)
Billys mate from Holland who was the first person to win Big Brother in Holland
Stuart from Big Brother
Come on, who am I missing? Im sure we have had more than that. Can anyone else remember anyone?
Well, it got me to thinking of who has been in here who is famous...here is all I can remember (in no particular order)
Frank Sidebottom
Michael Eavis
Roy Cropper from Corronation Street
Peter Crouch
Mr Methane
Mutley
Drummer from Jethro Tull
Chris Boddington
Mark Williams (which was nice!)
Billys mate from Holland who was the first person to win Big Brother in Holland
Stuart from Big Brother
Come on, who am I missing? Im sure we have had more than that. Can anyone else remember anyone?
IN ALL MY YEARS....
of media whoredom today must have been the worst.
The Macc Express came to do a story on the money in the urinal. They took a picture of me leaning on a urinal next to "up your nose Ray" (who funnily enough looks up your nose when you talk to him) kneeling next to a coin filled urinal whilst flicking a coin in to the 3rd urinal.It will look worse than it sounds.
I believe the word Im looking for is "E'gad"
Somehow it seems I might be going on a date on Sunday with a very patient Scottish man that I know. I should go but I bet I cancel cos I am rubbish. We shall see once I sober up.
The Macc Express came to do a story on the money in the urinal. They took a picture of me leaning on a urinal next to "up your nose Ray" (who funnily enough looks up your nose when you talk to him) kneeling next to a coin filled urinal whilst flicking a coin in to the 3rd urinal.It will look worse than it sounds.
I believe the word Im looking for is "E'gad"
Somehow it seems I might be going on a date on Sunday with a very patient Scottish man that I know. I should go but I bet I cancel cos I am rubbish. We shall see once I sober up.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
PUPPIES
Dogs, not tits.
Liz has a Bassett Hound puppy that Marlow gave her cos his wife didn't want it. Shes very cute but Jeremy doesn't like her. Like totally dude.
Annie brought her extremely cute old man puppy in last night, her shoes that matched his lead. Very Annie! I brought down the hound and again Jezza was unimpressed. How have I brought up a puppy hater? He is very good though and just stood still whilst Gus pawed at his head, I fear if it was Benson then he'd have eaten him.
I have just eaten 3 boxes of microchips. My god they are awful. I think they will be making a re apeareance shortly. Which reminds me, the Karen Carpenter story was on channel 5 the other day. I love that movie.
For a reason I dont know, but I suspect Claire probably had something to do with it, I texted Paul last night, it was quite rude. Wish I hadn't have done that now. Anyway, he says he'll come over and see me before I leave the country. I think that will be ok, closure or bullshit, whatever you call it.
Liz has a Bassett Hound puppy that Marlow gave her cos his wife didn't want it. Shes very cute but Jeremy doesn't like her. Like totally dude.
Annie brought her extremely cute old man puppy in last night, her shoes that matched his lead. Very Annie! I brought down the hound and again Jezza was unimpressed. How have I brought up a puppy hater? He is very good though and just stood still whilst Gus pawed at his head, I fear if it was Benson then he'd have eaten him.
I have just eaten 3 boxes of microchips. My god they are awful. I think they will be making a re apeareance shortly. Which reminds me, the Karen Carpenter story was on channel 5 the other day. I love that movie.
For a reason I dont know, but I suspect Claire probably had something to do with it, I texted Paul last night, it was quite rude. Wish I hadn't have done that now. Anyway, he says he'll come over and see me before I leave the country. I think that will be ok, closure or bullshit, whatever you call it.
OMG
Wine on a Wednesday, why oh why oh why?
After spending hours this morning looking for my keys I rang Claire to ask her if she remembered how we got in last night, or more importantly did she remember which set of keys I had. Unlikely as like me she didn't know if we came through the front or the back door. For some reason we ended up in her shop with the beagle and wine singing and dancing to Beyonce. Im sure that was a treat for anyone driving down Churchill Way in the early hours of the morning. Any way turns out she had taken the keys home with her.
So I walked down to meet her half way and retreave my keys. Now, I dont know if you have been down London Road/Cross Street of late but they have dug half of it up. Even though there are traffic lights there they have set up some temporary ones aswell and for some reason they have a man there, manning the extra traffic lights. I dont know why cos they seem to work fine by themselves, maybe its incase they break down.
Glynn was in the othet night saying how his work at the moment is boring. I think hes paint stripping or something. I told him about the man whose job it is to look after the traffic lights which work all by themselves and how that must be the most boring job ever so he should count himself lucky. He agreed. Well, after walking past him this morning (he now has a chair) I noticed he has been joined by another, hardly a two man job I'd have thought
After spending hours this morning looking for my keys I rang Claire to ask her if she remembered how we got in last night, or more importantly did she remember which set of keys I had. Unlikely as like me she didn't know if we came through the front or the back door. For some reason we ended up in her shop with the beagle and wine singing and dancing to Beyonce. Im sure that was a treat for anyone driving down Churchill Way in the early hours of the morning. Any way turns out she had taken the keys home with her.
So I walked down to meet her half way and retreave my keys. Now, I dont know if you have been down London Road/Cross Street of late but they have dug half of it up. Even though there are traffic lights there they have set up some temporary ones aswell and for some reason they have a man there, manning the extra traffic lights. I dont know why cos they seem to work fine by themselves, maybe its incase they break down.
Glynn was in the othet night saying how his work at the moment is boring. I think hes paint stripping or something. I told him about the man whose job it is to look after the traffic lights which work all by themselves and how that must be the most boring job ever so he should count himself lucky. He agreed. Well, after walking past him this morning (he now has a chair) I noticed he has been joined by another, hardly a two man job I'd have thought
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