I am feeling the most miserable I have done for a long time. I am bored, I am tired,I cant sleep, I do nothing, I feel rubbish. I dont know what Im doing, I dont know what I am going to do. This life changing stuff stinks. Especially when nothing is changing. Its beautiful outside today and I dont even think I can go outside. I am not liking myself much at the moment at all.

(the title thing wont work)

WHEN PEOPLE HAVEN'T POSTED FOR AGES...

Sorry, I think Im addicted to facebook

WHEN PEOPLE FIND THE LOST FEW MONTHS OF 2006

I went AWOL from the Daily Beagle for a few months around August. Well I went here which is well boring but I put all of Trapped In The Closet on it in order, so its handy for that. for some reason I cant put youtube on this one anymore.

WHEN ITS HIP TO BE SQUARE

Met Kay and Linds in The Townhouse then went to the Bate where we were joined by Annie. Bowl of nuts and seeds, bottles of wine and a pizza or 4 later from Pizza Express we ended up in Porters then, you guessed it...the place I was never going to again...Chicago Rock. Danced my pants off and had a really good night. Jesus Christed my way through Mr Brightside like a proper knob head. High light of the night for me was when Kay got MKB (yes, can you adam and eve it MKB was in th'rock?!) to ask for R Kelly whilst R Kelly was on. Loving her work.. My all time favourite Kay request was at Claires wedding when she told the DJ that if he didn't put Huey Lewis and the News on then seriously, it was going to kick off.

Saw that shit stirring Marie and said nothing about it. Well, I dont think I did anyway. I dont care anyway. She can kiss my ruby red rebel ass. Yee'haw.


You know when I move to Canada (which is now, finally beginning to freak me out a little) and I come back to visit for holidays? Do you think I will still talk the same? I hope so. I do like how I talk, Im very accentless. I'd hate to be one of those who comes back and puts on some foreign twang. You know, a bit like Manc-icity. Manc-icity for those who dont know is the phenomonom of people from arond here putting on a Manc accent which becomes stronger the further down south they go. Even I have fallen foul of it. I remember working in a vegan burger stall at that 3 day festival in Brighton asking people "do you want salad on your ber-gor". I cringe now just thinking about it. Ber-gor? For Fcuks sake.


I have lost my copy of Trapped In The Closet. I am so fed up. I think its at the pub.I think I will go down there and look for it.

WHEN MAPS DISTRACT

Some of my favourite place names in Saskatchewan

Big Beaver
Climax
Success
Superb
Eyebrow
Lucky Man
Neptune
Sanctuary
Glen McPherson
Beaver Valley
Supreme
Ebenezer
PePeekiss
Fertile
Moose Jaw
Pitman

(and my particular favourite)

Bender.

How cool would it be to live in Superb?

WHEN BEAUTY PRODUCTS ARE LIKE ANGEL DELIGHT

Superdrugs own brand face mask. The "illuminating" Raspberry one.

It's all I can do to stop me licking my own face

WHEN YOUR PET IS LIKE CLIFF RICHARD

It is with great sadness that I must report that there will be no little Jeremy puppies this year.
He was left alone with the bitch for a few days and sadly he just does not know what to do. Seemingly this is quite rare as all dogs like shagging, its only mine that does not.

See, he really is Cliff Richard.

Its nice to have him home though. I bought him a p.i.m.p red leatheresque collar with 3 row diamontes on it to celebrate his stud-dom. This was before I learnt he had not infact sealed the deal. Still, I gave it to him anyway. Jeremy could not look gayer. I kind of like it.

Took him for a walk this morning and lost my key out of my pocket somewhere on the way. After retracing my steps 4 hours later I found it on the wall opposite Sainsburys. Having a big minging Lock Ness key ring on it worked in my favour this time.

I re-ordered the crate for Jezza to travel in. I picked a bigger one thats about £120. He really is the tallest beagle in the world.

Went swimming, talked of going horse riding but it began to throw it down so decided against it.

This really is as exciting as it gets for me. I dont even have any MKB or Blind Tony stories to throw in as I haven't been in the pub.

Think I might go to Porters on Friday for a few.......

WHEN BOREDOM SETS IN

Bored.

I am so bored.

I've been unemployed for a week and three days now and I am so bored.
So very very bored, so bored of being bored I bore myself with it.

I'm that bored I still wake up at 4am cos Im too bored to sleep. Infact, life is that grim and I had nothing else to do so between 4am and 5am I organised my contact list on my mobile phone (there were a lot of duplicates.)

That is the most I have done today. Well, thats a lie, I made some carrot, celery and apple juice and watched e.r. Oh, and I had some Weetabix.

I cant even take my dog for a walk cos he still isn't here. I'm missing the stupid gay beagle. He stayed over again last night at his "girlfriends" house as he still hadn't got it on. Seemingly after he got there on Monday night he did attempt to mount her but that was as far as he got. He spent the rest of the day standing outside in the rain apparentley when he could have been in his kennel getting busy. He better do it soon, I miss him.

So, Im that bored that I am even going to go to the gym this afternoon. I know, I cant believe it either. I hate the gym. I hate it because firstly it is boring and secondly I know it will give me a cold. £10 I have a cold in 4 days. Germ filled JJB Hell Hole, and this is coming from the girl who eats food off the floor so its not like I have impeccable hyigene levels myself.

Went to Leek yesterday then had a goats cheese walnut salad at The Kings Head in Gurnett. T'was very nice indeed. John there is leaving there in 4 weeks. I lied and said I was enjoying retirement, even though its more of a long holiday.

I keep meaning to sort out a facebook thing but as I hate pictures of myself Im hard pushed to find one.

All my stuff is all over the place.
I dont know what I am doing.
I have left a well paid job where I got to see lots of people everyday to do nothing.
I miss my dog.
Its strange living back at my parents (but good cos they always have food in the cupboard and they even have a fridge.)

I cant wait til this limbo period is over.
How long can I hang around doing nothing?
I feel like going in to town and getting a job but I'm hopefully only here for a month or so and I know shortly I will have to start shipping things over.I am not looking forward to packing.
I have left so much stuff at the pub still but I dont know what to do with it. big wooden bed, massive 5 door ikea wardrobe,tv,computer,sewing machine, chest of draws,pots & pans, plates, wicker,records, so much crap that I have wasted my money on. I really dont know what to do with it. I'm eventually going to have to buy new ones cos its cheaper than sending them over.

And what about all the random crap I have kept over the years? I am such a hoarder. I'd reather lose everything to a flood or fire, then its like the decision is out of my hands.
Maybe there is a charity thing where you can donate things like that to the people who lost their stuff in Yorkshire that had no insurance. That would be a better thing to do surely?


I feel like I'm on school holidays and Neighbours isn't even on.
Im getting miserable can you tell? When will this bloody rain f%£k off?

I know I like wearing my wellies but this is ridiculous.

WHEN PEOPLE DONT KNOW WHERE TO START

Well....where do I start?

It seems Jeremy also did not know where to start. My first experimentation in the world of stud dogs was not a success. Infact, I think I am scarred for life.

We met up and drove to Claires field where they could seal the deal. Its pretty up there and if they didn't start getting it on we could always throw them in the stable together....you know- like Jesus.

Well, they ran around a bit, chased some rabbits and looked a bit keen. After half an hour of this carry on there was no action so we put them in the stable.

Now, there is one thing I will say for Jeremy. He has all that foreplay stuff nailed.Ladies, if he was a man you'd have loved it. But either my boy is a big bender or hasn't got a clue what to do.

Here comes the bad bit. I rang a dog breeding friend of mine who gave me some tips and advice. In my defence, we were getting a bit bored and I would have tried anything. Please dont make me say it, Im sure you can guess what went on. Needless to say that after I returned home (only to find I was locked out - I totally do not have this key carrying thing sorted) I had to go to the nearest pub which is of course the Flowerpot and scrub my hands. And I mean scrub.

So, I let her take Jeremy to her house for the night. Maybe he just wasn't in the mood, maybe he needs to watch a few episodes of Lassie or something else that gets dogs going. I wouldn't have thought dogs needed porn though. The other beagle, the bitch was well up for it. Shes a lovely white and tan lady called Bailey. They would indeed have beautiful puppy dogs. But why won't my dog have sex?

I went to the Queens at Bosley later with Kay and Linds for food and cider to help me forget to what I was doing an hour previous. Its strange now this morning having no hound jumping around. Im meeting her tonight to go and bring him back. She hasn't texted me so I guess he still hasn't managed it.

Two cockney owls were in a bar playing pool, one missed his shot and said "Thats two 'its mate". His mate then asked "Two 'its to who?"

I'll get my coat.

Whats red and invisible?
No tomatoes.

I thank-you

WHEN PEOPLE NEED GUIDANCE

If anyone sees me out drinking in the next few weeks and there happens to be karaoke on please, for the love of god DO NOT LET ME SING MACARTHUR PARK.(The Richard Harris version.)

I'm having flashbacks from yesterday and I remember saying that I wanted to do it. Usually that means I will automatically end up doing it when smashed.That would quite possibly be the worst thing I could ever do.

Ever.

EVER

WHEN LANGLEY FETE WAS A MILLION STRONG

I should not be allowed out.

Langley Fete was,as Stingray(RIP) would say- spiggin awesome.

As soon as someone sends me some of the pictures I will put them up. We rocked.

I found the facepaint stall and the woman went "Oh no. I saw you walk in before and thought to myself, God not her again". I asked if she would do it and she said she had only done 4 faces so she was going to pack up and go. Charming as ever and with a little monitary persuasion she soon got her sponge out and hey presto Me, Yarnold, Kay, Johnson and even Miss Heyes got Gene Simmond up. I drank too much Pale Rider then we went back to Porters. Then I think Jar Bar where I began to tell everyone how I always fancied them (which is my new thing to do when drunk). Weatherspoons and then I think the Rock where once again I wasd the only one dancing. Ended up at little Miss Johnsons house on the settee where I woke this morning under a pizza. Did not know where the hell I was.

Watched Big Brother for the first time. What the hell is that Charlie girl? Some one needs to put a hit out on her ass. I'd do time for that if someone will get me the gun. No problem.

Im proper shakey today. The beagle is getting his end away later, in a stable. I thought that would be quite nice. Very biblical.

Anyway, if love is a radio, turn up to the ten.

WHEN WEEKENDS CONFUSE

It is Langley Fete on Sunday.
I dont know what to do now.

Im working in the Millstone in about an hour. That'll be different!

WHEN DATES CHANGE

Hold the phone. It has just been pointed out to me that Langley Fete is on this Sunday. Does anyone know if this is fact?
I love Langley Fete.

WHEN SKIVING RULES

I am LOVING not having to work. I am doing nothing and its ace.

The beagles are meeting on Sunday to get it on. We are taking them to the field so they can play. If they dont look like its going to happen then I think I'll lock them in the stable. Maybe light a few candles and play some soft music. Ha ha...Im sure it'll be no problem. Jeremy was drooling when he met her last time. Unfortunately this meeting of the hounds coincides with me going out with a right saucy looking lad, but I suppose its only and hour. I cant be standing in the way of puppy love. We're putting them to each other for an hour on Monday as well. You know, just to make sure.

In other news...
I keep waking up at 4am, this I am not loving.
The internet is not working at my parents house for some reason. Also, I'm not loving this. So Im currently blogging from the home of the Johnson.Which is nice.

WHEN BEAGLES MEET

So, the beagles met.

She is smaller than Jeremy (but from what I have seen, Jeremy is the Digby of the Beagle world. There is no larger.) Bailey (the bitch) is ready on Monday/Tuesday next week so Im sending my boy out to lose his virginity and knock the little tan and white bitch up. Beautiful.

I must admit, I like being the "man" in this instance. (when I say me I of course mean the beagle).

The pleasure is mine, the baby's yours!

Jeremy was positively drooling over her. Hes well up for it, let me tell you.

Well Im off down Kusch Too now for some meal and bottle of wine offer. Just as well cos Im totally starving

WHEN PEOPLE RETURN

Now I am a lady of leisure I suppose I have no excuse to not blog.

Last week was so hectic. My last day here was mega, it was proper busy and loads of people made the effort. Thanks to everyone who came. I will put some pictures on when I get chance (and when I indeed get given some picture...me being me I didnt take any.)

I will catch up on all of that but first....big news...

1. My Veuve Clicquot wellies sold for £92 on ebay which I can not get over as you can buy them online from Malmaison.com for £60.

2. I am doing 9 days relief at the Navigation in a week or so. That'll be different

3. The best bit....I had a call from a lady who was wondering if I wanted to let my beagle get it on with her beagle and give me money for the pleasure. Yep, I'm putting him out to stud. She's done it before, knows what to do. Is bringing her bitch in at 4 today to see if they get on. I have told her that I'm not sure exactly of his sexual prowess as I have been watching him go at it hammer and tongs with a fluffy red cushion and he doesn't fill me with the hope that he would know what he is doing.

I know everyone says it changes dogs but I have since talked to loads of people who have pimped their pet and I am now under the conclusion that it is a load of bollocks just put around by the dog breeding fraternity who dont want to see anyone make any cash out of it. Well screw them. Who died and made them king of shagging dogs. My boy wants to get his end away and the money would pay for his transportation to Canada.

Jeremy Beagle - international stud. He'll be wanting to spend the day reclining on a red velvet cushion with a diamond stud in his ear drinking from a gold and diamond dog bowl.

So you see Nina, that is why I will shout you dinner tonight. I owe you big time.

WHEN BROTHERS GET THEIR SISTERS INTO GAMBLING

All I dreamt about was making a totem pole out of cardboard boxes.

So, guess what Im going to do today??

As if I didn't have enough to do.

FYI, Jeremy (the horse not the dog) came second at Ascot yesterday so I got my stake back. Its all going on Supaseus (which I backed last year and came nowhere) @11/1.

Keep em crossed.

WHEN PEOPLE BACK HORSES THE SAME NAME AS THEIR DOG

Well, thats Monday out of the way. Its my last Tuesday today and all I want to do is sleep. Jeremy is running at 4.20 at Ascot so I stuck a fiver on him. That ought to make sure he comes in last.

I've just finished my costume for Sunday by making some boots to go with it. So yeah. I'm umm-ing and ahh-ing whether to make a totempole. Im still no where near finished emptying here of all my rubbish. Two rooms to go...s'pose I better get back to it. I just cant help thinkning how I really want cake.

I think its Bensons last night here. Rick said he might take him tomorrow. I know its the best thing so I'm coping fairly well...

Only fairly well mind.