Erm...problem.

I know I dropped my mobile in the beer drip tray the other week, and then it worked fine. I dont know if it is related but now no one can hear me now when I talk (a joy to many i am sure).Other than that it works perfectly.

As I am rubbish with tings like this I was wondering, do you think it is broke and I need to buy a new one or does anyone know if its fixable. BTW, Its a W300i sony ericsson.

WITH MY LITTLE EYE

We went on holiday to Scotland ages ago, must have been 1981 or 82. We ended up driving as far as Tain in a white Ford Cortina with just three tapes - Blondie, Paul Simon and Queen and two I-spy books.

I loved I-spy books, they were well geeky. Well, my experience of the I-spy books must have payed off cos guess who I saw today? (I wont bore you with it if you cant guess....its more of a reminder for me) On Westminster Road at 15.40 whilst I was walking the dogs. Move over Petrochelli...theres a new kid in town .

By the way, what is going on? Last night and tonight were buiser than Christmas.!!?? Never right.

I SMELL THE NATIONALS

There is a picture of the pub on page 3 of the Manchester Evening News and Claire (down the road Claire) on it-about knocking down the houses. A lady from the press association has just been on the phone. Fingers crossed....this could be my 3rd appearence in the Sun tomorrow!

CONSPIRACY THEORY TIME

I have a theory.

You know how Jeremy Kyle is always giving people DNA tests ?

Do you think the show then hand over all the DNA results to the police for their records? Infact do you think the whole show is just a way to get f*ckwits to hand over their DNA sample cos most of them look like potential offenders.

Genius

CANCEL THAT

That was....

55%Booze

44% bravdo

(1% still able to do math)

I have faded quite rapidly, cant even keep down cup-a-soup. I think my organs are failing. I need paracetamol. Its def con wop again.

Last night was great. Winehouse was great. Fruli/cider/gin /carling and what ever I drank at the Irish club in Chorlton was great.The naan salad from Rusholme chippy was great.

My ability to survive the hangover.....not so great.

Cleetus, get me my gun.

CATH3RINE

Ingredients....

49% human
51% booze

Im up for getting smashed today, anybody fancy it?

IF YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE INDICISIVE...

Then spare a thought to whoever it is that goes to recycle their gin bottles at the bins in Duke Street Car Park Macclesfield.

Every Saturday morning recently when faced with the options of the
green glass bottle bank, the clear glass bottle bank and the brown glass bottle bank they keep leaving their empty blue 70cl bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin on the floor t'wixt the green and the clear bins.

I'm not in a position to give a correct ruling here, this is not my forte. But you would think that week after week after doing the same thing he/she would either leave it home, switch gin, put it in either of the other colour bins or make them in to candle holders and light their house all romantic like.

Maybe they think that the people who come and empty the bottle bins put the blue ones on the seat next to them in their truck and take them back to the depot and drop it in the special blue recycling bin. Maybe they are leaving it out so they get the hint and give us a blue bin. Maybe they believe in recycling faries who magically pick up the bottle and put it in the bin.....oh hang on...its nearly true, its me.Yes - I am that fairy. I put them in the green one.

Well, enough of this drivel. I need to get out more. I'm off out tonight to see Amy Winehouse at Manchester Academy or whatever they are calling it these days. This is good cos that means I can drink Fruli at the Kro across the road before and after! And I loves me Fruli (in a shit Ali G voice)

BEYONCE KNOWLES - YOU OWE ME 2 HOURS OF MY LIFE

OH

MY

GOD

I dont watch many films, I hardly ever go to the pictures. The last time was Walk the Line until tonight...there are no words.

It was my fault, I picked it.

I dont know why. I was feeling a bit down so I thought it sounded like a "pick me up"sort of film, instead Im worried it has pushed something important out of my brain to make room in my head to watch it. We only stayed to the end to see if R Kelly had anything to do with directing or producing it cos it well turned in to a hip-hopera half way through.

God it was awful. It was God awful. I dont ever want to hear anyone sing again. Music is now ruined for me.

More interestingly though, after Kay picked me up at 8.20 we were on our way to pick up Linds when guess who I saw in the car next to us at the lights?

Guess. Go on, you wont get it...

Only the master of lies and deception - yes it was Paul.

I was just jabbering on to Kay when I saw him over my shoulder in the car to our right. He was putting his seat belt on.Before I recognised him I went to smile cos he looked familiar (you know, like you do) but I turned away, I think, before he saw me. I had my glasses on and I doubt he would have recognised me.

So like psycho weirdo stalkers we stopped indicating left and switched to right and followed right behind them up Park Lane then right at the round-a-bout. I tried to get a look at the driver, she had a big nose, older than me and looked quite short. It was a blue P reg ford escort freedom.(I have the reg, so if anyone thinks they can find the owner....) It sounds like the girl with the kids he was seeing while I was with him. The one that his wife smacked in the face.I knew he would be with her.

I havent set eyes on him since we said goodbye outside Euston Station after we got back from Canada in August. We followed to the roundabout by Kings then I said we should leave it so we went right after they went left. I was a tad paranoid. God knows why. I always wondered how I would feel seeing him again and I am pleased to admit I had anger then intreague and then actually realised I didn't care. So I texted him just so he knew I knew where he was, I asked him why he didnt wave! Ha, that should do his head in. Needless to say he hasnt replied.

So I feel quite good. I have never laughed so much coming out of a film. I had no idea it was so utterley bad. How did I not know this? I couldnt sit through that again...not for any money. My eyes,nose and ears would be bleeding. I cant even write about how bad it became. I first knew it was going to be bad when I saw Eddie Murphy in it with all his sexual chocolateness. And how bad must that fart that Jamie Foxx kept sniffing at the end of the movie?

Or maybe it was just the film.

It stank.

TOTP, SO MUCH TO ANSWER FOR

Well, its done.

I waited 2.5hours downstairs yesterday afternoon for this nasty man who comes in to tell him that he was barred. 2.5 hours and no show...its like he knew. I missed Neighbours and everything.

Anyway, he came in about 12.30 today. He is usually in most afternoons, has a few carling and sits in the part of the bar I like to call the VIP area. Ha ha ha. He is a most unpleasent chap, very opinionated and likes to interrupt peoples conversations with his "f"ing this and "f"ing that. He is nothing more than a thick bully.

He had a go at Gareth that drinks red wine, complaining that his hearing aid was whistling and disturbing him. Has been very rude to my favourite Stan and then in turn to Dudley. (no one tells me this...I try and steer clear of the pub in the afternoon). Last straw was the fantastically blind Blind Tony. Seems an arguement errupted over when Pan's People started on Top Of The Pops which ended with him threatening Blind Tony by telling him he was going to shove his head through a wall or words to that effect.

Anyway, I was most diplomatic. Infact, if I ever had to be barred from anywhere I wouldn't mind being barred by me.

I simply told him I had had a number of complaints about his language, attitude and somewhat threatening behavior.I told him it wouldnt be tolorated and it would be better if he found himself somewhere else to drink as he was no longer welcome here. He asked who by? I said it didnt matter although he should be aware that it came from more than 3 different people. He kicked up no fuss and left

Meanwhile BT has worked himself up into a bit of a state thinking that he is going to be jumped or something. I have calmed him down. I think that this is MKB's doing as they were talking about it far too much last night. MKB said "when this man comes in, give me a ring and I'll come down" I tried not to laugh. A hard gangsta man MKB is not.

Anyway, mini drama of the day over, what else can I bore you with?

Im only on my second day of my 'giving up chocolate and cake for lent' thing, its proving hard. I found myself in Tescos with a Double Decker in hand at the check out before I remembered and had to go and put it back. Boo- Hiss.

TIC TAC CAT

"he has all the charm of an armpit"-Nina Myskow

----------------------

MKB is up before the judge a week today on his drink driving charge (he got collared one Sunday morning before Christmas).

"Before Christmas?" I hear you cry.
Yes, before Christmas.
He has had it adjourned 2 or 3 times I think.

Anyway, before you start thinking that I am being sly and accuse me of doing this in bad taste I asked MKB (king of the urban surf) if he minded me opening a book on the verdict. He says that it is ok....

MKB does time.....100/30

MKB loses his licence.....Evens

MKB loses his licence and gets 1-3 points....4/11

MKB loses his licence and gets 4-6 points....3/1

MKB loses his licence and gets 7-9 points...7/1

MKB gets off scot free.....4/1

Ladies and Gentlemen, place your bets.

HUNGRY TROUSERS

Just when I thought Jeremy had stopped chewing things.....


Yes, hes gone and eaten the crotch out of a pair of my jeans.
Of course, I wasnt wearing them at the time.
It must have something to do with the new diet I have put him on since the vet told me he was too fat.

I wouldn't have thought he was that hungry though.

I wonder if Britney would like them? She likes showing the "hoof"and it would take the attention off her Bash Street Kids hair do.

BUGGER, YET AGAIN

I dropped my phone in the drip tray, the srceen is knackered.
Im hoping it will dry out like last time but maybe I have used up my luck on that front.

Im tucking into a bag of goodies from Hotel Chocolat.
Its making it seem not so bad.

GRASS!

Seems back in the day I had no problems about grassing my friends up.
Even though it was 25 years ago, I can still kind of remember it. It wasn't a real rabbit.It was one of those furry things that opened its arms when you pinched its back, it had a human face. Were they called Cheekies or something? Its a little fuzzy. You would collect loads of them and clip them on things. I remember they were (in my school anyway) the craze that came after those little baby dolls (which was just a plastic baby's head sewn on a tiny brightly coloured felt body) that slept in a big matchbox with a blanket and came before collecting little plastic Smurfs.

The more I think about it, Infant 3 was definitely my best school year. So much happened. That was the last year we got milk with those dead thin blue and white stripey straws.
At the beginning of the year I remember learning letters (with those perfectly square books that came in either red, blue or yellow and they just had the letter that they were about on the front, printed in black) but yet can clearly remember being able to spell 'jewellery' towards the end of it.

The only bad thing was I was 3rd King in the nativity play. I thought surely that was a boys roll and I wanted to be Mary. Nicola Hackney was always Mary but she was my mate and she was exactly a week older than me so it was ok.

The Sonya who brought the rabbit in left St Edwards before Junior 4. The last time I saw her she was on Blind Date and was the picker. I think she was running a pub in Birmingham then.

(Ok Cress, I hope I have given you enough material to take the piss out of me later)

3RD TIME UNLUCKY

Took the beagle to the vets again. It was the third different vet in as many visits...no hang on it was his 4th arse appointment.

Each of them did it differently. Todays vet used gloves and lube. The first vet just used tissue and the lady in the middle used gloves and tissue. Todays was the best. He gave him a checking over with his stethoscope and everything - the other 2 didn't do anything.

So, he is on different antibiotics, has to go back on Friday and if its not improved then they might have to sedate him and flush them out.

I hope that doesn't have to happen.

Every single 6 weeks I promise myself that I will not leave all my boring paperwork until the last minute, yet here I am again ruining my night off by having to do it for tomorrow morning.And, even though I have loads to do tomorrow you just know I'm going to have to finish it then and blag a way of handing it in on Tuesday.I am so shit with time management its untrue. Its made more annoying by the fact that I was looking forward to a day on the lash tomorrow but now I've got all this to do. Why do I waste my time with tv? Damn you JB Fletcher and Dr Mark Sloan.

To top it all,Jeremy the bloody beagle has just messed up all the receipts I had sorted out by getting amorous with his furry shag piece of a hat on top of them (My office is so messy I opted to sort them out in front of the telly. Big mistake)

I need a breather.

Met Jane this evening after work to discuss plans for Claires hen do. We have agreed on NO penis straws,no matching hats/home printed slogan t-shirts,L plates etc. Im glad we are on the same wave length.

Pub wise not much has happened today. I refused this young looking lad beer cos he had no ID and had his trousers tucked into his socks. Surely no one over 18 does that do they? Well, thats what I told him. He looked quite blank when I gave him my reasons.I think that means I was right.

F**K YOU EDMUNDS

There is a reason why I dont play fruit machines.

Its because I cannot play fruit machines. Well, I can put the money in - its the taking it out I have a problem with.

I am a sucker. Just put my last two nights tips in, and then a further £10 after everyone had gone and fell for Noels Deal Or No Deal fruit machine.
You can pick what stake you want to play.
10p, 30p or the "super game" at 50p a go.

Surprise surprise...guess which one I picked?!
You're damn right.

Noel, if you are reading,...its really not a super game.

Really not.

Really,

Not.

MACCLESFIELD UPDATE

I just saw Wigan sat on the wall opposite Tescos with a walking stick.
Last time I saw Wigan he was in a wheelchair after having a stroke whilst "on the job" with his bird on Boxing Day.Nice.

Paul has just asked Shell to marry him. \down on one knee in the pub, ring, champagne and everything.
She said yes.

Albert witnessed Harry (with the long ears, biker jacket and horse brasses) steal money from the urinals.

More news at 11

TUESDAYS KNICKERS

God, do you remember the "Trick-Stick"? I got mine from Poundstretcher, I thought I was ace on it although looking back I was pretty shit. I just remembered, Fay Lucas used to do the add on tv for it. I wanted to be like Fay! As for the 20 easter eggs - such a lie*. I think I was showing off. Don't ever remember getting 20 easter eggs!

Good to see I am interested in world affairs though by reporting BA's financial difficulties.
Now, I don't recall there being any 'kock' out at my holy communion, but it seems I thought quite alot of myself on 9th June 1982, I don't remember talking like a yardie at that time though.
Even at 7 this randy old maid takes a fancy to the boys from the secondary school

Loving my crayoning.

The pictures go on and on, and aren't as hilarious as I thought.

Two times I have written that "I am in a new place" with a picture of a desk so I guess I talked alot and got moved.

The only time I ever ran away from school was in infant 3. I bumped into mu Mom on the way home and tried to convince her that they let me out early. She made me ring my teacher at home that night to apologise and I had to stay in all dinner and playtimes for the next week cleaning her store room. She ended up being my favourite teacher ever and I cried when she left to teach kids in Jakarta or where ever.

I wonder if Mrs Lazenby is still alive? She was so cool.

She used to shake kids by the shoulders and call them "useless lumps of proto-plasm" and rub their nose in chalk off the board.

Incidentally, this is not why I ran away. I never had that done to me, the kids that did usually pissed themselves. You could tell this because she would ask for them to stay behind when the bell went ,when you returned in from break there was a wet mop trail weaving in and out of chairs from where she was last talking to the person at the front of the class to the toilets at the back of the room.

No, I ran away because the Head shouted at me for wasting sticky paper by cutting my shapes out of the middle of the piece and therefore wasting the sheet, instead of cutting my shapes out from the side.

I think I may have over-reacted.

Infant 3 was also the time I wore a leotard for P.E. I had not thought it through and when I put it on you could see my knickers...so I of course took them off. When I returned from P.E. I couldn't find my knickers. I remember this was a really big thing at the time. My Mom later found them in my coat pocket.

She told me the morning before that I could not take my leotard to school so I had to try and explain why at 7 I was returning home with no knickers. The shame. I couldn't get out of it cos I was wearing those knickers with the day of the week on them, she knew it was Tuesday!

* I didnt think I started lying until Junior 1. Most of my best porkies were told then. That was the year I also got done for bullying. Junior 1 was not as good as Infant 3, Junior 1 was all the Falklands, books about pirates, binary code (wtf? why try and teach that to 8 years olds?) and the year I killed the oldest plant in the school with powder paint. More on that later.

THE GALLERY

Here is my absolute favourite.

Why the school didnt get the social involved is beyond me....

I am particually proud of the fact that my supposedly drunken yellow father is dreaming of dimpled pint pots, but its the creepy calls of "g-g-g-ghost "coming from behind the door that I find the most alarming.

BUY SOME CHOPS BEFORE YOU GO-GO

I still don't get it.

What is with the buchers stall on Churchill Way carpark on a Saturday?
Does he really need a microphone/Bobby Brown head set? S'pose it is his prerogative,(had to spell check that one!) I wonder if he is wearing white cycling shorts under his red and white stripey apron?

Every Saturday on my way back from the bank (where every week I ignore Selina and she ignores me) he is there on the car park. You hear him before you see him, with his "bang in the lamb" and his "you look like a thigh man".

Today he had the biggest audience I have seen yet. 4 deep.It took me back to that time I went to South Park for the Radio One Roadshow with Peter Powell and Wham! They had a white van thing too.I only got to see them from a distance but to be honest I was more impressed with the big inflatable tube thing I had.

When was that anyway?

I was well young. Think it was about the time the Pope came over and we all had those yellow and white striped periscope things with the mirrors in them - never knew why I had one, I never even went to where he was.

I came across an old school book of mine from that time. I was in Infant 3 so I think that made me 6. Remember those diary books you had to fill in in the morning at primary school? Mine is hilarious. I remember that either you got to write something yourself or copy what the teacher had written on the blackboard. If you didnt know this and you didnt know I went to a catholic school then you would think I had a bizarre pope obsession as everyother entry is about the Pope. The Pope was big news at St Edwards in 1980whatever.

I wonder where I put it? I might put a few of my favourites up if I can find it.