WHEN MORNINGS START OFF MENTAL

CRAZY.

There is this lady that lives in Macc, I wont mention her name but she is loony. L.O.O.N.Y.
If you are from the town (esp Weston area, or you work in any job which involves receiving complaints) then you will probably know her. I have had the joy of knowing her since I worked in the Flower Pot.

First job today was at her house. Now she likes me so I thought it would be ok. She opened the door and was all pleasant, made us brews and gave us Jaffa Cakes. All was well. Then she went in to her bedroom, must have downed a load of Vodka and came out shouting and making up stuff. She rang the shop and said we were trying to make her pay more money (FYI, Brian was trying to tell her she could get a discount as she didn't need the grippers and underlay). Barking. She started going on about how we shouldn't try to "pull the wool over her eyes" cos she is a builders daughter. Screaming mental. She was absolutley pished.We were there for hours. I rang my Mom to tell her cos I knew she would find it funny as she has been on the receiving end of some of her phone call complaints at work. In the 2.5 hours we were there she was on the phone constantly (Apart from when she wasn't shouting at us) ringing up people and complaining. REALLY COMPLAINING. What about, well, about anything and everything. Some nursing home in Bournemouth really got it. I calmed her down and she paid, said everything was fine and she was happy then as soon as we left got on the phone to the shop saying how all 3 of us just sat outside smoking.(Strange as I haven't smoked for 5 years and 7 months.NutBag) She winged that much that Luigi from the shop came out to hoover her carpet. I did explain that we/they are carpet fitters and not cleaners.
She is barred from the Town Hall you know?! She's not allowed in and they have fitted locks on the doors to keep her out. She also isn't allowed in any Doctors in Macc. Thats how much of a nightmare she is.I used to have to ring taxis for her and alot of them wouldn't take her cos shes so freaking bonkers.

WHEN DATES ARE KNOWN

Blimey, its Tuesday already. Where did the days go?

I eventually felt better on Sunday after my Friday night session. It was hard work just staying up and awake at the Ivy, let me tell you. I couldn't wait to get to bed. On Sunday after a lie in (Till after 9 which is quite late for me) I took Jeremy to Wincle with Claire and we ate at The Lazy Trout. Stopped off at the Ivy, I had to pack it in cos Im running out of time - packing and all that. Watched F1 then had an early one Sunday night.

Last night I just went for one in the Pot but somehow ended up in the Brewers and Pow then around at Claire's for another Trapped In The Closet 1-23 marathon with Pizza.

And, guess what......The house has been sold. Officially. We have to be out by 16th November.Finally we have a date. I am so excited. We've been waiting for ages for this. I kind of feel like celebrating but Im tired so Im just going to have an early one again.

WHEN MOANING POSTS ARE DELETED

I got rid of that last post. God Im a dick at times.

Well, I ended up taking the dog for a walk, had too many in pow, went to toast then for a curry. Got in at 7am, that is so the opposite of what I planned to do. Consequently I am currently rough as. I was allowed home at 12 had a kip and a bath and I cant believe I have to go to work now.

Hopefully a pint will bring me round. I couldnt handle the idea of working if Johnson wasnt working too. Fortunatley she is.

I need to be in bed.

WHEN ENDS ARE LOOSE

I dont really know what to do now. I was supposed to be going to Ian Brown again tonight but its no longer happening. Its Leanne's leaving do at Toast but Im too frightened to go incase I get too smashed, which I will end up doing and I have alot to do tomorrow. I am not being ill tomorrow. Seems crap staying in on a Friday night though. I told Annie I would work with her if I wasnt Browning it tonight but I went into Porters just before and its all a bit messy. It put me off so I dont think I'll do that either.

Think I'll take the dog for a walk and think about it.

Rick was a little late for work this morning. He rang me just as we were all laughing how he had probably been arrested for running his truck on vegetable oil. I asked if he had been pulled and funnily enough he had, he was ringing from a police car. Not for the oil though, some other thing...break light or something. They were out in force the other day (the cops, dvla,customs and excercise) dipping tanks and doing everybody...even the benefit fraud team. Surely they have something better to do like arrest Ant and Dec or something!

Right, best go walk the hound.

I know, I could always make my Mum happy and get rid of the 'men at work' sign that I "borrowed" and have left at the side of the house. So tonight could be the night I do my Gene Simmonds stickers for over the face. Bet now I've thought of that I cannot find any stickey white paper. Nothing ever goes my way sometimes.

WHEN THE END IS IN SIGHT

Woo-hoo. Seems we will have a house to go to over the pond in November and the estate agent just rang and anticipates signing contracts next week giving us 2 weeks to pack then we are out of here. Now, I know we have been here before and I said I wasnt going to get excited by it again but I can't help it. Bit gutted that I wont get a Christmas do as I dont think I'll get to see December here .
Im proper excited though. About time my life got a bit more exciting than getting smashed and making a tit of myself.

The Ivy was fine last night, quiet...very quiet but cool. I do like it there - I just dont properley understand the juke box yet. Lisa is so lovely. I'm there tonight aswell, there is pool on so it should be a little busier.

My days are mostly spent talking about running diesel 4x4's on vegetable oil. I'm beginning to smell of chippy's.

Im pretty sure I'm working at the Ivy House tonight. Totally dont know what time I said. Those pictures Clinton put on facebook of Sunday night are tragic. Its always a bad sign when you are sat on the floor in pubs.

WHEN THE DAY FINALLY ARRIVES

Its been a long wait but I have just received the BEST THING EVER through the post. My week just gets better and better.

WHEN HE IS JUST A MAN

OMG, last night was immense. Ended up having a few in the Pot with PC,Kip,Dunc and Joe then set of to Derby. We got a little lost but met up with Andy and everybody finally at about 8.30. I do love Ian Brown concerts, they are just FULL of men, and they all love him, its quite strange to watch. My camera broke and I cant be arsed with the one on my phone so unfortunately I have no pictures of me and the man. We went to his dressing room later where I'm sure I ate all of Mr Browns Haribo and we drank them out of Corona. I took the big black and white photo I have of him that I got as a leaving present and he signed it for me.He asked where I got it and I told him it was a leaving present from the pub which we admitted was cool but I told him I was actually hoping for a laptop! Not my finest moment but he laughed so I guess it wasnt that bad Favourite moment for me was when this girl came in and just started shaking and started to stutter. Ian goes "are you alright?" to which she starts mumbling how she is usually a lot cooler than this and was all overcome with emotion to meet him to which he said "Why,I'm just a man." Maybe you had to be there, it was funny, I just cant tell a story.

Andy Rourke was there, I told him he looked like Mike Reid, surprisingly he had been told this before. Usually any of my look-a-likes seem to only look like someone to me.He well looked like Mike Reid, I chose not to ask about his smooth dolphin penis Proper Bo I tells thee.

So, it looks like we are going to see him again on Friday in Birmingham. Claire is up for driving then as well.I'll get some pictures then.

Back to normality this morning. Not quite as rock and roll and a little bit stressful....I got locked in the toilet as the handle broke. Hence I have had Lindsay giving me "Trapped In The Water Closet" texts. Hilarious!

WHEN I KEEP GETTING YOUNGER

I dont think there is a word to describe how pissed I was yesterday. I was a disgrace! started in Pow on cider and Jagermeister then to the White Lion where I think I organised to meet up and play crib in the Castle next Sunday. Im a proper old man I tells thee. Went to Jar Bar where we were told he (the barman) would be over in a while to take our order. Quite bizarre so we went to Spoons instead. This is where it gets hazy. Jugs of cheeky vimtos in there then went to the Blueberry. It began to get wrong in the Blueberry as I organised a breakdancing event in the back yard. I think that may explain why I am covered in bruises. Then I think it was the Ivy House, have a vague recollection on being in the Jolly Sailor and yep, you guessed it....Chicago Rock. Where I was busting some more tragic moves. I even surprisingly managed to pull which I still cant figure out cos I was foul. F.O.U.L. But isn't cider great!?

I saw Kenny in the White Lion and, check this out.... I was doing some painting at this old mans house a while ago and I was described to him as being 18 years old. I am loving that, I will be dining off that for weeks! 18, get in!

Well, I'm off to Mr Brown in a bit, proper excited about that.

WHEN THERE ARE WORSE PEOPLE THAN PATRICK KEILTY

Do you know who I hate more than Patrick Kielty?

Nicky Bloody Campbell

• that
• is
• all

I THINK i MIGHT BE QUITE POISONOUS THIS MORNING. i ALSO THINK i HAVE LEFT THE CAPS LOCK ON.bUGGER

WHEN PEOPLE ARE STILL DRUNK IN THE MORNING AND POST SHITE

Guilty

WHEN TEXT IS HUGE

WTF was that about?

WHEN PEOPLE HATE PATRICK KIELTY

I f**king hate Patrick Kielty.

Hate him.

H.A.T.E.

H.I.M

I HATE HIM

HATE HIM

HATE HIM

I really dont like him at all.
I like Jeremy Kyle more than Patrick Kielty and I despise the Kyle so imagine how much venom I have for Kielty?V.E.N.O.M.

Have I made myself clear? I will use bullets to make it clearer....

People I hate...

• Patrick Kielty
• that is all
  

WHEN LEEDS SAVE THE DAY

I believe the phrase I am looking for is "get in".

Are you ready for my betting genius? I had a fiver on Macc to win (they did) England to win (they did) Leeds to win (they did) and England to win....and you know they did. How good was that? anyway, I turned £5 into £100 so it kind of makes up for losing all that cash last night.

I was 3 pints pissed - guinness pissed - by dinner then I got changed and went to work. Work was, as Mr Marlow would say...STACKED. God, Im glad I dont work there everyday anymore. We proper ran out of glasses and it was just stupidly busy. Although, I have learnt something.....apparently Pete used to be Golden Earing's roadie (yes people, radar love!). Then I went to Preachers. Danced a little then got fluffed off and thought I'd go home. Bumped into Nick outside Sun Wi. Nick is one of the rare people I actually kind of fancy. This is quite sad cos I properley only fancy 2 two people . They both (get this) "dont want anything short and sweet" you know..... cos Im doing one to Canada. Really?! Pile of shite if ever I heard it. So from now on Im not going to tell anyone Im moving abroad. Dont think it will get me anywhere though. I had a hissy fit in Cheshire Fast Food. Well, not so much a hissy fit...they served someone else before me so I threw them the V's and walked out. Such a lady. Best not go there again!

Im still so excited about tomorrow night. Meanwhile, today I am off on the pop about town avec Claire and Anna after Chris cooks for us. Parsnips and everything! The weekend just gets better and better! Im still buzzing after winning my bet, I very rarely win anything. Woo and Yeah as they say.

WHEN CIDER LOSES YOU MONEY

Bah, only went out for afew after work last night.

Of course I ended up smashed. Lost £60 out of my pockets some how which was a pisser as it was all I have. So I cried like a drunken jeremy kyle guest for a bit. I remeber leaving the pow and was walking home. Passing the old white swan (where incidentally I was working earlier that day fact fans) I got talking to some short polish guy. We figured out that we were both iin need of booze but were penniless. Full of cider and bravado I blagged us 2 pints at the Ivy House and I have some recollection of saying I will work there 3 nights a week. Then, like a tramp who has been on the high karate aftershave I walked home whilst trying to hitch up Park Lane. Surprisingly no one picked me up.

Saw PC in pow after work today. (This is when I sound all HolyMoly on your ass....) Seemingly Ian Brown had a massive arguement with Andy Rourke and everybody last night. Its all cool now but it was pretty ugly by all accounts. I didnt know Andy Rouke was playing for Ian Brown. Now Im even more excited, I fluffin loved the Smiths I tells thee.

Well, Im off to work in the ghlorious (looks so good with a 'h' dont it?) pow now. Im on a bar crawl tomorrow then..........drum roll....the mighty Mr Brown on Monday.

i

am

soooooooooo

excited

WHEN I AM ONCE AGAIN AHEAD OF MY TIME

Bugger. I have never I have heard of a better occasion to wear my nuns outfit than this...only its next year and with any luck I wont be here.

The Songs Of Sister Act at the Palace Theatre.

I (sadly) love Sister Act.

Oh Happy Day.....wurrrrrr.

WHEN DOLPHINS ARE MONKEYS

Woo-Hoo. I had my cider fix at the Flower Pot last night with Miss Heyes and Miss Clinton, who is recovering from a bunion operation (nice scars!). Anyway, I bumped into to PC and I am sorted for backstage at Ian Brown on Monday. Sooooooo excited. Soooo very excited.I love the little monkey man!

WHEN THERE IS NOTHING TO REPORT

The walk only took me 3 hours, Jeremy got well freaked out by some cows. Strange cos hes cool with horses, if I was a dog they would all look the same to me.

Today was rather uneventful and finished a little later than normal.

I think I need some cider.

WHEN AOL TITS ME OFF FOR THE LAST TIME

Yet again my email is dead. Smell you later AOL, I'm returning to hotmail you tossers.

Half day today, I saw a proper lovely beagle today in Kerridge, just like Jeremy only about 6 kg lighter. So Im taking my slightly over weight self and my slightly over weight dog on a mammoth walk to Gawsworth, left at the croosroads to the Fools Nook then down the canal to the Puss then back through town and home. Well, not exactly mammoth, but quite long.

See, Im not even watching Murder, She Wrote!

(Incidentally, I have seen the episode 8 times - its the radio one, so its not that much of a big deal.)

Laters

WHEN GLUE IS REMOVED

Ow.
I do it all the bloody time and every time I tell myself it will be the last but no.
No I've not gone all Amy Winehouse and been self harming....well, I have kind of...I picked all my bloody false nails off this morning instead of soaking them off like you are supposed to. I'm down to about 2 layers of nail material. Its a vicious circle....my nails are shit so I sometimes stick fake ones on. This then makes my nails even worse so I have to put them on again...blah blah blah. The sun on holiday just about sorted them out only upon returning I got fed up of my man hands and stuck more on.

Well that's it I tell you. No more. I couldn't even get the battery out of my mobile today. (Ricks phone was dead and so as I seldom get calls and have had no credit since Saturday I let him use mine.)

Well, today wasn't outstanding in any way. My nails have hurt and I had a minging cake from Cheshire Gap. They were the lows. The man at the Chinese near the Blueberry gave me a can of coke and some prawn crackers when we were working there today, that was probably my only high! I'm so skint at the minute it is untrue. I am even working at Porters on Saturday night because my finances are that stacked! Holidays ey? Why do we bother?

I had the joy of watching the hour long Emmerdale with my Mum tonight as I'm staying clear of the pub. This was only entertaining as neither of us really watch Emmerdale and so kept asking each other who everyone was. Who is Linda Lusardi in it? That was the only one we couldn't figure out. It was like the blind leading the blind!

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will be going to Ian Brown on Monday in Derby. Paul said he will get him to sign my huge photo Liz gave me and I'll get a snap of me and him for my wall for when I finally leave this place. But that was last Wednesday and I haven't seen him since then to make sure. Like I said....fingers crossed. Perhaps I will call in to the Pot tomorrow to remind him.

WHEN SECURITY IS DROPPED

Ok, I am back in the public domain again. I have got over my paranoia. I think I will even make a more conscience effort to post.

Still a tad frayed from drinking last night I took the beagle to Wincle for a walk with Ms Johnson. T'was divine. I am now going to feast on a dinner of parsnips which I have cooked with maple syrup (as we have no honey) and rosemary.

Parsnips are back to the top spot on my favourite vegetables list. Apologies to broccoli.

TWAT-WATCH

That cockney shit head (boy, can I just carry a grudge?) drove past me on Chester Road about 2pm yesterday. So ladies beware...he is still in town, lock up your daughters

WHEN YOU LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE

I kep waking up early, well, 6am anyway so thought I'd take the hound out before I go to work only the lazy thing wont get up.

Well, you cant say I didnt try.

I like it when its still dark out in the am.

Latest estimate is that I am going in 7 weeks, but you of course you understand this could always change.

More news at 11.

WHEN PEOPLE RECAP

The more I think about it the more surprised I am to have finally made it home in one piece.
Me and Marisa left Kay, Yarnold, Chris and Clairey in Thailand and headed back to Hong Kong on Saturday. For the record, I am now officially OFF chinese food. Like totally dude. I cant remember what we did Saturday night, oh yeah, we went for sushi and I drank too much of something in Lychees in it. It was there across from a bar in Lan Kwai Fong that I saw a sign for sleeping pills.

Now, I don't mind flying, but I had done quite a fair bit over the last two weeks so I bought some, they came in a plastic bag of 20.

On the Sunday we walked around some shopping place whilst my vision gradually faded in my left eye (after accidentally getting contact lens solution mixed up with DEET) then we headed back so I could put my glasses on.
With not much else to do we went for a spot of reflexology at the Joy Foot Club next door. I pointed out my right big toe which had turned a worrying purple colour after I banged it doing my Tina Turner impression in Chewang two nights before. She was gentle on that toe but squeezed, rubbed and poked the life out of my calves. The we had time to go up to the peak, look at the view at night and had some food. Marisa left to go back to Sydney that evening.

It was from here on in that things went wrong. Now I always thought I was quite streetwise and savvy so spending the day negotiating trains, boats and buses by my self in HK would be ok. Well, after getting up and going out to find an ATM (cos I have a stupid card that the hotel said they couldn't take) I managed to get lost. No one understood me when I asked where "Tims Square" was. Found it, had no cash cos I had somehow apparently spent it all. Missed check out and got charged an extra $100. After a long time of me trying to explain that I had no money and therefore couldn't pay for the 2 nights and room service I owed to the good people at the Cosmopolitan Hotel they eventually decided to take my bank card.

By this time I was stressed so decided to f**k off my trip to the Big Buddha and decided not to risk being stuck penniless in Hong Kong so went to the airport, 8 hours early.

I was too early to check in and already bored after 10 minutes so I bought Take A Break and Heat magazine. In Take A Break (the Jeremy kyle of magazines) there was a letter from some Lance Corporal in Basra asking for pen pals for 'our boys overseas'....it seemed to be a good way to spend 7 hours so I bought a Hello Kitty pad and pen proceeded to write the worlds most boring and longest letter to someone I don't know about Pot Noodles and bitter. Some poor guy will be fast asleep in Basra with 20 pages of Hello Kitty paper in front of him right now as I type!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes....My plane wasn't on the board when its time came up so I asked at 3 wrong desks until I found out it had been delayed until 3.05am (so it was 3 hours 45 minutes late...and I had already been there for 8 hours.) I got a credit note from Swiss Air to apologise for the delay for $75 HKD, sounds a lot but its only in fact about a fiver.

So I drank that in Tsing Tao lager then fell asleep, got on the plane for 3am. Now, I haven't had sleeping pills before, this was my first time. I took my contact lenses out (which the rude man next to me who spoke no english, infact he didnt even grunt any form of excuse me as he pushed past me knocking one of my lenses flying), settled down for the night and took one. Some time later I woke up, turned n the screen to see where I was and I was only 2 hours into the flight so I had two more. This happened every two hours. I remember mining sleeping pills to the man next to me and offered him 2.

Next think I know I am stood in Zurich airport thinking "I need a ticket to Manchester". I was so disorientated. All the signs said 10am so I panicked thinking I had missed my flight. Walked into (literally) a help desk to ask where to go. Noticed I had already infact checked in and got my ticket, god only knows how that happened. Was told to go to desk A35. All the signs then said A35, I asked the lady which of the 20 signs I saw saying A35 it was and explained that I had had some sleeping pills. She pointed out my route and told me to get a coffee. I then walked into a handrail and next thing I'm in Manchester Airport waiting for my bag. After realising that all the other people waiting for their luggage were all red and pink I left the belt where bags were being dropped off from Spain and found my right baggage place.

Went to get a taxi, asked them If I looked stupid when they told me it was £33 for a taxi home which is only 12 miles away. Rang my Dad and told him I was going to walk home then after 10 minutes I relented and got the £33 taxi and cried all the way home cos it was so dear.

I went to bed and woke up on Wednesday sometime.

17 sleeping tablets I had had in total. I don't remember a bloody thing but what I do freaks me out cos none of it felt real. Still, I managed to make it here via another country in one piece so maybe I'm quite streetwise and savvy after all.

WHEN PEOPLE HAVE TIME TO BLOG ON HOLIDAY

Yes, it may sound sad but I need a break from the sun. Its friggin baking out again today yet still, try as I might I do believe I am going paler rather than darker. That is the thing with having freckley skin, you just get a few more freckles.

Well, what can I say, were I am at this current moment in time is undoubtably the finest place on the planet. The villa is untrue, we are the first to stay in it and its mint. 5 bedrooms, pool, beachfront, fuck off tv and sound system and the staff here are psychic and know what you want before you know you wabt it. You should check out the kitchen, wipes the floor with any thing I have seen on MTV cribs.

Well, thats Samui. It just happens to be a full moon tonight so we are getting the boat over to the full moon party. This will be my first proper night out since I have been here. Im the same as normal - whenever Im on holiday I usually prefer to laze about and go to bed early. I cant drink in hot weather, well I can drink- of course I can drink...thats my problem. i drink far too much and spend the next day throwing up. I did that in China already last week and Im not too keen to go there again. Bollocks if I seem boring or whatever, I stopped doing things that I didnt want to do a long time ago.

Hong Kong was cool, busy and kind of pricely but cool. Im back there on Saturday but I, of course do not want to leave here.Bangkok wasnt as good as I remembered it, I was caught up in the romanticness of squaller, it is a shit hole. But then Samui is better than I remembered it.

Anyway, thats enough of this....I'm chilled after my 5 quid massage so I think I'll go for a swim.

I'm just hoping that when I get back to the UK I get some good news and a date for when we leave. I have realised, I cant wait to go to Canada.I need my life to move forward.

WHEN I GO GLOBAL

Woo and yeah, Im off to Hong Kong to meet Marisa in a few hours. I've packed everything and am just waiting to go. I cant wait to snap up some Chinese bargins, I'm after a ipod touch (both of my ipods are now dead) some fancy leather boots - as I never found any at Weston Park Game Fair on Sunday. Oh, Sunday, god what a nightmare, I managed to loose my purse twice like a proper dickhead. It was playing charades in the POW from the tv listings page that made me forget it there overnight. Fortunatley I got it back!

Then, the plan is me and Marisa are in Hong Kong/China til Friday or Saturday, then spending the night in Bangkok and meeting Kay, Linds, Chris and Claire Johnson at the airport at 7am then we are all going to our kick ass villa.


Then back to HK on saturday night then I get backon Tuesday morning. So excited, so excited, cant even blog. Im rubbish at it these days anyway. Laters x

WHEN LIFE IS SLOW

Now I haven't been going out for a while I realise I have absolutley nothing to say. No pub gossip, no Tesco complaints, no nothing. I'm beginning to get bored. Infact, forget anything I may have said regarding not going out, fcuk it, I'm having a few early doors on Friday but I will go out on Saturday night. Bollocks to it. Infact, I think we are having an oyster fest on Friday in POW from 5ish if anyone fancies one.

Where was ? Oh yes, dullness....

I worked in Crewe today so got to drive about Cheshire for a while.God Crewe looks boring, its well flat isnt it? That big guy who comes in with the Copes and is, sorry was the last to leave on Saturday nights (hes a bit rough, girlfriend drinks Bacardi and diet coke and wears blue mascara.Exactly.) came all over road rage with us as we cut him up at Monks Heath crossroads. Probably the most exciting thing that happened today. I'm working in Alderley Edge tomorrow, that is all I know.

Woo-Hoo, 13 days til my Asian Vacation. Still not sure of my final destination yet.

WHEN DEFENSE CONDITIONS ARE LOWERED

Ok, I admit I may have over reacted by going to DEF CON 1 with my heightened blog security earlier. I blame Hollyoaks, something on it the other day made me go all paranoid.
Anyway, I have had a word with myself and sent out random invites. If you have had one by mistake I'm sorry,my email address book is as unorganised as my ridiculous living out of a suitcase life at the minute. You don't want to read this anyway, its pure garbage.

I actually learnt something today, quite random I know but I feel its worth sharing.
Did you know that if your stairs don't have a lip on the top bit that you stand on then they are illegal?? "Get out of town woman" I hear you say but let me tell you its a big fat F.A.C.T.
I also learnt that the wooden bits on the side of houses which run from the fascias from the front and back are called barge boards, but that's boring so forget I mentioned it.


FYI...
Seemingly dogs can travel in planes to Canada all year round, I thought my Mum made that up when she said it was March-October, so anything I have said before about that is a lie.

WHEN I GO 007

Sitemeter has made me paranoid so I have changed my settings.I dont know if it will work or not, I might go public again later but while certain people are trying to find me I think I will limit access to friends only.....

god knows why strangers would want to read it anyway.

WHEN CIGARS ARE NOT NEEDED

Nearly forgot....Jeremy is not a father.
She had a phantom pregnancy.

I wonder if phantoms are easier to housetrain than the beagle was?

WHEN PEOPLE HIT THEIR THUMB WITH A HAMMER

Ow. Does it hurt? Damn right it hurts. I popped the blood blister with a needle so it looks better at least. Thing is, its the thumb I trapped in the door last week. Ow. Not a good time for my thumb I can tell you.

In other news, Im going to Hong Kong to meet Marisa who I have not seen for years and years on 18th for 2 weeks. We are going to that 6 storey shopping centre in Shenzhen where they sell all the knock off bargains dirt cheap. Handbags, jewelery and boots...you know the stuff. Sounds so good we are staying there overnight! Then we are planning on going somewhere else for a week or so as I'm being robbed of sun this year now I'm not going to Canada until autumn/winter. I'm in need some rays before I go in to -30 land.

I dont even feel like going out at all at the moment.All I seem to do is explain why I am still here and it gets a little monotonous.



Anyway, what if the Hokey Cokey really is what its all about?

WHEN PEOPLE ARE BORING

Blimey, I am so tired. I'm still covered in glue from work and I think my palms will blister.
Check this out though...I am 4 days sober and I proper dont think I will give in and drink before my holiday.

On that front, the plan is changing. Looks like I'm going to Hong Kong to meeet Marisa then going somewhere from there for a week. Still might be Thailand, but looking into Vietnam or Hainan as well. Its still a work in progress so we shall see what happens.

I have nothing of interest to report as all I am doing at the moment is helping lay floors, sleeping and looking where to go on holiday. Looks like I will definatley be out of here by October as dogs can't travel to Canada in planes November-March cos its too cold in the hold so just incase the move is delayed due to the house sale we have agreed that I go over with Jeremy anyway.

I'm going to have to try and get this glue off me and then go to sleep. Im beyond tired.

WHEN PEOPLE HAVE A NEW PLAN

So here is the new plan.

I'm going to meet Marisa in Thailand in the end of September. I have decided to not drink booze until then and I'm going to lose 8 pounds before I go. I think the no booze thing will make sure thats possible. That way I feel like I deserve to go away.

I went to Bristol with Claire for the weekend. The weather was top.Its lovely down there, never been there before. We fell lucky with the hotel- the marriott next to the cathedral. We were right in the middle of everything. Busted some new dance moves which incorporated the squares on the carpet and a tragic move involving pretending to be pregnant. Threw in a bit of ballet bar work and impoved on my break dancing move. All in all it was as dreadful as usual but I enjoyed it.

The Wurzels are playing at Chicago Rock in Bristol on 6th (I think). Shame they werent there when I was there. After all, I love the Wurzels.

WHEN PEOPLE LIST AND DONT TELL STORIES

Wurr.

Ihave not long since woken up. I was on the settee at Kays house after a R Kelly Trapped in the balh blah blah fest. I had that whole is it Sunday is it Monday, Its Monday, I have to go to work thing.

I never made it to Peover fair, I havent had much sleep. last night I dressed up like a mime artist and made a knob out of myself in town. I have just ordered a pizza and my mouth tastes like warm badness.

Oh, and I had a fiver on the football being 1-0 to city so Im in the money.

My phone has no credit.

I went to splash landings at Alton Towers on Friday and my eyes are still stinging.

I think that is everything.

WHEN ITS CHAPTER 13

R Kelly, you crazy ass bastard. I just watched chapter 13, the man did not disappoint - crazier than a fish with titties!

I was supposed to wait till the big screening tomorrow but I just couldn't wait. He should be locked up or institutionalised or made president or something. Crazier than a fish with titties I ask you, hes a G no doubt!

www.ifc.com/trapped

WHEN PEOPLE EXPECT

I dont want to curse it but I am expecting this week coming to be one of the best weeks ever. Infact, Im hgoing to make sure it is.
I cant tell you how excited I am by the whole Trapped In The Closet thing.I feel like the saddest person in the world! Its going to be one episode realeased a day and we are all going around to Juts I think to watch it cos apparentley he can get it on a great big screen. So there is that plus the fact that I am only working 3 days along with one of my finest dressing up activities I have had for a long while planned for one night. (I wont ruin it by saying what it is, but I will definatley be taking pictures.)

If only it was sunny out today for the cricket then that would be perfect. As it is its looking grey so I think I'll have to be wearing my wellies and be sitting on binbags. Bah!

Went to Kays last night for a BBQ.Its good waking up knowing I didnt make a total drunken pratt of myself in Macc.

WHEN PEOPLE EAT PAVEMENT

I was walking to work yesterday morning. It was sunny.I was thinking what would be the best way to make the man on the road work sign look like Gene Simmonds and write underneath it something along the lines of "crazy,crazy roadworks", I had Ian Browns Deep Pile Dreams on the ipod and I had just crossed over the crossroads on Park Lane/Brown Street;. Its fair to say I wasn't fully concentrating on walking. Then, it was like slow motion, I thought shit, Im sure Im falling over and sure enough I did. Flat on my face then somehow turned so I was on my back looking up at the sky. I quickly looked around to see who was laughing at me but the road was remarkably quiet. I'd only got one of those plastic bind things wrapped around my feet. I grazed my shoulder and knee and it proper hurts today.

I haven't fallen over for ages, I felt a right tit.

Drank a ridiculous amount of cheeky vimtos all around town and ended up in Preachers.I was abit rude really to Norm by telling him to let us in for free. He did but I was out of order demanding it, think I will go and apologise later. Dont remember a thing from when I was in there. Im fading fast now though.

WHEN PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE TO SMOKE CIGARS

Are you sitting down?

I got a text last night from the owner of the beagle I tried to get Jeremy to shag. Word is that she *thinks* she is pregnant. Wooooooooo-Hoooooooo!!!!!!

I know, I know, Im so excited.

Now, I know I am probably cursing this, all she is going on is the fact that Bayley has put on alot of weight, has become bad tempered and is scrounging food like no bodies buisness. All of these symptoms she displayed when she was first pregnant apparentley.

Jeremy would have some good looking puppies, let me tell you. Sigh, and to think, I was just coming to terms with my his gay-ness. I might have to throw out that rainbow collar yet. Hes a badass muvva plucker P.I.M.P.

Work today was grand. I love being a builders labourer. Today I used power tools and everything. Helped put up a ceiling dontcha know! The randomness of Radio Cat (we have my ipod at work now) keeps us jolly and the day flys by. Tomorrow will fly past the most though as I have scored an early finish which will see me treating the team to oysters at the POW early doors after I have gone home and scrubbed the paint off me.


Next week I am only working 3 days so I might see if Miss Johnson fancies a horse ride around Tatton Park or somewhere. Thats if I can be pried of the computer, 13-22 are out on www.ifc.com on Monday after all. Woo and Yeah!

WHEN PEOPLE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THEIR BROTHER

He is trying to math me out about the life expectancy of Great Danes. He may be right. Well, he is right, I guessed 5 years he said 9. FYI, its 8. But there is no need for the math, "its 17% of your blah blah blah Cath3rine", "its 19 times more than you blah blah blah Cath3rine", "its 13/27 that something or other Cath3rine".

If he doesn't watch it I will give Crowther all his cricket team members phone numbers, that will 79% piss him off let me tell you, 97% of the blog reading population know that, Mr math-a-magician.

WHEN GIRLS MISS OUT ON THEIR FORMULATIVE YEARS

I am 32.

I have never seen Top Gun.

Tonight I started to watch it at Claires house.

I fell asleep.

I am not rock n roll.

Oh Shit!

WHEN SMALL THINGS AMUSE SMALL MINDS

Oh Shit!

I'm going to wet myself I swear.

Its here,
its on you tube,
its what I have been waiting nearly a year for.....its bloody brilliant I tells thee...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qObl4GMcnA&mode=related&search=

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the catch-up and preview of chapters 13 - 22.

Oh Shit!

Oh Shit!

Oh Shit!

Oh Shit!

Oh Shit!

Oh Shit!

Oh Shit!

Oh Shit!

See how quickly I got over my earlier disappointment of my international relocation being postponed.

Yes, I know I am a sad case.

Oh Shit!

WHEN NEWS IS BAD

Its bad news people.

The house sale has fallen through. I could cry.

After waiting over two months for the contracts to be signed the couple buying the house have nicely pulled out today. Mother chunters. Two bloody months, I cant believe it. So the likely hood of me seeing any of the summer in Canada is shot. I can see I'll still be here at Christmas at this rate.

So Im sorry Macclesfield, you havent got rid of me yet.

---------

Anyway, the weekend... Yesterday was brilliant. I went to the Tug Of War in Bosley then to the FunDay at The Queens.Then POW then the brewery for a beautiful Sunday Lunch. I was home by about 11, I was officially full of lager. Euggh.

On Saturday we bobbed in to town for that Dpercussion thang at Castlefields. It was a little like a Crimewatch aftershow party, lots of proper wrong looking folk about. I must admit I am no longer a lover of crowds. Came back to Macc and drank too much Jagermeister. I became all 10 men and went off by myself to look for the man who is bullying MKB. What for I dont know. It was whilst I was scanning the White Lion for him that I realised I was behaving like a pissed up bird after a fight so I made my way home. Got dragged into the Ivy House on my way home, 6 Coronas later I finally got home.

Anyway, I best go and walk the hound...he keeps looking at me and sighing

WHEN RHYMES WITH THEN

I'm going to that Dpercussion thing in Manchester. I am dressed for summer but it is now looking like rain. I'm not changing, bollocks to it. Although I am toying with the idea of wearing a ridiculous pair of black hairy boots.

Went to POW after work yesterday. Saw loads of people I havent seen for time. MKB is not looking well, he shared a house with this right knobhead who trashed the place and MKB had to get him arrested. He was then thrown out of his house and slept rough. Thats so bad, he is the nicest guy - even if I do take the piss out of him from time to time. WHat else? I got to the bottom of the rude text from the other night, it was a girl. Drama over, its all sorted. Went to the Thrillzone and Im having flashbacks of being in the Nags as well, thats quite random even for me. I like this Friday drinking malarchy now Im a working girl. I finally get that Friday feeling. Infact, Im feeling a bit better all round. Tomorrow Im going to the Tug Of War again, this time its at the Queens in Bosley. Its a right man fest let me tell thee.

I have been talked in to making sandwiches for the cricket next Sunday at Kerridge. My brothers side v a side of the Crowther. It better be sunny.

WHEN WANDERERS RETURN

I'm a little bored of facebook now. All that vampire/zombie/pirate/garden/fortune cookie shite is too much for me to be dealing with. Its been awhile since I wrote but then not much has happened.....

I am finally working again. Proper working, in fact I am labouring. Its pretty awesome cos I get dead dirty and get to hang about with men who swear and drink brews - its quite similar to being back in the pub (where I did 4 hours incidentally on Saturday).

This week I have been wallpaper stripping a house on St Georges Street. I am not familiar with the current laws concerning wallpaper but I hope that wood chip is now illegal.Its god awful stuff. My hands are wrecked and my wrists ache a little but on the plus side, at night I sleep like a baby. That is except for last night, it was a bloody full moon wasn't it and the beagle started baying at it at 1am. I cant see it tonight so hopefully Jeremy will allow me to sleep.

I went to see the Simpson's movie on Sunday, I fell asleep through it of course (I was swilling beer at the Tug Of War and then cider at The Toby Carvery (yes it does exist) earlier so I'm not surprised I fell asleep.) Actually apart from the Spider Pig bit - which was the highlight in the bits I stayed awake for I wasn't that excited by it. Don't get me wrong, I love the Simpson's but all it is really is a dead long one without a commercial break. Gimme the new chapters of Trapped In The Closet any day. Yes, they were promised on 24th but I hear they have been put back to 13th August.

Saturday night I got smashed after work. Embarrassingly I found myself hilarious by pretending to be a deaf cocksucker. I'm still smarting from the cringe worthy factor of this. In fact, as punishment I think I will refrain from going into any Macc pubs this Saturday. Sooner I leave this town the better, I have turned into such a knob. I wouldn't hang out with me. I then in all my drunken wisdom decided to text someone I shouldn't have. Dont get me wrong, It was what I thought was a nice text even if it was a bit unnecessary at 3.30am . Did I get a reply? Yes, I was told to Fuck Off. Erm, dont think I deserved that but don't worry...you don't have to tell me twice. That number has been deleted. Again.

Talking about men being utter bastards......guess who I saw on Friday? You wont Adam and Eve it, only my twatting ex that was married with the kids and the secret mistress and the girlfriends, the cockney fucker. I was walking home going past the Flowerpot with the hound about midday. They have those roadworks there so the traffic at the lights on Ivy Lane was backed up. About 6 cars from the lights there he was. Now I didn't see him until I was level with him, he would have seen me walking up from ages away. I haven't seen this cocksucker since last year. Guess what he did so I didn't see him?? He pretended to be asleep at the wheel. Limp cocked fucker.At this I could only laugh and ignore him back. Maybe if I wasn't looking such a state in a shrunken grey jumper with my hair tied up in rags I would have knocked on his window and waved the V's at him. In retrospect I'm glad I chose to ignore him back, don't really need anyone else texting me to Fuck Off.

With all this shit is it any wonder I hate myself?

I really need to stop swearing.

I am feeling the most miserable I have done for a long time. I am bored, I am tired,I cant sleep, I do nothing, I feel rubbish. I dont know what Im doing, I dont know what I am going to do. This life changing stuff stinks. Especially when nothing is changing. Its beautiful outside today and I dont even think I can go outside. I am not liking myself much at the moment at all.

(the title thing wont work)

WHEN PEOPLE HAVEN'T POSTED FOR AGES...

Sorry, I think Im addicted to facebook

WHEN PEOPLE FIND THE LOST FEW MONTHS OF 2006

I went AWOL from the Daily Beagle for a few months around August. Well I went here which is well boring but I put all of Trapped In The Closet on it in order, so its handy for that. for some reason I cant put youtube on this one anymore.

WHEN ITS HIP TO BE SQUARE

Met Kay and Linds in The Townhouse then went to the Bate where we were joined by Annie. Bowl of nuts and seeds, bottles of wine and a pizza or 4 later from Pizza Express we ended up in Porters then, you guessed it...the place I was never going to again...Chicago Rock. Danced my pants off and had a really good night. Jesus Christed my way through Mr Brightside like a proper knob head. High light of the night for me was when Kay got MKB (yes, can you adam and eve it MKB was in th'rock?!) to ask for R Kelly whilst R Kelly was on. Loving her work.. My all time favourite Kay request was at Claires wedding when she told the DJ that if he didn't put Huey Lewis and the News on then seriously, it was going to kick off.

Saw that shit stirring Marie and said nothing about it. Well, I dont think I did anyway. I dont care anyway. She can kiss my ruby red rebel ass. Yee'haw.


You know when I move to Canada (which is now, finally beginning to freak me out a little) and I come back to visit for holidays? Do you think I will still talk the same? I hope so. I do like how I talk, Im very accentless. I'd hate to be one of those who comes back and puts on some foreign twang. You know, a bit like Manc-icity. Manc-icity for those who dont know is the phenomonom of people from arond here putting on a Manc accent which becomes stronger the further down south they go. Even I have fallen foul of it. I remember working in a vegan burger stall at that 3 day festival in Brighton asking people "do you want salad on your ber-gor". I cringe now just thinking about it. Ber-gor? For Fcuks sake.


I have lost my copy of Trapped In The Closet. I am so fed up. I think its at the pub.I think I will go down there and look for it.

WHEN MAPS DISTRACT

Some of my favourite place names in Saskatchewan

Big Beaver
Climax
Success
Superb
Eyebrow
Lucky Man
Neptune
Sanctuary
Glen McPherson
Beaver Valley
Supreme
Ebenezer
PePeekiss
Fertile
Moose Jaw
Pitman

(and my particular favourite)

Bender.

How cool would it be to live in Superb?

WHEN BEAUTY PRODUCTS ARE LIKE ANGEL DELIGHT

Superdrugs own brand face mask. The "illuminating" Raspberry one.

It's all I can do to stop me licking my own face

WHEN YOUR PET IS LIKE CLIFF RICHARD

It is with great sadness that I must report that there will be no little Jeremy puppies this year.
He was left alone with the bitch for a few days and sadly he just does not know what to do. Seemingly this is quite rare as all dogs like shagging, its only mine that does not.

See, he really is Cliff Richard.

Its nice to have him home though. I bought him a p.i.m.p red leatheresque collar with 3 row diamontes on it to celebrate his stud-dom. This was before I learnt he had not infact sealed the deal. Still, I gave it to him anyway. Jeremy could not look gayer. I kind of like it.

Took him for a walk this morning and lost my key out of my pocket somewhere on the way. After retracing my steps 4 hours later I found it on the wall opposite Sainsburys. Having a big minging Lock Ness key ring on it worked in my favour this time.

I re-ordered the crate for Jezza to travel in. I picked a bigger one thats about £120. He really is the tallest beagle in the world.

Went swimming, talked of going horse riding but it began to throw it down so decided against it.

This really is as exciting as it gets for me. I dont even have any MKB or Blind Tony stories to throw in as I haven't been in the pub.

Think I might go to Porters on Friday for a few.......

WHEN BOREDOM SETS IN

Bored.

I am so bored.

I've been unemployed for a week and three days now and I am so bored.
So very very bored, so bored of being bored I bore myself with it.

I'm that bored I still wake up at 4am cos Im too bored to sleep. Infact, life is that grim and I had nothing else to do so between 4am and 5am I organised my contact list on my mobile phone (there were a lot of duplicates.)

That is the most I have done today. Well, thats a lie, I made some carrot, celery and apple juice and watched e.r. Oh, and I had some Weetabix.

I cant even take my dog for a walk cos he still isn't here. I'm missing the stupid gay beagle. He stayed over again last night at his "girlfriends" house as he still hadn't got it on. Seemingly after he got there on Monday night he did attempt to mount her but that was as far as he got. He spent the rest of the day standing outside in the rain apparentley when he could have been in his kennel getting busy. He better do it soon, I miss him.

So, Im that bored that I am even going to go to the gym this afternoon. I know, I cant believe it either. I hate the gym. I hate it because firstly it is boring and secondly I know it will give me a cold. £10 I have a cold in 4 days. Germ filled JJB Hell Hole, and this is coming from the girl who eats food off the floor so its not like I have impeccable hyigene levels myself.

Went to Leek yesterday then had a goats cheese walnut salad at The Kings Head in Gurnett. T'was very nice indeed. John there is leaving there in 4 weeks. I lied and said I was enjoying retirement, even though its more of a long holiday.

I keep meaning to sort out a facebook thing but as I hate pictures of myself Im hard pushed to find one.

All my stuff is all over the place.
I dont know what I am doing.
I have left a well paid job where I got to see lots of people everyday to do nothing.
I miss my dog.
Its strange living back at my parents (but good cos they always have food in the cupboard and they even have a fridge.)

I cant wait til this limbo period is over.
How long can I hang around doing nothing?
I feel like going in to town and getting a job but I'm hopefully only here for a month or so and I know shortly I will have to start shipping things over.I am not looking forward to packing.
I have left so much stuff at the pub still but I dont know what to do with it. big wooden bed, massive 5 door ikea wardrobe,tv,computer,sewing machine, chest of draws,pots & pans, plates, wicker,records, so much crap that I have wasted my money on. I really dont know what to do with it. I'm eventually going to have to buy new ones cos its cheaper than sending them over.

And what about all the random crap I have kept over the years? I am such a hoarder. I'd reather lose everything to a flood or fire, then its like the decision is out of my hands.
Maybe there is a charity thing where you can donate things like that to the people who lost their stuff in Yorkshire that had no insurance. That would be a better thing to do surely?


I feel like I'm on school holidays and Neighbours isn't even on.
Im getting miserable can you tell? When will this bloody rain f%£k off?

I know I like wearing my wellies but this is ridiculous.

WHEN PEOPLE DONT KNOW WHERE TO START

Well....where do I start?

It seems Jeremy also did not know where to start. My first experimentation in the world of stud dogs was not a success. Infact, I think I am scarred for life.

We met up and drove to Claires field where they could seal the deal. Its pretty up there and if they didn't start getting it on we could always throw them in the stable together....you know- like Jesus.

Well, they ran around a bit, chased some rabbits and looked a bit keen. After half an hour of this carry on there was no action so we put them in the stable.

Now, there is one thing I will say for Jeremy. He has all that foreplay stuff nailed.Ladies, if he was a man you'd have loved it. But either my boy is a big bender or hasn't got a clue what to do.

Here comes the bad bit. I rang a dog breeding friend of mine who gave me some tips and advice. In my defence, we were getting a bit bored and I would have tried anything. Please dont make me say it, Im sure you can guess what went on. Needless to say that after I returned home (only to find I was locked out - I totally do not have this key carrying thing sorted) I had to go to the nearest pub which is of course the Flowerpot and scrub my hands. And I mean scrub.

So, I let her take Jeremy to her house for the night. Maybe he just wasn't in the mood, maybe he needs to watch a few episodes of Lassie or something else that gets dogs going. I wouldn't have thought dogs needed porn though. The other beagle, the bitch was well up for it. Shes a lovely white and tan lady called Bailey. They would indeed have beautiful puppy dogs. But why won't my dog have sex?

I went to the Queens at Bosley later with Kay and Linds for food and cider to help me forget to what I was doing an hour previous. Its strange now this morning having no hound jumping around. Im meeting her tonight to go and bring him back. She hasn't texted me so I guess he still hasn't managed it.

Two cockney owls were in a bar playing pool, one missed his shot and said "Thats two 'its mate". His mate then asked "Two 'its to who?"

I'll get my coat.

Whats red and invisible?
No tomatoes.

I thank-you

WHEN PEOPLE NEED GUIDANCE

If anyone sees me out drinking in the next few weeks and there happens to be karaoke on please, for the love of god DO NOT LET ME SING MACARTHUR PARK.(The Richard Harris version.)

I'm having flashbacks from yesterday and I remember saying that I wanted to do it. Usually that means I will automatically end up doing it when smashed.That would quite possibly be the worst thing I could ever do.

Ever.

EVER

WHEN LANGLEY FETE WAS A MILLION STRONG

I should not be allowed out.

Langley Fete was,as Stingray(RIP) would say- spiggin awesome.

As soon as someone sends me some of the pictures I will put them up. We rocked.

I found the facepaint stall and the woman went "Oh no. I saw you walk in before and thought to myself, God not her again". I asked if she would do it and she said she had only done 4 faces so she was going to pack up and go. Charming as ever and with a little monitary persuasion she soon got her sponge out and hey presto Me, Yarnold, Kay, Johnson and even Miss Heyes got Gene Simmond up. I drank too much Pale Rider then we went back to Porters. Then I think Jar Bar where I began to tell everyone how I always fancied them (which is my new thing to do when drunk). Weatherspoons and then I think the Rock where once again I wasd the only one dancing. Ended up at little Miss Johnsons house on the settee where I woke this morning under a pizza. Did not know where the hell I was.

Watched Big Brother for the first time. What the hell is that Charlie girl? Some one needs to put a hit out on her ass. I'd do time for that if someone will get me the gun. No problem.

Im proper shakey today. The beagle is getting his end away later, in a stable. I thought that would be quite nice. Very biblical.

Anyway, if love is a radio, turn up to the ten.

WHEN WEEKENDS CONFUSE

It is Langley Fete on Sunday.
I dont know what to do now.

Im working in the Millstone in about an hour. That'll be different!

WHEN DATES CHANGE

Hold the phone. It has just been pointed out to me that Langley Fete is on this Sunday. Does anyone know if this is fact?
I love Langley Fete.

WHEN SKIVING RULES

I am LOVING not having to work. I am doing nothing and its ace.

The beagles are meeting on Sunday to get it on. We are taking them to the field so they can play. If they dont look like its going to happen then I think I'll lock them in the stable. Maybe light a few candles and play some soft music. Ha ha...Im sure it'll be no problem. Jeremy was drooling when he met her last time. Unfortunately this meeting of the hounds coincides with me going out with a right saucy looking lad, but I suppose its only and hour. I cant be standing in the way of puppy love. We're putting them to each other for an hour on Monday as well. You know, just to make sure.

In other news...
I keep waking up at 4am, this I am not loving.
The internet is not working at my parents house for some reason. Also, I'm not loving this. So Im currently blogging from the home of the Johnson.Which is nice.

WHEN BEAGLES MEET

So, the beagles met.

She is smaller than Jeremy (but from what I have seen, Jeremy is the Digby of the Beagle world. There is no larger.) Bailey (the bitch) is ready on Monday/Tuesday next week so Im sending my boy out to lose his virginity and knock the little tan and white bitch up. Beautiful.

I must admit, I like being the "man" in this instance. (when I say me I of course mean the beagle).

The pleasure is mine, the baby's yours!

Jeremy was positively drooling over her. Hes well up for it, let me tell you.

Well Im off down Kusch Too now for some meal and bottle of wine offer. Just as well cos Im totally starving

WHEN PEOPLE RETURN

Now I am a lady of leisure I suppose I have no excuse to not blog.

Last week was so hectic. My last day here was mega, it was proper busy and loads of people made the effort. Thanks to everyone who came. I will put some pictures on when I get chance (and when I indeed get given some picture...me being me I didnt take any.)

I will catch up on all of that but first....big news...

1. My Veuve Clicquot wellies sold for £92 on ebay which I can not get over as you can buy them online from Malmaison.com for £60.

2. I am doing 9 days relief at the Navigation in a week or so. That'll be different

3. The best bit....I had a call from a lady who was wondering if I wanted to let my beagle get it on with her beagle and give me money for the pleasure. Yep, I'm putting him out to stud. She's done it before, knows what to do. Is bringing her bitch in at 4 today to see if they get on. I have told her that I'm not sure exactly of his sexual prowess as I have been watching him go at it hammer and tongs with a fluffy red cushion and he doesn't fill me with the hope that he would know what he is doing.

I know everyone says it changes dogs but I have since talked to loads of people who have pimped their pet and I am now under the conclusion that it is a load of bollocks just put around by the dog breeding fraternity who dont want to see anyone make any cash out of it. Well screw them. Who died and made them king of shagging dogs. My boy wants to get his end away and the money would pay for his transportation to Canada.

Jeremy Beagle - international stud. He'll be wanting to spend the day reclining on a red velvet cushion with a diamond stud in his ear drinking from a gold and diamond dog bowl.

So you see Nina, that is why I will shout you dinner tonight. I owe you big time.

WHEN BROTHERS GET THEIR SISTERS INTO GAMBLING

All I dreamt about was making a totem pole out of cardboard boxes.

So, guess what Im going to do today??

As if I didn't have enough to do.

FYI, Jeremy (the horse not the dog) came second at Ascot yesterday so I got my stake back. Its all going on Supaseus (which I backed last year and came nowhere) @11/1.

Keep em crossed.

WHEN PEOPLE BACK HORSES THE SAME NAME AS THEIR DOG

Well, thats Monday out of the way. Its my last Tuesday today and all I want to do is sleep. Jeremy is running at 4.20 at Ascot so I stuck a fiver on him. That ought to make sure he comes in last.

I've just finished my costume for Sunday by making some boots to go with it. So yeah. I'm umm-ing and ahh-ing whether to make a totempole. Im still no where near finished emptying here of all my rubbish. Two rooms to go...s'pose I better get back to it. I just cant help thinkning how I really want cake.

I think its Bensons last night here. Rick said he might take him tomorrow. I know its the best thing so I'm coping fairly well...

Only fairly well mind.

WHEN PEOPLE GET PHONE EXCITED

I ordered a Canadian sim for my phone today, talk about being organised.

Right, Im going to bed now before I bore myself anymore.

WHEN ALL THATS MISSING ARE HENNY PENNY,DRAKEY LAKEY,GOOSEY LOOSEY AND TURKEY LURKEY

Who else was there apart from Chicken Licken?

People of Macclesfield, I warn you...watch your heads cos the sky is falling in and Im on my way to tell the king. Well, its not falling in (and Im not really off to tell the king) but if you are walking down Churchill Way mind your head cos I saw something caught up in the branches of the tree bushes things that hang down over the pavement.

What? You may ask. Sadly someone has thrown what looks like a bag of what I imagine is dog doings. I couldn't/wouldn't reach it so we'll have to wait for gravity to have its way. But look out, I'd hate for you to be walking under it.

WHEN WOMEN EAT MEN

Its Sunday,
It's 7:42 pm
and I am not smashed and I am not going to Chicago Rock.
CrackerJack.

There is no way I could handle making a fool of myself like that again...well, not for another week.

Well, its a week to go until I leave the pub and Im going bizarrely mental. Not nice mental, horrible mental.

I hate being bitter and twisted. It sucks and its so unattractive. I made someone I like cry yesterday just because Im a bitch and I obviously cant handle other people being happy. Im sure I used to be a nicer person. Im blaming here for making me the evil cow I am today but what if when I leave here I realise that is who I am anyway?

So Im staying out of the way of everyone today. Im even doing my paperwork. I think Im going to start going to church.

Does Nelly Furtardo sing "She's a maneater, makes your cock hard" or what?. She should, I would! Talking of which I think I want to do rude things to a boy that comes in here.He drove past me before when I was walking the hounds whilst I was looking miserable, listening to Radiohead on my ipod feeling all sorry for myself. Can't see it happening though. Im rubbish.

Over in the boring world of ebay I relented and have decided to sell my veuve hunter wellies. A week to go and already at £40. I do love them but since someone mentioned that they were like the ones the doozers wore in Fraggle Rock I can't look at them the same, as much as I like to dance my cares away and save them for another day. I would much much much rather have a pair of red Hunters. Im still taking my green Huntress's to Canada. They are beyond cool, not as tall as normal Hunters and are wider around the top (im having flashbacks of talking Hunters to Annie in the pub last night).

BTW, I know its old but incase you haven't heard it....Did you know they asked Michael Barrymore if he was doing Panto this year? He said no cos he did Aladdin 6 years ago and has never heard the end of it.

WHEN PEOPLE REFLECT

I dont know what made me think of this but the scariest night I have ever had in whilst I have had the pub was the strangest.

It was a Tuesday night a few yeras ago now and there was this group of 30/40something men in. We had finished serving and they were the last to leave. It was getting on to about 11.30 then one of them just started screaming and throwing himself around the place. They all jumped on him and loads of tables and chairs went flying. They told me to ring an ambulance. The noise coming from this man was incredible, so piercingly loud. Turns out he had a pacemaker fitted and it was shorting out on him for no reason. His mates had seen it happen before so knew what to do.

Then it would sort itself out and he would be ok, not knowing of course what had happened then it would happen again. He'd be crying and screaming and threatening his mates telling them to get off him. They knew he didnt know what he was doing so carried on holding him down. It was so sad, It went on for about half an hour before the ambulance. 3 of my neighbours called the cops cos they thought it was going off in here.

I'm telling you, we dont know how lucky we are half the time.

WHEN DOGS HAVE SLEEPOVERS

Rick and Marie had Benson last night for a test drive. He still isn't back and I think I will be fine with leaving him. It didn't feel like a big deal saying goodbye to him.But then it was only for a night.
If they dont want him then Claire says she'll take him. I think Benson might be a little older than they are looking for. We shall see.

Well, its 9 days to go for me here. Well, at the pub that is. I have my fancy dress outfit sorted, its a slutty indian girl number. Bit shorter than I thought it would be but as I've made it to the grand old age of 32 with no cellulite (I'm sure its cos I have never drank tea or coffee) I might try and get away with it. Its no shorter than that black number I paraded around manchester like a drunken teenager in on Monday I suppose.

Plan is, if its sunny (which 10 day weather forecasts say no) then I will line up loads of picnic benches going out on to the car park, U.S Family BBQ style. Johnson says she will be a cowgirl and she might even bring two of her horses down so we can ride around the town centre dressed as Cowboys and Indians. I've always wanted to do that. Town is quiet enough on a Sunday. It'll be a laugh.
And if its raining...?Well, it'll just be a bit more crowded in here I guess

I tried to get involved with shifting some of my crap, I mean my quality merchandise by taking advantage of the 10p listing day on ebay yesterday but Ebay bores me so. I have some dummy Veuve Clicquot bottles on there doing ok...thats about it.

WHEN ......OH I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

I love having Mondays off.



Went to Manchester with Nina and Sarah, had lunch at Alberts Shed then walked in to town. Ended up sitting with all the other drunks who dont seem to work drinking cider at Sinclairs Oyster Bar. Blimey it was hot.



Annoyingly I couldn't get Sheena Easton's "9 to 5" out of my head. Not top be confused with Dolly Partons "9 to 5" which I also love, infact I cant decide which I prefer...think I like Sheena Eastons number.

Then went to Top Shop which confused me. I tried on an all in one trouser suit and 3 pairs of trousers. I think they just make up the sizes there cos I managed to fit in trousers which were 10,12,14 and 16. Very random. So we went to Primark.

Had a few at Kro in Piccadilly Gardens which saw me then being late for my presentation thing from CAMRA. I gave the worst acceptance speech, probably as I was 8 pints pissed.

Passed out about 11.

This morning I managed to get rid of my broken fridge freezer,washing machine and loads of carpet at the tip with the assistance of my old boss Mr Lavin. I love throwing things away. I still have a mountain of crap to sort through.

Tonight was by far the best night for MKB stories. He was telling us about how when, in his younger days there was no women he couldn't pull and he once turned down a bond girl. Then he went on to tell some random story about how he threatened some guy into paying off his bill. I can only conclude that MKB was a little freaked out by Crowther who jokingly kissed his bald head on Friday night after drinking the Pipe Of Pimm's and telling all and sundry how it "tasted of peanuts" and so was showing how un-gay he is.

Make sense? No not really.

Well, I still feel ropey. I still cant type and I want pizza. Lindzoid went out to get me one but I fear I may have lost him to The Rock with Chris Hall so maybe that pizza ship has sailed.

I think my dogs are into Speedway. Everytime I come upstairs its on the telly. I haven't put it on and there is no-one else here. Little weirdos. Jeremy went for his rabies vaccination this morning. My vet has retired and there was a new one, he was really good. The beagle is still over weight at a wopping 25kg, he wants him to lose about 3 kg.Not a chance, that hound can find food anywhere.

WHEN NEIGHBOURS GRASS

The concil have just rang me up. Someone has complained that there is broken glass all over the back by the senior citizens hall and its my fault.

Motherfuckers. I dont need this when Im in a World Of Pain.

There was some broken glass 20 metres away so I swept it up. As far as I am aware it is not a constant problem, it was one glass. Why the hell would someone ring the council to complain about that? Why would you not just pick it up or ask me to pick it up, Im approachable. Im telling you, its that woman next door.I think shes losing her marbles. The other week she rang up saying the fumes from my heating were giing in her bedroom. Hello Teresa, its friggin hot out, I dont have my heating on, the boiler is no where near your house and you are a fruit cake. She rang up once to say that my fridges were too loud.

Im telling you, I cant wait to leave.Drama-motherfucking-rama.

WHEN PEOPLE FACE FACTS

I really cant type.

WHEN MORK WAS CALLING ORSON, COME IN ORSON

Guess who danced like a muppet all by herself in Chicago Rock last night? Usually I would be cringing about my behaviour but Im too busy being proud of myself for keeping my boots on. Yes, I didnt take my shoes off at all. This is a record.

Went to the Robin Hood for lunch then drove through Goyt Valley and went to the Swan in Kettleshulme which must be the best pub in the world. Going to the ladies is like when Mork went to Talk to Orson at the end of Mork and Mindy, you know, just around teatime. Well it was in our house anyway. In the sun its just bright brilliant white in there. Nannoo-Nannoo.

Came back here did 3 hours or so then went to the Church House in Sutton then to Leek then unfortunately the Rock.

Im going to Manchester with Nina and Sarah for lunch in about half an hour. I look like dog puke and I stink like a tramp. Suppose I better go and rectify that situation

WHEN CORDON-BLEU IS MISSED

Cath3rine+Stairs in Weatherspoons+Floaty Maxi Dress=Splat.

Im a friggin walking disaster.

Bit rendered last night, Im having flash backs of someone telling me I looked like a beagle. Maybe its the long velvet ears?! Wtf.

3 cheeky vimtos and a corona in Jar Bar = £24.50
3 cheeky vimtos and a corona in here = £15.40

Its no wonder we are so busy. I dont understand Jar Bar. The music is too loud for people to talk and no dance floor so you cant dance. Why? Is it just designed for people who just stare at other people who are allowed in whilst not wearing trainers? They are ridiculously short staffed and their booze selection is poor. Such a waste. Bring back Cordon-Bleu...Macc needs more frozen food shops.

Yes, as you can tell Im still drunk. Went to Colins 50th at the brewery last night. I talked proper bollocks. Im going to the Robin Hood in Rainow for my dinner. My leaving party is 2 weeks today so start getting your fancy dress costumes ready.

WHEN PICTURES FINALLY ARE POSTED

Erm...bit dark I know.
There you go boys...hope you are happy now.

Greg, wtf is with the face?

WHEN PIMM'S IS NOT SHARED

Erm...re: the Pipe Of Pimm's.

Not so sure if its a good idea.

In my defence it was invented with the intention of it being shared by a few people and not to be drank by just two.

Yes, I sold my first Pimm's Pipe last night to Messers Crowther and Kvederas. They had already been working through the extensive gin menu so were a little worse for wear anyway. Then the Pimm's Pipe came out and I brought down my Shisha thing for them, I thought the strawberry tobacco would be a fine accompaniment for the Pimm's. Plus it smells nice. I can only imagine the rest of the evening was a blur for them. As they went to leave Bob thought that this navy jumper on the seats was Dave's but Dave was too smashed to put it on so Bob borrowed a knife and cut it down the front to make it a cardigan (much easier to put on). It didn't make it out of the door.He still couoldn't put it on. This morning I find that the jumper actually belonged to former Kings teacher and award winning novelist G.P.Wilson so Bob went to buy a replacement. It is not the same. And as for the other Pimm's drinker? He ended up getting barred from the Rock. I realise this is all boring drunken stuff....I'm just warning you of what can happen when you drink a pipe of pimm's.

Its hotter than hell in here behind the bar in this weather. Not as hot as the Gemini sun bed at Alternative Tanning for the allowed 20mins whilst wearing accelerator cream - that is 10 times hotter than hell. I haven't been back since. 16 days to go til I leave, I'm so looking forward to it. Normal temperatures can resume.

All I want is a ploughmans sandwich from either Tesco or M&S and they have none. Today is not going well. Maybe I'll try Greggs.

IM A BEAGLE, GET ME OUT OF HERE

Ooops, I forgot about my Jeremy Kyle style title.

Ok, for the beagle to go to Canada he needs a rabies injection and certificate saying he has had a rabies injection. Why when Im taking a dog from a 'rabies free' country to a 'rabies free' country is beyond me.
Anyway, I'm booked in for that on Tuesday morning. No doubt it'll be £70.

The crate for the beagle to fly in costs a ridiculous £105.
Its only £18.99 for a stupid dumb ass cat one.Us dog owners sure have the p*** taken out of us at times.

The airfare for the beagle is ******** well, I dont want to say, lets just say its plenty. So I now have a charity box for me to put my Beagle Fund in. I just sold my accordian for £75 which has made me well happy - its now in my tin. The money I get from being in that magazine will go in and I'm putting my complete 5 set of Veuve Clicquot dummy bottles on. A lady offered me £40 for my Veuve Hunter Wellies, I don't know about that though...I was planning on keeping them. Although they are not my favourite Hunters they are lovely. I'll see how much my Guinnes toucan goes for.

Then there is my collection of signed rugby shirts to sell. Am I best selling them all together or each one seperatley? I cant figure it out.

I piggin hate ebay.

WHEN PEOPLE ARE CHEESEY

Yep we're in...me and Nina page 7 of Pick Me Up magazine,
Pure Cheese. Much cheesier than the letter I sent in to Take A Break 10 years ago.

WHEN SHIT REALLY DOES STICK

Jeremy did the most impressive one today...better than the time he did one off the bridge into the canal.

It was a brilliantly hot afternoon, I had just done my banking and paid my last ever monthly council tax bill installment and headed right out of the town hall towards Hibel Road lights with the beagle.

For those of you familiar with the geography of Macclesfield you may be aware of the post box outside Pizza Express. Well, with a crowd gathered across the road (actually I think it was just Simon from Margin Music skiving with some mates) Jeremy backed on to the post box and with one of his back feet off the ground (his ass was that high) curled one off. Only he was working it like Jane Asher squeezing an icing bag because when he finished he stepped away from the cast iron red victorian post box to reveal that all of his dooings were stuck to the side, there was none on the floor - not only that but it was knee high to me. That is some fine acrobatic crapping make no mistake.

Again, if only I had my camera.

WHEN PIMM'S GETS PIMPED

Pimp My Pimm's.

Its official.

I have just done the chalk board for it now.

I am now selling Pipes of Pimm's (whilst singing MaCartneys "Pipes of Peace") for a monster £32. Considering you get a whole bottle of Pimm's in a massive tube with tap and enought lemonade and garnish that it will feed 15 people (for feed I mean aid thirst...like thirst aid!).

Umm, Pimm's. Summer rocks. I shall try and do photos....

On a totally unrelated subject....RIP Stingray. When the fcuk did that happen? I didnt see that one coming.

WHEN KIPLING POINTS OUT I BROUGHT IT ON MYSELF

THERE is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and Sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie—
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumour, or fits,
And the vet’s unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find—it’s your own affair—
But . . . you’ve given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!).
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone—wherever it goes—for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We’ve sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we’ve kept ’em, the more do we grieve.
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-time loan is as bad as a long—
So why in—Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

On a lighter note, at least Benson isnt dying or dead.

WHEN PEOPLE STILL CRY OVER THEIR DOGS

You would think I would have stopped this by now.

I just spoke to my vet, she agrees with me that it wouldn't be fair to subject Benson to a 15 hour plane and car journey. Even though I know this and I have made up my mind it still upsets me so much. Hes the best dog ever.

Im going to miss him so much.

WHEN VILLAGE FETES DISAPPOINT

Langley Fete is on August 27th this year.

This does not fit in with my plans.

Gutted.

WHEN WINE TASTES LIKE HONEY

Yesterday I thought I had seen the future.
Today though now I am not so sure.

I am a little behind the times here as I had never tried what is apparentley the oldest drink in our history until yesterday. Needless to say I was an instant fan. I got a little carried away.

Mead. Have you ever had it? I had of course heard of it but didnt know what it was. For those of you who dont know it is wine that tastes of honey. I know, honey wine...could life get any better?

I was sat with Chris Hall who seems to know all things mead. He informed me that it was Mary Queen of Scots favourite drink (served warm with a sprig of Rosemary). Now that was nice. Maybe it explaines why I ended up dancing with a Scottish man in Chicago Rock.

Yes, Chicago Rock, cant believe I ended up there again. For a reason totally unknown to me whenever I go in the Rock I take off my shoes and leave them lying all over the place. Last night it was the turn on my cowboy boots. Im such a loser.

Talking of cowboys, as its my last day here on 24th I suppose I should have a party. What with my love of fancy dress it would be a shame not to. So its Canadian themed....Cowboys, Indians, Lumberjacks, Beavers, Moose...what else is there? Im going to be an indian. Im hoping that it is the same day as Langley Fete (my favouritest day of the year) I think its the last Sunday in June, I will check tomorrow. If it is then I think we should all go there in fancy dress and the end up back here when they run out of beer. This time I will not win any goldfish nor will I stalk John Squires and follow him from stall to stall.

Today has seen me mostly throwing up from drinking a bottle of Mead, making the error of wearing flip flops with a maxi dress (the dress kept getting trapped twixt sole of foot and sole of flip flop) which did not look that graceful as I walked out of Subway. I went up to see Claires new house which is near to my Mom and Dads where I will be moving to on 25th until the new people move in and we leave. Looks like I will be back drinking in the Flower Pot.

I love it when things go full circle.

WHEN PEOPLE HAND IN THEIR NOTICE

Yes, finally it feels like things are moving.

I have just rang my boss and given my leaving date as Sunday 24th June. Thats just 24 days, yes, I'm counting them.(He has said I can change my mind if I want...he doesnt want me to leave!)

My parents have sold their house subject to blah blah blah and the new people are ready to move in July.

So, I just have to throw all my crap away and find somewhere for me and the hound to live from 24th June until we go.(I still do not have a date for this yet).

Dog wise heres the plan.... I love both of them so much but I really think that the travel and whole move thing would not be in Bensons best interests, I have cried myself to sleep about it for months now but have finally decided that Carla and John are going to have him.I am going to leave him behind. I know they will give him a great home and life. At the end of the day that is the most important thing - not how happy he makes me but how happy he is.

Jeremy however I think will handle the journey, hes about 9 years younger than Benson plus hes that badly behaved I wouldn't want to put anyone through the mither of looking after him. I will leave him with Claire Johnson when I first go, then he can come when we are settled and have found a house and moved in I will get him sent over. He'll love it with Claire, he loves the horses and whole country side thing.

So, I'm going to have to find me a little work here to keep me going until I leave.

WHEN PEOPLE LEARN RANDOM STUFF WHILE WATCHING THE BIOGRAPHY CHANNEL

Did you know that Larry Hagman didn't talk at all on Sundays for 25 years?

WHEN PEOPLE CANT THINK OF A TITLE

Ok, normal service resumes.

The wedding was lovely, the rain kept off and it was a well fancy do. Claires dress was like the ones you dream of when you are a kid, I have no pictures but I'm sure someone will send me some.

After some over enthusiastic dancing I managed to trash my bridesmaids dress when all but two of the buttons off the back popped off. God damn that bull/bull fighter dance move of mine. I had to get a taxi back to get changed, luckily it didnt take that long.

The next day we headed back to the marquee (as it was still up) to have a BBQ. It rained and as the beagle went off chasing rabbits and pheasents we tucked into two cases of Brothers Strawberry and Pear Cider. Ummmm. I had to come back about 9, is this really hayfever that I still have? Its making me feel so drained. If it doesnt sort itself out this week then Im going to that crazy Dr & Herbs place, they can cure me.

Local legend and all round superstar Ann Ross has made me a card. It truely is a thing of beauty. I cant scan due to its size and bizarre 3Dness of it, but when I find where I put the batteries for my camera I will take a picture of it.

I'm so fed up of here now, I really need to leave the pub. Maybe its because that I know Im leaving that I am less tolerante and less forgiving than usual, quite a few people in here have
left me feeling disappointed with them. The sad thing is, I really don't care.

What a divvy.
I have just cut my bloody finger open - nice and ready for my bridesmaid debuyt tomorrow.
Its not as bad as it first looked, Kay and Yarnold took me to casualty and I only needed stickey stitches.Luckily it was my left had. it looks a but messy, I'll just hold flowers all day - that'll be reet.

The weather is supposed to be shocking tomorrow - heavy rain. C'est non bon.

WHEN A LIGHT THAT BURNES SO BRIGHTLY,SUDDENLY BURNS SO PALE

The Bunny Suicides - fact or fiction??!!
Fact.

I saw two dead rabbits in the canal yesterday.

Ummm...Macclesfield Canal - so picturesque

WHEN PEOPLE WIN AWARDS

Hey hey, I have heard that we won CAMRA Pub Of The Year once again. How cool is that?